In Laws - Not My Values

Hi K.,

I was in a similar situation with my exhusband's family. Not only did they drink a lot, but they also smoked and though they knew not to smoke around my babies (and blatently made jokes about how they couldn't do anything around my kids), it killed me that they wanted to hold them. I had to ask them, repeatedly to wash their hands, which they didn't do very often, if they wanted to touch my babies. They were offended a lot, but it got to the point that I didn't care anymore. My ex didn't help much either, so I felt I had to stand up for my babies. I would do it all over again. People can drink and smoke all they want, but when it comes to my kids, my rules come first. If they don't like it, that will be their problem, my kids are still going to be safe in my care!!

Best of luck to you and your baby!!!

You said you talked to your boy friend but what does he say about it. I wouldn't be comfortable either. You need to make sure you are doing what is best for your child and this doesn't look good. If you are offended by them I would have your boyfriend speak to his parents.

You are doing the right thing.Huggs to you honey.Your priorites are on the right track.God love you and your baby girl.The problem is not alcohol, but the behavior is.I would not let you being a mother, and wanting what is best for your daughter get in the way of doing what you need to do.What would happen if they were to mishandle and pass her back and forth.If I were you, I would say,"I understand you want to hold her, but I think it is better if she is with me".You may get the looks, but ya know what it doesnt matter.Who in the world would say,"Retarded"? I mean babies are beautiful, and that was wrong!Bickering bickering bickering......I dont handle that very well at all.This behavior is not welcomed in my home, and if I go somewhere where it is allowed, I will leave.I could go on and on, but I will leave it at that, and I commend you for sticking up for yourself....and your baby....you b friend needs to stick up for you as well....

I agree that above anything else you are her mother. It is your job to protect your daughter. Think of her best interests, as she cannot defend herself now, and go with that. Who cares what they think? Your baby and your life with raising her in a healthy environment is more important. What if one of those drunks ended up dropping her? I wouldn't let any of them hold her and wouldn't care if they got offended.

I had problems with my hubby's aunts and their unwanted comments until I put them in their place. I actually had to stay awhile for awhile and it's a healthy relationship now. You said your inlaws are alcoholics and addicts only think of themselves and do not consider anyone else other than their addiction. I wish you the best and hope you can look into the face of your angel baby and forget all about anxieties when you know that she's more important than their ignorant comments and drunken behavior.

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with such stinkiness.

I have told my SO that if, at any point his family says anything that is hurtful or mean to our children- they will not be allowed to see them for an undisclosed period of time, period. He know I mean this, and agrees. (they have said mean things to him and indirectly to me in the past)

You have your own family now, you may want to start your own family traditions, which may mean, without them unless they can shape up...

It would be good if your boyfriend talked to his family about their language and comments... not by putting it that it upsets you, but that you both find it inappropriate and it needs to stop, or you all will not be able to make many appearances.

Hugs mama, this sounds like a lot to deal with. :(

It seems like it's not the alcohol itself that's the problem, it's the personalities of these people. As you said, you had a dry gathering and they were still jerks. And lots of families, like my DH's for example, do quite a bit of drinking at gathering and still remain nice respectful people. I think it's important to look at what the real problem is, kwim?

You can't control what they do, but you can control how much access to your baby you allow them. Give them a warning that you will not allow disrecpectful or abusive things to be said to your child, and the next time it happens, just get up and walk out. I know it sounds hard to put your foot down like that, but you can do it; you're the mama!

Also you absolutely do not have to play "pass the baby"; whether people are drunk or acting jerky. It's your right to decide who gets to hold her and when.

Hi K.

It sounds like you are doing a great job! You're in a tough spot and it's not comfortable. As a mom you will find yourself in plenty of those. Just know that you do not need to answer to anyone about your child. You have the right to make decisions that you feel are in the best interest of your child. Sometimes that will mean digging your heals in and insisting that it is your way or no way.

I agree with others that said it sounds like the biggest problem is behavior, not drinking. Though poor behavior is often intensified with drinking. I experience a bit of discomfort at times with my father-in-law's family in terms of the language and such. And it's not even close to what it sounds like you're dealing with. In my case they are using vocabulary that we don't like, but they are not intending to be unkind. They like to talk about poop a lot and like to tease. Honestly I just don't think the intellegence and maturity level is that high in some of the adults. My children are 21 months and just 3 years and are not exposed to much of what they hear anywhere but there. One some level it is good though. It opens an opportunity to talk about how families are different and can make choices about what is good for one isn't right for another. We help them to know when they repeat a word that we feel is not appropriate and gently explain that the word might hurt someone's feelings and it's just not nice. I know at 7 weeks she's not quite ready for that.

You can start setting the path by simply insisting upon certain things. If there is a group sitting and talking at the table about things you feel are inappropriate, it is reasonable to excuse yourself and find another spot where you can protect your daughter from the bickering or inappropriate language. You can also insist others do not hold her until they wash their hands and that they do not smoke while holding her. It's tough to set limits with drinking. A drink or two alone isn't going to impair their ability to be safe and is perfectly reasonable at a gathering. 5 or 6 drinks and hardly being able to stand up themselves makes them holding the baby or making reasonable decisions pretty difficult and it's certainly appropriate to refuse them. It's also fair to refuse anyone with an illness. I did this with my f-i-l family when my son was new - first time they saw him. No one was happy, but some of them were sick. He had some medical issues himself and he was still in that newborn phase when they will do a spinal tap if they spike even a low temp - just wasn't going to chance it. For that night, they could see him only. They got over it and my son remained healthy.

Wow I can totally relate. My husband's family is total party animals. Fun but sometimes out of control and out spoken. I have worried a lot too. How do I handle it and how did I handle it? Well, it's not easy and you really need to stand your ground. It is really great that your boyfriend is supportive; he is a key player in making everyone understand how you feel. You have to remember that you are the mom. If someone is drinking and you don't feel comfortable them holding the baby be polite and simply say exactly how you feel even though it might be hard. You could say "Maybe not tonight, but if you would like to come over to our place and hold the baby I would love that". Try to invite his parents and family over to your place to enjoy the baby where you can control the environment a little more. If someone is talking in a tone of voice that you don't agree with or if name calling occurs you simply have to speak your mind honey. "Please can you keep it down" or "Can you please not say those types of words around our daughter". If you feel uncomfortable with saying this have your boyfriend say it for you. My next advice is that try to have your boyfriend talk to his parents about their behavior. Be trueful, kind, and polite. Explain how you would like to raise your daughter and ask for their support. This is what I had to do and sometimes I still have to remind them when we are all together. "Hey can you please not speak in that tone of voice around our son". Another super idea that I almost forgot to mention is that we started a "Bad Mouth Jar". Every time someone says something inappropriate they owe a dollar to the jar. We said that it will be used for our son's college savings. It is great practice for when he can actually pick up what others are saying.

Try to be as tactful as you can be. I had to limit and decline offers made to go over to the in laws. 7 weeks is not starting too early, my son is only 9 months and I starting these conversations around the same time you did and we still have these conversations.

PS,
Remember that "Single" moms can provied a happy loving home for their child. Sometimes things happen and I would never call a child a mistake. Just because you are not married does not mean anything. Yes, it always better and ideal but sometimes that just doesn't happen. I can't believe someone try to give you a hard time about that. Also, the person who made the comment about "You are the MOM" She is so so so very right and she really gave great advice. Your sole job is to protect and provide your daughter with a happy, loving and healthly enviroment. If you don't get that at your boyfriends family's house and talking doesn't work than you really do have to limit the visits.