Is an Occasional Night Out Such a Bad Thing?

K. - I believe that not only is a night out NOT a bad thing, it is a necessary thing! You need to get away from house/family once in a while to "recharge". Going out with friends is great, because you can talk about experiences and learn a lot as well. Being away makes you happy to come back too!

Good luck!

I think that every mom needs that time away at some point. I know that I really miss being able to go out and socialize and it is important in keeping who you are and not just becoming "susie's mom". I dont see anything wrong with it at all.

You are NOT his mother. Go out and have fun. I go out and try to NOT act single, so he's completely wrong right there. I actually am single, but I don't like meeting guys in bars. I'm there to hang with my friends. Don't feel bad. He can get over it.

Hi K., I wanted to reply to your request. I'm also 29 and have a 4yr. old son and a wonderful husband. I'm fortunate to be a stay at home mother, an army wife and am currently finishing my degree I started upteen years ago. I still go out every now and then and thankfully, my husband encourages it. I believe that we all need a stress release, something that only us can have to call our own...wheather it be continuing our education, the gym, socializing with friends or going to have a massage at the local spa. It makes us better parents I think! We need a chance to take a step back, take a deep breath and clear our minds of all the chaos that creeps up. My husband even tells me that I deserve it, for all that I do. He too does not like the loud club/bars, but he does go out with the guys to a sports bar or some place like that, so that he gets his chance to re-collect. Us mothers and wives tend to neglect ourselves. We always put everyone first and ourselves on the back burner, which I'm guilty of myself. Its just our nature to nurture, but we do have to take time for ourself, its important! I also believe that if we don't take care of ourselves physically and mentally, it will have a ripple effect to our loved ones. I hope you & your husband can find some kind of compromise. Good luck & best wishes to you and your family!

Absolutly you need to go out and have fun! He needs to be able to trust you that you are not going to cheat on him. He should know you well enough for that!!! What is your relationship if their is no trust for one another? Enjoy your girl time, we all need that. :)

K.,
To each his/her own. What you would do may not be what I would do and vise versa. The truth is you have to do what makes you happy. You are your own person and you have to live your life the way you see fit. You know in your heart what is right and what is wrong and you have to live accordingly.
Now.....you do deserve to get out. In a perfect world, your husband would get out with you every once in a while and let the child stay with your parents while you go out. If you have suggested that he go with you and he is just adamant about not going then I wouldn't be ugly and just tell him you are going. Make every suggestion you can first, like going out with other girls and their husbands (together), etc. If he still doesn't want to go then have a talk with him and tell him that is what it takes to make you happy and that you have to get out every now and then for your peace of mind. You are an adult and just becuase you are married and just becuase you have children doesn't mean your life STOPS. You still need some "YOU" time. It is healthy to interact and have a social life. It isn't healthy to give up everything just because you get married and have a baby.
I know that you probably feel guilty and that will be normal. But go out and have a good time.

Now on another note. Be thankful that you do have a husband that lets you go out and doesn't try to control you. I was married to the devil when I was younger and I wasn't allowed. Yes I said ALLOWED. I was too young and dumb to realize that I didn't have to MIND him as if he were my parnet. When I did gain my control over myself and the courage to tell him that this is what I was going to do, he would do something to the car so that I couldn't go anywhere. It got worse from there. He then ruined every friendship that I had so I wouldn't have a reason to socialize. So be thankful that you do have a husband that isn't controlling and that understands your needs and is willing to accept that. Just try to include him; whether he goes or not is his choice.
Good luck, M.

Not if you are doing the right thing. You must have your own friends as well are your own life too. If he doesn't want to come that's on him. We, as women must have our ladies only time. Does your husband have friends he can do things with also? This helps to make a well balanced marriage. You can't spend all your time with your husband and/or children. We also need "me" time and time with friends. You could also try going out with other couples, perhaps he would be more willing then?

