In laws....HELP

It sounds like you and your husband need to get on the same page.

First, if he gets a text invite, he needs to tell you that same day so you can discuss it. My husband and I have a linked Google Calendar. We can each see what the other adds to it. Super handy.

Second, he needs to address the last-minute invites with his family members by saying that if they really want you all to be able to attend, they need to ask in advance, not the day-of. If they get offended, that is their choice and it should not be allowed to impact your household.

omg. i'd be losing my mind...

don't wait for hubby to let you know he got a text, first off. if family ties are important and you want to make this work, contact them yourself. it would be great if men would take on 50% of the planning and contacting for holidays - it normally doesn't work that way. it really doesn't, if the two of you don't communicate. you sound very sweet but quit letting him run this part. take over. ask a few weeks ahead of time if they plan to do something. it sounds chaotic and stressful, which is not what the holidays should be about (despite popular belief). good luck!

Welcome to mamapedia!!!

Your post is confusing to me. There is a lot going on...

I don't get why family members would ONLY text your husband about family events. You are part of the family too. I would talk with my husband and tell him he needs to start forwarding those texts to me as well so I can put them on the calendar. That will cut down on SOME of the angst.

Start a schedule. Simple as that.
Thanksgiving one year with one side. Then the next with the other side.
Christmas day one year with one side. Christmas eve with the other.
And keep alternating holidays. I don't know where your family fits in with all of this. But if you live close enough - alternating is the best bet. Then you don't have to worry about where you "have" to be.

Stop being their doormat. Stand up for yourselves and stop allowing them to dictate to you guys where you need to be. Family IS important. However, you can't keep allowing others to make you feel guilty for things.

I disagree that you should take over contacting your husband's family. They are his family and his responsibility. If he doesn't put any effort into staying in touch with them (when clearly you do what you can) that is not your problem. Tell his family if they contact him you are not responsible for his failure to respond. He's a grown up and so are they. Then realize that you cannot please everybody. It simply is not possible. You, your spouse and your children are a family. Focus on that family and that family's holiday needs. If you like traveling around visiting everyone great! Do it up! If you hate it. Stop. Have dinner at your house invite everyone let them decide. The key is deciding what is best for you and your kids and letting yourself not be responsible for other people's feelings. You cannot control what they feel. You can control how you respond.

Talk to them a little bit more in advance and let them all know of what your plans are. Let them know when you are available and if they are planning something,they need to let you know by X day or you will be busy with other plans. Find some sort of compromise that you all can live with. But you shouldn't have to travel to 3 dinners on one night. Can they come to you sometimes? Good luck--- I know its hard. One thing that helps me is to remember that you can't please everyone. There will always be someone that is unhappy. Do what works best for YOUR family. Forget the rest.

I agree that you're going to have to set a schedule. You will probably also need to talk with each member of each family and say hey, because we have to many places to be (and not to mention 4 kids) we really need advance notice on when and where your holiday celebrations are going to be.

Be upfront and tell them you will be splitting holidays each year. I think it's unrealistic to go 4-5 different houses on each holiday. If people are open to it, you could suggest doing the holiday on a different day, for instance doing Thanksgiving with a certain family on Saturday instead of on Thursday b/c you'll be with other families, etc.

I would suggest talking with your husband first and figuring out exactly what you two will be happy with and go from there. You shouldn't feel bad about not being able to see everyone but you need to be proactive about it!

You and hubby need to get on same page about committments. Ask him to be sure to let you know when invites are received so you can both figure it out.

Let all parties know that you have x number of places to visit and can't do it all in one day. Could you host and invite everyone (either on that actual holiday or the weekend before or after)?

Be upfront with your plans.

Jill K. is right. Your husband's family is accustomed to last minute invites - so he thinks it's okay to tell you last minute that there's something going on. You come from a family that plans things out in advance, and you like to do things that way. And everyone has multiple families with second spouses, so that brings more traditions and habits into play.

You cannot spend every holiday with everyone - that means they all get to see you, and you are in the car traveling and checking your watch. You cannot keep everyone happy. Your 4 children will resent you for dragging them all over to just put in an appearance at one house before heading for the car to go to another one. You'll insult one family by not eating their meal, or you'll eat and then insult the next one by arriving already fed and stuffed!

So, you and your husband need to sit down and work out a strategy. Take the next 3 holidays and decide where to spend them: your own house (and invite those you want to), mom's, dad's, or in-laws. AS SOON AS you decide, then issue invitations. And AS SOON AS your husband gets a text, he needs to tell you and he needs to text back that he's grateful for the invitation and he's talking to you to see what all the families are doing. Last minute texts? He says thank you but so sorry, we already made plans.

You deserve to have some enjoyable holidays, and your children deserve some stability as well as the chance to really spend some quality time with each branch of the family.

It sounds like there is two problems: When they text, your hubby isn't letting you know right away. And, you don't know what their plans are until the last minute.

Yeah, Sis' dad should have called sooner. But he didn't. And if this is the trend, then some other method for figuring out what is going on will need to be used.

For the first problem, hubs not telling you about texts, simply tell hubs, "Hey, Hubs, let me know when the fam texts so I can put it on the calendar."

For the second, instead of waiting for them to call you, call them. A couple of weeks prior to the holiday. Let them know that you are trying to get your calendar in order so you guys can visit everyone and need to know what the plans are for gatherings and what to bring.

Making these calls will ensure that everyone knows what is going on. The fact is, you can't make everyone happy...someone is always going to feel slighted. But you can do your best to communicate and plan openly so their expectations aren't over the top.

It sounds to me like you and DH need a better method of communicating family functions. You can also send an email to all the family saying, "The holidays are coming up and we have plans on x day. We would love to see you, though, so what other day works for your family?" Turn it around if this keeps happening. Run your own schedule vs waiting for everyone else to get it together and if it doesn't work out, at least you tried. If the sister calls ON Thanksgiving for an invite, then she's the one that waited too long and needs only to be upset with herself and lack of prior notice. If the sister is upset that her dad (his stepfather, right?) isn't getting any attention, then that is something you should think about. What is his relationship with his stepdad? I have raised my sks for more than 10 years. I would be upset if I didn't get any consideration because I'm not their bioparent and DD might give her brother and sister grief if they consistently blew me/us off.

One way to get around this is to also not be so focused on THE day. You can have dinner any day. We do "IL Christmas" on a day that is more convenient to all and then we also see my aunt ON Christmas. It works out well for all involved.

I think more planning and more communication will help with the hurt feelings and people will be able to really enjoy the holidays without watching the clock. We go ONE place each holiday and it is so much nicer than running around.

Sounds like you need a big calendar on the frig for both of you to write down your plans or POSSIBLE plans. Remind him every day that if he has any invitations that he needs to write them down, including any texts from his phone.

Your husband is not being fair to ANYONE by not telling you about invitations. You also need to make it perfectly clear to him how lucky he is to have SOMEONE in the family who helps with the children. And if he chooses to diss her in favor of a last minute invitation, HE has to call her on the phone and TELL her himself. That may be how you get him to stop throwing you under the bus.

You shouldn't have to bear this burden alone. Don't let him make you.

Dawn

It seems like a lot of not communicating from your husband's end to you and also too much for one holiday. Take turns going to homes and do one side one year or one person one year or go to one on the eve of the event and one on the day but you have too much going on for one day. None of it will be quality time with anyone like that. You need to make a plan together and tell the families that you are doing this in the future so you can spend more time with each one and not be so worn out and torn. We had to do that with our families and we only had married parents on two sides and with the kids it was just too much for all involved.