My DH, DD and I are living with my parents currently while we transition into buying their house (my parents are in transition of buying and moving into another home soon). While we live with them, my Mom has agreed to provide care for our daughter while I work during the weeks. We treat this situation just as we would any other daycare; we pay her, have certain expectations of care, etc. The issue I have is that DH's mother wants in on the action, even though she lives over an hour away (which, of course, is VERY generous on her part), and we've agreed to one half-day watch a week, but I'm starting to think that this arrangement is a very bad idea but I don't know how to fix it.
First, MIL is legally disabled, meaning, she's unable to work because she has osteoarthritis in several parts of her body; she tires easily, pops pain meds to counteract the pain, and is pretty much laid up in bed after a day of watching our daughter. Second, MIL is visiting us at what is still currently my parents' house, where my parents still live, and my Mom doesn't exactly get along with MIL... so there's a bit of tension when the two are around one another (something that I don't feel comfortable having my daughter exposed to).
My reservations with this is that (a) we have a disabled person caring for our girl for what I know is a short period of time, but still, she's PHYSICALLY CHALLENGED. We only agreed to this situation because DH would feel too bad/guilty if he denied this visitation, knowing that his Mom doesn't do much during her weeks, fights depression, and looks to her visits as the "absolute highlight of every week." I fear for the physical well-being of both my MIL and my daughter. (b) this situation has already set up expectation of visitations from MIL, which then makes DH and I look really bad if we break the cycle... but I'd like it if our little family had the flexibility to make our own schedules and not be bound to anything (besides work, of course).
Don't get me wrong; I am humbly grateful and understand that we're lucky to have two grandmothers that are so willing to help care for our wee one, but it seems to be creating more tension than it's worth; not to mention that I still have strong reservations about everyone's physical well-being.
Can anyone help??? I know this is a very particular situation, but do I go with my mothering instinct, or just play nice and hope that nothing happens?
This is a very tricky situation. I think it would be best if you could find a way to invite your MIL to VISIT on your Fridays that you're not working. Or maybe make the drive to her house on the weekends. That way she gets to see her granddaughter, without the responsibility, and you have peace of mind that your daughter's safety isn't compromised. You could tell her that you are very grateful for her desire to help out, but hate to see her so tired out from looking after a very active baby who is probably soon going to be crawling and walking - how will she manage it? If you phrase it that you are concerned for her well-being, she hopefully won't be insulted. You can be kind but firm. If she insists that she's fine, really, you just say again, no, my conscience just won't stand for it. Then reiterate that you can visit often so she can still see your daughter. Do like the politicians do: just repeat the message you want her to hear. Good luck!
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T.M.
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Boston
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Go with Sylvia F's advice. It's very prudent.
You can't and shouldn't compromise your daughter's safety on account of your mother-in-law's feelings and desire to make money. It's right to let her visit with her granddaughter but the fact that she can't reasonably care for her, plus the other factors you mention, make it unfeasible for her to take care of her alone. Visit when you can (at her house, not at your mother's) and call it a day. Give yourself permission NOT TO FEEL GUILTY!
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K.P.
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Providence
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Hi E.,
I am in a very similar situation. My MIL desperately wants to be an active part in my now 3 year old son's life, but she is physically unable to handle it. When our anniversary first rolled around after our son was born, my MIL was very insistent on babysitting while we went out. I thought DH actually handled the situation quite well. He put it back on her, asking if she thought she could.... and then listed situation she wouldn't be able to handle. As sad as it is, she cannot be alone with our son. And it was important she realized this for herself. What we did was to arrange for a weekly visit when I am home. This way our son has someone to play with and Grammie gets her time and I get time to do things around the house without having to worry about entertaining my son. It's worked out nicely and everyone seems to get what they need.
I hope you find a good solution to your own sticky situation. I now how hard these things can be - especially when you are dealing with in-laws.
K.
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D.B.
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Richmond
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I don't think playing nice is in anyone's best interest. I see two different ways that may work to approach this- one is less than honest, but less confrontational. Imagine something that could happen with the MIL watching your daughter that would be impossible for your MIL to handle with her disabilities. Then fib- tell your MIL whatever it is happened this past week when you were with your daughter & it just made you realize that her watching daughter would clearly be too much for her. You're very sorry if you're disappointing her, and you'd still love for her to visit whenever she wishes (or whatever arrangements you may have).
The other is to just consider this practice for all the times you will have to say "No" to others in the course of parenting- your daughter, your mother, other parents, your MIL again- trust me, in the course of parenting from birth to adulthood you'll be saying NO (and possibly hurting someone's feelings) a million times at least.
