In Law Issues - USAF Academy,CO

When they say they want to visit, tell them that you will come to THEM instead. And then do it.

I would NEVER take them to a friend's house again. Ever.

So sorry,
Dawn

House guests and fish stink after three days. Keep visits short, have extended visits coupled with a hotel stay, or advise that if they will be staying at your house, they will have to abide by your house rules including cleaning up after themselves, eating and drinking at the table only, and being careful about your stuff.

You can use the kids as an excuse and say that it is important for them to model the best behavior because the kids love them and want to imitate them.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

If houseguests, even parents, don't respect you or your home, I wouldn't be extending any further invitations for them to stay. Sometimes the best interest of the family is to have them stay at a hotel.

I think your husband needs to step up here and take on his parents. Why are you the one who always has to protect the home and its furnishings?

Then you need to "in law proof" your home - like childproofing - and take away anything special or breakable. Get a sofa cover - the uglier the better - and just tell them it's so much cheaper than the upholstery cleaning. Better yet, let your husband do this. He needs to take on the hassle of preparing for their visit, and if he can't do it, he needs to tell them not to come. If your MIL has issues, then diet coke and coffee are probably the worst things to be drinking. Don't buy it.

Visits needs to be shorter and less frequent. And obviously you can't take them to other people's houses. If they ask, say you have not been invited back.

And your husband needs to see about getting his parents some more medical intervention if they are unnecessarily clumsy and perhaps having cognitive issues.

Your husband is the key here. They are his parents, his to deal with. You can only let him know what's going on and why it's a problem and ask for ideas on how to make it less of a problem.

You may have to "in-law proof" the house when they visit (plastic covers, move the stuff that's breakable, etc.). And hubby should ask them to pay for what they break. Any mature person would, anyway.

Make hotel reservations for them the next time they are in town and don't take them anywhere that you may be embarassed by their behavior. You don't say how far they live, but you could also suggest shorter visits.

This will give you ALL the space that you need when they are in town. I would also suggest making plans for them to "do things" while they are visiting... movies, museum tours, etc.

No Coke, no coffee, no beer in the house?

Get a cover to put over the furniture next time they come to at least take care of the most costly accident they seem to have. They may also take a hint from it.

Yeah... my first thought was getting a sofa cover, too.
It's a big HINT to them that you MEAN it. And if you get the right kind, it WILL protect the sofa from spills. If you get a plastic one, they may choose not to sit on the sofa at all, lol. ;)

A hotel is also a good idea.
I have very little patience for people who are disrespectful to me in my own home. We are more likely to see it from small children than the adults, though. You know.... feet (with shoes) standing on the sofa, eating/having popsicles on the sofa... walking around instead of seated at the table, etc. They seem to think that because THEY don't care AT HOME, that their children shouldn't be expected to respect the rules elsewhere. I have seen it firsthand. It is usually the parents that think their kids hung the moon and stars and are simply nothing but fabulous and wonderful and perfect and can do no wrong.
My kids do no eat on the sofa. Or drink on the sofa. My husband and I, and our adult guests do sometimes drink our coffee sitting there. But if spilling was a routine occurrence, and my rules changed to NOBODY drinks on the sofa, I can promise you it would go the way of the Dodo, or I'd have a "protector" covering the furniture.

If these are the only problems and there's not some larger issue with them and their treatment of you: Have you considered that your MIL may be on medications that could make her shaky when holding things? You would see that as an "excuse," based on the post, I guess, but she may be totally unaware that her medications are making her shaky or are the reason she drops things or spills things. Just something to consider with some compassion. Also, are they elderly? Have you considered that perhaps they aren't always remembering your rules because they have different ones at their house and possibly age and mental health mean they forget? Have you tried just guiding them to the kitchen table to drink and joining them there when they do?

Oh, and shaking hands can be a sign of Parkinson's Disease. I know because my FIL has it. Has anyone had either of your in-laws checked out? I think if they spill and break things regularly, that that should be a cause for concern that goes beyond concern for your personal material possessions.

As someone else posted -- just don't have drinks in the house that you don't want to see spilled on your couch. You can stock up again when they leave.

