Is My Cheap Boyfriend Husband Material?

I do think you need to run. Not so much the financial part but the fact that he doesn't seem to want to be independent and the using you for rides part. I think being someone who is independent and motivated, you would just find this behavior more and more annoying and frustrating as time went on.

Honestly, no, he is not husband material, and I'm very glad you are asking this. Please, wait and see; set some boundaries and see what happens.

He COULD be legit in his feelings for you. Or he could want to marry you to become a citizen. Or because you make lots more than he does. Or because you can cart him around when he needs a ride. Personally there are too many negative possibilities for me to ever want to be in that type of relationship.

I'm sorry, but the farther I got into your post, and then OMG, your so what happened, the more my eyes started popping.

You have turned into your mother. Do you understand that? How could you miss it?

You, like your mother, attract leeches. You don't yet know your next move? Well, either continue to be your mother and let a leech drive your life for the best years of your life, or wise up and drop him.

I wonder what his parents think of him. (Not that they'd say what they think out loud...)

If one of my boys did this, I'd let him have it.

Good grief, go find a guy who is a US citizen, has a decent job, and doesn't mooch off of 6 figure women.

For me, it would be a dealbreaker.

The sadder but wiser girl here; I married someone who was working full time at the time of the onset of our relationship, but did become very financially dependent on me. The writing was on the wall at the beginning, although I didn't see it.

In your post, you write that your fellow wanted you to take him to the store to buy pots and pans. M., if he can't work out how to get to the store under his own power, how is he truly going to operate a viable non-profit? You have to have a certain level of social intelligence and planning/organizational skills to do this. I know the people who do work like this and they are very highly motivated, organized people.

The fact that your fellow felt comfortable just asking for such a loan with no future legal prospects of getting work and paying you back is also very concerning. At the very least, it shows poor judgment/social intelligence-- at the worst, it seems very predatory and opportunistic.

There are a LOT of very well-intentioned guys who sort of fall into this gray area. I married one and am divorced from him. It was incredibly stressful for us and we didn't have the sort of income for him to be as relaxed about it as he was. For what it's worth, I was with my current husband for nine years before I STOPPED working; even for the few years after I had my son, I worked in some capacity and still do as a substitute. To me, it's less about love and more about having both parties committed to the betterment of the relationship and family. I don't think I could feel like equals with someone who called me up for a ride someplace under the pretext that they 'just had to see me' because they needed to go shopping. That's not an equal relationship at all.

He's boyfriend material. When he's independent and making an income that can support a family, then he might be husband material.

I think that you should let him know that borrowing money is absolutely not okay. If he's lacking in funds, he should pick up a second part time job. No man worth his salt should be asking his girlfriend to front him $1500.

Don't marry a "fixer upper." You are a 100% complete woman on your own, you need to marry a man who is 100% complete on HIS own. You don't need to run, but you do need to make your boundaries clear and your expectations of a potential husband known.

Run.

Also, he is on a Visa here. No citizenship. And he can't be here forever, right? Just by being on a Visa or green card.... Don't those have to be renewed or it expires etc.?
So then, how is it that he has been here for so long... and his parents lives here too, if he is just on a Visa?
Who is sponsoring him?
What or who, is his Visa contingent on?
And HOW is he, trying to become a "Resident?" Who is helping him? You?
I would really find out the facts on his Visa. Because, to me, this is a KEY factor, in everything.
Here are a couple of links on Visas, for example:
http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/how-long-will-your...
http://www.workpermit.com/us/employer_intro.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Permanent_residence_%28Unite...

Don't marry him.
He is a leech.

And if he wants to stay here, since he is not a US Citizen.... then one way is to find a nice woman who will help get him his green card and marry him? And its especially nice if she is the breadwinner and US citizen, and has money and all the conveniences he needs.
Don't be naive.

He needs you, so he can stay here in the USA.

Oh and gee, c'mon... earlier he said he wanted to "see his woman..." to get you to go to his side of town. BUT, the real reason was: "he needed a ride to Kmart to get some pots for his new place..."
Duh.
You are his ride.
And he gets sex too?
And other conveniences.
Sorry.
And he is no "entrepreneur."
He is living off of a "grant" that he is not even making legitimate.
Everything is a farce.

