I am a planner, it wasn't always that way ,but has developed over the years as life has shown me that if you want to accomplish things you must truly plan for them.
I don't like surprises and I don't deal well with spontaneity. I realize that we have no control over some of the things in life that pop up. These things I have learned to adapt to, but is it really too much to ask for a little more than a one days heads up when my fiancé is planning to go hunting.
He just got back home from working night shifts over the weekend, yesterday and tells me oh by the way one night this week my buddy and I plan to go on an overnight hunting trip but I am not sure what night yet.. Um okay..shouldn't this have been discussed last week with me, there may be things I need you around here for this week..then he calls me today after I get to work and says..Oh well we are going tonight so I will see ya tomorrow when you get off work..I almost said ..well no you won't the locks will be changed you inconsiderate jerk! but I bit my tongue then he plays the " You know, if you don't want me to go then just say so." I am no fool, I fell into that trap in my last marriage and got burned every time..it always came up later, only it was the whole ..well you said I couldn't scenario..no thank you I do not want that again.
I keep asking myself if these spontaneous hunting trips are something I can live with, I did ask him if we just had to live our lives around his buddies schedule during hunting season, he got very defensive so I dropped it.
I know that it is a huge adjustment for him to stop and consider others as he has been single and didn't have any kids in his life before my son and I came into the picture.
I guess it was after my son was born when I started the road on the strict planning life. I have to put his needs first and so I scheduled my life around that. My "free" time was the time he was with his father for visitation.
I have a hard time with change, I know this about myself, but is it really too much to ask that he plans out and schedules his hunting times more than just a day before so I have time to plan things accordingly.
Maybe I am just crazy, but it just seems like that isn't all that much to ask of someone but to him it appears I am asking too much.
What do you mama's think.
Thanks for the input, I should have also included the fact that we had scheduled an appointment last night for someone to come over to our home this evening to discuss the home security system I won, he was okay with it being scheduled for tonight when we did it last night but acted like he didn't need to be there for it after he found out he was going hunting this evening. I called and cancelled the consultation this morning after he called me. He had also told me this morning before he got the "hunt" call that he would come up and take my car in to get my right two tires repaired ( so I wouldn't have to take my son with me to get it done this evening if the place was open) and he bailed on that as well. I guess after everything I have been through in my past with similar situations, his actions are seeming more like warning signs to me, he says one thing but then bails out. It hasn't been until recently that this has been happening, I know if we can work things out and come to a compromise during deer season it will be okay. I just don't know if he will stick with the compromise and our wedding is scheduled for this coming June.
I will update again after speaking with him.
.12-2-10
So after talking with him, he didn't realize it was an issue, he just thinks of it as reorganizing his schedule, but he agreed that he needs to be more considerate of others now that he actually has others in his life to take into consideration, and since it is only hunting season that any issues like this have come up we both came to the agreement that he would start being the one to schedule any overnight hunts if they are going to be done.
He apologized for upsetting me, I was just glad we worked through and reached a compromise we could both live with.
I know part of my issue is everything that has happened repeatedly in my past, I also mentioned that before we get married that maybe we get couples counseling , we both went had previous marriages that didn't work out, and I want to make sure we can have positive communications before one or the other gets upset and has to call a "sit down". I know counseling doesn't solve everything but it will give us both the tools we lacked in our first marriages that combined with the fact we love each other very much and want to grow old together should help things to work out.
Thanks again for the input
I think you need to plan as much as you can and still be a little flexible. I like the idea of sitting down with him to make the plans that would help you know what to expect. Then if something comes up you mutually decide if it can work, given what you already planned. Communication is key - not accusing him of being thoughtless, but saying - how can we help each other get what we both need.
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Not meaning to be disrespectful at all, but I can't help but wonder if you really would be less miffed by the hunting trip if you had the notice you say you'd prefer... it seems to me like your being upset about his trip(s) is more about your fiance not being around where and when you want him, than it is about the short notice. I could be totally wrong, but just wondering...
#1- Don't compare your last marriage to this one. They're different or you wouldn't be married a 2nd time.
#2- Guys don't think ahead with things like this. He probably was talking with his buddy and it was last minute for them too.
#3- If you want to do something, do you check in with him every time?
#4- Men tend to forget everything mentioned ahead of time... They assume we do too.
#5- Would YOU want your husband to react like you wanted to for something you wanted to go and do? How would you react to him if he told you that the locks would be changed by leaving overnight?
If I were him, I'd want to know what bug crawled up your behind or if you were hormonal.
I completely understand how you'd have liked to have a heads up, but is it REALLY that big of a deal that he made the decision to go on an overnight hunting trip with his buddy?
Pick your battles.
Good Grief, pick you battles! I have 2 kids and also like to plan but my husband spends time at the lease a lot during hunting season. We actually own a nice 5th wheel trailer that sits vacant when he isn’t there, so in addition to the hunting, we also have the expenses.
Sometimes I really enjoy the time away from him... I can clean in the middle of the night, watch whatever I want on TV and the 3 of us eat Taco Bell (since my hubby doesn't like that place) the night he is gone… good Mommy son stuff!
Really J.... make the most of what you have and stop nitpicking at things that don't really matter :)
Good Luck!
E.