Truly, if they are OK in other respects and the "disrespect" is really only about the spilling and breaking (a basket and a TP holder? Not heirlooms, right?) -- Then please remember that they will not be around forever. Some of us on here have no living parents of our own to be grandparents to our kids. And some of us have in-laws who are very infirm and elderly. I would be glad to have my in-laws around here to spill something on the couch. It would mean they were able to get out and come see us, which they are not.

Welcome to my world! My SILs and kids were here for 5 days..."We're coming down to visit for 5 days." Ummm, ok. It WAS my 10 year old's birthday and they WERE invited to the party, but they are too cheap to ever get a hotel room. I already paid for a plane ticket for my son's friend and his mom who were also staying with us....so we had 12 people in the house for 4 days.

My friend was a major distraction. Everytime my SIL would say something nasty, my friend would look at me and shake her head "no". I simply smiled and said, "Do you need a drink?" She shut up pretty quickly.

On Monday, they all wanted to go to Disney, and for the first time, I decided that I didn't need to go. I got the family ready and out the door. I was home alone until I had to go to work....and then arrived home 20 minutes before they did.

I literally, removed myself from the equation at every turn. I went to get a haircut. I went to the store. I drove to the mall. I went to work - yeah for the office!

I am particular (many could call it OCD) and my MIL "washes dishes" with extremely bad eye sight. I've asked her not to MANY times, but she ignores me. She will not get the dishes clean (still has food on them) and then start to dry them with enormous soap bubbles on them!!!! I like my dishwasher and use sanitation mode. She hand washes everything with luke warm water and REFUSES to put the dishes in the dishwasher. I hand wash the dishes at her house and do not use the dishwasher, since they don't. When in Rome...

Keep yourself busy and hand ALL responsibility over to your husband. After 13 years, I finally did this for this last visit and you know what? It turned out pretty well. I told my husband that HE was responsible for cleaning up after them, etc. He did and HE was exhausted when they left. I was fine.

Cover your couch with blankets. Move any coffee tables - we have none and my in-laws are forced to sit at the kitchen table. ;)

Get rid of easily/potential breakable things.

We take the in-laws to breakfast every morning while they are here. The drive there, the wait, the dining, and then the drive back and easily eat up 2-3 hours of them NOT in my house making an awful mess.

I almost divorce my husband every time they leave. We have to see them at Thanksgiving and we have to stay with them, so we get there Tuesday night in time for my husband's birthday dinner at a restaurant. We are there Wed, Thurs. and leave late Friday night. THREE days. Can't handle much more.

I would explain to them that they broke XXXX and that they got stains on your xxxx that you value dearly. They have done this several times in the past and this time will be their last time. Then explain what the rules are. (Print up a copy and give each of them a copy.)

Tell them that you want them to have a relationship with your kids so the kids have a chance to know them. But some behavior is unacceptable. If they can't behave, then they must misbehave someplace else.

Your husband must stand beside you physically when you say this and save the last paragraph for him to say. The best thing would be for your husband to deliver the entire speech.

Good luck to you and yours.

I am a complete klutz, and I spill things all the time. Well, not as much now that I bought a few of those straw cups. I use those all the time. My husband laughed at me at first, but now he so grateful that they keep me from spilling so much.

I think buying a cover for your couch is a fabulous idea, but I'm going to guess that was just one example.

It sounds like you take great pride in your home. Are you able to keep it very clean and very nice looking? Do you make sure things are put away, vacuuming is done regularly, dishes and kitchen always clean, end tables dusted?

I am just guessing, because you have a Pottery Barn couch. Not sure how old your kids are, but there is no way we would make such a purchase. Things get spilled in our house on a daily basis. Our kids are always rough housing, they track in mud, they knock things over. I'm lucky they don't break things.

People's realities are different. Right now I have 3 baskets of laundry to fold and put away, and under those baskets somewhere is a carpet in desperate need of vacuuming. The dishes are done but not put away. The table is cluttered but basically clean. This is my reality. I realize I could learn a great deal from someone who is able to stay on top of things, but this is the way it is for us right now.

I'm just saying, I think your priorities are different. I don't think they realize that their relaxed attitude is taken by you as a sign of disrespect. I don't think they realize they are hurting you.

