In Laws!! - Plymouth,WI

Stock up on mac-n-cheese and keep hot-dogs in the freezer for for when they visit!

Wow, my IL's are SO WONDERFUL by comparison!

Seriously, this is your husband's responsibility. Tell him your concerns and then just smile and wait. If your kids are like-to-starve and no one has offered to feed them, take them aside and feed them privately. Just don't offer anything to the leeches, and if your DH wants to, he can do the cooking too.

At a restaurant, make sure you request separate checks before ordering. No confrontation necessary - the waiter will give them their own bill.

Try to feel sorry for them - they don't seem to have a clue. Accept that they won't change, vent when necessary, and keep your sense of humor! Good luck!

editing to add: It is NOT unethical to refuse to be taken advantage of. You are not required to feed uninvited guests. I believe Miss Manners would say you don't need to correct their poor manners, but you can with perfect politeness let them know your limits.

when you go out to a mixed family meal like that, be up front with the waitress about who you are paying for...like me and him are together and then include these two children on our bill too. Paying for 3 extra adults would be very expensive!!

I guess if i knew they were coming over a day before a major party, i would buy extra food (something inexpensive, like frozen pizzas ect) that way you know ahead of time what you will serve them and save the extra expense of buying lunch out.

they sound clueless and rude.

WOW!! I think my mouth dropped and stayed open the whole time I read your message. Sometimes I think my in-laws (well, mostly my mother-in-law) are bad, but you have one up on me. Are you going to their house in 2 weeks? I guess I wouldn't do much to help her out if you were and if you go out to eat, order the most expensive thing (lol). It is hard especially when you have kids - it's not like you can't go and see them. Would it help if your husband would say something to them? Next time you offer to go out to eat, tell the waitress you would like seperate checks and don't go grocery shopping before they come. I know it is easier said than done. Good luck!!!

My advice would be that when you go out to dinner with them, make sure you tell the waitress at the beginning that it will be separate checks. Don't even give them a chance to throw it all into one bill. That way they get the hint that you aren't paying for all of them and you don't even have to tell them. Or do what others suggested. Stock up on hot dogs and macaroni & cheese!

Can I relate! My husband's family is Kennedy-huge (like 20+) rough and tumble men/boys and their wives and kids. My FIL alone can eat us under the table. (Once I made a whole chicken for DH, FIL and myself. Before hubby and I got any chick, FIL ate the whole thing, no joke!) I had to learn the hard way on how to handle food and entertaining this crowd. Especially since they're very "impromptu" and like to come unexpectedly for visits--the whole pack of `em. My husband's parents are divorced. Heaven help us when his mom shows up with her equally large second family. Whether we invite these relatives or not, they ALL expect to be fed because this is the way things are done in the family, and always have been done this way, both immediate and extended. In short, when they come its tantamount to a Tsunami and if you don't hang-on its overwhelming.

I have to agree with Katie B. First and foremost, avoid the temptation to "invite" the family out to a restaurant. They will automatically think you are treating, since they are guests. I think family often forget you have grown up and since raised your own family that has its own life. Because they are blood related, they get a sense of self-entitlement. I think this attitude of self-entitlement is intensified if the relatives are coming from out of town. I never invite anyone out, unless long before we're out the door it is made clear at the time it is suggested that everyone pays or someone volunteers to pick up the tab.

Since I get visitors alot, I just my freezer full of things to dish up fast for unexpected guests. I buy family packs of chicken wings and drummies. These thaw and grill up fast, and you can get alot of them cheap. Frozen crock-pot meals are great for filling up big crowds on the cheap and without fuss. Sandwich fixings are good too as mentioned in another post. You can't go wrong with a huge pot of spaghetti and red sauce. It's fast easy and cheap too.

If I do get a heads up people are coming, I'll ask them to bring something for a "potluck" dinner. Even if they're from out of town, I'll ask them to pick something up to help add to the meal. Be specific, because they'll try to get off cheap by bringing a loaf of bread or something small. Tell them to bring a rotisserie chicken, or a bag of shrimp and cocktail sauce or a box of frozen appetizers etc. You get the idea.

