my husband has been on a rampage for 3 days. what started it is this- my friend who is a man is in town. he got stranded out in riverside at mid night and called and asked if i could pick him up and take him back to where he was staying about an hour away. i told him to let me talk to my husband and ill call him back. i woke him up and asked him and also gave him the option to come with me. he said go ahead and no he didnt want to go. (this was the same day he chose to sleep alllllll day). so i took a 20 out of his wallet to put gas in the car and left. when i dropped him off i call my husbands phone he didnt answer. so i texted him and let him know i was on my way home. my friend also gave me a 20 for gas.
tuesday is my grocery shopping day. he gave me 80 dollars (not even enough for food for 2 weeks). i told him that i was taking an extra 80 out since i have some things to mail and i needed to 2 birthday presents and our dd easter dress. so i did my shopping and didnt even get 3 bags of groceries. this made him mad... i told him 80 dollars doesnt get that much. i got him the frozen dinners he had to had (or he would complain about having nothing to eat), bread, 2 packs of cookies (for my daughters weekly play dates), 2 loaves of bread, turtle food, my medication, sausage, and milk. well he then screams at me last night because i didnt get lunch meat. i told him it wasnt on sale and i wasnt going to pay 5 bucks for it. my total came to 75 dollars. i figured he would be happy i didnt go over but i was wrong.
anyways today was no better he texts me saying i need to quit spending his money and that im worthless and an f-ing b@#$%. that i had no right to pick of some man he doesnt know and STEAL money from his wallet to do it. then told me i was gone too long. i asked him if he thought i cheated on him (he didnt answer and with him its as good as a yes). he just goes on to tell me im stupid and i need to be committed because im crazy and all i do it hurt him.
i told him oh yeah poor you mr victim. you dont even know how you treat em because you see it as ok. you want to tell me that i blow money (on groceries!) but you spend 50 dollars on lenses for your shooting glasses that you didnt need and could have waited for. then you have the nerve to yell and scream at me about buying groceries.
i then asked him what happened to us. this isnt what married people act like. this isnt how a couple shows they love each other. i told him that we are strangers when it comes to each other anymore. he them calls me a stupid b2#$!. and not once did i ever call him a name. and i told him that its not ok for him to talk to me like that.
im just at a loss of love feelings and anything else i could possibly have. he even told me that he cant even wait for me to move so he could be happy and have money.
he told me we are poor we shouldnt be buying brthday gifts or anything. so i told him fine no more birthday gifts etc. you dont get a birthday gift, no mothers day gift for me, no birthday gift for your mom, your brother, your dad, nothing anymore. im done.. i have been praying that when we move it will get better but im loosing all hope for my husband and i. i just feel so lost and im so hurt. he doesnt even seem to care and tells me that im the mean and hurtful one.
i looked up the child support calculator and he would be paying me almost 400 a month if we were to separate. usually spend around 300 a month for groceries and thats shopping every two weeks. thank you all so far for your advice. what hurts me most is the fact he thinks i cheated on him. when i didnt and i wouldnt.
sandy i have no where to go. we share a car and with out that car i can not get to work. i am really in a pickle...
the car is in his name only. and when hes mad he reminds me of it every time that its HIS car.
the car was bought 2 months before we were married. i do have my own account now so i can try my best to save every cent i can with my check. he is also mad that he is no on that account.
i want to go to counceling for us but he wont go because do to my work hours i can only go after 230 and he refuses to sacrifice any sleep. going alone for myself wouldnt be bad but its not going to fix the issues between us if hes not there to show both sides.
cheryl- i did not spend any grocery money on the gas to pick him up. the 20 was for gas anyways. plus with the money (a 20) my friend gave for me picking him up he got it back and it went in the tank. i never make a big deal about gifts for myself. he makes an issue if he doesnt get anything on holidays, birthday etc. our child will always get gifts etc for these things.
i know that if he got called in the middle of the night to go pick up a friend that was a woman he knew and i didnt i would let him go because i see it as the right and helpful thing to do. i wouldnt assume he cheated. he knew that it would take an hour to go get my friend, an hour to take him to where he was staying and an hour to come home plus i asked him to go with me and he declined. (yes there was someone here to listen for my child).
Due to a million interuptions from kids I only have time to quick let you know that I don't think that he thinks you cheated on him. He wants you to think that he thinks you cheated on him so he can control you with guilt. FWIW :)
Looking at your pattern of questions I would say you are in great need of a family therapist. Not saying your husband is a saint because he went over a line here but you pick fights with everyone in your house, well your mother in laws house.
This just scares me because it seems like someone is going to explode and you have kids there.
You guys need major counceling. Also, see if your county website has a free child support calculator. If so, fill it out with his income and yours and him getting the kids 48 days out of the year (every other weekend) and see how much money he will be PAYING to support his kids. I'm sure its more than $80 he is complaining about. Maybe that will wake him up. The grass isn't always greener. Good luck.
