Is It Rude to Invite When You're Invited?

I think I’d Say you didn’t realize the oldest already had plans that day with his girlfriend and then suggest an alternate date because you really want to spend time just you and the kids.

Yes it's rude but what are you going to do? If you truly can't afford it just say so and request the extra kid bring cash for her share. If you can afford it (and are simply annoyed, like I would be) then take this as a lesson learned and spell things out next time.

"Oh I didn't realize Johnny had plans for that night already when I invited the kids, let's just pick another night then". You teach people how to treat you. What your friend did is BEYOND rude.

That is rude of her. I would announce right back to her that you weren't prepared to accommodate another child (who you don't even know) and ask if her parents are paying her share or if your friend would like to reschedule when it's just her kids.

ETA: With what you've added to your post, I see that you don't have kids yourself, so you can ignore what I said below about your children. But the remarks on the rudeness still apply. So, inviting a friend says, "Well, my kid doesn't want to see you. He'll only come if you pay for his friend. Rude and presumptuous, in my view.

Original response: It's rude on two levels. First of all, there's the apparent expectation that you will pay. But more than that, it's as if her child will only come to your kids' outing if there's an added friend to ensure that I actually have a good time.

So I do think you have to say something. One of the easiest things to do (in the future - too late for now) when you're shocked by something is just to play the "I don't get it" card. While you try to figure out how to react, just be "confused." It's a good technique when you think you've been insulted or, say, when someone tells a racist joke. Say, "I think I'm a bit confused here. Are you saying that my invitation to your children is being extended to someone else I don't know?" Then pause for them to respond. She'll probably say something like, "What's the big deal?" or "I thought my Joey's friend, Billy, would like to come." Then repeat, slowly, "I'm sorry if I'm just not understanding, but you are saying that, when I issued an invitation for your children to come as my guests for bowling and dinner, that you thought it would be good to enlarge that party by adding people?" The trick is to say this without condemnation or outrage - even if you're feeling it. She'll probably defend it again. If appropriate, you can add, "Don't you think Billy's parents, whoever they are, would find it very odd that someone they don't know is inviting their child out for an afternoon? I don't know if I'd like that if the situation were reversed. And, just so I understand, did you tell these people that I would pay for their child to come to my party? Is this something that is common in your social circle?"

You can also say to your "friend" that you are sorry, but you budgeted a certain amount and that you don't really want to teach your children that it's okay to take along to some event when the invitation didn't come directly from the host and hostess. It's a little trickier if you know the other family (of the add-on child) but still...

It may get a little testy, but honestly, this is not a situation that you created. Yes, little Billy will get un-invited, but that's on your friend to explain to them. She'll be annoyed, but she won't do it again. If you give in, you're asking for it to happen in the future and you're also letting her show your kids the wrong way to act about invitations they hear about but didn't receive directly.

Just say, "Make sure Suzy's mom sends money with her to pay for herself." You need to be upfront, so you don't feel resentful.

Is there a reason the other child is coming? Are they spending the day with your friends child? Or does the child who is bringing a friend feel that they need a friend along? I would want to know the reason and then make a decision. If you are not comfortable with the reason, say so. I would either reschedule when just the kids you are planning for can go or pay for the additional child. Taking 5 and paying for 4 is just awkward.

I like the idea of saying, I just want me and the kids so I can have some one on one time with them without the distraction of friends, girlfriends, etc. Then say can we reschedule if it doesn't work?

Updated

I like the idea of saying, I just want me and the kids so I can have some one on one time with them without the distraction of friends, girlfriends, etc. Then say can we reschedule if it doesn't work?

I'm surprised you are asking. Of course you don't have to pay for a 5th kid. You know this.

Don't let people make you feel like you have to be footing bills...

Tell your friend that it's fine if the boy brings the girlfriend, but she will need to pay her own bill. Don't apologize. Don't belabor the point and don't explain why. Period.

yeah, pretty rude.

you get to pick how you handle it. you can smile graciously, pay for the extra kid and then go forward knowing to put more strictures on future invitations (not that you should have to, but clearly your friend is a little clueless.)

you could make your position clear by saying pleasantly, 'oh dear, i didn't realize it was a bad time! let's reschedule for a date when i can spend time with just your family. you know how much i adore your kids.'

or 'that would be okay with me, marylou, but i'm afraid my budget won't allow for another guest on my dime. how should we handle that?'

it's a pity the burden of finding the right reaction has been laid on you.
khairete
S.

You are right to feel that this is rude, your invitation did not include a plus one and your friend should have at least checked with you and offered to help pay if including uninvited guests.

I wouldn't like that either. But what you might say ok but they will need to pay for their own. No you should not feel like you have to pay for someone that you did not invite. and she may not be expecting you to. The right thing would have been for her to say hey can so and so come too and I will pay for them.

"I can't be like okay, I'll pay for you 4 but not the tag along kid!"

Why not? The girlfriend is not someone you know nor someone you are treating for the holidays, you specifically said you are treating your friend's kids. I would tell the friend that you have no problem with her coming along, but you will only be treating her kids and if one of the kids wants to bring a friend or girlfriend, they will need to bring their own money or your friend can reimburse you for that person's tab and let her deal with asking the girlfriend's parents to reimburse her back (or not). It's not your responsibility to pay for the girlfriend, who you did not invite on this outing.

The other alternative is to give each kid (the 4, not the girlfriend) a gift card for the price of a dinner and bowling ticket so they can use it on their own time, with whoever they want, without that extra person's meal and bowling ticket being your problem anymore. Just tell them to call you when they have some free time to go out together and use their gift cards for their meals and bowling games.

Very rude, in my opinion. Your friend should at least offer to pay for that additional child.

That's rude.

Hopefully your friend will pay for the child when the time comes and spare you further awkwardness. Ugh.

** is there a reason she'd do this? Did the oldest not have one of your kids to hang out with? Even so - she shouldn't just announce it. She should have asked at the very least.

Added: Saw your SWH. Ya, that's rude and tricky. Mom should have handled that better - and said no to son inviting girlfriend along. Now that's become your problem. I don't think the afternoon will be the same with her there - so there's that to consider too - the dynamic will be different. I would talk to the mom and jus say this isn't what you'd had in mind. Ask her if she'd please handle it.

I like Diane's advice. Going to remember that for the future.

Yes it's very rude.
They didn't even ASK you they just INFORMED you.
That's beyond rude.
Inform your friends it's not ok so they don't pull this trick next time.
And if the spare shows up - you don't pay for him/her.

Additional:
A girlfriend in the 8th grade?
Too young and completely beside the point.
You didn't invite her and he is wrong to invite her to an event that he isn't running.
I'd change the date and make it clear this is not for significant others - just the people that YOU invite.

B.

Welcome to mamapedia!

YES!!! It's EXTREMELY RUDE to invite someone along without talking with the offeror FIRST.

I would tell my friend that I'd much rather have time with them alone and her.

It's very rude. I think I'd say something like "I'm a little confused about why his friend is coming. Do his friend's parents understand that they need to pay for his bowling and dinner?"