Before you know it, he is going to ask you... if he can move in with you.
OR he is going to make it like it is "your" decision to have him move in with you. And he will make like he is such a loving/attentive guy who prays with you and is so sensitive to you.
But he already asked you for $1500. And sees NO problem with that.
What's next?
He asked to "borrow" that money.
But HOW is he even going to pay it back????
He can't.
It will be a loss for you.
He is a leech.
Using you.

Don't marry him.
Don't get involved in his immigration troubles.
Don't lend him money.
Don't let him move in with you.
Don't ever, have kids with him.

That would not fly with me, six figure income or not. There are a lot of six figure incomes that range from low to high so just stating six figures does not mean much.

If you choose to loan him money, just know that it will be money that you never see again.

Does he know your financial situation and the basis of it? If so, a big no no was sharing your personal information with him. He sees you as his bank moreso that his "woman".

He sounds like a bum to me... Don't get sucked in, no matter how good the bedroom fun might be.

Well, you certainly wouldn't be the first person to maintain a lopsided relationship for love.

But IS there love here? 'Cuz I'm not hearing it.

:(

If he has lived this way his entire adult life, there is no reason to believe he will change. And, he may well be great husband material for the right person who accepts him as he is. From your remarks above, it doesn't sound like you are that person.

ETA: BTW, I'm not saying this as a criticism of you. What I'm saying is that it doesn't sound like your values line up. You value stability and self-sufficiency, and these things aren't important to him - he sounds like a 'fly by the seat of his pants' kind of guy. This will be a long-term issue.

Oh dear, I would be very very careful with this man if I were you. Let me tell you my story. My best friend met a man who was here on a Visa as well. He was from Jordan. This guy was freaking hot! He spoke three different languages and always talked like his family had money and he had money. He bummed everything from her! Her car, her money, her house... she always asked how come he didn't have his own things if he had so much money. He always told her that since he was in another country his assets were frozen?? Anyway, they dated for a year and she ended up getting PG from this guy... with twins! Yes, twins! This guy did not help her with anything! He didn't help with cooking, housework, grocery shopping, doing laundry.... NOTHING! And when she was getting ready to have the babies he chose not to go back in the room with her and she was like "are you kidding me". He told her that in his country that was forbidden? Long story short, she ended up marrying him so he could stay here and I was so pissed at her! I was like this guy is a mooch! And she said I want him to stay here so he can see his girls. I said he doesn't want you, he doesn't want his girls... he just wants to use you to keep his Visa valid.... the bad thing about my best friend was that since she was American she couldn't get use to the way of Arab living. I said you think that is bad, good thing you aren't back in his country with him... probably would be so much worse. She ended up divorcing him... THANK GOD! But now this girl has two babies she is raising on her own and this guy just goes from girl to girl. We think he is still here in the US but she has no idea where he is. Please be careful!

forgot to add that I think she was attracted more to the fact that he was a foreigner and that was exciting to her. not to mention even though this guy was a huge D bag, he was extremely good looking. I think she got caught up in his looks and the over all physical part of him. not good!!

Him asking to borrow $1500 is a huge red flag. You are smart to be cautious. If you marry him, your money will become his money and he might ruin you financially.

I think you should walk away from this relationship sooner rather than later.

A friend of mine, while giving me relationship counsel, pointed out that they don't usually change after marriage. What you see now is what you will get later. What traits and habits they (and we) have now, we carry with us into marriage.

I would find out the details of this non-profit. If he registered with your state as a charitable organization? Is he spending the grant funds in accordance with the grant? You do not want to marry a man whose business, and how he runs it, you know nothing about.

Does he not drive because he doesn't have a car or because he doesn't have a license?

Do not lend him money !!!!

I recommend getting a good pair of running shoes

So MANY red flags. Trust your instincts, they are almost always right.