Wow. I am SO sorry, I cannot believe he called you those names and treated you that way. It is COMPLETELY unacceptable.
You are right that $80 buys very little in groceries these days. If he does not do the shopping, he may be unaware of this (still, not an excuse for going off on you like that).
Honestly, I think you truly need to decide at this point what you are willing to put up with and if this is the kind of life you want. He can change, if he wants to and is willing to do the work, but I think it may take you putting your foot down before anything changes. My dad treats my mom a little bit like your husband treats you...maybe a little less swearing, but lots of belittling, over very trivial things. They have been married 30 years and now that all us kids are out of the house, she is starting to think it is time to get out of such a disrespectful marriage. I wish, truly, that she would have put her foot down years ago. Sad to say, I always secretly wished they would divorce, because we all had to tiptoe around his mood swings.
For starters, and of course, this is totally what I would do, but I realize that this is not my marriage we are talking about, but what **I** would do is, first, when he is fully awake and not just coming off a long shift, I would sit him down privately and explain that that is the LAST time he was going to call me a name. EVER. I would tell him that marriage counseling was a MUST and that he can help in choosing the counselor but that staying together in the same home was contingent on counseling for a min. of 6 months. If he agreed to that, I would explain that the cost of groceries does not go far these days, so he can either choose to do the grocery shopping hisself or with you, or he can participate in making a list and you will show him the cost breakdown of each item before you go, so he understands where the money is going.
Honestly, if he will not agree to those terms, I know a separation would be hard in some ways, but it might also be a relief to be away from the mood swings, not being able to rely on him for help, and all the unpleasantness of living with his family.
Wow!! There's a lot more going on here then just the groceries, your husband is disrespectful and sounds like he's fighting his way out. The car if purchased during the marriage is considered community property even if it's in his name only. He can report the car stolen but if the cops know you took it they may not even take the complaint. Just giving you a little bit of a retraction to his threats. If he is like this with you, how is he towards your daughter. Why does he feel it's ok to call you a b@*#h!!!! I hope he doesn't treat you this way in front of her. She will grow up to think this is how men are supposed to treat women. You both need to fix this for her or you need to get you and her in a better situation. By the way i'm not suggesting you steal the car but only remind him of what's your's is mine and what's mine is your's this includes the bank account. What ever is earned during the marriage is both of yours so he needs to get over it. The two of you need to resolve your issues and work through them before you move because moving apart doesn't mean the problems you are having will mend themselves. Your move could turn into the beginning of your seperation. I'm sorry for what your going through but be strong and fight to make a happier situation for your daughters sake.
You are in a situation where everybody has been at everybody's throats for a long time.
Money is tight, you are living with your inlaws.
You have been in a state of constant conflict over one thing or another.
I really think you should get some couples counseling, especially with your impending move to another state with your daughter.
I think you and your husband are both holding resentments and you need to get those out on the table and addressed.
There is always the chance that absense will make the heart grow fonder, but if you don't work to get things somehow straightened out before you leave, it might not end well.
This is just my opinion, but presenting him with how much he may have to pay in child support to prove a point might not go over well either given your previous posts. Not to mention the fact that you are planning to move to another state with no job to go to. If it got ugly, you could find yourself having to provide transportation for liberal visitation.
I live in California and I have seen this happen.
I think with all the stress that your marriage has been under is really taking it's toll and everything is totally amplified.
I really think that you should enlist a professional to help you sort all these things out.
Your local health department can give you references for family counseling at low or no cost.
I would take advantage of any resources you can get your hands on.
Again, just my opinion.
Best wishes.
J., I remember a lot of your story living at your MIL's house and your relationship with your husband. Jo W. is right. Both of you have a lot of anger about a lot regarding your relationship. If you don't get counseling, I would worry that something bad is going to happen between you two, and your child doesn't need to be witnessing this.
You need to have a separate bank account to put money in. You really do. And you need to talk to several women's shelters in case you need to pick up and leave - with the car.
Since he doesn't understand how much food costs, he should have to do the shopping so that he does get it. Just let the frig get low - feed you and your daughter peanut butter if you have to so that he has to actually set foot in the store and shop. Tell him that you will go with him - but he has to figure out how much things cost. Otherwise, you will always have him acting this way.
And, yes, make him pay the grocery bill. Not you.
Things won't get better no matter where you live if you two don't get some counseling. He's made that clear.
Please re-read what Jo said - you need to hear that in your head and acknowledge it in your heart. It takes two to work things out.
Dawn
I agree that he likely does NOT think you cheated on him, but wants you to think he does so that he can feel like he has the upper hand while you're not getting along.