K.,
I have only been here in NC for about 3 yrs. When I lived in NJ I had a day out each week. I was on a women's pool league. Well since I've been down here, I have done NOTHING. Let me tell ya, my stress level was much lower when OI had that day off so to speak! I LOVE it here in NC, but need to find a new outlet. Getting away from home once in a while is perfectly ok! Enjoy it! DO NOT feel guilty in any way. Everyone needs some 'me' time or you will lose you. Our Mom's may have done it, but times change! If ya are interested, I'm out in the country and would love to make some new friends and have a girls nite out!
Hope this helps,
S. J
__Fight Lyme Disease
www.ShazzArtisticVisions.com

What I really want to say is "Tell him to suck it up! You need free time too!" BUT the realistic side of me says... make sure he has an equal amount of time to do something with friends, or maybe, to make him feel better, go to a girlfriends house instead of a bar every so often. It would also be cheaper than beer on tap.

You should not feel bad going out once a month! It makes you a better mom when you are able to blow off steam.

I go out with the girls two nights a month--one night a month 12 of us get together and play Bunco and the other night the baseball moms go out for dinner and drinks at a new restaurant every time. We eat, drink, laugh and have a great time. My husband does things with his friends too so he can't really say anything about it. My suggestion would be to get the girls together and play cards at each other's houses or go out to restaurants. That would probably be less threatening to your husband.

I don't think it's the "going out" that bothers him so much as going to the bar each month. I get together with a group of moms to scrapbook once a month-- although a few of them only drink and eat--LOL. I have gone to a bar occasionally without my hubby, but it was for a birthday or some special occasion. I used to play Bunco too-- but I think if you rotate houses or find a coffee shop-- he would be happier.

Mel

Go have (inncoenct) fun!! Sounds like you need more interaction than your husband-you are two different people, after all!! I say go(on occassion) and hawe fun. You will feel reenergized and will probably be a better Mom and wife.
And remind him that he didn't marry his MOM!!!
N.

Of course an occasional night out isn't bad! My husband doesn't love to see me leaving either. I have a group of friends that goes out about once a month. We actually call ahead and get a private room. (Not sure where you're located, but Hi-5 in Raleigh has a room you can book that doesn't cost anything extra) This takes out his stress about guys hitting on me. We all love not having to deal with people we don't know, just being able to hang out together...away from home, husbands & kids :)
I would also try to come home and snuggle up to your husband. Just so that he knows you want to be with him & then there's never a question of where you were. Guys seem to need a little more encouragement than we realize!
Maybe this could be a good compromise.

Hi Kristen
You should have no qualms about going out now and then. You sound like a very responsible mom and you sound like a social person and it should feel natural for you to want to go out. For me, it's a way to be social with my friends and connect with other people. It's not meaning to be irresponsible in any way. There's also nothing wrong with your husband and that he wants to stay home. The thing is you both have to understand each of your desires to want those different things and also to respect the decision of the other person. You are human and you have the right to feel the way you do. Let me know if you want to hang out sometime. We moved here this year and we're always looking for great people to meet. I have a 1 1/2 year little boy who is such an angel and we could meet for a playdate or something. Good luck!
Paula

i'm sorry your husband is being so controlling. i don't know a single mom who believes her life ends once she has children. its healthy to get out, and if you don't you might find yourself resenting him, which wouldn't be good. its great you invite him out and he should not worry about you flirting and stuff if he refuses to go out.
do you have date nights with your parents watching the kids?
good luck,
R.

K. I think as long as it is a night out with the gals there is nothing wrong with it. He should be understanding that you need to get out and socialize with people who you relate to. I wish I still had that luxury....living here I don't have family to watch my kids or friends to hang with for that matter....it really takes a toll on the sort of person you are if you are stuck at home 24/7.
I'm with you. I think a girl needs to get out either with the girls or her husband it doesn't matter as long as the kids are not with you.
Jen

