ok so this is really for venting, but OMG my inlaws are REALLY starting to aggrivate. My husband and i had pictures done for the first time since we've been married saturday. Took them to his mom and dad's house (the cd) so they could have all the copies. While he was in the bedroom where the computer is with his dad, i was talking with his mom and she asked me how old my two step daughter's are (13 and 14 by Christmas time)
to put a little history in to explain the rest. The rule they've ALWAYS gone by is 13 and over play silly santa and no gifts, 12 and under gets presents no silly santa. Well, last year my oldest step daughter was 13. Well she does have maturity issues. I think it's because she never gets the chance to mature up.
SO, last year, his mom told me she was not invited/allowed to play because she's not mature enough. Well, over a christmas GAME my husband and i didn't think this was fair to her. So she played even though he and i were the ONLY one's that thought she should. his mom even came up to her with a gift and told her, you're lucky you're getting this! i told his mom, you knew she was playing, if she's lucky she's getting the present, you shouldn't have gotten it for her...that didn't go over well. She played silly santa even though no one wanted her to because PARENTS said she could.
ne ways, after verifying their ages, she told me that the family is not playing silly santa this year because they don't think my step daughter's should, and regardless of what the family thought, we let them play and they are not having that.
also, over the summer my uncle that i grew up without and very close to now, lost his wife due to a diabete's problem. So we promised at that time that we were going to spend thanksgiving with him and my side so he's not alone for thanksgiving. My mil just came out and asked...what are you guys bringing for thanksgiving, then got irritated when i told her that we would not be there. then even more upset when she brought up christmas to my husband and he told her we'll be in TN ne way (to see his 24yr old daughter)
just a little more info, every since my husband and i got together, we have spent EVERY holiday with his side from thanksgiving to christmas, to halloween, easter, and even most july 4th's...i almost told his mom that our universe does not evolve around just them.
so ne ways, i'm really posting this to vent, but tell me what you think. my husband and i have concluded that it's a control game, and i told him if we just quit coming around because we're tired of everyone "calling the shots" where our kids are concerned, they'll stop if they want us around...in my opionion, if a child is old enough and mature enough to play, their age shouldn't matter AND the parents make the final decisions.
ne way i called my friend (whom is like my sister) and talked to her bout holidays and she agreed if my husband and i want we'd come over to her house, and EVERYONE can play the game (no that game is not a big deal to us)
anyone have any advice on drama free ways to show the family that he and i will call the shots with our kids and that we're not playing the "control game" ....that's really all it is, a control game for everyone...no one is happy in his family if they don't have the control of everyone else .....seriously and we want to show them that we are not playing that ball game with them
joann, yes control is probably an issue for both sides. last year after i told his mom that we were going to let the oldest play, she called me a week later and told me everyone else agreed that she will not.....well she did, because we decided she will and she wanted to. why everyone got so upset that she played...because we took their control away. and yes i get irritated because with them being OUR kids...WE have control and will have the final say so, we enforced it last year and well, they didn't like that.
A different game would be an option, but it's majority rules at his mom's house...and majority will follow the favorites as well.
so yeah we're finding our own things to do that puts us where we want to be....and yes we visit less and less, cause one i dont' like going to his mom's, and our kids hate it too...when we do go i think we spend 1 hour at the most.
we used to go there EVERY sunday afternoon like everyone else, but like him i'm tired of the constant control battle
been reading a lot of the good advice on here, and yes we've already vowed to do our own thing if they fit in they fit in if not, o well, ne ways, the hardest part (really is) is that mil takes her hate for my step daughter's mom out on her. when they are not there, my mil will vent and tell me how much she hates that the oldest step daughter looks/acts like her mom and that she absolutely cannot stand that blah blah blah. just about every visit great or small, she is furious about something...my husband and i don't leave my daughter (7) alone with her AT ALL even if we are in a different room, because usually she'll come storming in telling me something my daughter did that mil didn't like, then when my daughter tries to explain her self to me, my MIL will bust out with a "don't call me a liar"...so yeah, kids definately hate it, so i'm hoping that we can pull off the trip to TN so they can't belly ache, that'll be understandable .... to go see a daughter my husband hasn't been able to share a christmas with since she was 2...being a single mom that she is, it's hard to make the trip.............but we'll go see her if she can't come see us
Always take a cruise or vacation at Christmas. I know several families that do that and they love it! Their families have finally accepted they always go out of town.
Well...it sounds like there is a bit of control issue on both sides. Bottom line is you & your hubby decide, together, where and when you will spend holidays.
I have simular issues with extra added. That being said:
1. There is no drama free way to handle this. either you roll over and let them have their way or you stick to your guns and over time they will realize these are your kids and you will be the one's to decide the who, what , when and how when it comes to your kids.
2. You cannot control the way others feel, & Think, but you can control how you react to it.
3. Do what you need to do and everything else is what it is. they will be made and will tell everyone else how mean you are but oh well if they are not being reasonable then oh well.
