In Need of a Shoulder to Cry On

No one can tell you if you made the right choice. I can tell you is if they did an amnio and your baby was trisome then there was no chance of survival. I can also tell you that if I were in your shoes I'd have done the same thing. My friend had a trisome girl, it lived for 45 minutes and was horribly deformed. All of it's functions started shutting down one after the other- if you ask me- even for 45 minutes- that's not much of a way to live.

thats a personal choice and every one has different beliefs. i dont believe in abortion no matter what but thats just me. im so sorry for your loss

Try not to focus on the "should I have?" part of the whole situation. You just suffered a terrible loss. Let yourself be sad about it and mourn for your baby. Keep in mind though that part of our mourning process is "what ifs" and placing blame. It's natural to feel the way you feel, but try to remind yourself that it's natural to have those feelings. If you dwell on the actual decision of terminating the pregnancy, you will prolong your own healing and the healing of your family. After all, mothers are the center of the family, the ones who hold it all together. Your decision is not something you can go back on. The decision was what was right for you and your husband. There's nothing wrong with that. You have to do what's best for you, and there's no right and wrong answer for circumstances like this. Let yourself heal and let go of the "what if's". Just be thankful that with our medical technology, we're able to detect things like this and keep moving forward by being thankful for your daughter and the fact that you're still able to have more children if you choose to do so. I hope you find peace soon with this. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

A.,
I am not sure what Trisomey 18 is but I am sure that you did the best choice that was possible at the time.

I have 5 children and my youngest was just diagnosed with diabetes so I know that it is a very hard thing to have child who is very sick suffer..

Let God be your safe net and know that you have a wonderful gift from him a little angel in heaven watching over your family...Every thing happens for a reason.... just put your trust in God's hands...

Hi A.,

I too had to research what trisomey 18 was. After doing some research, I would have done the same thing as you. I believe it would be harder to loose your child shortly after birth then in the womb at 20 weeks. God Bless You! I hate that you have lost your child. Benjamin is in a great place now. Here is a great website for Tisomey 18 parents, freinds,and family that I found tonight if you haven't already found this site yet. http://www.trisomy18.org/site/PageServer

God Bless,

A.

A.,
I can't imagine how difficult that choice must have been for you. I am involved with another group online and one of the mothers lost her daughter to trisomy 18. I have no idea which would be worse, to terminate early or to have the grief of giving birth and losing the baby that way. The only one that would know that is you. You made the best decision for you and your family. I have no experience with this sort of thing, but if you would like to chat please feel free to contact me. My thoughts are with you and your family.
Shaun

A.
As a parent I know you have made a hard choice. but you was able to carry you lil boy. now god holds him and loves him for you. don't look back. know that he is happy and safe and loved just as you loved anuff to let go so gods loves you anuff to help you heal and to hold your son and love him to. i pray that god will take your family in his arms and hold you all close to his hart.

I have no idea what you have gone through and hope I never have to. I cried when I read your message. I had to look up what T18 even was. I think you made a very love-filled decision for your baby who, from the sounds of it, had absolutely no chance at all at a life, let alone a long, fulfilling. I'm sure you made the right decision and am convinced I would do the same. I hope you can find comfort in the support of people around you and in time, try again for the child you wanted.
Don't spend your life second-guessing yourself. I think you made the only good choice there was in a terrible situation.

A.~
Whether or not you made the right choice is completelly up to you. But, if it is any comfort, I would like to believe that I would have made the same choice that you did. Saying goodbye has to be hard at any time and I believe that you were blessed with an angel from Heaven. You did NOT have an abortion, you let your little boy go home a little early is all. You cannot keep second-guessing yourself. Would you have felt less grief if you had carried him longer and then still had to let him go? Hold tight to your little girl and keep getting up every day, even if it's hard. You know, I believe that we Moms are given each of our children for a specific reason. You were given Benjamin because you could love him best during the time that you carried him under your heart. My heart hurts for you A.. God Bless you and your family will be in my prayers.

I checked out the website one of the other mom's put the link up for, the Trisomy 18 Foundation, and have read through a lot of stories and seen a lot of pictures and cried some. The pain you are feeling is, I can only imagine, the worst anyone could go through.

I did notice in just about all the stories I read, many of the babies died within just a few days of birth, some a couple of months, and a lot were delivered just as your Benjamin. I cried thinking about how hard it must of been for the parents of these babies to deal with the heartache, and can only say I really think, not ever having been in your shoes, but in thinking about it, I would have made the same decision as you. I wouldn't have wanted my baby to suffer.

You are a very brave woman A., I admire you. Second guessing yourself now can't bring Benjamin back. Regret is very powerful and can sabotage an already very tender, emotional and hormonally imbalanced psyche. What you did was a selfless act, that you loved your baby so much you didn't want to see him live for a day in pain or discomfort. You followed your heart and I commend you for that. I think in time you will come to a place where you are at peace with your decision.