Would love to know his age, that makes a big difference in advice. Early twenties, then some of this may be explainable. In his thirties, then RUN

The Car: Doesn't want to drive or just can't afford to right now? If he just doesn't want to - that would be a major turn off and sign that he is going to be overly dependent on you. He's already using the excuse that he wants to see you when he is clearly using you for a ride

The Pots: You say he can barely feed himself but wanted to go buy pots at Kmart?

The career: I would investigate the business a great deal. He could be telling you it's moving along, when it has already failed. If you do marry him, don't allow access to your finances

Marriage: Is he actively pushing you to get married? If so, this would indicate to me that he wants access to get your money and sponge off you. Otherwise a normal guy would want to be more established before he takes this step

I probably wouldn't say RUN, but I would say to listen to your gut. Not your heart.
Oh... and how was he on his mom's sofa if he is here on a Visa? Is his mom new here, too? And how does she have a sofa for him to sleep on? I don't have a lot of background with immigrants and Visa applications and the entire process, but it sounds odd to me that a 31 yr old man is here on a work visa and his MOTHER is also here with a sofa for him to flop on. What is SHE doing here? How did she come here... also on a work visa?

And I don't care if he is accustomed to a metro area or not. Welcome to adulthood. Find your own transport---don't rely on "my woman" to provide. You know what I mean?

How old is he? I think that will tell you a lot about his position in life. Any guy past a certain age that stills lives with his parents and doesn't drive would be a huge red flag for me. If he's still pretty young I could see that just getting his own place recently makes sense.

I think this is the type of question only you can answer and you probably already know the answer. If he asked to borrow money and you had NO reservations about his lifestyle then it wouldn't rub you raw. You would loan (or give) him the money and know in your heart it was the right thing to do. If even a little part of you feels taken advantage of then he's not marriage material in my opinion.

EDIT: Since you have experienced this sort of relationship through your mother's, it might be best to move on and find a different person. You do not want to repeat the past. Also the "fear" that you have would not let you marrying this guy. I do like Gramma G's "yoked" notation. It is very hard to get both people going in the same direction with similar interests.. I know this first hand and there are times when you want to scream and shout at the person and walk away. I am not one for handing over hard earned money and you do not know for what. So do go with your gut which is telling to RUN to the nearest exit.
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Not at the present time. He does not have anything to "bring" to the table so to speak. He is not established and it may take him 5 to 10 years before he is ready to commit the way you want.

I asked my son once what he wanted to do and he didn't. This was after he got out of the Army. I told him point blank that he was not good marital material and he had nothing to offer. He had just got a job did not have a place to really call his own as he was staying with a few buddies off and on and going to school and providing for a child. He later got his journeyman electrical license and is doing greatly now. Married (wife not child's mom) and has home and a good level of seniority in the job.

So if you are looking for a good commitment this man may not be it. How is your patience in waiting? What qualities do you want in your mate? Does our current boyfriend have any of these qualities? Seriously look deep down in what you want and don't do the "get by" or let it slide. If you do, you will regret marrying him somewhere down the line when you could have have the marriage you wanted with another person.

My father told me once that you don't have to marry the first man that asks you.

Good luck in your decision.

the other S.

PS You need to cut your losses before you are broke. He is not a citizen and he is being very sweet so that you will fall for him and marry him. Once he has you, he will revert to his old self and you will be dust in the rear view mirror. I met a person once who "thought" I would fall for him. When his visa was up he was deported. He tried many ways to get me and my aunt to sponsor him. I told him no in swift terms. He asked about my aunt and I told him forget she would not do it. He stayed in his country. I don't know what happened to him but he was not my type and I was not interested. His sister married my cousin and he thought I would fall along. Wrong on so many levels. There are more fish in the sea.

M., I think just by writing this down you have really answered your own question. I think you are already unhappy with the situation and frustrated with this guy, that is not going to get better. Frustration will turn to resentment. I am not saying I think you need to dump this guy, I am saying the two of you need to talk seriously about his future plans and aspirations.

Good Luck,

M.

