In-Laws Giving Non-age Appropriate Gifts/bad Behavior

Chill out. Noone is perfect. I'm married to an awesome man whose mother sounds exactly like your MIL. At first, I would get irritated by her disrespect and cheapness but once I realized that she truly loved my children, I felt ashamed of my pettiness. My in-laws love my kids . . how could I complain! She gives them crappy gifts . . . so what! I provide my children with everything they could possibly need so what do I care. My in-laws love my kids and that is a gift that is priceless!!! Once you realize that, the rest is inmaterial!

Okay, I'm sorry but I think you are over-reacting quite a bit and are "stuck". First, I bet your 3 year old LOVED playing with those pennies and the only thing that concerned me was that they are such a choking hazard! (You didn't even mention that in your list of complaints.) Second, it's truly not g'parents JOB to provide entertainment for your children. It's not. If they do, that's wonderful and great, but mom, it's YOUR job!! Don't use the excuse that you, the fulltime mom of these children, forgot to pack toys for them to play with. You want to criticize somebody---who forgets to pack toys for their kids to play with? Seriously. You are driving for only 45 minutes, so how on earth can you NOT have room in your car? I don't care how small your car is since they all have trunks, cargo holds, etc. You could easily pack a box of toys or two or even three boxes. You are not being reasonable about this situation. When my first was small, I packed a box of toys that I bought just to leave at my parents' home, and we left them there so they could have new and exciting toys to play with while at g'parents home. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect my parents or my husband's parents to buy toys to entertain my children. At my in-laws home, I always packed toys and snacks for my kids to eat, and you should do the same and quit whining about them. Your kids will enjoy (or not) their relationship with the g'parents whether they buy them stuff or not. If you are seriously worried about gifts, pick the phone up a month before each b-day and Christmas and ask them if they'd like a few gift suggestions to choose from for your kids. (IF they do email, you could email them the suggestions and even some links to Amazon or where ever so they can see the prices and even buy online if they choose.) Give them a suggestion for an inexpensive and a moderately priced gift for each of your girls. If they come through, great, but if not, don't sweat it---it's such a small thing in life to complain about.

As far as the alcoholic drink in hand while holding a baby---was it the first? If so, I personally wouldn't sweat that, either. Does she get drunk? That would be out-of-line, of course. And you are within your rights to ask your husband to have a quiet conversation with his parents (in private) that you both would prefer they not drink while holding your children, and if they forget and do so anyway, just have hubby gently take the child. If they say something, he can quietly whisper a reminder of your request. It truly would be best if he handled this, and if you back off all the other stuff, he probably won't mind. But if they don't over-indulge, I don't see the big deal here, either. It's not like they're driving your children or babysitting them while drinking.

As for the inappropriate gifts----if it's too old, you can say something like "Oh, she'll enjoy this so much when she's older. Thank you so much." Blow off the rest, mom. You are too invested in criticizing your husband's parents. Be thankful they are alive and healthy and can have a relationship with your children. Forget the rest. Find as many GOOD things as you can about them----force yourself to find a pre-determined number of positive things about them at each visit, and chat about those good things in the car on the way home with your husband and your kids. Do not allow yourself to give voice to those negative things you saw. To anyone. You will gradually stop thinking about them and finding them as often, and hopefully will start noticing more and more good things, and begin enjoying your visits with them. And as for you two not meshing well and her not returning your calls----can you blame her? Sounds like you are blaming her for not being this perfect grandma you have pictured in your head.

