Indecisive About Having Another

Wow, you sound like us. We have a boy and a girl, but both of us feel like we could have another. We also struggle with the sleepless nights, expense, jobs...well you know the list. We recently decieded, after much of going back and forth that if we were going to have another kid, we would try till October and if we didn't get pregnant it wasn't meant to be. After October we are going to sell all our "baby" stuff to make sure we are serious about our decision.

As far as bringing it up to your husband, ask him how he feels about another one. I would do this when the kids are in bed and you can have a one on one talk. This conversation doesn't have to be the end all of the discussion either. My hubby and I have been talking about it for at least 4 months!! We just random bring it up when we have time together to see if either of us have any new feelings or ideas.

Good luck with it...I know exactly what you are going through!!

I had a tubal after my last baby. We were 100% sure before we got pregnant with him that we would be done. He is 19 months old and I have a 'touch' of baby-fever...however I remember that we made these decisions for a reason...like you did; sleepless nights, ppd, etc. I am still glad that I had a tubal, because I know deep in my heart that I do not want another baby. I am content that I have delivered all of my 'potential' children and that the journey of raising them is in full swing! Try a different perspective and see if you still feel the same way...

~L.

Children learn so much by having siblings and, most of us older folks never worried about affording kids and it all worked out. You still have time to consider this. I'd try to learn what your husbands concerns are about this issue besides what you mentioned. Maybe he needs a little more time. I'd discuss it with him in a public place where you may be able to be less emotional - like a restaurant. I'd tell him you just want to consider this. Also, be prepared that you may not get that boy. I have 4 girls and stopped after that, but I wouldn't trade any of them for a million dollars! Learning to live in a family is one of the best lessons a child can have growing up - far more important than knowing their college is paid for or having expensive vacations or a pool. That's my perspective anyway. And sleepless nights? It's just part of being a parent!

we too have stopped after our second we know that two girls is enough and even though we would like a baby boy we decided two is enough. my husband even had a vasectomy, we both thought that would be right for us to do, even that said as we were leaving the doctors that day after his surgery i still cried bcasue it finally hit me we are done. i am fine now and we feel complete with our family. good luck

Good Morning Lara!

How absolutely blessed you and your husband are to have 2 beautiful healthy girls!! It is so hard to know what that magic number is for children in your family. When my husband and I got married we said 2 kids and that's it. Now here we are 2 more kids.. for a total of 4!

How it started with me was I just felt like someone was missing. I shared with my husband that it seemed like when we had dinner, someone was missing from the table. Like another member of our family was not with us yet. And I asked him if he ever felt that way. I think just sharing what I was feeling in my heart (without pushing the issue and making him decide right then) helped him to think about the possibility himself. Maybe you enjoy your special relationship with your girls and you would like for him to be able to have a similar one with a boy. Maybe just start talking about all the great things another child will bring to your lives, but in a way that is like "wouldn't it be neat", or "do you ever think about". Be prepared for him to give you all the financial and infant arguements... don't argue with him and just acknowledge it and say "yeah, that's true". Don't get upset when he does this!! Men want to take care of their families and they have great points. But when they share the same goal and dream, it is amazing how they can move heaven and earth to make it happen!!

If he changes his mind about another one, then you guys can start negotiating some of those practical points. Maybe try for another one once you are done with your school. Or have one sooner with the agreement that when the kids are in school that you will go back to work to help out with the finances.

Marriage is a continual negotiation!! I hope this helps and that you have a great day!!
Peace,
B.

P.S. If you have a belief in God, prayer always helps!

Hi Lara,

(My oldest daughter is named Lara!!:)

I am an only child and my husband is one of 5. We had talked and decided on 4 children before we got married, but like you, after having two we were 100% done. 2-3 years later I started wondering if we should have another. We had toyed with the whole vasectomy thing and finally decided that our kids were older and we didn't want to start over. Then my husband actually had the vasectomy. We both kind of panicked. It was so final. We decided that we would not use any protection and that if we got pregnant before his check up that it was meant to be and that is exactly what happened. My third was conceived 3 months after vasectomy and we couldn't be happier. It is so much easier this time around to because our 5 and 7 year olds are so helpful.

I know how you feel. I would just voice your thoughts to your hubby and remind him that you will NEVER regret having another child, but you could regret NOT having another.

C.

I am 27 also with two boys and one girl and yes I know what you mean. We thought we were done but are not sure. If you aren't sure you probably should have another. No matter how hard it is you will never regret your child.

I know exactly how you feel. I am the mom of 2 boys and we had decieded that we were done too! Then I started having all the same feelings as you did once my baby starting growing up and he was hitting milestones...and I thought is this really the last time for me? Then low and behold when he was 10months old I found out that I was pregnant again....right after I had just weaned him from breastfeeding. It was a total shock, but one that we are happy about now. My husband was way more receptive than I thought he would be about it. Obviously, he had no choice because I was already pregnant, but maybe your hubby won't be hard on you about it. Just talk to him, tell him your true feelings...after all he is supposed to be your partner and you should be able to confide in him no matter what you are feeling. You could also make the deal that no matter if this baby is a boy or a girl we are done at 3 :) Hope this helps.
K.