A non profit isn't supposed to make money.
Sounds like he is building a business.
That said, would he be more attractive to you if he made 6 figures staring tomorrow?
Money is the #1 cause of divorce.
Have you guys talked about it and how you would handle money IF you were married.
What you've described isn't "cheap," it's BROKE.
However asking for a ride IMO isn't an indication of not standing on his own two feet--"buy me a car, gas it up, AND give me money for pots" is an indication of it.

RUN. LIKE. HELL. You will never be happy with this person. His ambitions are way different than yours.

I'll be interested to see the posts. Some will shout, "Run," and others will say, "He's trying hard to create his own business, give him credit for that."

For me? I see from the post that you really value not just money in the bank, but something bigger and deeper -- stability and independence -- for yourself, your kid(s) and by extension, for any future husband you may have.

These are good things to value, especially because children come first, forever, and stability and independence (in the form of being totally self-supporting) are vital for anyone raising children.

What we value most deeply is, in most cases, not negotiable. If you were confident that your boyfriend is firmly on track to have a real, viable and profitable business in a time frame you think is reasonable, that would be one thing. But I suspect you are not confident of that. I would not be, either, in your position.

He does sound like he has key aspects of his life that are great with your own life and values -- prayer, listening, emotional support. Those things definitely can trump money and "worldly" success! But from your post, those things are NOT trumping security and independence, for you. That is nothing to be ashamed of -- because, again, you are responsible for a child(ren) and he has no experience of how that responsibility affects your values.

I'm not sure why the "is he husband material" question is coming up now unless he's hinted that he's going to ask you to marry him, or he says that finally moving out of his parents' place means he wants you to move in --? You've only known each other one year; too soon for a single mom to be talking marriage with a guy who has no real source of income and just moved out of mom and dad's house, anyway. And the request for money is a red flag, to me, from any adult man who is courting a successful single parent; I hope you turned him down. If you did -- how did he react? His reaction to your denial could give you some important information about how he regards money, and you.

I think you are NOT being unreasonable or unsupportive to expect a grown man -- one who has his act together enough to be creating a business -- also to have his act together enough not to ask his girlfriend for money, and not to ask her for rides like a teenager.

It's time to have a talk with him. Tell him it's a positive step that he has his own place and you support that totally. (But don't move in -- he needs to learn to live alone as an adult!) Then tell him that he needs to work actively on getting his own transportation. Do not be available for rides whenever he wants or "needs" them -- no parent has time for that. Enjoy your time with him but in your own mind consider: Is there a point by which you need him to be stable, have his business up and running, etc.? If that time is now -- then it's time to move on from him. If you feel he is going to be an "eternal entrepreneur" it's time to go; if you believe in his ideas and drive enough that you think he's going to succeed and you'd be fine being the breadwinner for some years to come -- consider sticking with him.

But that loan request still nags at me....

I have 2 very different experiences with similar people. My first boyfriend graduated, lived with his mother & had a part-time job, with no drivers license. I was young, & wanted to be with him, so I did all the driving - pick him up from work, drop him off, etc. We dated for 3 years... he never got his license, never moved out, finally got a FT job but didn't do anything to excel at it, & had no motivation to better himself. It got to the point where I'd come over & instead of going out, he'd be lounging around watching sports & just expect me to stick with him & "hang out". I dumped him like a bad potato.

Guy #2 also lived @ home, was a student w/a part time job. Had a license, but was a HUGE mama's boy, as in, she ran his life, & @ age 23-4 was still expecting him home for dinner, & not out past 10pm, etc. His parents didn't think highly of his abilities to excel, & so never encouraged him to strive for more. He was taking classes part-time, & I was his first GF.

I set the bar that if he wanted a future with me, he had to pull himself up by the bootstraps & go after things with the intention to better himself, graduate on time, get a proper job, etc. He was a very caring person, to me & others, and I stayed with him while he struggled through those changes. He is now my husband.

After marriage, it still was not easy. We both lived with our respective parents until we were married, but where I had my own independence & kept my own schedule, his family still had expectations of him that made him feel guilty & conflicted. It was about 4-5 years after we were married before he finally took a stand to be his "own" person, & not allow guilt-trips to compel him to changing plans to accommodate their demands.

