Immature12 Yr Old

I have a 12 year-old daughter and she hasn't jumped on the furniture in years, nor have her friends. This is NOT just normal behavior for a 12 year-old, but an indication of lack of effective discipline and understanding of the value of things. As for the other behaviors, it's hard to say from your description if these are "normal" for his age, but kids will continue to use behaviors that get them what they want.

Of course a 15 year-old girl and a 12 year-old boy won't want to "hang-out" together. They are at two very different places in development and interests.

I am a stepparent (for 28 years) and a bio-parent (for 12 years) and I disagree that stepparents come here to complain and blame. Stepparenting is HARD. There are more people and dynamics involved, and I applaud you for asking for advice and wanting to make things better in your household.

In my opinion, every "blended" family should have a good family counselor handy, because difficulties will come up. A third party can help both you and your husband have your say and bring some new suggestions to the table.

That actually sounds pretty typical for a 12 yo boy (you can't compare him to when your daughter was 12, girls are totally different). I have a 12 yo boy, this sounds like him and most of his friends. If mom is really strict I'm not surprised he pushes the envelope with dad, that's pretty typical even in two parent households. Try recognizing when he does something responsible or acts more mature, the positive attention may help. You can also try sitting him down with dad and explaining the behaviors you would like to see him work on, then establish a reward if he does. Coveted apps on the phone/iPad/iPod work well for this age.

Dad may very well feel guilty, but that isn't going to help his son in the long run. And Mom may be perfectly justified and have a well thought out (and sound) reason for suspending meds during the summer (many kids lose their appetites and don't eat on certain ADD meds during the school year).

So.. don't blame mom.

Maybe you could convince your husband to have some family counseling, so that the can better learn what is appropriate for his son. Being Disney Dad isn't it. But as step-mom, you may not be the ideal person to tell him this (just like his ex wife isn't). A third, neutral party, is who it would be best coming from.
Leave any comparisons to your 15 yr old daughter completely out of it.

You two really need family counseling. Find a counselor who deals with blended families and ADHD. (I'm guessing that's what your step-son is on medication for.)

If he won't go with you to counseling, then you have to decide if you can live with this.

Typical dilemma in step-parenting. I'm a stepmother and I can relate to the differences in a "weekend" child - dads want to be Good Time Daddy and not make it such a rigid environment that the child never wants to come. If your husband has guilt about not spending enough time with his son, he needs to address that by spending more time. If he can't because of a rigid visitation schedule, then he needs to get rid of the guilt because it's not helping and it's beyond his control.

ADD meds are a whole issue unto themselves. They cause side effects and it's frustrating when kids are on them as well as when they go off them.
Sometimes they cause personality changes which are uncomfortable for the person taking them even if they make life more pleasant, at least at first, for others. So what's the best choice? Hard to say.

The real problem here is that you and your husband do not agree. It's made worse by the fact that he and his ex don't agree and don't compromise. So the son has no idea what's coming next, and he has no idea how to behave or control himself, even if he wants to. So of course he acts out to get attention. And he's getting it.

The answer may be, in part, for you and your husband to come to some understanding (and maybe you need some help from a counselor) because this is affecting your marriage.

You also are trying to protect your daughter and your furniture, and maybe that's not giving this boy enough flexibility when he comes into a new environment on a weekend or for a 1 week summer vacation. He can sense your irritation and disapproval. Some kids also play off the different opinions of their parent and step-parent - if you and your husband allow this, you're making the problem worse.

And your husband has to step up and be a father, not just a weekend party planner.

Go ahead and set up something separate for your daughter to do so that your husband and his son (and maybe you) can do something together. Most 15 and 12 year olds don't get along perfectly anyway, and boys can be later to mature in many cases.

If you can find a water park or a movie that all would enjoy, great. If your daughter can have a sleepover at another friend's house, fine.

But the biggest problem is that you and your husband are so far apart on this issue. I'd start there.

Have you ever heard of the "Restitution Model". It is the system our school division has been using for discipline for the past few years. The idea is that children will behave in an appropriate manner because it is the right thing to do and they want to do the right thing, as opposed to a punishment/reward system. Anyway, the first step of this method is to make beliefs, then rules based on those beliefs and share them with the group. So some beliefs might be a) In this house we respect property and b) In this house we believe in safety. So a rule might be a) We don't walk or jump on furniture (because it damages property and it is unsafe to do). The beliefs and rules are agreed to by all members of the group and make up a social contract. You can find lots of info on the restitution model on line. I find this method really works, especially the beliefs/rules. It is very possible he doesn't get why he can't jump on the furniture, especially if dad lets him or mom lets him at home.

my friends 13 year old boys is exactly like this.. runs jumps.. goofy.. boys are not like girls.. boys mature slowly very slowly..

back off and let dad take the lead with his son.. if you try to discipline him.. you will become the evil step mom..

The problem is not your stepson. He acts the way he does around his dad because it works.

The problem is your husband and his ex. One and/or both of them are the ones being immature. They let their dislike for each other override the best interests of their son. They need to grow up, and get into therapy together to learn how to co-parent.

While I think he probably needs more discipline from your hubby (not giving in to him, staying firm, etc), please understand that kids with ADHD do mature a bit slower. Also, they like to be the center of attention. Jumping on furniture sounds like the "H" in ADHD!! Using humor as a distraction...yep, you guessed it! No, it's not an excuse for bad behavior and certainly not for manipulating or pouting, but please understand that he may not be able to control some of his behavior. My 10 yr old is not medicated during the summer and I often find myself looking for her "off" switch!

I agree with Sue-step-parenting IS a challenge. My step kids mother is very unstable. Their behavior sometimes reflects this. There are times when he and I don't agree.
But, were in it to win it, so I work it out. If the kids aren't getting along-I propse an activity I know they will all enjoy. If his ten year old is acting two-I remind her that two year olds don't hang with\call their friends. Etc.
A man at church today told me that his daughter discovered through trail and error that giving her son coffee helped calm him (head ADHD). He explained that many of the meds contain stimulants, so she decided to give him coffee instead of his meds in the summer. So, next time he jumps on the couch sit his butt down at the kitchen table with a nice iced coffee, lol.

It's not your stepson, it's your husband. When my 13 year old daughter behaves a certain way with my husband that I find immature... she'll cry, pout, put on a show... he'll often give in when I wouldn't and I look like the bad cop. I've caught her advising my youngest daughter, who is 9 years old, to do the same thing when their dad says no. I was shocked, but asked, "Why would you tell your sister to do that?" She said, "Because it works, Mom. Every time. And Mom, you can't be mad. Ibby told me to and she was right." Ibby is my SIL's 16 year old (a wonderful girl, sweet and brilliant, but she does have her daddy wrapped around her finger).

I've told her to knock it off since I'm on to her now, but I know it happens if I'm not in the house. I'm debating telling my husband about this tactic. Considering we have three daughters he probably needs to know. ;-)

But seriously, even if you tell him that it's a tactic and he does nothing to firm up the discipline in your home that doesn't mean he has to be as strict as his former wife is with the boy. He just can't abdicate parenting completely, which is what he's doing right now. And he's doing it partly to spite the boy's mother in addition to guilt, from the way you describe it.

So maybe some parenting classes and some family therapy.