Is It Ok for My 19 Yr Old Son to Spend EVERY Wend with His Girl?

It's his choice. He's an adult. As long as she isn't underage and they're having sex. He could go see her everyday if he wants.

As for giving him rules. Just know he can leave and not come back. Compromising and asking him to let you know if he's going to be late is kind. But he could just go move in with his buddies and be gone.

She's his girlfriend. Of course he wants to spend time with her. From his perspective, there's no such thing as too much time with his girlfriend. You can encourage him to do things with his buddies and do things for himself, but it's no longer your place to tell him what to do.

This is the time in his life when it's his decision and not yours. He's an adult, and he needs to make these decisions for himself. That means he's going to make some mistakes, but they are his to make and his to own. He needs to own the consequences of his decisions.

I understand what you're saying. You want him to be healthy and happy and possibly the idea of her spending that much time at your house is driving you crazy. People are different, and maybe her mom really doesn't mind.

He's over 18. He's too old for a curfew. He could be living on his own. It's time for him to be given the freedom to make his own life choices.

He sounds perfectly normal. If her parents have a problem with the amount of time he spends there, they will need to set boundaries. It really is preferable to have him sitting at her house than feeling that they have to stay out until curfew. If you force him to be out and about rather than at her house with adults there, you are actually setting up a less safe environment.

I think it sounds normal, and you should be relieved that he's either in her house or in yours. He's an adult, and your parenting is done. Whatever he is, it's because of your influence. If an adult child lives at home, I can see that you want some sort of idea when he is coming home, and you don't want doors slamming at 3 a.m. I'm not sure a curfew is required for someone 19 who is out of school and working during the week (which is what I assume he is doing, since he doesn't see her except on weekends). We required that our son inform of us his plans at that age, but we didn't tell him what to do. We just didn't want to worry if he didn't come home, or be startled by the garage door going up at 1 a.m. unless we knew it was him. He was happy to provide info. We trusted that he was old enough to make decisions, even if they weren't the decisions we might make. You might consider giving your son more freedom so he learns to manage it, in preparation for being on his own.

As for what goes on in the other house, that's up to the mom there. Hopefully she is perfectly capable of letting her daughter and your son know what the house rules are. She's probably thrilled to know where her daughter is instead of thinking that they're off in a motel somewhere! I assume you have taught your son good manners throughout his upbringing and that he's not rude or disrespectful. So I'd cut him some slack.

You give your 19 year old a curfew? Really? Is he in college? At 19, I was living in a dorm and coming and going as I pleased (and this was in the 80s, and even then there were no dorm curfews). If he's not in college, he could be renting his own apartment. I have a hard time seeing why a 19 year old has a curfew. If he's old enough to serve in the military, he's old enough to decide when to come home.

This is very normal. Your 19 has a curfew? Really??? When mine were 19 one was in college and the other in the military. I figure as long as they told me when they thought they might be back I was doing good.

Pretty common. If her mom doesn't mind, then I really don't see the issue.
Heck I have girlfriends in their 40's-50's who have entered a new relationship and spend allllll their time with that person.
I'm guessing the mom likes them to be at her house to somewhat keep an eye out since she is still in high school. I'd let it be. Especially if he doesn't see her through the week, it makes sense they spend weekends together.

I don't quite get what you mean by 'sit' - do you just mean, hang out?

So he sees her Friday evening and Saturday afternoon and evening?

Honestly, that doesn't sound that unreasonable - sounds pretty typical. I think it's good he's still seeing his buds. I would be concerned as well if he wasn't fitting in time to see his friends.

I always look to make sure there's balance. I think in the early stages of anything (any new friendship/relationship), people (kids and adults alike) go a bit ga-ga - don't they?

I know I have. I think I'd note unhealthy behaviors - like obsessive things or personality changes - but you don't mention that at all. This just sounds like typical teenage/young adult interest.

