Insecure Mom (Concerned)...

If you feel in charge of your daughter's confidence and attitude you are telling her she NEEDS Mommy to build her up and handle her self esteem, that she CAN'T do it on her own. In other words you could be creating a very insecure, dependent woman, when I think your goal is the opposite.
Read this article on the negative effects of praise. Even if you are not over using praise or falsly praising your daughter, I think she will pick up on the idea that her self worth is very precarious and Mommy needs to keep "better" children away and help her to feel good about her self.
http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/
Teach her to find her own value, Ask her questions like what do You like about your art work/story/ outfit you picked out all by yourself? What did you work Hardest on at school today (not what did you do well at?)
Dont tell her what her strengths are, question her and encourage her to figure out her own strengths. Ask her what she wants to learn and how does she think she could get better at that? Teach her what to say if a child at school says "I dont like your picture or that shirt is ugly" Teach her to shrug calmly and say "Well, I love my picture/shirt" This will shut the other child up and give your daughter the confidence to face problems! Raise a child who does not need any external feedback to feel good about herself. You've admitted you are insecure due to your child, make a plan to raise a girl who is not!

I think you want for her what you feel you did not have yourself.

Maybe... stop thinking of the world as such a competitive place - where people are "better" or "worse" than others. Think of it as a place where everyone is different and to value differences and value others strengths and weaknesses.

Also - know that NOT being the best, NOT being perfect, is a great way to build character. Children who are labeled as "smart" and "gifted" as 5 and 6 year olds often end up being lower achievers than those not labeled (and who felt they had to work hard in school) by the time they are in middle school.

I think what you are feeling is normal and something that us moms should always look out for. I felt, growing up, like I was inferior to the wealthier students who had name brand clothes and "outfits" instead of hand me downs. Even though I know its shallow, I obsess over my two year old daughter's clothing. I know I am sending the wrong values to her and what she wears should not be important. I'm trying to stop....

Thanks for this question. Its not easy to admit our own shortcomings - especially on this site where people are often more critical than constructive.

Just remember that it is GOOD for your daughter to not always be best. Dealing with disappointment now will help her be stronger later.

I think all parents (either sooner or later) really REALLY have an "A-HA!" moment about their child as far as comparisons, their strengths, their weaknesses and the fact that ALL kids have DIFFERENT strengths and weaknesses!

Encourage your daughter to be kind and to always do her best.

Am not really qualified to make any proper suggestion of books or counseling advice, but just thought of sharing what I felt, when I read your post.

You say you had a difficult childhood. No idea about the details, but I'm assuming something like this (based on how you feel about your daughter) - you had many moments when you craved for attention, or for someone to praise you, or say 'good job' to you. Apologies if this was not the case, but still, whatever happened with you, happened. You cannot go back and change it. To add to it, you are a single mom to your daughter.

So, maybe, your insecurities stem from the thought that you want to make sure your daughter grows up with a good childhood, gets all the support and encouragement that you probably didn't get/would have liked to have gotten.

I think such thoughts are perfectly OK. Every parent wants their child to have a better childhood than themselves, and try to do whatever works for that. So, maybe you just need to loosen up your anxieties a little bit.

If your daughter is not the center of attraction in a group, she still is the center of your world! If she is not the best in something, she is still a really good player, with a really good spirit. That is what counts. In fact, if she does turn out to be not the best (meaning the no.1) in things here and there, she might grow up a lot more wiser, learning that life is like that. You win some, you lose some. That doesn't make you any lesser than who you are! :) Whenever you get that negative feeling, just keep repeating to yourself that your daughter is always going to be the apple of your eye, and she is going to learn well, from whatever life and you are going to teach her.

Good luck to you and your daughter! :)

I agree with those who say some counseling is a good idea.

Also, sit down and write (or type) a list of all of the NEGATIVE consequences of making your child the center of attention.

It's been well proven that trying to boost a child's self esteem by telling them how great they are doesn't work, and actually has the opposite effect. Children know when they haven't earned a trophy, and they know when they haven't earned praise. The best thing you can do is to put your child in situation where she has to work hard, show her HOW to work hard by making her do it, and if she decides not to work hard...let her fail.

