Impact of Divorce on Kids

Whether or not divorce has a negative impact on kids depends greatly on the circumstances of the divorce. Leaving my second husband was one fo the best things I ever did for my daughter.

As a child of divorce, I can say that the impact it makes is all about how the parents handle it. I had a great childhood and I loved both of my parents equally. It was not until I was an adult did I learn how nasty they had been to each other during the divorce itself. Neither one ever spoken negative of one another to or around me, so I never knew. I knew I was loved and wanted by both, so I was fine. (By the way I was 5 when they divorced)

I was married and had my own kids when my parents divorced. It was still really hard for me. Especially trying to do holidays and visits for my kids. Explaining to little kids why you cant go see grampa at the same house with grama was difficult and disappointing to me. I never got to know my grand parents and was so looking forward to my kids having a better experience. They ruined it all. I have a lot of friends who divorced, multiple times and said their kids handled it fine. Well, Ive seen their kids, and they are not fine. It still is so shocking that a person you once loved so much you couldnt stand to be apart, a person you wanted to have children with, and spend the rest of your life with, can become the person you dispise, hate, want off the face of the earth, and think will harm your kids if they get to breathe the same air. Im not nieve to the things that can happen, but sometimes it is just such stupid little stuff that causes couples to break up. And so many have no clue, and give no thought to what it means to the kids. I dont think counseling is anything more than making excuses and convincing kids why they should be ok with the terrible thing their parents did to them.

I did not take my daughter to a therapist during our divorce but she was very young at the time (2 to 3 years old). Her dad and I are usually very good about not saying anything in front of her or belittling the other person. We have gone to dinner as a group to celebrate her Pre-K graduation and even had my significant other with us. We try VERY hard (and it is hard) to maintain a healthy relationship in front of her. I have screamed, yelled and swore at him when she is not around but NEVER in front of her. It is hard but i never want her to wonder who do i hug first when my mom and dad are together because she doesn't want to upset either one of us.

In regards to visitations what do you want? There are some traditional visitations which are once during the week for a few hours and then every other weekend. THis did not work for us so we made our own. As long as you both can agree to it then it will be approved by a judge. We did some very unusual things that people don't understand but it works for us. If you want me to share how we did it I can..send me a msg. I just wanted to say do whatever works for you both. Take into consideration your work and life schedules and find a good balance for both of you.

1. I am a therapist who regularly sees a therapist. My daughter was only 18 months. I agree with the others who state it depends on the behavior of the parents. You can always take your kids later if need be. I was glad to have the good place to vent when I had no friends who were divorced and needed a place to put my feelings so I could get myself together for my daughter.

2. In CA, it is fairly tough to get legal custody unless your childrens' father has a criminal record, substance dependence, or he's giving up legal rights to his children. Courts don't like to do it. If you feel he is truly a poor example of a man, then you may want to fight for legal, but if they love their dad, may not be such a good idea.

I have shared legal but sole physical custody. My ex is a great dad, we communicate well and don't talk about ill feelings (immediately after there were many. Now, not so much) in front of our daughter. Ever. And it shows. We have a very lose custody arrangement but basically we work it out ourselves: one to two nights plus one weekend day. She never spends the night with him to keep consistency: he doesn't push it, she doesn't want to - it works out well.

I will say if you do not like the way he parents, the original custody arrangement is thee most important and will be looked at in future years. All other judges will base their decision according to original document. Of course things can be amended, just be very careful/clear about what you want the first time around.

Very best to you. Such a strange time!

Please keep in mind..... I am NOT coming down on you. This is my experience.

I was 13 when my parents divorced. We were never taken to any counselors, etc.

I was super close to my maternal Grandmother and my Mom's sister. I was actually closer to them tham my own mom. My mom HATES this.

My brother and I harbor a lot of resentment for the selfish route our parents took with their decision. It was like, well, we are not in love anymore, we married too young, we'll move on all will be ok.

Well, everything is not ok. As kids, you live with that divorce ALL your life. You are torn between 2 families. My parents were amicable, no fighting, no bad mouthing each other either.

Prime example... I am almost 50. I dread going back to MS/AL to visit family because I get pulled from both ends to spend time with me, me me. I am going back for the first time in 4 1/2 yrs in August. My mom is already mad at me because I am visiting family on BOTH sides and not spending the majority of time with her.

I was po'd, I responded "you chose to divorce, YOU were able to move on, party, get married again and again because YOU were not in love anymore and you wanted to live happily ever after". That means ... "I am torn between 2 families to this day, I have people upset with me because I don't spend the same amount of time with him, her, them, whatever". I said "This is why I purposely live a plane ticket away from everyone"

This is just my experience, a LOT of it has to do with divorce, a LOT of it has to do with Ihow 2 families argue over my brother and me, and I personally feel I was born in the wrong place because I do not fit in rural AL/MS.

When I was a kid, we saw a therapist after the divorce and it helped.

The schedule varies by the state and the situation. It is very common for one parent to have every other weekend, but joint legal custody.

I also agree that part of the impact is the way the parents handle it. If they keep their kids from being pawns, then it will be much better for the kids.

Yes they had therapy. I spent lots and lots of money.
No it really didn't help. The social worker at school helped more. They still have issues. Take your money and go on a vacation with them.
There was a very specific schedule laid out by the court. Oftentimes Dad
forgot it or didn't show up, etc. Divorce can affect people in a lot of ways.
I think it is your attitude that is presented to the children. Once in awhile I see divorced people whose children seem to be very happy and well adjusted and I think it's because they are not belittling the other parent and are very involved with their children's lives and leave their mutual issues outside the camp. Parent's problems are the parent's problems. If the children are in school let the children go to their school activities. I also think Dad and moms who live nearby help the children get through life together. It is very painful for one parent to move away. It 'punishes' the family. Rambling I know, and you also have to have the cooperation of the former spouse. And usually that is why people get divorced: because they don.t.