If it were me, I'd encourage him to have her around to your place, so it's not so one-sided. I think you would be much more comfortable that way - your mind would be put at ease. You should be getting to know her also.

To me, it sounds like her parents are getting to know, like and trust your son.

I would ask him to respect certain times (if you really don't want him coming in at all hours and it wakes you up, etc. then that's ok - it is your house). When I came home during the summers I think I was respectful of that.

Overall, I really think a 19 year old should decide for himself how to spend his own free time. And a high school senior should also be able to manager her own social time.

If he wears out his welcome with her family, they can address it with him. And that would be his problem.

Sometimes young and in-love is oblivious. So I do think it's good that you've made him aware that he MAY be imposing by spending so much time there. Perhaps her family isn't assertive enough to say something. But HE could bring it up and ask in a respectful way if they mind him over so much to visit, OR can they agree on another plan that works for everyone. It is possible, her parents prefer the arrangement as a safe place they can keep and eye on your daughter while she is in a dating relationship with your son.

Since you've shared your opinion with him already, I think you should back off and try not to make it into your problem, when it's really his, if it is one.

I also that adult children should not have curfews, but should follow rules of respect by communicating their plans and whereabouts, and not interfering with anyone in their household getting a peaceful night's sleep. He's dating a high school girl, and it sounds like he is a good young man with responsibilities, so do you really think he would be coming and going at all times of the night if you allowed him to manage his own time?

I understand what you're saying about wanting your son to be respectful of the people he lives with and come home at a reasonable time. That can be a conversation you have with him where the three of you come to an agreement about what a reasonable time is, as well as discuss any household expectations you all have.

I think using the word "curfew" is beneath him. He isn't a child anymore. He isn't in high school anymore, even if he was a year ago. He is over 18, and he could be living in a college dorm or an apartment where he could completely come and go as he pleased.

By not calling it a curfew, and instead focusing on agreed upon hours and expectations, you would be giving him the respect that he has already earned. You would also be teaching him how to behave with other adults and possibly future roommates.

why is it okay for you to micromanage your grown son's social and romantic activities?

if her mother thinks he's hanging around too much she can tell him.

you nagging him will make his mooning around the girl worse.

you infantilizing him will make pretty much everything worse.

if you have a specific something that you want him home for, tell him. if he asks your advice on how much time he should spend with his girl, tell him.

other than that, find something else for YOU to do.
khairete
S.

I have had a similar issue but my son gf is a 16 year old little twit that me and my husband don't like at all. She's not good for him and I think if he gets a clue and ever breaks up with her she could become a stalker. If she's a decent person be happy. My son id's in college we are hoping he'll get over her in time.

I agree with you.
But there's not much you can do about it.
There is too much rush to be in exclusive relationships at too young an age.
The thought of 'finding the one' is so exciting at first.
But it closes you off from other experiences and opportunities.
While everything shouldn't be all about friends - when is a better time for it?
There's a time for settling down - and 19 is not it.

Rather than attempting to put the brakes on this - you might want to step up talk about wedding plans especially with the girl and her mother.
If your son has any sense at all - that should be a cold splash of water on his face.
If not - he's not going anywhere he doesn't want to go - but he might come to regret his current decisions later on in life.

I would worry if he is excluding others from his life.

I think it's normal to worry a little, but there doesn't seem to be a problem. You set a curfew because he's still living under your roof, that's perfectly fine, and it seems like he respects that. He's smitten, it's sweet, and it's probably really nice for him to be young and in love. If his girlfriend's mom doesn't mind then that's great. If you think it's not fair on her mom, suggest that he invites her over to your place more often (but be prepared for an answer you might not like, her mom might be "cooler" than you in his eyes, or might let them have more privacy...)
Maybe this is the love of his life, maybe they'll break up and he will regret not seeing his friends as much, but either way, it's his life and he'll figure it all out, and one day he'll think back and realize he's lucky to have such loving, supportive parents