My husband and I were having the same discussion this time last year. We also have 2 kids a boy who is 6 and a girl who is 5. I think part of the reason we waited so long to think about another was because our first 2 were so close(14 months) and it was so busy for so long that we didn't even think of adding to the chaos until now. I am happy to say that we now have our third child who is a boy and he is 8wks and I am so happy that we have him. It has been a challenge going back to the "baby days" with the sleepless nights and not being able to just pack up and go and constantly breastfeeding but it is all worth it and I'm so glad we decided to have another. People have always told me that "you won't regret having another child but you may regret not having another" and I think that is very true. I know now that I am completely done and I feel like my family is complete no doubts where before I felt like something was missing and I really wanted to have another and experience pregnancy again. I really enjoyed this pregnancy and it was fun to experience it with my kids. I delivered my son 5wks early and he was in the NICU for awhile and I had a difficult C-section so we went out with a bang I tell people.=) Best of luck to you in your decision I know how hard it is to make. For me the decision to have another has truely been the best blessing.
C.

Hi Lara,

I feel the same way. I knew I always wanted 3 children and used to say MAYBE four, but after I had my last one I thought for sure I was done. Hubby made an appointment to get surgery, but he sensed that I wasn't ready and so we waited a year and now I want that fourth really bad and I sat my Hubby down to talk about it and I feel better now that we talked about it. We decided we'll start trying for another next year July so that things will be a little easier. Now I have something to look forward too!! I LOVE the infant days and breastfeeding. I don't love the last few weeks of pregnancy and labor and delivery and that big ole epidural shot, but its all worth it and forgotten when I think about the euphoria of the afterbirth. The best thing to do is to talk to your Hubby when things are quiet and just tell him exactly how you feel. I too almost started crying when my hubby at first was like WHAT! ANOTHER ONE! NO WAY! ...but I let it go for a few days and then brought it up again and he just realized how much it ment to me to have another and we agreed to start trying next year. GOOD LUCK!!

me... I was sure after two :) 8 years later had #3 :)
Then sure after that and 6 years later had #4, I think I am done :)
well we will see!!

I love having them all!!!

Good luck with this one! My best friend and I have been dealing with the same issues. We both have 2 girls, 2 years apart so they are 8,7,6,and 5 and the best of friends. Both of us, as well, had decided (with our husbands of course) that we were done having kids, our girls were perfect and we were happy. Then our youngests turned 4 and 5 we were upside down with ourselves. The feelings of wanting another were so overwhelming and they don't go away. Finally, we both talked to our husbands about it (kind of all together) and then alone obviously, and it took them awhile to get on board. We both got pregnant within 6 weeks of each other and thought we were well on our way to fulfilling that empty spot. Unfortunatly, I miscarried about 8 weeks ago and she is about 6 months pregnant right now. I swore when we miscarried that I was all done, (after 4 pregnancies and 2 children)never doing this again, and here I am, wanting to try again. I don't know what I am doing!!!!

I really wish you good luck becuase this is one of the hardest issues I have ever dealt with!

Dear Lara M.,

I have found that even while writing, emotions come into play, but writing a letter to your husband might be the least emotional way you can communicate to him your feelings about possibly having another baby.

Think it completely through before you begin writing your letter to your husband, and if the first one does not succinctly state your feelings, rip it up and begin again. Sometimes just putting your feelings on paper will in itself take care of how you feel and change your mind about what you were thinking. Give yourself permission to feel the way you feel.

I got my tubes tied at the age of 24 one day after having my second baby girl. I just knew that every baby I had would be another girl and my husband wanted so badly to have a son. I told him that he had male cousins who could carry on his last name because that was one of his main stated reasons for wanting a baby boy. I found out years later that he had had boys with other young women and never got to be a part of their lives because he was so wild as a young teenager that no grandmother to be wanted her daughter to be around him after the illegitimate baby came into the world. I would have times every now and then that I wondered if I had made the right decision years before by choosing not to have more babies. My cure was to volunteer to keep a baby overnight for a lady in the church who trusted me. If it were young enough, I would again remember why I made that decision and was once again O.K. with it. Another thing you can do when you feel you want another baby is volunteer in the baby nursery at your church and try to keep butts changed on several babies during the service and their bottles in their mouths, and passifiers in their mouths when they pop out. In the church nursery you can get plenty of baby cuddling and often that is what you really long for.

You might also call your local hospital and ask if there is a training class required and background check required for new-born nursery cuddlers. Most places require this now for security purposes and would give you the baby cuddling you really desire. They might be able to tell you when the next training class will be offered in your area at your area hospital. You might also ask if they have any other ideas to offer you to get your cuddling needs met.

L. C.