In your situation, it sounds like you need to be upfront about your expectations. If there is going to be a future with this man, he needs to step up & take charge of his life. Currently, he sounds like he is skating by, & dependent on you (& likely others) generosity.

He doesn't need a license, but if he doesn't drive, he needs to get around on his own with the metro. No relying on you to give him rides - you are not his chauffeur!

He doesn't need to be raking in the bucks - there are plenty of people who live frugal lives & are very happy & successful doing so. But, if he isn't going to make the $$ he needs to do the things he wants, then he either needs to forgo those ambitions, or change what he does. Borrowing money from you (or anyone!) is not the way to go about it. A solid business plan is needed.

Make sure that as a person, he has the heart of someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. My husband is a wonderful man, unlike my previous BF. As a result, I was willing to help him make the changes he needed to do (of his own initiative) & stay with him through the difficult times.

Not a decision anyone here can make for you, but important things to consider, beyond his asking for a ride or for $$. What kind of person is he, & are these issues you mention just surface flaws that he can change, or are they intrinsically a part of who he is?

Best of luck, T.

Run. Now. Like the wind. But you already know that, or you wouldn't be asking.

It sounds like a basic incompatibility issue. You do not mesh financially, are in different life stages, and your personality differences have made it impossible for you to respect him. Even though you have feelings for him, this relationship is unlikely to have a future or happy ending.

Please don't ignore your gut. You already feel uncomfortable based on these statements: " I have hated thinking of him as a bum...He's asked to borrow $1500 and just his asking rubbed me raw."

You have choices. You could leave and start over with someone new or you could pull back a little and see if he steps up and becomes the man you need or you could just stay where you are. Wise women build their men up, foolish ones tear them down.

I would dare to do something different because right now he isn't even close to marriage material. You are established and he should be showing you he is ready for a deeper commitment which he isn't based on his actions. You already seem to have a child you provide for and a husband isn't the same as a child and providing financially for one isn't wise but frustrating. I say to you pull back and pull away and see what happens. Meet new people, go new places. Let him know what you are looking for in him and see if he can produce and take the edge off you. Perhaps for him, you are a sugar momma.

RUN!!!

I hate to say this, because you sound like such a smart and capable woman, but I think he sees you as a mark. If you make any kind of commitments to him, he will probably try to turn you into his cash cow.

Better to get out now. If he acts angry, resentful, sad, or annoyed when you refuse to help him or give him money, you will be able to see that he is a user. You're wise to recognize that this could turn into a much bigger issue later.

He's got a lot to learn yet.
He's not husband material yet and won't be for another 10 or so years.
Stepping into marriage now with him will have you in the role of being his mommy and you don't want to go there.
If you feel 'hooked' - you need to wriggle off his line.
Tell him that you care for him but you don't feel that marriage would be right for the two of you right now.
He DOES need to stand on his own two feet and he should have enough pride to WANT to stand on his own two feet before he becomes responsible for a wife and children.
He needs to get a learners permit and a drivers license unless he plans to live forever in a big city and rely on public transportation all his life.
Some people do this - there's nothing wrong with it - they don't go begging rides off people all the time.
I'd also stress that although you two can be friendly, you both need to be free to see/date other people.
He might reject you and not be willing to wait for himself to grow up a bit more.
If he needs a mommy figure NOW, then he'll go trolling to look for someone to take care of him and you'll have dodged a bullet.
Certainly you should never loan him any money.
If you're a single mother - you've got your kid(s) to look after - you don't need an adult who'll act like another child (and your kids won't respect him as a father figure either if he does).
This guy can't be in a equal relationship with you because you and he are not equal and you need to be equal in order to have a functional marriage that works for the long haul (till death do you part).

I think you need to examine your expectations of a mate. Do you mind being the chief breadwinner? Do you view that as the man's job? Do you accept the idea that men can contribute to the household in other ways that just financial?

If his business fails, is he willing to get a job to help contribute? If not, do you envision having children together and possibly having him act as a SAHD? If he never contributes a significant portion to your household income, will you feel like he's a "bum," or treat him accordingly? Only you can answer the questions you are asking.

