Intimacy Advice

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He probably needs his medication type of amount changed. There are so many kinds of anti-depressants out there, there's no reason why he has to stay on this particular level of this particular type, especially considering the fact that it's causing a whole new issue for the two of you.

Trust me, I have first hand knowledge of this particular subject & I know what you're talking about. The difference for us was that my husband still did hug & kiss me, he still WANTED to be with me in his head, it just wasn't there in his pants if you will. His dr. didn't have any problem changing the type of medication and she actually wasn't surprised at all when he called to tell her the problem.

The fact that you've tried to voice your concerns, which have merit whether your husband believes you or not, & he totally blew you off means that you're right, he's not interested in making you happy. I understand that you feel guilty for wanting him to make you happy when he's the one who suffers from depression, but the truth is, EVERYONE involved in a family where one member suffers from depression, they all suffer. It might not be as much as the other person, but it's no less real.

Talk to him again, gently, outside of the bedroom, and say up front that you need him to hear you, not just listen, and you need him to make an attempt for the both of you.

Best of luck, Mama!!

First of all, don't think of those rare times you're intimate as sympathy sex, you're ruining yourself mentally. You are a beautiful, sexy, desirable woman!

Second, make YOURSELF feel sexy. This is something I've learned. If I do something nice for myself (take a bath, shave my legs, put on pretty smelling lotion, do my hair/makeup, and dress in something I feel confident in), I find that, no matter WHAT kind of funk my fiance's in, me swinging my hips through the house doing normal housework... it always catches his attention!! Sexiness comes from WITHIN... you have to convince yourself before you can convince anyone else :)

It takes some practice, and you may not get results the first few times, but TRY IT. What do you have to lose? The only rule is that you can't get disappointed if your hubby doesn't notice. The whole point is to do something to make YOURSELF feel sexy, confident, and wonderful... because YOU ARE :)

Has he been tested for testoterone levels? I can't believe how many of my husband's friends have tested low testoterone levels and are taking injections. These are all men in their thirties.

I haven't read any of the other responses. But, have you talked about this with his doctor? Maybe there is a different kind of med that he can take that will control his mood without sacrificing his interest in sex, or other physical contact.
Hope you are able to work things out.

What was the cause for the onset of depression? Loss of a loved one, job issues, boss issues??? How long has this been going on? If you attend a church generally there is help that can be gotten at no charge. Explore that option because it sounds like there are deep issues going on that you can't handle on your own. He sounds like he needs some major help. Are the meds helping him? There could be thyroid issues as well. Sending hugs to you as we are in a dry spell ourselves...It is my DH's job and the stress but I still get the hugs and kisses so there is something going on....

So he is depressed, is he doing anything else for his depression besides medication? who gave him the medication? If it was his primary dr then i suggest he goes back and asks for different medication, there are other ways to deal with depression and if you have health insurance therapy is usually covered. I know because i went for depression and I chose to not use medication but talk therapy, exercise, and diet and lifestyle change helped me with mine.
If you husband just tells you to read up on depression and thats it.. I suggest you sit down with him again and tell him that you understand he is depressed but what you are asking for are positive things that will only help his depression, a closeness with another person. If he really is lacking a sex drive tell him you just want him to do things with you, together, He can choose.. Read about depression with him and talk about it together..
If he is not willing to work on feeling better then I suggest you find a support group, in your church or community...Good luck...Stay positive =)

I can totally relate. I am not sure what hope I can really offer but this is my experience. I found talking to him has never helped. It is not a turn on for a guy to think about how he has failed you and how unmanly he is because his wife is not satisfied. There s no positive spin you can put on it. For a long time I had to focus on me. I started going to the gym, taking classes, bible studies, therapy for myself,etc. It helped some. Mostly I had to learn that love is about the other person, it s not selfish. I had to set my needs in their proper place and learn to think of him first even if he wasn't able to do the same yet. II also had to learn to accept all the ways he did try to show me love such as working, saying thank you, giving me mommy breaks...After 4 1/2 years of this I finally got him to tell me what would turn him on. I have had to become the initiator most of the time. We since decided to try for our second child and ended up pregnant with twins. I am so not in the mood anymore which stinks since things had gotten better. believe we will go thru phases but I will have to keep my mind and my heart focused. Bless you. Feel free to private message with questions.

hhow about J. doing things for him, and get him back in the spirit...start with massages...spontaneous favors at the door when he comes come......requiring he doesnt repay the favor and then get back into hugging...once u get him back in the game he should stay in the game...maybe watch some xrated stuff together...go to the strip club and get a lap dance in front of him...do something fun where he sees u in a diferent way to reawaken his lebido...maybe my advice is unconventional but i think its worth iit if it works...and could make things tons more fun!

Depression is not "personal selfishness" as one posted said below. I have suffered from depression and the last thing I felt was "selfish." What a terrible thing to say for those who have suffered from it, and a really good way to kick someone while they're down.

Also, of course we can always "take care of ourselves" but obviously you want certain things from your husband. It's only natural. I agree with the advice below on maybe getting his doses checked? I was never to the point of needing meds (my depression was weight and kids related- imagine! So I found other ways to beat it) but maybe have him return to the doctor to discuss this.

Depression is a serious issue that just goes ignored far too much. I feel terrible for you and wish I had more advice. You have every right to feel sad and frustrated.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Hi - Just a thought. My hisband got very depressed and did not want any. I read a lot about depression and tried to be understanding. Turned out he was having an affair. He was home every night at 5:30 and home all weekend. Managed to squeeze this in during the day. I've had friends tell me - if he is not doing it with you he is getting it elsewhere. I hope this is not the case for you but worth thinking about. Mine got very depressed because of the guilt and not sure about leaving a young family. I used to dream about having a boyfriend I was so lonely with him.

Good Luck!