If you want to hear my story to make you feel better so you are not the only one email me.
I'm just really impressed that your husband feels the same was after having grown up in the middle of all that! My ex always said I was taking things the wrong way whenever his mother did or said something to me. He never took my side until it was too late and we were already divorced. Then she did something to show her true colors. (I thought it was a new boyfriends ex that did it and told My ex all about it. Later his mother told him about what she "found out". He knew she was lying because he already knew all about it)
Hurray for men that really do become partners and cut the apron strings!
Wow. Just stop going. Have Christmas at your house or a friends, or your side. I can't stand when one side controls everything like that. I have no idea what silly santa is all about, but if they are making up rules and taking things away from your girls, then just don't participate. If you have to, give them one holiday that you will spend with them, and make plans for the rest. You can even say that you would like to host and invite them for one of the holidays. They can choose to not come too.
Christmas is for kids and if the kids are enjoying it, what is the point. I don't care about the games and gifts, but it is about having fun with family and if they aren't having a good time, and you aren't having a good time why bother? Yes, once a year if family is out of town, I would say suck it up, but not if it is every holiday. Take control back.
As long as you and husband are on the same page and show a united front, that is what is important. If she is not being fair with her grandchildren, good for you for calling her out on it and allowing your daughter to play the game. just keep doing what is best for your family.
What is silly Santa? Also if you insisted your daughter play why did you if everyone was so mad about it? I would just not spend as much time over at their home and the communication needs to improve. I had a hard time understanding what you are saying, what is ne? Perhaps if your husband spoke with his parents things would go over better becasue it sounds like they aren't happy with you. I say that only becasue if they did why would they behave that way. I'm sorry it sounds like more is going on than you are saying. I don't think you should give your life story. Something doesn't sound right to me.
You've already received quite a bit of good advice. I'll just add to what has been said. Maybe it's indeed time to take charge of your holiday and start your own traditions. Maybe from now on you could have your Christmas celebration at home (or away!) - just your immediate family without any other relatives. If it sounds good, ask your your husband to announce that this is what your family is doing from now on... and stick with it. Maybe you could have a party for relatives at New Year's.
Establishing a new tradition like this is saying, "Here is something new we're going to enjoy as a family," instead of "My MIL is a jerk so we're staying home." Make your plans positive, not negative. And yes, you might want to start it off with a bang - doing something really special together.
If your MIL fusses, just say pleasantly, "I'm sorry you don't like the idea, but it's what we'll be doing and we'll see you soon. Love you!" You don't need to present a defense of your plan and you want the communication to be as brief as possible. You don't want guilt trip games going in either direction.
I'm a mother and a mother-in-law myself and sometimes it feels like walking a tightrope. Other times it feels like walking a tightrope over a cliff blindfolded with a grizzly on the other end of the cliff. When I was little, there were no relatives close enough for visiting, so we always had holidays by ourselves and visited the kinfolk other times when it was possible. But I've heard over the years - including on this site - both wonderful stories and horror stories about family gatherings!
My children are grown and most of them live within driving distance. I love it when they all come over, but I've tried not to write anything in cement. Our house is available, but if they want to do something else instead, that's all right, too. Last year we went to one of the children's homes for Christmas because they couldn't do it any other way. Other years, one child or another has simply decided not to join the family. I figure they have a right to do that.
All that I request is advance notice (barring any emergencies). If my out-of-town children decide not to come here, I need to send their presents to them instead, and that takes time. Conversely, if two adults and three grandchildren decide to join us for Christmas Day at the last minute, you can imagine what that does to Christmas dinner.
To me, the one thing WORSE than my family not wanting to be with me at Christmas would be my family not wanting to be with me at Christmas but feeling they had to come anyway.
no matter what you do you are playing her game, you just need to decide how to play because no one will win and all will loose either way.
Family is hard.....both of my parents are gone and I would love to argue with them one more time.....with that said, they weren't at all like your MIL............
Maybe you should say, we are celebrating Christmas at our home from whatever time to whatever time, you are all more than welcome to come over.....please let me know by such and such a time if you wish to do so.....it doesn't even have to be on Christmas.........or maybe even do a dinner out with everyone......if they choose not to come, no problem.....
If this is causing this much of an issue with you and you're family, then A. your husband needs to talk to his Mother..........B....you and you're husband need to decide how to handle this issue together, for you and the kids.....
C. Then you need to put the plan in action and stick to it.......
Marriage is hard enough with his kids, my kids, our kids, I've been there.....so do what is good for you guys.....if that means taking Mom and Dad out to eat every once in a bit to spend some time with them, then do that.....other wise, leave it....
Take care and good luck.
I think it's time for a NEW game ... how about doing a treasure hunt with clues or something.. granted, some might think it's just for the young, but you can make it fun for everyone... and at the same time include everywhere.. for example, make up a clues and the group has to locate the next one.. this way you all work together and at the end of the hunt, there are gifts (even if just small ones) for all those interested in participating..
no one should be left out if they want to participate..