PU-LEASE!!!! When my husband and I lived just 20 minutes from my parents, we went out probably once a month. It took us being married with a child for about a year and half before he realized I HAVE to have this in order to be sane. And now, if we were close enough to help, we'd do it as often as possible! Going out and enjoying drinks, dancing, etc. is NOT trying to act single. For me, at least, it was an opportunity to feel like an adult while the other 99% of the time I felt like a 2 year old. I mean, it happens when you are at home with one by yourself 24/7!!
So the answer is no, going out once a month, in my opinion is NOT too much. If you were going out 2-3 times a week...yeah, I'd see why he'd be concerned. But that's just my take on it!

no there is nothing wrond with still going out every once in a while. your hubby is being insecure and needs to get over it. you still need to maintain healthy female friendships...for sanity's sake if nothing else. doesn't like to go have an occasional beer with his boys...or play golf or basketball, etc...it's the same thing.

I would just let him get over it. Go out and have some fun. We mom's deserve to treat ourselves right every now and then. My husband is always supportive if I want to go out with friends, and we take turns doing so. Enjoy yourself!

It's important for you to have "me time" and it's important for you and your husband to have "us time".
Whatever your husbands mother did or didnt do is irrelevant - that was a different time and she is a different person than you.

You are a mother, and a wife...but that doesnt mean that you arent still a WOMAN. Women need to get out and socialize with friends (men too), without kids. Since you husband doesnt like that scene, go alone with your friends, but still invite him. Make sure he knows that if he wants to, he can have a night out with his friends, too. Also, try to schedule in some couples time - whether you go out or stay in, make it kid free. Since he doesnt like a bar/club scene, maybe go to dinner and a movie... like date nights. He needs to know you are a couple and you enjoy letting your hair down with him as much as with your friends...but that you also need time to hang with your friends. Maybe compromise and sometimes nix the bar scene and go out to a nice dinner with friends. You will have to come to a compromise on this iussue, otherwise he will resent you for going out.

There are definitely two sides to this coin . . . One of my best friends just divorced after almost 20 years because she wanted to go out and he didn't (she also invited him and he'd have none of it). He ultimately 'discarded' her, and she's a fine person . . .

My take on it is this: If he KNEW you were that kind of socialite before you were a 'couple' and he fell in love with you as such, then he SHOULD be OK with you retaining your fun side. On the other hand, men can start feeling quite possessive, insecure, 'left out' and threatened if they're not the type to go along (especially if you're very attractive).

I'd say that you should plan a real 'talking date' (or weekend getaway) with just the two of you (have your parents keep their little 'grand') and try to come to an agreement as to what's expected of each of you. Something like you'll give him a massage and treat him like a king one night a week if you can go out with your girlfriends once every two-four weeks (or whatever you both can agree to). Let him KNOW that HE is the ONLY man you need, but when he keeps acting so insecure and/or jealous, he becomes less and less attractive to you. Also, he didn't marry his mother. He married YOU!

Also, maybe he's thinking that interaction with a 2-yr old is 'all you need' for socializing. NOT! That's something everyone needs to get AWAY from periodically. It really DOES help you appreciate home and family more if you can go out and refresh your spirit sometimes! (I'm a 51 yr old grandma to 3, 'mom' to 4 now-adults, and 'wife' to my hubby of 32 yrs, so I know whereof I speak!)

It is not necessarily a bad thing for moms to get out every so often, but I think that you should consider the nature of your nights out. You are going out without husbands or boyfriends to places where people commonly go looking for romance. Even if nothing has ever happened, even if you think nothing ever would happen, it is not surprising that it makes your husband a little antsy, especially when you spending the night away as well. My advice would be to plan a different kind of evening with your girlfriends. For instance, pick someone's home that will be free of kids and men, bring your own drinks, have snacks, movies, games, whatever floats your boat, and invite a good sized group of girlfriends to join in. I have done this with my friends many times, and it is a blast. The important thing is getting away from the daily grind and enjoying some "you" time with people other than the kids.

may you should go home after you are done . but going outwith girl friends 1 time a month is ok

No, you shouldn't feel bad about going out with your friends. I try to get together with the girls once a month but it doesn't always work out. We usually get together for dinner/drinks and just catch up.

Of course it is not a bad thing. Moms need a life too.

