In Law Fall Out and New Baby on the Way

Although I do not know the exact reason why the situation happen. Out of respect, write them the letter. They are still family. However I would mention to them where you stand about the issues at hand. Tell them the truth, you are writing to inform them you are expecting another child however you still feel the same way about the situation about not wanting contact with them unless there is some kind of resolve with whatever it is that happend. Perhaps maybe with another child on the way they may rethink things. If they write saying they don't care, well at least you gave it the effort. I just hope they read the letter, and not just toss it away! Good luck!

I wanted to respond to your post because I have had problems with my mother-in-law too, although not involving physical violence.

It's important to keep in mind that your husband WILL always feel some loyalty to his mother and it may cause some disagreement later. NEVER believe that it is over and you are both unanimous in your decision to cut off the relationship (or whatever actions you have decided on). As time goes on, the severity of the incident will fade in his mind and he will begin to feel guilty about it. It's human nature. It has happened to me on numerous occasions with my sister-in-law whom I have refused to believe is as damaged as she would have everyone believe, regardless of the times she has hurt me personally.

My husband prefers to keep his family at arm's length while they continue to badger him with calls when they have decided he has done something they disapprove of. In the beginning, I would put in my two cents worth on his family's behavior but I have found that doing this only causes disagreements between us. He's the only one who can say these things about his family because they are HIS family and not mine. Chiming in with the insults will only trigger a defensive argument.

I think it is important that the decision be made MOSTLY by him because later, if it was YOU who dominated the decision to cut off the relationship, some resentment will emerge.

While I have never met your MIL, I have discovered, over time, that there were situations that I exacerbated with my stubbornness and combativeness (I was a new mom and had just come from two terms in the Marine Corps so I was pretty terrible). It took several years and much soul searching for me to realize that there were some things that weren't that important for me to be right about. I knew I was right but it wasn't necessary for me to prove to her that I was right.

Anyway, your situation may be totally different but the point is that your husband should not feel pushed into the decision to alienate his mother or else it might come back to bite you in the bottom later.

Having said that mouthful, no violence is acceptable. An adult with grandchildren should be old enough to know that. Shame on her.

I would send out a blast e-mail to friends and family and include them in it. I am assuming your are fairly far along, so they may have heard thru the grapevine already. In the blast e-mail just include things that are going on in your life, and the fact that your going to be having another boy...it might even be cute if you write it as if your oldest is writing it. Do it from his eyes. That way they know about it forsure. ITs up to them to do somthing with it from there. Le them know whats going on even if you don't see them or talk to them. Might do well if you guys get family counseling. Life is very short. Remember that.

your in-laws have chosen, through their violent and threatening behavior and refusal to make amends, to cut themselves off. It is up to them, not you, to open the door to a renewed relationship. I would not contact them - you have made the right choice to protect your children from their violent behavior - keep it up!

My husband once told me the most consoling words, "you choose your friends, not your family." They were consoling words to me because it helped me accept my biological relationship to very inappropriate family members. Having said that, I always choose to surround my baby with positive and nurturing people, not hostile and inappropriate role models. My mother has asked that her family wants to meet my daughter, but sadly they continue to be petty and undeserving individuals. My brother in law has some more undeserving family members, his parents. He and my sister have three beautiful children, none of them have met their paternal grandparents, because they are not appropriate role models for them. It would be sad to deprive the relationship, if they were kind and loving; but it is a relief that they aren't around people who are going to show up with drama and 'scare' the children with their behavior. Good luck to you and your husband on your decision.

i think that it is good to just give them the fyi and let them know that if they cant be respectful in conversation or in person to not come around and such like you stated. i know it cant be tricky when it comes to inlaw problems so hang in there and good luck!

Hi N.:
So, your question here is "Even though my husband and I agreed we would have no further contact with the family,should we go ahead,just this once, so we can tell them we are having another baby,and they won't ever see him? Don't you think that sounds rather childish?You've stated,that your only reason to contact them would be to tell them about the baby and then (remind them,) that you do not wish to initiate any further contact.The real reason,why your husband wants to contact them, is to rub their noses in it. What makes you believe that they would even care about your news? This is just another oportunity for the two of you to spout off.You obviously have some unfinished business.Your asking, what course of action to take now? Nothing. You leave it alone. Are you looking for another volitile situation?The way I look at it is, You have two options right now. You can make amends with the family,and share your happy news, or leave things alone,and not attempt to instigate or stir up any more bad feelings,amongst family.Just one opinion. The best to you.

Your main concern is for your kids and remind your husband of this. With these situations, there can be no half way. They will undoubtedly hear the news from someone else. If they call about it and ask why they were left out, be truthful but polite. Unless your husband is ready to forgive, forget and include them in everything, you both need to stick with your decision.

It may hard to leave out "Grandma" but what kind of Grandma/Mom has she really been? Biology does not earn her the right, only her actions.

We are in a similar situation with my FIL and new wife, though not nearly extreme, and we don't visit and rarely communicate. Even though we've asked him not to over and over he still sends gifts at holidays/b-days, etc. I send thank you notes and a xmas card.

Sounds to me like you are on the right track

First of all, your mother-in-law has shown that she has no respect for her own grandchild by getting physical with you while you were holding the child. It sounds like you are doing the right thing now as far as being strong in your own little family. If you plan on sending out baby announcements, you should send your in-laws one. You will show yourself that you are able to continue to be the better person. Keep a rational head on your shoulders and don't worry about anyone else except for your husband and children. Live each day for them. They are the most important people in your life.

No, i wouldn't tell them.I think you need to deal with the issue at hand first.If that isn't going to happen then i would let things be.Like another post said, it is only going to cause more drama.Just because you have a baby on the way doesn't change what happened and what my happen again from how u speak of them.I think u could let them know you are open to talk about the event that happened but untill then i wouldn't have anything to do with them.You don't want that negative attitude around your family.

I agree completely with what Julia M wrote. You state that you have no intentions of having any future contact with these people and that you won't let them see the baby. If that's the case then why would you tell them? What obligation is that filling? Seems like rubbing salt in a wound to me. "Hey guess, what? We had another child. Too bad you'll never see our new son." That's essentially what you're saying and if that's really how you feel then there's no point in telling them. However, in reading between the lines I sort of suspect that your husband is hoping that your new baby may help to soften the hurt feelings and help to heal the rift between all of you.

You don't mention what precipitated the argument and ugliness at cmas. Nothing excuses the behavior, but not knowing what happened leaves a big hole and makes it hard for any outsider to assess the situation. I personally would not want my children (or indeed myself!) exposed to that sort of nonsense. However, I also understand and appreciate the importance of having extended family (we have none here and I miss it for my son) and if there is hope to mend the relationship then I'd work on that.

If however you really have no desire to ever again see these people, and if you have absolutely no intention of allowing them any contact with your children then there's just no point in sharing the news.

Hi N., I think all needs to be forgivin on both sides, I would let his family know that you are exspecting, but I wouldn't saying anything like I don't want any furture contact, tomorrow is not promised to anyone, my mom died 3 years ago, anf there was things i wanted to say and should have but didn't, it's to late now. Were supossed to honor our fathers and mothers, no where is it writin that we only honor our parents if they are acting right or they never make mistakes. If they reply and want to our own come see the family, you tell them, that is your home and you will not
tollerate out bursts in from of your kids. But never cut family out, lie is to short. J.