You don't say how old he is and for me, that's a big thing. If he's mid-twenties or so, then I say give him some time to really get it together. You might want to avoid giving him money and see what he is able to do on his own. I would also avoid driving him around. If he's not interested in driving himself, why should he expect you or anyone else to be interested in driving him around. Point him in the direction of public transportation.

If he's over 30, then I say run. He's not really interested in being self-supporting/sufficient and he's looking for a new "mom."

I think you answered this by your title: Cheap boyfriend. It sounds like he has lived a lifestyle that differs a lot from yours. You seem to value hard work and the rewards that go along with it while he seems to value serving others and living a modest lifestyle. I know this combo because my youngest daughter was engaged to and then broke off the engagement to a man who didn't seem motivated to be independent.

I think you need to look at this in the light of 'what if this is as good as it gets? is it enough?' If the answer is yes then he's husband material. If it's no then you'll just be resentful and things will end badly. Ending it sooner than later will be easier on the both of you.

Okay, you say he prays with you so I'm going to assume up are somewhat religious.

What does the bible say about being unequally yoked? He's poor. You're well off, you know you are. Most people make half what you make, probably about 1/3 of what you make.

You are an independent, smart, hard working woman who has a choice to make.

Either you accept him for who he is, fully supporting him in ALL ways. That would probably mean giving him a hefty allowance each month to supplement his income, if he even chooses to work.

I have a friend who went to college in her 30's. worked super hard and got her masters in psychology. Works for a local tribe and is over their entire social services program. She makes 6 figures too. She knew going into her marriage that she would be the bread winner, the full support of her family.

Hubby is a mechanic so work is sporadic and he collects old cars. So money goes out, some comes in, enough to be his pocket money.

She had always expected to support herself and never be a SAHM, she expected to buy her own home and vehicles, buy her own clothes, kids stuff, etc....she choose to marry this man and is extremely happy. They take expensive trips as a family every other year and on the other years they take trips stateside. Like a road trip to the Grand Canyon or drive to the Smithsonian and stay in the area a week.

One of my friends that is a math wizard and super super super smart got her doctorate in math. She was married to a man who dressed in pants too big, he was fat and always looked like he needed a shower, he worked at a Subway. So he was invariably wearing a green shirt and black or khaki pants that were falling off and way too long.

She got a job as a professor of mathematics at a prestigious university in another state. She moved away, he didn't. She had tried to get him to dress a little better, at least in clothes that fit. He didn't like her styles. So she realized he would always be an embarrassment to her and would never fit in with her at Christmas parties or banquets. She chose to leave him behind and move on. He adored her and almost worshiped the ground she walked on. He loved her but he was who he was, take or leave him.

OR

You decide you want a man who is also a hard worker that makes his own way. He won't be dependent on you in any way, except for companionship.

He might have his own styles and not be willing to compromise about anything.

He might also expect everyone to just about worship him too. Ego's can be a big bad thing.

*****

That said. If you do believe in God and prayer I'd like to suggest you do something.

Prepare yourself for a prayer vigil. Fast if you believe in that. Read your scriptures, research being unequally yoked, true love in the face of differences, what is it you expect in a relationship, and how you expect to think about your retirement years.

Then take an evening off, no kiddo's, no pets, no TV shows, just go in your quiet area and talk to God. He "is" listening. He will answer you, you have to be listening to him. Sometimes it's like a 2X4 up side the head and other times it's "Either way you go it will be okay". Sometimes we just get to make choices and none are bad.

I pray you'll find a peaceful answer quickly. I know it's hard when the heart is involved but your decision, your attitude about what your money is for, if you can accept the role of breadwinner, or if you can't, those are things God will help you find deep in your heart.

Why does he not drive or have a car?

He would not be for me that is for sure. At a minimum, I think a grown man should be financially independent. My husband was not rich when I married him but he was smart and ambitious.