I'm suprised your husband isn't this horrible crazy person (or is he)being raised by such awful people. Because you sound to perfect to be married to anything less then perfection. If you only see them a few times a year why would you expect them to have toys. If you as their mother sometimes forget to pack toys does not make you a bad mom and a coloring book and crayons and some barbies and blocks don't take much room. If a close friend gave your children an outfit you thought was ugly, wrong size ect I think you would think it but not make an issue. They were raised in different times and are different people. Unless it is a safty issue(pennies or being drunk not having a few drinks) you should not judge just talk to them nicely and explain.My MIL use to give our kids empty cards for their birthday (they are very well off) is never feeling good when our kids have special occasions neither work and never join us for holidays because they already have family plans which we never got a call for none of his siblings are married and only one has 2 kids. My parents are very loving spend way to much money and are always at all events for our kids and they both work and don't care where we spend holidays as long as we are all together. It breaks my heart my husband doesn't have or didn't have what I had growing up I could not imagine trying to make him feel worse but he still loves his family and cherishes what he did have growing up. My daughter just had major surgery and my parents and all my brothers and sisters were there before, during and after for many hours don't you think my husband felt alone his mother showed up hours after the surgery and asked if they had all been there and that she wasn't voluntering for that kind of duty his sisters showed up days later and his brother called from the hospital when we were already home that he was there to vist her. (she had been in the hospital a week and home for a few days already) I invited him over to our house and asked him to stay longer so my husband could see him. We have showed up with a friend of my daughters and my MIL will say she doesn't know if she has enough food which we always get served very little never has cold drinks or drinks sometimes. I have taught my daughters to be gracious and made sure we ate a little before going.Today they are getting better because I think they realize time is limited but I have never made a comment or remark to cause more seperation. I am also teaching my daughters marry what you want don't settle know the family and your husband well before you marry and that they have all the qualities you want because you can't change them and it is not fair for you to try if you married them that way and just because people do things different then we would doesn't make them wrong and us right or vice-versa we are all just trying to do our best. I think your husband would really love a sorry and that you are going to be more open and understanding to the parents he loves very much. Best of luck and I hope you learn to make a good situation out of a bad one because that's a good lesson to teach your children.

Unfort. they probably wont change, so as everyone said just bring over toys and donate the weird gifts to goodwill. As for the beer, you might want to just let your mil know that you don't feel comfortable with anyone drinking while holding your children, and be polite, be she just needs to respect how you feel. Good luck, it sounds mostly like you just really need to vent, so get it on out, I think its healing!

Hi J.:
Regardless,of the ill feelings between your mil and you, You want your daughters to be treated fairly,and compassionately by their Grandparents.I believe that is whats most upsetting to you. We can handle it, but they shouldn't have to. I agree. My first thought, was that his parents are older. You know,some kids parents have their kids later in life,and maybe they have lost touch, with what toys kids like.Did they have all boys? Do they know what girls like?Either they dont have a clue, or are neglectful and not giving it much effort. I understand, that your husband doesn't want a confrontation with his parents. You want his support, but you don't want to create a situation, where he feels he has to choose between you and them. This isn't good for your relationship. May i make this suggestion.Ask your husband to have a talk with his mother,about xmas.Ask him, if he will tell her,that he knows its been a while,and that it must be very difficult to try and guess what it is the girls like.Please allow me to give you a few ideas mom, so that you don't waste money buying things the girls can't use.(mary loves drawing and can use drawing paper.She loves dolls, but she likes the soft cuddly ones. "Ginny is young,but loves looking at books with big pictures.She can use some play clothes,in case you find something on sale,shes a size--- and Mary is a size 3.He can say it like hes attempting to help her,and at the same time,get her on track, as far as what is age approprate for your daughters.Because,the girls only visit a few times a year,its best you take a few toys for them.Forget about why your mil hasn't bought any for them yet.You need to make sure you take a few of their favs,so they don't get bored.They're number one on your list,even if they aren't on hers. I'm sure you've heard the term(kill em with kindness) You be as pleasant as you can be while at mils house. It will drive her nuts! lol After all,how convincing could she be, telling other family members...or your hubby,how hard to get along with you are, when your so damn sweet all the time! : ) I wish you your hubby and your darlin daughters the best

The in-laws probably won't change, that's the bad news.