Why not invite your friends over for an evening and buy "a moderate amount of quality beer" while you talk and socialize at home? That way, your husband will be reassured that that's all you're doing. It sounds by what he says that he wonders if you're out flirting with other men. Not good! Take steps to correct his wrong idea by cutting back on the evenings out, or cutting them out entirely. He is more important; his feelings should be paramount -- he's your husband, for cryin' out loud! You can also get together with a few friends in town along with him, so that he can see that you're not flirting with other men. It sounds like he is jealous and he has reason to be (even if you're not flirting -- that possibility exists, and you've done nothing to assuage his fears -- you've *said* but not *done*). You can tone down your socializing and try to increase his, so that you can meet in the middle and be together.

Could you and your husband go out with friends together instead of you going out by yourself? If you wanted to just get out by yourself away from the kids maybe you could do something like a movie then get your favorite beer and take it home. I am not a drinker or smoker so the whole bar things is not appealing to me. I am social but prefer to be social with friends or at church functions.

I'm also a SAHM and let me say this... a good mom is also a happy mom! Since you don't work outside the home, you have little adult social time and he may not fully comprehend that. Don't feel guilty but also try to explain to him why it's so important not only to you but the entire family (I know how exhausting it is to be with a 2 y.o. 24/7!!). If you were doing it every weekend, than that's cause for concern but just explain that every month or two, you need a night out to feel like "K." and not "so & so's Mom/ Wife." So enjoy the happiness you get from that night out instead of carrying that guilt. Another plus... you can teach your daughter the importance of girlfriends from an early age. I have 2 daughters (2 & 4) and have used several evenings out as teaching opportunities as to why all girls need friends! You work hard & deserve a release now and then! Keep up the hard work & God bless =)

Hi, K.,

I agree with Jenni. Every mom AND dad needs some adult time for their sanity. In the long run, it will make you a better parent.
Sounds like your husband needs to be reassured that it is just a hanging out with friends having a few drinks, enjoying the atmosphere thing. It really does not matter that his mom never did. Some people do not need it. Some people do. But, everyone needs to do what is going to give them an outlet.
Going out once a month is in no way excessive, in fact since you are a parent, it sounds just right.
Just continue to reassure your husband that it really is just an outlet and continue to invite him along.

If you stop doing the things that you enjoy, eventually NOT DOING it AT ALL will be expected of you. I know, my husband goes out with friends, but I never do, which has started some resentment in our house. whenever I do say, "I need a night away, I need a break, etc." now he says SARCASTICALLY, "yes, your life is SO bad, Dawna." I stay at home, speak in my patient voice all day, everyday, I've never stayed the night away from my boys (2 and 4 and one on the way) and now that I've not gone out in so long, he expects me not to want to. go, have fun, enjoy, blow off some steam... let him know you need it.

Simple answer, NO! We all need a break from our jobs. Being a Mom is our job and we need a break. As long as you are not going out to meet men, get drunk and drive home, or anything else that your husband would not approve of, then you have nothing to feel guilty about. It makes you a better MOM, when you can go out or go over to a friends house and blow off some steam. Do not feel guilty!

I am a FIRM believer that one of the things that makes a person the best parent they can be is to have a separate identity from their children. Did the 'old you' have to die for you to have children in your life? Of course not!! Whether it is an occassional evening out with the girls or a date with your husband, we HAVE to nurture ourselves or we won't be able to nurture our children.

Your husband is expressing his insecurities. This is his problem, not yours. I'd be empathetic and reassure him you are just the same person you were before the kids came along.

I wish you the best!!

Hi K.. I gotta tell you-I was a wild one before I married my current hubby. I have kept the going out to low moderacy (if that is even a word:)- Fortunately when I do choose to have a night out, he is happy to see me get out and have some time away from the house and the kids. He will do everything-dinner, bath, bedtime stories, the whole Shebang, if I want to go out. He actually encourages it for me because he feels that everyone needs some time away sometimes. I feel like if you want to go out and you are not giving your husband any reasons to be jealous, talk to him about it as much as you can, and give him options for the situation. Maybe if you both have a set of options and choices to make it would be easier to let you go have a lttle fun, of even make it a date.
I know I didnt really say anything helpful, but I wanted to throw my two cents worth. Best Wishes!!!

