A few eeks ago I posted a ? About my 4 year old son and his recent behavior. I got some responses that mostly told me it was developmental and many gave a few suggestions. I began reading about aHa parenting by Laura Markham and have decided to take this approach with him. He gets easily frustrated and angry and to release and express those feelings he hits, kicks, throws and yells. I am trying to help him understand that the feelings are ok, we read books about it, etc and I am guiding him to scream on his room, hit his bed, stomp, etc to be safer when he has these big feelings. We have been doing this for about 10 days and I was becoming emotionally exhausted, crying during nap time because I saw no results...I would spend all this time and energy helping him deal with his feelings and he would tell me what he needed to do, and not do it when he had those feelings. On top of that, he was still misbehaving, no table manners, not listening, mimicking me, etc. after 8 days of this new strategy, he had a spectacular night at a restaurant and at my parents house.....and it carried over to the next day! We came home and that night he showed signs of strep throat. Miserable, tired, etc.....he has been on meds for 3 days and is back to his old self.....and all that entails. He was awake from 2-4 am crying, I was in with him, he cried non stop, wouldn't tell me what was wrong, just cried. Finally stopped and went to sleep. Got up early is am and has spent most of the day crying and calling for me.....but doesn't want anything from me......no sitting in. Y lap, no cuddling, nothing, he calls for me, but when I go to him, he justs cries at me...
I don't understand any of this....he cries a t me sometimes, calls for me, but doesn't seem to want me to do anything. Am I missing something and not providing him with something that he needs......is he just an unhappy child? This is so exhausting to me.....I want him to understand his feelings, know how to cope with them, and be able to talk to me and find comfort in me, but I feel like I am failing miserably and my son will grow up to be bratty, expect everything to be handed to him, not have any manners or respect for others and lose control when he is angry or frustrated. I am really at a loss and am looking for advice!
When I am sick and when I am on antibiotics you can look at me crooked and I cry, get mad, cry some more, go to bed and pout, cry some more, etc...
Kids who don't feel good act out period. This doesn't count. You'll be starting over when you get him well but it won't be so hard.
I guess to me, it doesn't really matter why he's acting this way. The bottom line is, his behavior is unacceptable and it needs to stop. Right? Sure, kids have the right to cry and be upset over things, but that certainly doesn't mean that they get to occupy 100% of your time and energy with it. They can be upset all they want in their own room, out of the earshot of everyone else in the household. I have the feeling his behavior is escalating because he's receiving SO much positive attention from you about it. Four year olds are notoriously angry creatures. They just are. If he's going to melt down, send him to his room. Don't let him come out until he's in control of himself again. The less you say about it, the better. He will soon realize that melting down will not help him get more attention from you, just the opposite. Correct his table manners. If he can't eat like a civilized child, send him to his room to reconsider, or simply take his plate away and excuse him from the table. At the next meal, he might decide it's better to behave than act up and not get to eat! When he mimics you (!!), punish him. That's not acceptable. Children don't get to speak to their parents in a disrespectful way.
Remember, you're not his friend, you're his mother. You need to raise him to get along in civilized society. Just keep that in mind. Teaching him that he is allowed to have meltdowns constantly so that he can better understand his feelings will not accomplish this goal, in my opinion.
It's been only a week or so since you last posted. I read the answers you received and I think you got a lot of good advice in one specific area:
You need to stop talking so much.
I understand that you want him to be aware of his feelings and all, but reasonably-- he is four. He isn't at an age of reason, so trying to talk through every little thing only adds more attention for misbehavior and fuel to the fire.
Right now, it sounds like he just feels awful because he's sick. If he's been on antibiotics, that can do a number on his stomach. Or, maybe, he's feeling miserable because you are really expecting way more from him in regard to cognitive awareness of his feelings than what is appropriate. Chances are, you are feeling like a failure and so is he.
