"Im Just Not Ready"

You don't say where in Il you live but I have my daughter in a very good preschool with several locations and one of the things I really appreciate is that they do not have potty training requirement but will work with you to get there. I also have to say I think being with other kids and seeing them go potty is a very motivating factor. Keep in mind 3 years old for boys are also considered early for being potty trained and he just went through a major change with the move and might be holding onto the only thing he has any control over. I would start putting him in underwear and make him help clean up. Don't yell or punish, it does not make any difference. With my daughter I found a set of little dolls she really wanted and she earned them. One for going potty twice, the second for staying dry all day, the next for gooing poopy ect. It worked because she felt a sense of accomplishement. Good luck and know this, I have yet to see a normal kid go to school in daipers. He will get there even if it will feel like forever to you.

If he can talk, he can go to the bathroom. I would imagine that he must have heard some adults talking to come up with "I'm just not ready". I say stop buying the pull ups and put him in underwear because the more time passes the more of a challenge it will be. Explain to him that he is growing up and that means he has to use the bathroom like a big boy. I hope it all works out for you!

For over 2 years, he's been pushed to use the potty. I'd say take at LEAST 2 months (3-6 would be even better) and do not mention it once. Not once. If he makes any mention of it, be totally nonchalant. Sure, honey.... and then drop it again.

The Central Nervous System has to *completely* rewire for potty training, and under any stress (for children) or extreme stress (for adults), it reverts. So even if one WANTS to be trained it's just not possible until the nervous system is ready. It's harder, actually, because when one wants to and can't, one gets very emotional which takes away any ability to. For adults, we lose *partial* control under stress (ever notice you *always* have to pee right before a test/interview/party/etc.), but unlike kids we only lose full control if we're terrified. For kids, they lose control at the slightest provocation.

By 3 going on 4 your son is probably ready CNS wise, but there's so much drama/excitement surrounding the potty that any control he has gets yanked away by that same CNS in response to the adrenaline (either out of excitement, fear of disappointing you & family, or plain old fear itself).

So I'd say drop it. Completely.

"Force" is, for many children, counterproductive. This is a developmental stage, just like walking and talking, and in most circumstances, just like with walking and talking, the child needs to be in control. When he is, the training can happen almost overnight, or maybe a month with diminishing accidents by the week.

It's possible your son is simply not physically able to recognize his urges realiably or long enough in advance to make it to the potty, and the alternative would be to take him every 30-60 minutes in the hope of getting lucky most of the time. This is NOT training, it's just a coping strategy.

A fair number of children, most often boys, don't reach the necessary degree of physical/emotional development until 4.5, or sometimes even later. A pattern of chronic "force" or pressure can result in a child who's unsure and resistant, perhaps distressed by his sense of parental disappointment. And distress pulls the awareness away from the bladder and into the head and chest, and possibly increases urgency when the bladder is full. (I have to pee like crazy when I'm nervous, and I have a friend who doesn't notice she has to pee when she's nervous.)

All this is to say, if you can find a way to give your son more time with your blessing, he may get there faster. I think it's amazing that he's able to tell you so clearly that he's just not ready. That could be some real wisdom emerging from his little mouth.

By the way, you might want to experiment with diaper liners to make stools easier to contain and clean up. I have heard of parents using these in underpants to good effect.

You do it by telling him that he is too big for diapers and taking them away. Throw away the pull-ups, get some training undies (gerber), and tell him that as of tomorrow, he will be the big boy he is: he will use the toilet. Then tell him that you will help him. He is more than old enough to train in a day or two.

There is a direct correlation between parental motivation and child motivation. Overcome your own fears of pushing him and get him on a routine.

I took my son to his future preschool and the teachers gave him a tour. He saw some things there that he REALLY wanted to play with (the sand table etc.). Once he found out he could start doing there once he was potty trained he actually became motivated and did it himself. good luck!