IMO if its an overnight thing it should be discussed, not just "Honey I am going to do this". My husband and I I always check to make sure that whatever we are going to do is okay with the other and if its an overnight thing a little more heads up then the night of is a considerate thing to do. sounds like maybe you need to sit down and talk to him about it, and not the day before or of his trip, when he might get defensive about it. Also wording is key here, like starting off "I know you need time with your friends and really enjoy going hunting, but do you think in the future it could be a little more planned out or we could set aside a day or two a week where you could make these plans, so I dont plan something for us as well". I am a scheduler as well and I know its frustrating dealing with people who are not, but this is where being a little flexable will go a long way, just dont go too far where you will be angry or resentful about it. Hope this helps ((HUGS))
If you aren't married yet and he is spontaneous and you are not, I think you should reconsider if you are sure you want to marry him? Because when you marry someone, you have to accept them as is, and not keep hoping that they will change. Maybe he is waiting for you to be more spontaneous and free, and you are waiting for him to help you plan things and schedule things better.
I also like the idea of thinking of it this way. If your friend called you up and said, "hey, we are getting together for a girls night out tonight, can you come?" Would you be okay with your husband vetoing you because it wasn't scheduled ahead of time and also threatening to change the locks? Did you threaten that or were you just saying that to us? Personally, I think you sound a tad bit controlling. Maybe you aren't and I am totally wrong about you, not trying to judge. Just the way you wrote this sounds controlling. But then in my marriage, my husband and I pretty much do whatever we want and don't really do a lot of joint decision-making/planning, so maybe that is not so good? It works for us though.
LOL I wouldn't have bitten my lip. It isn't wrong you would like to know his plans before he drops them on you, it's just consideration. You are not crazy sit down and talk to him so this doesn't happen again.
Well, in his defense, he did give you a heads up that he was going hunting this week, and wasn't sure on the exact date, he was waiting on his buddy to find out, and he told you once he found out. If it were my husband, I'd be expecting it to be any night since he already gave me the warning that he was going. I guess I would want leniency if I wanted to do something spur of the moment and can't get that if I'm not willing to give it.
But, if it's something that keeps happening, then sure, I'd be pissed too.
What my family does, is every Sunday or Monday night, sit down with a calender and plan out that week and the next few weeks, and if a change happens later, we always ask for approval and be sure to let the other person know what is going on. It's common courtesy really. Then, he know when a free time is, and what you expect of him to do around the house or errands wise or whatever before he leaves on the trip.
Also, do you not want him going for a reason, do you have plans it's interfering with or are just tired of his leaving without much warning? If you have something you need him to do, then tell him, you can go so long as these things are done first like we agreed on during our planning meeting last week. Otherwise, what's the big deal? It's always good to be flexible and to allow your husband his free time as well.
And, don't think what happened in your last marriage will happen here too. It's not fair to him or you. Honest communication is the best way to go. I don't think he is purposely trying to offend you, maybe just a little dense.
I wouldn't fall into that trap either. And I'm glad that you recognize it.
I would simply return the favor on him. At your whim. If he whines, you can simply point out that you didn't think it was necessary, since he never runs his plans by you.
That should end the behavior fairly quickly. It's passive aggressive, but sometimes, that's what you need to make a point rather than a confrontation.
I would have been PO'ed too. I'm sorry, I wouldn't just take off overnight without warning my husband. This is only acceptable if you could call your husband on Friday and say "honey, I'm going out of town tomorrow when you get home from work, thanks for watching junior for the next 24 hours." What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
I'm a planner too - lists galore etc. So I appreciate notice and get mad at lack thereof too. But - if your fiance is not the biological father and he's overall a good, considerate guy, I'd try to let these hunting trips go. I assume most of the reason you'd like notice is bc of caring for your son. Before I had kids, I was very flexible with my husband's comings and goings. So if it's the same for you, try to remember being a parent is new to your fiance and he's not the actual father so depending on your agreement, might have less responsibility. If you actually depend on him say to watch your son while you're at work and now he can't, it definitely warrants a discussion. Ask him how you can keep a job that way. I assume he wants you to keep working. If it's more a matter of personal convenience, I have to say I'd try to let it go most of the time. Keep requesting notice in a nice way but I'd try not to get mad.
i wouldn't have bit my lip and personally, if you're having such a hard time with it now, maybe you should reconsider the marriage until he's ready to settle down, if he's not then maybe consider who you're willing to marry. You're already engaged, so if he hasn't changed for you yet, he wont.
just a thought
Arguing about it as he's trying to leave for the trip will be pointless so what I suggest is let him go and have a good time THIS TIME.
After he is back (but not immediately) tell him that you want to have a talk. Tell him that you know he is used to being single and childless but since you are living as a family, you see it as neither of you are single and childless. You are a family and that means that one's actions directly affect the other and your son. See how he sees it or feels about it. If you two aren't on the same page, this will help you determine how to proceed.
Tell him that you know he loves going hunting but if his hunting affects your schedule or takes him from things he would otherwise being responsible for you really need to have time to plan for such changes.
Maybe lay out a calendar for when hunting season is and that way you both know way ahead of time. If there is something that needs to be done, he will be able to get it done before he leaves if you be sure to post it too. If there are other such activities, include them too.