My now husband was starting his own company soon after we met so after he kept spending on it, his money got tight too. But - it bugged the hell out of him and he had a car, rented his own place and never asked me for money. Your guy is pretty extreme unless he's 24 or 25 years old... I do think you could be primary breadwinner if attitudes are inline and it could be ok. But it has to be a mutally agreeable situation. I wouldn't mind if my husband stayed home (I still outearn him) and he did everything at home like a SAHM and respected that I was primary breadwinner. That scenario seems uncommon though. More often there are conflicts and resentments. So I wouldnt say there is zero chance of it working but there are certainly red flags. Depending on you financially if you get married and have kids and he is taking care of them is one thing. Depending on you now when you aren't even married and don't have children together is a bit much...

i myself would have a hard time with this. love can overcome, i suppose, but i suppose i'm old school in that i like men who are self-sufficient. i don't expect to be supported (although i am right now and i must say i'm loving it!) but i'd want my partner to at least be able to pull his own weight.
but i have to give you kudos for hands-down the best post title of the day!
:D khairete
S.

Do you love him? Does he love you? Are you willing to support him once you are married? And by support him I mean not only financially but support his wanting to make a go of a non profit?

I'll tell you, I know way too many women who marry for money and are unhappy. I also know plenty of women who wallow in grief and don't work (are SAHMs) while their hubby goes out and barely earns enough for the family to get by. And many women who marry for money only to find out that money doesn't bring love or happiness!

Personally, I think that if you love him and are happy to continue to work, why not be the bread winner? There is nothing wrong with a woman being in that situation.

Love and maturity means that you go in with your eyes open. Can you handle your role. Can you handle his? His rough patch might not be a rough patch. It may be who he is. Ask yourself if you and he can make this work. Have conversations with him. See where he is going and what he expects.

Good luck!! Be happy!!!

He needs to grow up. You deserve better.

My gut reaction - run. I don't see long term success in mixing a stable, responsbile adult (you) who's pulling the weight of a half grown adult (him).

A relationship is a partnership. Each person brings to the table half of what the entire organism needs to survive and thrive. His being stable (emotionally and financially) are key parts of his half of the bargain. He doesn't sound even remotely prepared to be in a serious, committed, goal setting, future driving, long term, adult relationship. It's not about the money; it's about his inability or lack of readiness to be responsible. No one in a relationship wants to carry both sides of the relationship in order for it work. I vote run. If for no reason other than the issues won't get magically better unless one person makes drastic changes either in effort or standards.

All I'm going to say it's that it's downright freaky how this guy could be a copy-cat scenario that your mom had. Run.

I think when you find the one you're meant to be with, you will not feel ANY hesitation. Someone you're meant to be with could ask you for the WORLD and it would not "rub you raw." I'm not faulting you - I am saying that this is obviously not your future husband.

Love is unquestionable. Having this many questions - I'd say you're not in love, and I think love needs to be the starting point of a marriage. I wish you well with whatever you do, but especially having a child already - steer clear of a marriage that sounds like it's headed for divorce before it even starts.

Pray for you?? sounds like you need to pray for him.....to get his act together

You sound like a smart woman. If you are ok being the bread winner, then stay. If not, then go.

I don't know…if he does not change in life and you always support him for the rest of your life could you handle that? I would not be able to. I would wait and tell him you need to see him making it on his own, supporting himself, saving money, flourishing, driving himself, and making responsible financial decisions. My SIL married the first man she dated…she was around 30. He is from a third world country. Their marriage really seems hard…like it's a constant struggle and he will never change. He wants the american lifestyle, but he just expects to get it. He works hard with two part time jobs that make minimum wage, but he does not think he needs degrees and higher education. He does not work to better himself. They are constantly struggling financially. It turns out they are so different in many ways…the biggest one is in how to raise children. Another big one is religion…he does not like his boys exposed to Santa and Christmas. It makes him very uncomfortable. There are many other things. Personally, I would be super wary. I would not want to be married the rest of my life to someone who is extremely different from me and have my marriage be a huge struggle.

Just going on your post title, not would not and did not allow a person I was seeing to get away with treating me poorly (no gifts for my birthday).

For me no way uh uh. But everyone is different. Maybe you don't mind but it sounds like you do. So, leave now before it is worse ie kids etc.