Feel free to contact me privately if you'd like as I can totally understand since I have a 4 year old with sensory processing dysfunction and therefore has been considered developmentally delayed. Strong willed can be an understatement when it comes to sensory integration disorder. Well meaning advice as it is, not having pull-ups/diapers available, to just stop buying them, was NOT an option with the sensory issues. The stronger you push a child, especially if the child is sensory avoiding, the stronger they'll push back, as they have a real hard time feeling safe/comfortable with the environment. So I would suggest letting the topic subside for a while if it's become a battle. Then after it is a non-issue, go back to encouraging him to sit on the potty maybe with an incentive if needed. Of course a ton of praise when he does go on the potty. My son with the sensory issues was 3 when he potty trained. I thought he was so far from being trained and then he began staying dry all the time. He still insisted on wearing a pull-up for WEEKS while keeping it completely dry and then I was able to get underwear on him when I distracted him getting him dressed and then he was okay with it. He had security in the feel of the pull-up/diaper and was resistent to the all new feel of underwear. Don't know that it helps, but that's kinda what we went through. As far as day care, have you considered a home day care that would be less critical for the child to be potty trained. Maybe there's a home day care association near you through which you could find providers? Also, the early intervention district preschool has helped incredibly with my son. He's in his second year (they CAN start as early as 3, but we waited so he would be there for the 2 years before kindergarten and not almost 3 years since he has an October birthday. Plus he was WAY too sensory avoiding at an early 3 years old so he did private OT for that year which allowed him to work through a lot of the physical sensitivities so we could then work on the social/emotional without his being COMPLETELY overwhealmed. Best wishes to you!

See if you can find a daycare to work with you (explain the developmental and sensory issues if needed). Perhaps if you say you have been working on potty training with him but are taking a break so he can adjust to a move and new daycare they will get it. I would imagine with the extra issues he can be overwhelmed in a new situation. since forcing things with potty training doesn't work very well, you may have to back off for a bit and go back to it in a month or 2. I had to do that for a long while when I had a second baby (just under 3 years apart).

It took my son a long time too. We started at 2 and a few months in pull ups and went to underwear just before he turned 4. He still argues with me when I tell him to take a potty break or wets just a little if I let him go when he feels like it. He can be dancing around with his legs crossed and says he doesn't need to go right now. He poops on his own in the potty but needs an adult to wipe (my friends with older kids say this stage lasts to 6 sometimes!) It is a long and frustrating process for us parents!

You get him potty trained by being strong willed yourself.. you are the parent and need to overcome this fear of pushing your child into something that he should be ready for. First pull-ups are nothing but diapers..get rid of them (except maybe at night) and use regular underwear or training pants to let him feel the pee/poop and I gtd you he won't like it. Also take him to the bathroom every 2 hours even if he says he doesn't have to go. Routine is the key to training. I did this with my youngest, who is very strong willed, and he was trained within a week at age 3. The longer you go the longer it will take to train him. Good Luck!

Your son told you, "I'm just not ready." That's a reasonable answer. Respect it. Ask him, "When do you think you will be ready?" Let him answer, and set a date based on that. Put the date on the calendar, put the calendar on the fridge, and count down to that date with him, Xing off the days. When he has a choice and control in the matter, I guarantee you, on that date he has set, he will use the potty. Spend a few more bucks on diapers and wait a few weeks.

OR, you can continue battling every day. Which method sounds better?

Hi K.,

I understand what you are saying because my 4 yr. old son did the EXACT same thing. He even went as far as to say, "I'm not a big boy, I'm a small boy." He knew exactly what to do and was able to do all of it at his will. He was just adamant that he was not willing to move to the next phase of his life. I don't think there's much that you can do. Or, at least there isn't much we found we could do....if I remember correctly, it was aproximately....nothing.

We just bided our time, waited until we had moved and everyone got used to all the transitions, and made sure we avoided the biggest battle of wills of this day and age. When he was ready, he did it. It was 2 months after he turned 4. But he was good in something like 2 days and that was great.

It will happen, but the more you try to force it the more you could cause its delay, so be careful.

Now's a really good time for the serenity prayer.

L.

I think Riley has the solution. Just don't mention anything for a couple of months. Let him relax and enjoy a few month without a care about potty training. If your son has some developmental delays and sensory processing isuues he needs time. They will potty train themselves when ready. If you lay down the law and "make/force" him into it, you could run into a lot of problems. So what if he is not potty trained yet. I was a professional nanny for twenty years and some of my kids didn't potty train until 3/4 and they are just fine. When he is ready he will let you know. I would talk with him and make it fun and take the pressure off. Make sure there is a reward system, ie sticker chart, tokens or small treats. It will be the connections if I do this I get this. I used stickers and just put a postboard up and whenever my son went he could put a sticker anywhere on the chart. No rhyme or reason to it. no major reward for the stickers. The stickers worked for him because he loves stickers. Try and find something that will work for him something visual usually works. Good luck!