You are not a bad person if you want social contact. But maybe you need to get it in a way that won't cause conflict with your husband. Do you guys go to church? If you did, your class would do socials and the kids could go and play and you could talk with the ladies; your husband would be talking with the men, and you'd probably have a great time. If not through church, then find a cooking club, book club, gardening club, or creative club such a scrapbookers who get together to crop. Start your own group if you need to. Find a balance between your social needs and your husband's expectations.

I can imagine that you are going to get some very opininated responses! Let me begin by saying that this is my opinion; so, take it for what it is and make your own decision. My personal feeling on the subject is that it is very inappropriate for a married woman (children or not) to be hanging out in bars without her husband. You're just asking for trouble. Perhaps not all people in a bar are looking to hook up, but many are, and you don't need to be around that kind of temptation, especially with alcohol and impaired judgement involved. You may have absolutely no intention of doing anything wrong, but you're putting yourself in a compromising situation by pursuing this kind of social activity. My advice would be, since you are a social person, to try to find another couple(s) to hang out with you and your husband. Also, find fun, safer situations to socialize with your girlfriends. When we get married, things do change somewhat, and they should. It doesn't mean your social life has to end, but it does need to be altered a bit. Remember that you are no longer a single gal, and stick to more appropriate pasttimes!

For your own sanity, you NEED to get out every once in a while. If going out with friends is what you enjoy then definitely do it!

Maybe if you go out one night a month he could have one night a month to go out and do something that he enjoys?

i'm just now reading your post because my husband and I were gone to a bed & breakfast for the weekend with some friends. We left the 2 kids with the grandparents. I'm the one who'd rather stay at home and my husband is the social one in our family. He encourages me to do stuff on my own and makes group dates for us with couples at work. My on my own time I usually spend scrapbooking with my sister and my best friend. We get together of one of our houses for a few hours about twice a month. We do all our girl talk and socialize while we scrap. I like this because we're not going out to "party" or that kind of night out. What we do is very "motherly" since our scrapbooks mostly are of our kids. Twice a year we make a whole weekend of it. Maybe you could fine a hobby like this that could allow for some socializing in a way that doesn't give him the idea that your going out and "acting single".

If it is causing discord between you and your husband, making him feel uncomfortable and making you worry about it, what good is it doing far in helping you relax?

I can't say that I blame your husband for feeling uncomfortable. Many people go out to bars seperate from their spouse with perfectly good intentions, however once they get there temptation has gotten the better of many good people. He just doesn't want that to be you... He loves you! Can you find some place to go with your friends that isn't a bar?

K.,
There's nothing wrong with having an evening out with your friends! Women NEED other women in our lives. We are more social than our male counterparts and therefore need that time with others not only to talk but to give and take advice and nurture each other. You need to talk to your husband and let him know you're not going out to look for trouble. He needs to be reassured you will respect him and your marriage when he doesn't accompany you. But both of you need to come to a compromise soon. God bless!

I think it is ok to go out every once in awhile. I would not do it once a month but not saying you are bad for doing it. I would try to do more low key things that maybe he thinks moms "do" do. I play Bunco with friends once a month. We trade up houses, just girls, eat dinner and play the game. Oh, and alcohol. :o) When I go out with my girl friends, we go to dinner and maybe a movie. We have cocktails and laugh and have fun but we go home by a decent time. I think that spending the night out is what your husband might be referring to. Not putting words in his mouth but if I spent the night out, my husband may have a problem with it too. I come home by 11pm unless it is a bday or bach party and then, I tell him, I will be home by 1am. He waits up for me and then we still have out time together. I would really consider coming home each night. Long country road that you are used to driving, you should be able to do it as long as you are not drunk. I have a friend who lives WAY out in Ashland City and she used to make the drive each Sat night or she would spend the night with me. I think maybe your child should see mommy there when she wakes up. Just my opinion.

