S.H.
I did not have much of a relationship with my mother until I was 34. Until then, I would have actual physical pain every time I knew I was going to see her. I tried and tried. talked and talked, Distanced and stopped talking....
Until one day I looked at my perfect baby and realized that my mom was born perfect, too. Then I tried to imagine what it would take to turn my sweet little girl into an insecure, tyrannical control freak like my mother. I realized that she is a pre-emptive emotional attacker. It's the only way she feels safe. It broke my heart.
So I changed. I decided to stop being her daughter and start being the mother she always wanted. I love her unconditionally, with patience and when she behaves badly, I explain it to her the same way I explain things to my kids. I don't get mad at her. I don't let her know that this is my plan, but I think that for the first time in her life, she feels loved and accepted. I DO fail at this sometimes, and Vipassana meditation helps me stay focused. But it works! I am now very close to her. I don't have the Brady mom, I have my mom, and all of a sudden, that is enough for me. It is perfect, in fact, because I accept what I have and not what my fantasy of a mom is.
With that said, if she hurts my children, they become off limits to her. My first job is to protect them. And I tell her exactly why and let her know what exactly needs to change. She doesn't appologize or anything, but she does change. No one will hurt my children the way I felt hurt. But everyone deserves a chance to grow, even if their egos are big.
I can't tell you how liberating it is. If you want to know more about how I came to this, I'd be happy to share it with you in PM.
I DO think it is worth it to reconcile, but you have to come to a peaceful place about it first and accept who he is, not who you want him to be. Then you can start to have a relationship with him on those terms. You cannot change him, but if you are graceful you give him a space in which to grow.
I wish you the best.