The good news is you can learn to cope with their weird behavior. My daughter, the first on both sides got all sorts of weird stuff for her 1st birthday...barbies, computer game thing etc, clothes that we're well inappropriate to me for a baby. Just say thank you, after all it is the thought.. return what you can for appropriate things, stash the stuff that she will grow into, she now plays with all the barbies she got when she was too young (you'll be surprised how fast that happens). And Freecycle the rest http://www.freecycle.org/ is a website where people give away things they don't want to someone who really wants and can use it.
Oh and with the drinking thing, I understand your view point in that alcohol hampers ones judgment - my kids were around all types of people drinking and not and at 9,9 and 10 they have very developed senses of drinking is wrong and weird.
So I wouldn't worry too much about it..unless they are giving the kids some too. (just my 2 cents worth).

L.

Hello J.,

Since you sent long request, I can tell you are receiving long replies...

Just to make you laugh: At least you don't have my husband's uncle! He was asked to bring a dessert to our last family dinner and he brought a half-eaten cake!! He decided he was hungry after he purchased it from the grocery store, so he ate it in the parking lot then brought the left overs to my house! I also asked on another occasion to bring corn on the cob as a pot-luck item for 8 people. He showed up with ONE can of corn!!! So, I have learned to cope with weirdos. Also, a dirty ball box from the thrift store was given to my kids at Christmas.

Solution? Provide some toys in a rubbermaid tote: legos, Lincoln Logs, puzzles, etc.
to keep at their house. Each visit, gets a new item placed in the box. Soon, MIL will see what level of play your children are at. This tote can be placed in a closet or their garage.
This is a great way for you to get rid of the access toy stuff at your house. And you won't have to fill your car each time you visit. Consider a tricycle also... maybe the Grandparents can find one at a Yard Sale?

As for clothing? I would call ahead before the holidays and include your children's sizes of clothing. Say something like: I have enjoyed your gift of clothing to the kids, here are the sizes they are in this season.

Try it. My In-laws caught on and are enjoying gift giving in the appropriate manner...

Drinking and holding kids? If its one beer, let it go... if its 2-3, then it's time to take action. I took my baby after Grandpa smelled like cigarettes. I made a statement and now he has quit all together and enjoys the reward of holding and loving his Grandkids.

Blessings to you on your journey of being respectful and getting what you want.

M.

Hm, interesting dilemma(s). As weird as some of this stuff is with your in-laws, you just have to accept it for what it is and not get hyper-focused on it.

1. No toys at the house- well take some over there. And leave some there if you don't want to bring them back every time. I would not expect a family member to have toys for my kids at their house unless my kids went there on a daily or weekly basis. If you only visit a few times a year, it is your job to bring age-appropriate toys over. Especially since they seem to have no clue what toys are appropriate. Maybe they would start to get the idea what kinds of toys your kids liked if they actually saw with their own eyes the ones they enjoy that you bring along.

2. It's really funny how clueless they are about age-appropriateness of toys. It's no use taking it personally or getting irritated about it though, just deal. Save the too-old stuff for later, and regift the too-young stuff. And use it as an ongoing opportunity to teach your kids the art of receiving gifts graciously.

3. Saying you don't want anyone interacting with your kids while they are drinking is a little harsh, (it sounds pious to a responsible adult who enjoys a beverage here and there with minimal impairment) and unrealistic in most social circles. It's definitely unrealistic in your husband's family since they choose to enjoy alcohol at family celebrations. It sounds to me like another excuse to be irritated at MIL. Many children grow up in households with alcohol and the grown-ups just say "no you may not have a drink it's not apple juice you won't like it". No biggie. Actually, there is supposedly less alcoholism in cultures where wine is part of the norm in households so I wouldn't fret about your kids "interacting" with a family member who has a beverage in hand. We can't shelter them from forever. (unless of course a family member has had too much and is compromising the safety of the children).