Maybe it's time for some expert help. Someone to help YOU understand what to reasonably expect from kids this age, someone to perhaps do a behavioral evaluation or assessment. I have to be honest, if you are having a hard time keeping your son in control and safe, you should reconsider having other children in your home for care. I say this as a former care provider as well, so I do understand that this is your livelihood, but if it's creating this much chaos... something needs to change. I don't live in your household, so I don't know what it is, but I do know one thing: keep your discipline super simple for now. Just quick two choice directions: you must eat with (reasonable for a four year old) manners or you will be all done for this meal. Then no talking, just remove him from the table and take his plate to the counter. No 'earning it back', no second chances or endless warnings.... NO talking. If he pitches a fit, walk him to his room, put him in there and shut the door.
Sometimes, we have to lead by example, and then just follow through. Trying some new technique for a week is not a very long investment-- I always say give it at least two weeks. I had to learn to shush up the hard way, too. It was hard, but now I know, the more we talk, the more we are going to see that same behavior again. However, mom, you have to also stop making this huge for both of you, emotionally, okay? Go see someone and talk to someone about YOUR feelings around this (there is absolutely no reason you should be sharing those with him-- and I am not saying that you are, but he's got to be picking up on this) and get some support. Parenting is hard work. It's okay to ask for help-- from other adults.
Well right now your son is sick, so until his illness has passed completely (2 weeks at least) instituting new strategies is only going to make it hard on both of you. So let him recover.
Second, I looked at you post history and something like 7 out of 10 questions deal with your son being stubborn and throwing fits... so I wouldn't call this behavior "recent" but rather ongoing.
I will also echo what a lot of moms already advised: stop trying to be his friend and "understanding" him and start being a parent. Less talk and more action. I don't believe in "tough love" (certainly not at this age) so I don't advocate that you need to hit him with some disciplinary hammer. But kids NEED boundaries. Not having boundaries is confusing to them and causes a lot of emotional upset and insecurity in children.
What do you DO when your child acts inappropriate? Why is it ok for him to hit or kick anything when he is frustrated? How is that teaching him that his way to deal with frustration is not acceptable? Would you like to live with an adult that punches holes in the walls when s/he doesn't get what s/he wants? I don't think so.
Start showing him what acceptable behavior is by modeling it and acting on it. Give him chances to be successful and then praise him:
Throwing a fit at the dinner table... you must not be hungry, please go to your room so the rest of the family can eat in peace and quiet. But when he calms down and comes back to the table praise him for gaining composure and thank him for acting nicely.
You are calling me to your room? Once you stop crying and raging I will come and give you a hug and we can talk. Then go and do it and tell him how proud you are that he calmed himself down, because it is so hard to talk to someone who is screaming.
None of this is unfair or cruel, but it will show your child where the limits of socially acceptable behavior are. And that raging and crying doesn't get him what he wants, but behaving nicely will.
Kids his age are still acquiring the skills to overcome frustration in a socially acceptable manner. At the same time that you stop letting his tantrums rule your life, you can also teach him some coping skills. Raging on in your room hitting and kicking the furniture is NOT a coping skill IMO... maybe some people think differently, but I'm not buying it.
I used to talk to DD after the tantrum has passed (she is 6 now so not really happening a lot at this point - maybe once a year) and we went over how she was feeling and what she can do instead of yelling and screaming (count to five, take deep breaths is our strategy) when she gets the frustrated feeling. And we practice this by role playing and reminding her of taking a deep breath for example in a situation that has the potential to escalate. Also ask HIM what he thinks would be an acceptable way to act next time the situation comes up.
Whatever method you choose - it needs to be clear to him that throwing a tantrum is NOT getting him what he wants. You don't have to be mean or strict or over the top, but you also cannot give in.
Good luck.
He's 4. He's sick. He's having trouble. Talk to his pediatrician about this. Have him evaluated through the school district to make sure there are not developmental issues or sensory issues.
He is 4 so he is not going to "understand his feeling" like an adult. Happy, sad, angry, frustrated. He's not going to explain things, he's not an adult and won't be able to share on that level.