I never expect visitors or guests to pay for anything accidentally broken. Things break.

We do have rules about where eating and drinking is allowed. Normally, we do allow adults to have coffee or another beverage in the living room, but our couches are easily wiped off. If this is not the case in your home, I agree with putting a cover on the couch.

If, as you say, your in-laws have problems with their brain, that alone can make them clumsier and medications they are on for their brain can ALSO make them clumsier!

Believe me - I know how hard it is to keep your patience with someone with brain problems, but please please try. I looked upon it as a "gift" from God - a way of teaching me patience - a way to control my own ego - put aside myself and focus on the other person. I know how nearly impossible this is, and I can say with shame that I failed many times with my own mother.

But it is worth trying. It is worth pain, the frustration... the personal growth. It is not their fault. It is so easy for us to dismiss their "invisible disabilities" of pain and "mental" issues, but who are we to do that? I have had so much hubris, and still find myself falling into that trap.

Shorter visits & plastic sofa cover (they will get the picture)

They're your ILs, so talk to your DH. Tell him that you want to enjoy his parents, but that there are things you need his help with to do so. Other than the spills, how do they disrespect you? I suspect this is more than a couch.

Can you purchase travel mugs to help prevent spills? What does DH do when they spill or damage things? Are you upset because they messed up your friend's furniture without apology and made you look bad? I would try to figure out what the bottom line is and then go from there.

I wouldn't want to treat my MIL like a child, but if she routinely spilled things in my home, I'd put her drink in a travel mug or remove it from the livingroom for her. "Oh, MIL, let me get that for you. We spent $$ on the couch and it's difficult/expensive to clean so we don't drink in there anymore." And then don't. If my friend asks me to remove my shoes or use a coaster, I do. To not do it is to be a bad guest. My MIL is particular about her dishwasher, so we put the dishes on the side and she loads it how SHE wants to. No harm done. Everyone is happier.

This would drive me insane for sure. I think that you have gotten some good suggestions. I would limit the times for visits and get a cover for the couch.

Haven't read your answers yet. Serve only Sprite or clear liquids. Serve foods that won't stain or better yet, serve fresh fruit and water. My sister has in-laws a lot like this. Unfortunately for my sister, she is a fantastic cook and her in-laws think nothing of lounging around her house and waiting to be served breakfast, lunch and dinner. My guess is that if the food ran out, they'd high tail it out of there quickly. Focus on conversation and not so much on serving them so well and maybe they'll get the hint? Sorry.

I'd make light of the situation but still get your point across. Put plastic on everything. HA! They might take the hint. My dad does not listen to me when I bring my daughter over and feeds her crappy foods so I started packing our own food when we visit. He took the hint and now keeps better stock. I had told him over and over. I also had a friend who had a knack for breaking things every (EVERY) time she visited. I started jokingly leaving out a helmut and roll of duct tape and offer it to her when she wanders off to another room. I only needed to do that a couple of times and sometimes still offer them but now she is more aware of her actions. I think when people don't listen, you have every right to go to extremes to counter their defiance.

I haven't found a way yet to have people who don't respect your home suddenly do that. If you ask someone not to eat on the furniture you would think they would respect that. I have found that you can ask and ask and they do what they want. You either lose it and say things you regret like you said, or you sit there and let them ruin your home. I struggle with the idea that people are worth so much more than furniture and homes and yet respect is something people should have when visiting you. You have to decide which is worth more to you. They obviously are not going to stop eating on the furniture. I used to take saucers and TV trays to those kind of people while they went ahead and sat on the couch but that even didn't work. Drips on carpets, etc. still happened. Maybe you could try saying 'we are having coffee now at the table if you'd like to join us' or something similar but doubt it will work. Your husband should speak up and ask his parents to not eat there as it makes drips or something like that but guess he isn't going to do it. I put up with it for the sake of family and older in laws but when it comes to kids breaking everything in the house and you say please don't do that and the parents say 'what's wrong with it' I don't invite them often. It's a shame as it's your home and I would never go to their home and expect them to run it my way or ever say a word to them about how they do things. Either put up with it and cover the couch or get a motel or let it go. Your choice.