Incorporating Two Families Together....

Updated on January 27, 2011
B.B. asks from Dubuque, IA
5 answers

I am looking for some advice... First off a little history; I am single mom of one tenage son he is 14 and in eigth grade. I have been raising him by myself since I was 18. Just him and I. His dad had always been in the picture until recently when he got himself into some trouble and is now going away for awhile (20 yrs) poor choices. I have never been one of those mothers that has brought in guy after guy in around my son, don't get me wrong I have dated and had some long relationships but nothing to where we talked about marriage or moving together. I myself have never been married and I am 33.

This is my dilemma! I started dating this guy that I have known for years. He always asked me out and I said no b/c I missed judged him! He listened to me one nght and caught my attention and I decided to give him a chance. I was our biggest critic and who would of thought I would have fallen in-love w/ this man? NOT ME! He was everything that I thought he wasn't!! This is some one that I have met and I could not imagine him in my life. He is a single father of 2 kids one boy who is 14 in ninth grade and a girl who is 12 and in seventh grade. He is 4 yrs older then me and was married for only 2 years when he was in his early twenties, it was not a good marriage she left him w/ both kids in diapers and was a drug addicted and still is. He has both kids with him. They are good kids our children do know eachother and do NOT like eachother at all! My son has a few choice words for his kids as does his son, the daughter she is ok w/ my son she even has had a crush on him in the past but he was like no way. They all are into different crowds at school and my son is more popular then his and is into sports and gets to do more then his kids. His son has already been busted doing drugs and skipping school but that is all under control now. My thing is we only get to see eachother on the week-ends and I am around his children more then he is around mine b/c I allow my son to go w/ his friends on the week-ends and do school functions and I have just chosen to not always bring him around I wanted to make sure we have a stable realtionship before I incorporate my son all the time and I have not b/c I know the kids do not get along.

Over the weekend him and I were out and together and he says to me that he is afraid our kids are going to ruin our relationship? I was like only if we let them? He tells me his son has ruined a few realtionship for him and and he has told his son that he is not going to let him ruin this one for him that he has been alone raising his kids all these years and to get along w/ miy son. I have told my son that I am not asking you to be friends w/ his kids but to be respectable when you are around them and civil. I think a lot of it is they really do not know each other and it is the group of kids that they hang out with that do not like each other so right away they have formed their own opinions of one another. We both say that we think that they will get along if they just talked to one another but they do not. I get along w/ his kids great his daughter adores me, my son has no problem w/ him and lieks him. The problem is the kids but to me they are going to be gone in 4 yrs off to College and living their own lifes? I do not feel they should be allowed to sabotage this relationship b/c they will be gone. his other thing is we both own our homes but neither is big enough for all of us? He says he is not about to buy a 4 bedroom house and spend how much money for them to be gone in a few yrs. He feels that their should be no reason why they couldnt share?? Are you serious? Even if they dont leave at 18 which I am pretty sure they will I know mine will. I ask him so now what then? What do we do? Do I want for our relationship to be weekends only? he works 3rd shift I work 1st and with all the running around during the week that is why it is weekends only now. But is this what I want the next 4 yrs? NO! Also, our parenting skills are totally different. I know I need to be patient and I plan on being patient, I wonder do we jsut wait until they are older? I already waited 4 yrs before I would say yes to going out w/ him? What is another 4 before we take another step? What are your thought?

How do we incorporate these familes together?? Please help mamas!

Thanks!

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More Answers

S.L.

answers from New York on

to put it very simply (although it isnt simple ) I think you have two choices you keep dating like you are OR you buy a 4 bedroom house which he has already said NO to. For some reason (?) your boyfriend has already said No to you all living together (no you cant ask these boys to share a room for four years) if he wants to live together you have to get a house for all of you. and when kids go to college they usually come home to visit a lot so they arent really gone. If your son doesn't go to college will he be expected to leave immediately after high school?

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J.D.

answers from Dallas on

So my experience with blended families was not good and needless to say, my marriage did not last. The teen years are hard, blending families is hard...both together is really hard. My first suggestion would be to wait until they are older or at least the oldest 2 are out of the house. If you only see each other on the weekend now, that is SOOO much different from living together every day with everyones day to day stress and bad habits. If you are pretty committed to doing this sooner than later...get Family counseling and start now before you are married. You need to have someone who can help you guys navigate through the obstacles that you can not foresee and to help the kids figure out how to deal with all the new relationships.

I realize I have a bias based on my personal experience, but I can tell you I will never remarry,at least not while I still have kids under 18. Some people do it and make it work, but it is definitely a lot of really hard work getting there!!

J.P.

answers from Stockton on

Be patient - wait until your son is out of the house to college before you incorporate. That is my opinion.....

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L.M.

answers from Norfolk on

In some ways it is not as bad as it seems. In other ways, it is far worse....

1. Wait. Give it time. Most of the time kids of divorce put a parent's new significant other through Hell as a test. "I'm not going to allow you in until you've proven you're in for the long haul. (I know. I was one, and I did the same thing." The wait may not be until they're out of the house. They may grow out of whatever this is in a year or two. It's possible. You should first be willing to give time to all the people you are asking to accept major life changes.

2. Work on your relationship in the meantime. A few things strike me about your fella. (1) He said no to a house big enough for all the children you currently have so it seems obvious he doesn't want more, Are you on the same page? (2) He seems to assume that all the children will leave the nest at high school graduation and never come back home. Did you have different plans/hopes for your son? (3) Is he often not open to discussing things you have different opinions on? I would not take kindly to an edict on the size house we would get.

3. Is there any extended family that can help? The kids may appreciate the continuity of a grandparent or aunt/uncle while you two get some time together.

4. Don't resent the kids, his or yours. They didn't ask for one of their parents to suck.

Good luck to all of you.

L.M.

answers from Dover on

How long have you been dating this guy? If not long, give it some time as is first. Have a few outings w/ the kids together doing things kids would enjoy. Keep in mind that if all three kids were biological siblings they too may not like each other and hang w/ different crowds (only difference is they would have been together since birth and would have a bond already).

If you decide to give it a go as one family unit, why not rent a bigger place while the kids are still home....rent both of your homes out too. Then when the kids are gone, you can move back into your smaller home or get a new place of your own (you will have surely saved some money by combining homes). If you do that, you may need to meet in the middle on some of your typical parenting rules.

It is reasonable to have the boys share a room IF there was enough room and they got along at least a little bit but as is that is asking too much.

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