Please have him evaluated, and PLEASE calm down about his future. HE's FOUR!
You may also want to look at getting help for yourself, because if you are feeling so overwhelmed that you're freaking out about his future, you may be working on a depression yourself. Kids are VERY sensitive to the emotions of the adults in their lives. He's picking up how you're feeling too, and it gets all wrapped up together.
If he doesn't want anything from you, perhaps offer that he can come to the room you are in, for company, if he doesn't yell about it. Sometimes all DD wants is a body in that room.
Remember that 4 yr olds can't always articulate. Even when we ask them to. So simplify. "Do you need me? Ok, then I will be in the livingroom when you are ready for some company."
And there are times where you just walk away. "When you are ready to behave, you can join us." Let him yell. Give him no attention for it. Sometimes mad is just mad and doesn't need an audience. If he is mad over there (try the book Marvin Gets Mad) and doesn't hurt anyone, kick anyone, bite or anything like that, he might just need space to chill. If he does bite or kick, give him a consequence for it.
Sickness can be a setback but don't think it's the end of the world. Every age and stage has something new, and every kid is slightly different. Keep the long view.
Also, people do not need the same comforts. If he's just not a talk it out person, then don't make him be. Let him punch a pillow, with no discussion other than he can't punch people.
Don't think you are failing him because he is unhappy. Right now he is sick. He doesn't feel well and even he doesn't know what he wants. I am sure he just wants to feel better which will take time.
Keep doing the program, it sounds like you were getting positive results until he got sick. This is really just a small setback.
I know this is an "off the wall" question, but is he still on antibiotics? Some people feel terrible when they take antibiotics (I'm one of them).
When he's off the antibiotics, start again. Do keep telling him that you love him, at least 3 times a day. If you can't get anywhere with this method you're trying a few weeks after he's well, get a child psychologist on board.
I think you are expecting way too much from him. You are expecting him to identify his feelings and put words to them. That's a lot for a 4 year old.
I don't believe teaching him to scream in his room or hit or kick inanimate objects is the best route to go. It's a very small skip from that to hitting/kicking people. I think you need to teach him self-control.
Maybe he just needs you near him. Keep his door open and have a running conversation with him while he's crying. Don't expect him to participate, just keep talking to him. He will stop crying to hear what you're saying.
Nilesmommy,
Sounds to me like he just likes having the upper hand ,to see if you'll jump when he calls you. I'd explain to him he might do this once, but, if he can't/won't reply/answer you when you ask him what he needs or wants, I wouldn't come running the next time. It looks to me like he plays you and you buy into it, whether you realize it or not. You can give him the benefit of the doubt when he is feeling bad, but, I'd not let that be an excuse,either. You have to set the boundaries and make him aware of what they are. Explain that each time he does this ,you' ll ask once and if he doesn't answer or respond you won't be back asking again. Ih he wants to stomp and throw things or act out, put him in time out, 1 minute for each year he is old, when his time is up ,get down on his level ask him if he knows why he got the time out ,(if he doesn't, explain ,'Mommy told you to stop ,_____, and you didn't stop.) I need an apology for your behavior and once he does,. tell him you love him and be done with it until the next time. Reward him when he is good , Above all else, have patience and don't feel like a failure, parenthood is a learning journey and each child is different so there may be some curve balls out there but, your still in the game ! He's still a little young to be figuring out and understanding his feelings, but, you can help him explore his feelings by asking what he is upset about, offer possibilities, 'are you mad because I said NO,' are you upset because you couldn't have ___? and so on. If he doesn't respond, move on. I know this is trying, but, you can get thru it and so can he. Just be consistant and persistant ! C. S.
He still sounds sick...maybe an ear infection too? Bring him back in.
I agree that he still sounds like he is sick and in pain. Get him well and then start back on your program of teaching him ways to handle his emotions. If he continues to be explosive, I highly recommend a book titled "The Explosive Child". It has made a HUGE difference for us.