Self esteem comes from working hard, failing, working hard AGAIN, and succeeding. No other way.

And don't worry about moms who compare kids. Who cares? All kids are different. And most of them aren't all that special. Yes, unique...and special to YOU...but not all that special in the grander scheme of things.

Counseling will help. I'm reading a book called Choice Theory. The only thing you can change or control are YOUR decisions, choices, etc. What you are doing will give her a very skewed idea of how the world works and THAT is bad news.

Get yourself some counseling.

In the meantime, be aware of how you are feeling, what you are doing and how you are speaking and then try to act differently.

Counseling can help when you do the work on changing while understanding you motivation for being how you are and desiring to change. The problem here is your 4 year old isn't the center of the world and there are many of other wonderful people in her world. She won't always be the best and the brightest but that isn't why she is valuable.

Remember your daughter is learning from watching you. Some things are taught and some are caught. Be a great example of the kind of woman you want her to develop into by getting professional help. She and you are worth it.

There's nothing wrong with not liking other people to compare your child or put her down...they are out of line unless they are in a professional position to speak to you about that (exmple - teacher or doctor). You are supposed to be her biggest cheerleader, so don't feel guilty about that. If you are jealous of other kids though, that is an issue and may be more about your own insecurities. Talk to a counselor for some help with the issues you may need to work through.

I suggest counseling. These feelings are coming from deep within your unconscious. Once you reach the cause you can manage them.

Journaling might help. When you're feeling like this write down your thoughts as they flow. Don't try to make sense of them or be organized about them. Sometimes this gets you to the experiences that created the feelings.

You aren't the only one...I think EVERYONE feels this way especially with a first kid.

Just keep telling yourself...this is NOT a contest...a few years from now, NOBODY will remember whose kid walked first, whose kid talked first, whose kid rode their bike first, etc. etc.

Eventually, all kids do what they're meant to do. RELAX! Enjoy your kid while they are young. There will always be kids who are better at some things and your kids will be better than others on some other things.

You know that saying about having kids and getting to relive your childhood.

You do - from the parent's perspective. You get a chance to try and do better than your parents, and you have your childhood to draw from.

Beyond that, she's her own person and needs to experience all of life, so that you can teach her how to deal with disappointments (and successes) later in life - i.e. for the 60 or so years you can't "make" her do something.

When money is tight, it is hard to get counseling. Are you a member of a church? You could go to your minister. There is a book, "Bad Childhood, Good Life" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger that you can probably find in the library. It will help you change your approach to life, in spite of your childhood.

It may help with your daughter also, as you see what a healthy perspective on life looks like.

I applaud you for admitting that your actions need change. Remember that God gives us all different gifts and talents. If your daughter had them all, she would not need people in her life. Help her to see how nice it is to get to know other girls who have talents that she doesn't have and vice versa. Look around and see the variety of gifts and talents among your friends. It makes us a nice blend of a community.

I Corinthians 12: 12 - 31 speaks to this. If you begin to see that you have talents that are necessary to your circle of people (family, church, community, work, etc.), you can start looking around and celebrating other people's talents. Teach your daughter to do the same. Comment on how nice it was that Megan shared something or how Emily does great art work. Tell her that you wonder if she will grow up to be an artist. If you see girls gather around Sophia, you can comment on how nice she treats other girls. Comment on how nice it is to be treated well and that your daughter gets to have a friend like that.

If someone compares her, just shrug your shoulders and say, "Yes, isn't it great that everyone is different" or "That must be one of her talents." Then remind yourself what talents your daughter has or is developing. And thank God for those.

Also, remind yourself that the most important traits (humility, kindness, honesty, friendliness, charity, being happy in others' successes, etc.) aren't usually the ones that win prizes or make a person stand out, but will bring the most joy and self esteem into your daughter's life.

The fact that you realize this and now own it, is your first step.
I would look for a family therapist in your area and start there. Because of your difficult childhood, you probably have some issues to work through.
Good luck