Hi T.,
Boy can I relate!!! It sounds like we need some kind of a support group regarding meddling in-laws! The first year and a half of our marriage was horrible ~ thanks mainly to my mother-in-law. We've been married fourteen years now, so hang in there, be persistant WITH your husband and work on the problem together with him.
Is your husband TRULY AWARE of the problem and does he see it as a problem? This is very important! I'd talked with my husband about how his mom (& siblings) treated me and how they made me feel on several occassions. I think he heard me but never really saw/understood it until, on the way to her house one day (after over a year of marriage)I asked him to PLEASE watch what happens while we were there (prior to this, he'd only gotten my version of what happened, and I'm sure he thought I was being overly sensitive. On the way home, he said, "Honey, I am SO sorry, I never realized it was that bad." Sometimes men, bless their hearts, can be completely oblivious. Also, in-laws can be very skillful at hiding their behavior from our spouses! So, really talk with your hubby and, if he hasn't actually seen it with his own eyes while it's happening, ask him to be more observant regarding his family's actions.
Another suggestion, that may sound terrible, is just don't go around his family. I was usually the one who took our son to see Grandma because my husband worked a LOT of hours. My son would ask to stop in to see Gma when we were out and about doing errands, etc. One day he asked if we could and I said no. Of course he asked why and I just told him because Gma isn't very nice to Mommy sometimes. He said, but she's nice to me and I said yes, she is and that is why Daddy can take you to see her when he has time.
The reason I did this AND told my son is because some of us tend to be doormats for our families. It causes us to doubt ourselves and wreaks havoc with our self esteem. So, I wanted my son to know that yes, we love our family and yes we accept them for who and what they are, but we do not have to continually put ourselves in a position that makes us feel bad. Grandma knew she wouldn't ever get to see her grandson if she relied on Daddy to take him for visits, so she'd check herself and be nice.
The thing is, I really didn't care if they liked me. Of course I would have loved that they did and if we'd have all gotten along, but that wasn't the case, so I moved forward from there. The thing I cared about was that they were respectful to me to my face and in front of my child, so when she acted appropriately, I just "smiled and nodded", and when she reverted to being nasty and snide, I'd stop the visits. It was a constant cycle until our son was about five years old...when we moved 1200 miles away!
Sorry for rambling on and on, I hope it helps though. Let us know how it goes! The holidays are a great time for you hubby to observe by the way. ;o)
Good luck!!!
S.
P.S. Feel free to send an e-mail if you want to talk. I'll reply to it with my phone number if you'd like.