W.

An occasional night out is a requirement especially if you are a full-time house mother/wife. You should not feel guilty and this may not be something that your husband needs. However, it is something that you need. Put it to him this way, if you don't take time for yourself eventually you won't have anything to give him or your daughter. I am a full-time wife, mother of four, and employee; and still have to make time for myself with my women friends for some good conversation. Unfortunately most husbands complain about staying home with the children or about you being gone, but he should notice the difference between when you don't have that time and when you do. I'm sure he likes you better when you have taken time for yourself. Hope this helps, A.Burnette, Hillsborough, NC

Hi K.,
Yes, you deserve a night out once or even twice a month. Just because you now have a little one doesn't mean that your desire for interaction outside of your home completely disappears. Girlfriends provide a sounding board and can give great advice. They can also help you to forget any stress for an hour or two.

If your husband is not the going out type maybe you could get a sitter and plan a special night at home with JUST him. If you did that with him once a month it might help him feel better about you going out occasionally. I like the ideas about meeting at other friends' houses. It is understandable that he isn't crazy about you going to a bar, because some people are not always on their best behavior after a few drinks (I don't mean you, of course, but some of the people you might bump into there). But it is still your right as an adult to go there. Meeting somewhere else like a bowling alley, playing bunco at someone's house, etc. should help him to worry less.

Maybe you could remind your husband that even though the meeting places are different than hundreds of years ago, female desire for interaction hasn't changed an iota. Remind him that back then, the females would get together at one of the friend's homes and do needlework, eat and chat for hours at a time, often while the guys were out doing whatever it is that they were doing. And just think, there were probably some husbands that didn't want their wife joining that wild bunch of knitting women, talking about heavens knows what!

You shouldn't feel a tad bit guilty for getting your female time. I haven't had as much social time since moving here (finally just getting to really know people). I hope that will change because I need that time! I am happier for it. Don't forget that you earn it just as much as he and ask him to switch places with you for a weekend and see if he doesn't want to go out and have a beer or two after that weekend with his buddies!

Blessings

K., I see you have many responses and I don't think your request is unusual. Although it sounds like your DH is just a bit leary of you 'just going out' so what if you got involved in something, maybe a meeting at one of your friends house once a month, you all can take turns hosting... playing board games, or just chilling out and chatting and having a bite to eat. Do a movie night, bowling night.

I think that might calm your DH's thoughts. ;)

Oh, what if you take a class somewhere, at a craft shop, or you say that you are musician, I dont' know what you play but it might be fun to do something as a group...

You don't want this to be a source of bitterness between you and your DH. Resentment can cause a huge wedge between a couple.

Try to talk to him more, you may have to pry it out of him but he has some concerns, you also may be more social than he and thus 'needing' that outlet where as he doesn't.

I am in a Bunco group (dice game) and we meet once a month and take turns hosting, it is a fun social time for about 2 hours or so, I talk nonstop when I am there! LOL

There's nothing you should feel bad about. A night out every once in a while doesn't hurt anyone. I used to go through the same thing w/my ex husband. I wasn't going out to hook up w/anyone. I was going to enjoy a night out w/my friends, have a couple of drinks, & dance. We always had a great time. It wasn't something I did every weekend so that made me enjoy it more.

As long as you are responsible it's a great thing. I go out with my friends, take weekend bible retreats with the girls or just go hang out with a close friend. It is good for you. Maybe try to engage your husband into having a date night once a month. We have 3 kids and love getting a way for a few hours. It makes us better parents when we get our me time.

Hi K.,

I think you should go out...I wish I could get out more by myself...but my husband and kids always want me home...I would love to go out dancing and to be w/other adults..but my husband hates music..and dancing and drinking...I am very social and loves to dance. But I give up everything for my kids and husband...This is my mommie season. One day I will be able to enjoy myself again...I hope you enjoy your self. You deserve some time alone to do what you like...Have a beer for me...

VMitchell
Memphis...