Some kids will start going if mom totally and completely drops the issue. ONce the pressure (and attention) to the action is gone, they'll decide that they are ready. If you try it, go one month. See if it works.

Good luck.

Personally, it sounds to me like he's heard an adult talking too much. A four-year-old just doesn't say to someone "I'm just not ready" without having heard that idea somewhere. It would be a cold day in you know where before I would be changing a poopy diaper on a 4 year old. No offense, that is my opnion. Stop buying the diapers, deal with the messes for a few days...just don't plan to go anywhere during that time...and buckle down and do it. Stop giving him the control and he'll figure it out.

I have a developmentally delayed son that I wanted to use the potty. We waited and waited and finally when he was almost 4 we decided it was time. Most important is if you make a decision stick to it. You started your son way too early so now he has a negative reaction to the potty. No big deal. You just have to change it.
Tell him its time for him to use the potty. Don't ask him. Remove all diapers and pullups from the house, that way you won't be tempted to use them. Take him with you to buy him some big boy underwear that he likes and tell him, "Tomorrow is potty day! You get to start using the potty tomorrow! No more diapers, no more pull ups!" Don't expect him to be happy about it, since he's done this potty training thing for so long he'll probably through a fit.
Take him to the potty every hour and make him sit on it. It took 2 weeks of cleaning up messes for my son to potty train. First he just wet his pants. Then he would sit on the potty, get up and pee on the floor. Then he started hiding in a corner to pee, so we wouldn't let him out of our sight for a second. One day he held his pee for 12 hours! He sat on the potty but refused to pee, then he finally got up and peed all over me! At that point I was getting very discouraged and was about at the end of my rope. But then when he thought we weren't looking he went on the big toilet all by himself. He continued going while we weren't looking for a couple of days, then he switched to wanting us to go with him.
We did lots of praise and a lolly pop (that's his favorite candy) when he went. Just stick with it

My only suggestion would be to ditch the pull-ups and use only undies. He will be much more uncomfortable when wets or soils himself. It won't be clean, easy or fun! But pull-ups are diapers and he knows that he can use them to go potty in. I would still make him clean up all wet accidents and then help him with the poopy ones. You'll def have to make a schedule of potty visits (like once every 20 minutes) until he figures it out. And if you let him pick out undies with cool designs it may help because he won't want to lose them to accidents that can't be washed out. Good Luck, he'll get there :)

My friend has a son who was 3.5 and very strong willed as well. She just potty trained him by explaining to him that until he chooses to use the potty he can not make any other choices. So he was not allowed to choose things he normally would--like what clothes he wears, what sandwich he wants, etc. Every time he wanted to choose she said "Until you choose to use the potty you don't get to choose that!" He told her he did not want to play her game!! He got mad about it, but it worked becuae she stayed firm! Just a suggestion!!

Good Luck!
L.

I was going to say to get a little tougher. I know that everyone says you can never be firm in any way regarding the potty stuff, but to be honest, my daughter would still not be trained if my husband didn't finally yell at her after months of refusing to go after she knew how because she didn't want to. She instantly snapped into gear and never looked back. I felt silly for spending so many hours and months cleaning up messes, going to the bathroom with her all day, comforting, consoling, keeping a happy positive tone and basically encouraging her to never get on with things because she liked all the attention. With my son, we've done a nice balance of firmness (Making him go, not waiting until he wants to, using a firm voice from time to time if he tries a tantrum on the potty because he doesn't want to go) as well as rewards and tons of praise and hugs and he was trained in a week, and very proud. Sometimes, "I'm not ready" means "I don't want to" and when you're too accommodating, they never want to move on. However, with developmental delays, I agree you should get guidance from a daycare or organization who specializes in his issues. Good luck-it's so hard! Oh, we skipped the pull ups this time. They really hate going in regular underwear and it's great incentive not to.

My son started to potty train late because he was shy. Thankfully a daycare center accepted him and worked with him NOT potty trained. The routine of going every hour made him go finally. Then I realized he would have accidents only to find out that the reason was because they did not give him privacy at the bathroom. He wanted to have the door shut and from then on, he was fine, mastered it and was doing it by himself. So give your child the benefit of the doubt.