4. What a bummer that MIL doesn't respond to your calls to go shopping or for lunch. I say, keep trying. How about calling her a few weeks before your childrens' birthdays to suggest you two go shopping together for the kids gifts, for fun and so you don't duplicate items. ;)

I wish you the best with your in-laws, they do sound strange, but hey that's family! Isn't it amazing what we can tolerate for the sake of love and family harmony? :)

i agree that they probably won't change, unfortunately. not just in-laws, some of my older relatives also do not use their common sense at all around little children. my uncle (in his 60's) was playing with my oldest son a couple of years ago when he was 9 months old, and he was drinking a glass of wine. he jokingly offered it to my son, and i thought he was just fooling around, until he actually moved his glass toward my son's mouth and actually touched it! you know 9-months old! they are just starting to eat table food and of course my son tried to drink from the glass! but my uncle stopped right before he actually drank anything! all this happened right in front of me in a split second! i didn't say anything because this is the uncle (my mom's older brother) who paid for my mom's education a long time ago when she used to be very poor, so he is supposed to be very "respected" at home, but i immediately took my son away from him. luckily i almost never see this uncle because he lives in another country. so yeah, it's not just your family, everyone's got some crazy relatives in their clan. you just gotta keep your eyes and ears open, bring your own toys and food, and not assume that other people have common sense around children.

My MIL is the same way, but she spends $20 to $40 at the thrift stores. she buys adult clothing for the kids, dish towels, chipped picture frames, anything completely wierd. Then the kids would be so humiliated to open the gift from grandma in front of their friends. When they got older (5) we started having 2 parties, one for the friends and one for the family/relatives. This seemed to help.

I once talked to her about the gifts she gave, told her that if she called the kids before going shopping and asked them what they wanted then it would be cheaper and she would end up being the favored grand parent. And she wouldn't have to spend so much time shopping for all these additional items. I also talked to her about getting us (the married folk) gift certificates for resturants so that we could also get out as our gift. Not that she needed to spend alot on the gift but any amount helps towards the bill. It gets expensive with the babysitter, meal and a movie.

Needless to say, she still did her own thing and that's when we started doing 2 parties. She asked the kids if their friends where coming to the party and the kids said no we went bowling or to the jumping place or whatever. She asked why she wasn't invited to that party and we had already told the kids to say that it was to expensive to invite all the friends and family too. So we invited the family for pizza and cake, we handed out goody bags or did a separate pin-u-ata for the family. This was actually better for us because by the time you invited the school friends, neighbors, church friends and any old friends or friends that didn't go to the same class as you you end up with over 20 kids and then you and family, That's just way to many people.

You can mention it nicely or just leave it be. They are who they want to be, you can't change them. If you are the # 1 grandparent then you are the one who has gone out of your way to by exactly the gift the child wanted and you most likely have bought it weeks in advance and are asking the mother of the parent what else you can possible do to help her prepare for the party no mater how big or small. Most likely they have thought about it and really don't care that's just who they are. I see this in my spouse (sad to say), he would tell the kids that our gift was the party (I would go by them something they wanted and give it to them separately, then after the party the gift would fit right in and he wouldn't know anything diffrent.
He also buys really stupid things for the gift box, this is his idea, that he goes out and buys gifts & then the kids can pick out a gift for their friends B-days. I always go and by something else & get rid of a toy at the same time. (how sad is this) but he just doesn't get it either.

My kids are lucky if there is 1 item out of the box that they want to keep, from MIL. I simply use this as a learning experiense. To be better people then this, if your going to waste money on anything make sure it's something worth it, and don't give stupid gifts because you don't like getting them yourself. I hope that my kids are learning from this because if my spouse is the same as his mom then it must run in the family jeans. (yikes)

Anyway hope this info helps. Good Luck to you! J.

looks like you got some good advice already so ill keep my opinion short! :) my thought was that the next time you visit bring extra toys from home or get new ones and leave them there. this way you know there is something for the kids and you only have to pack it one time. this may even get the ball rolling and get her to add to the collection. :) plus then she will see for herself what the kids are playing with these days! lol if she gets you clothes that dont match but fit then you got yourself play clothes! or painting clothes! kids are great at getting messy and how nice it is to have a set of clothing that is ment for just that! :) it seems that your mil isnt alone in the unusual shopping methods... lol my thought is you could guide her in the right direction but i wouldnt hold my breath, just think how upset you and the kids would be if she didnt do ANYTHING! the thought IS there, and she is taking time out and thinking of her grand children. which not all grand parents do. just accept it and teach your girls good manors in accepting a bad gift! lol good luck hope this helps.