I wish you all the best and hope you know that you have entire website of women who will gladly give you a shoulder to cry on whenever you may need one!

Trust in your heart, you did what was best in your given situation.

Good or Bad, I will pray that you have the strength to get through this. You and your whole family are in my prayers.

A.,

I went out to the internet to try to understand what trisomey 18 is. What I read is that the extra chromosome causes sever defects and that most of the children don't live past a year old.

So I think you did the best for you and your family. Especially if you had the discussions. Because as mother's we want the best for our children. And we don't want them to suffer. At least the doctors could tell you early enough in the pregancy that your baby was this way But any mother that looses a baby for what ever reason is going to be sad. But remember, you have the rest of your family too. So by leaning on each other you can try to give each other strength to get through this time. But know that he will always be someone special in your life. And even though he didn't make it he is still a part of your family.

I wish you all the best and I am sorry for your loss. You will be in my thoughts and my prayers.

K.

I am so sorry for your loss. You made the decision that felt right for you and your family, that is all that matters. Don't beat yourself up over it. I am an over 40 mom who suffered 2 late miscarriages probably due to genetic defects. I understand exactly how you feel. If you need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to contact me.

I know what it feels like to lose a child. On Christmas Day 2 1/2 years ago we lost one of our twin sons during delivery because of a cord accident. (They were 36 weeks and over 5 lbs each.) At the time, our oldest was 18 months old. It was so hard for him to understand what had happened, and it still is. He still asks why his one brother is staying in Heaven. We are tremendously grateful for the twin son who survived, as well as for our older one. I think you made the loving choice for your daughter. You made the terrible burden fall on the shoulders of an adult, rather than making her live with the confusion, pain and sadness that would inevitably come from a sibling who has Trisomy 18. It has to be an awful burden for you. I'd suggest getting in touch with NeoFight, an Indianapolis area group for parents who have lost babies. The NICU nurses we worked with highly recommended them. They are at www.neofight.org. Remember, the decision was essentially out of your hands already. He was not going to get better. I still have boughts of guilt about decision I made in the last week of my pregnancy with the twins, wondering if I could have changed the outcome. I hope you eventually reach a level of peace with your decision. You did the best you could and no one can know what it's like to live in your shoes. Just continue to get out of bed for your daughter. Eventually the pain of the loss just becomes part of you. For me, that took 2 years -- and there are still hard moments and even hard days. Let yourself feel the pain. It's the only way you can come out the other side.

A., I know what you are going through. I delivered my little girl-stillborn at 32 weeks. It was a very hard 6 months after that. I think you are just still so soon after loosing him to even begin to think about normal. My older daughter 2 at the time also kept me going...and my husband...although it was a very rough time in our marriage. People say lots of stupid things or they don't acknowledge the baby at all. So difficult. Of course, You made the right choice..based on the information given to you by the doctors and by the thoughts of your husband and yourself. You only question it, because you are desparete for more time with your son. Very understandable. I promise it does get easier over time, but it is too soon to feel "normal" again. As the years pass, you will find rituals to celebrate your son with your daughter and she will very proudly talk about her brother in heaven! Big hug to you!

Hey, I will not even pretend that I have any idea of they pain you and your family are going through right now. But I just want you to know that I am praying for you and no matter what choices you made I hope you know that God was with you then and he is with you now. Your boy is happy at rest with Him now and I hope you can take comfort in that. You know you will be together again. Everything happens for a reason. As hard as that is to believe when your heart is breaking. I had a good friend since childhood who lost a little girl last year. Not long after her little girl went to Heaven she found out that she was again pregnant. This child lived and is a healthy and very outgoing little girl. And while my friend will never forget the little girl who only came into this world for a few short hours she has learned to relish every moment she has with her second child because she knows how lucky she is to have her. I have a girl who is 4 and a baby boy who just turned 2. My heart aches for you. I truely will remember you in my prayers.

i am so sorry for your loss. you made one of the hardest decisions any parent should have to make...but your choice was from love and not wanting Benjamin to suffer his last few days of life. You are a wonderful caring mother who needs to grieve over your loss....again i am truly sorry for your loss.

i'm very sorry you had to make such a heart wrenching decision. I am also very sorry for your loss. you did what felt right for your family. that's all that matters. take comfort in knowing that your little one is with the Lord in Heaven, smiling down at you. he knows you love him and now he will never have to be sick or feel any pain. God bless you and your family.

I can't really answer if you made the right desicion. My mother had to say goodbye to my brother. He had something else but they told him he wouldn't make it and if he were to he would be in a wheelchair and slowly be dying a painful death. I know they made the same desicion. My mom had a hard time dealing with it and still does to this day 10 yrs later. She tells me that God wanted him more than her and she will see him one day. I can't even dream of having to go through something like that even at 23. If there is anything that I could do please let me know. I know that we don't know each other but if you need a friend and live in Fort wayne. I am a 25 yr old stay at home mom of a 1 1/2 yr old and don't have many friends.