I love the idea of serving their favorite meal "hot dogs and macaroni" I never laughed so hard in my life! Those keep well on the shelf and in the freezer too. :)

One thing that did cross my mind as I read about your DH's family, if things are that tough financially for them, they may be truly starving. Maybe they spent all they had to get to visit you. Do try to be charitable. You may be the best meal they have while visiting, or at all. I think I'd go nuts if I had to eat mac and dogs all the time. Maybe that's all they live on.

Roberts, I do so feel for you! It sounds as if your in-laws can no longer remember what it was like to be raising little kids and how tight our budgets are. If it's any consolation, my in-laws are the same way. . . . I'm wondering. Do you think there is a cultural issue here as well? The reason I ask is that in the culture in which I was raised, it's customary for the hostess to provide food for any guests who come from out of town. That means, all food in the home or at restaurants. Guests can offer to pay if they wish but it's not polite for the hostess to accept it. In your case, I'm sorry that they dont' make it comfortable for you to be able to honestly tell them that you love visiting with them but you don't have the budget to be able to feed them they way they are use to eating. We were invited to attend a niece's 13th birthday dinner at Red Lobster, a restaurant of her choice. I was shocked when the bill came and then it was passed around so that we could calculate how much we owed. I know it's because we were never told that it was "dutch treat" but the SIL/BIL came from a part of the country where it was automatically assumed that everyone paid for their own while in the cultures I was more accustomed to, whoever invites has to pay unless it's discussed ahead of time. My husband had to soothe my hurt feelings by trying to explain this to me. And by the way, yes you need to vent. It is your husband's place to be the mediator with the in-laws. My husband has difficulty doing the same thing and since i'm a direct person, I have no qualms being rather blunt. I'm considered rude because I'm direct. My husband believes it's a cultural, economic and social clash between his parents and myself.

Thankfully my Inlaws are great so any advice I give are just suggestions and it may or may not work.

Regarding going out to eat, I would not 'invite' them, because then technically is an invite that you will pay. I would say something like 'we are going out to eat for lunch, if you want to come you may but we have a tight budget so we can only pay for ourselves.' I know it may be unethical but at least they know if they come with you they have to pay for themselves. Also when at the eating place tell them there will be two checks... or if at McD's or the like have order first so you have say as who you are paying for.

I would have sandwich fixings on hand when they come... that way you can offer sandwiches, which are easy on the budget. If they don't want sandwiches then they have to go out on their own and get their own meal. Maybe they will invite you and then they pay.

In our family we take turns paying. So you paid first time they pay the second time and so on. For us this has taken away the case of figuring out the bill, who got what, who paid what and so on. Plus whoever is paying picks the place, that way you you have a little control on the bill (of how much food cost).

If all else fails say 'we are having mac and Cheese and hot dogs since I know you like them so much.' If they always serve it to you then what is wrong with you serving it to them, they must like it.

I know that the above is not all ethical and some would say take the high road but this is your budget, and that is your say what you do with it.

WOW....I don't have any advice...mine was to have your husband confront them, but if it doesn't work..that's out the window.

I just can't believe they didn't even offer to pay for thier own meal! To me that's just polite, ask what you owe and if you're told nothing, then do nothing...otherwise you should ask...that's my opinion anyway.

If they were staying in a hotel, they should have planned on Saturday's food themselves....the party was Sunday and I'm assuming that's what the invite was for..not the whole weekend. Any time before the invite, should have been on their own penny. --again just my opinion..but that's probably yours too.

honestly....I know that confrontation doesnt work but tell them if they are coming to visit, its BYOF (bring your own food) you will cover meals for your immediate family but you cannot afford to feed them. and if that doesnt work, your hubby needs to put his foot down. and say that if they continue to be petty they need to stay home. i know its harsh but sometimes it needs to be done

I feel your pain on paying for more people at a restaurant than you had planned--been there, done that. And I think it's awful that they bought ice cream, but never offered to buy you any. They sound selfish and sort of clueless.

However, it sounds like they are from out of town (you mentioned they stayed at a hotel), and I feel that out of town guests should have (at least some of) their meals provided for. That does NOT mean a $100 restaurant tab, though.

The next time they are in town, stock up on frozen pizzas or something else that is just heat and serve. Or ask them to swing by the grocery store and pick up a rotisserie chicken on the way to your house. Or avoid them at meal times--have them come over after the dinner hour.

You can't change them. ;-)