You both said some hurtful things, and I know that you only said the things you did because he said them first AND he baited you into saying things. If he can bait you and get you to lash out at him, then he can't possibly be entirely at fault, right?
The best thing to do when he starts making accusations and raises his voice is "don't rise to the bait." Remain calm. Try not to respond. If you must respond, stick to, "I can see that you're angry/upset right now. It would probably be best to discuss things when we're both calm and ready to talk rather than angry with each other." Then walk away.
Set up a budget. That means laying out exactly what you're paying for rent/mortgage and the bills and utilities each and every months that don't change. Mortgage, car insurance, health insurance, car payment, tuition, loan payments, etc. Then add in the predictable bills that you have every month that might fluctuate a little: cell phone, telephone, groceries, electricity, oil, gas, household cleaning products, prescriptions, standing medical appointments, etc. Compare those things with the amount of money coming in. List the things that you're consistently paying for, both of you, that are NOT necessities and can be sacrificed.
Get marriage counseling too.
Is the car in his name? Both? Then it is as much yours as his. Take it and go somewhere else. There are shelters and they would make sure you got to work and back. They would help you save money and help connect you to the resources to get you the things you need to get on your feet.
No one deserves this kind of treatment.
Sounds like you need to get you and your daughter away. Do you have anyone who would take the two of you in for a few months? She should not have to deal with all this unhappiness in your house. Stop pretending that keeping the family together and letting her finish school are the best things for her. She's being exposed to huge family fights on a daily basis, get her out!
Have him do the grocery shopping once or twice. Give him a list of the basics that he MUST come home with. a list of 'nice to haves' and the $80. See how well he does. Make sure you include toilet paper and laundry detergent on the MUST list.
He has anger issues. He gave you the "ok" to go that night to pick up your friend. Did he forget that? Give him your friend's number and tell him to call him to find out "what happened". Your husband has anger issues. Money is tight for everyone these days. What I could buy a year ago at the grocery store for $100, I cannot get today for the same amount. And don't get me started on gas prices. Send him to the grocery store with the $80 bucks in two weeks, and tell him to figure out how to make it last 2 weeks. He's unreasonable and ridiculous, and he truly has no clue. Yes, cutting back on the gifts you give can help financially, but then you stop "living". You stop enjoying the little things in life. You don't have to spend a fortune on gifts, but they mean a lot to the giver as well as the recipient. It makes you feel valued and appreciated which is so important in life and especially a marriage
I would tell him you will no longer tolerate the name calling. If he cannot have a civilized conversation with you about his concerns, then you need to find another place to be, or kick him out. Seriously. No one deserves to be mentally and emotionally abused, and that is what he's doing to you. If your daughter sees or hears this, she is learning that this is acceptable behavior on your and your husband's part. Is this what you want your daughter to think? That it's ok for daddy to be mean to mommy all the time?
You need to beg him to seek anger managment/counseling, and you as well. If he refuses, I think you have your answer about the state of your marriage.
Good luck, and don't forget that life is too short to be unhappy.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It sounds like a terrible time. I would recommend marriage counseling for you and your husband, and if he won't go then therapy for just you. I can only imagine how much it hurts having your husband calling you all those horrible things, and it has to be awful for your daughter to hear them as well. I read that you guys were broke so maybe in Redlands is a place that offers counseling on a sliding scale? Here in San Diego, a YMCA offers that service, local colleges do as well.
Please take care of yourself, and your precious daughter...
I feel you. My husband was the same way for a long time. (FINALLY much better now after almost 5 years. It has been a long battle. Still things to work on though.) What I found about my situation was this - he was projecting on me. Meaning, HE was the one with the guilty concious (sp?). He was the one cheating, lying, spending money behind my back. Honestly, the only reason I fought it out to stick with him is because we have 2 kids. My husband never did the shopping either, but he sure liked to tell me that *I* was the one spending too much. I started bring him home every single receipt from every single purchase I made, and showing him the match-ups to the bank account, and the amounts coming out of the bank account that were his. The whole idea that it is "his" money is ridiculous. My husband tried to pull this too. He "worked" for it so it was "his". I told him if that was the case then the kids were only "mine" because I was the one who did all the "work" for them. I guess many men these days do not have any pride or integrity or character in themselves to want to take care of their family financially. They seem to think they should get all the money from their "work" and then come home and sit on the rears because of how "stressful" and "tiring" it is, and the SAHM's shouldn't get anything yet do all the housework, cooking, and childcare 24/7. I was determined that mine wasn't going to get to ASK ME to have 2 kids with him, and then get to leave me to raise them on my own while he goes on to live his single life and send me a check once a month. I decided that even if I wasn't happy, I was going to live as kindly and civilally (sp?) as possible with him so that I could at least stay home with my kids, and he couldn't have his single lifestyle. In the process if things worked out for the better, then great. If not then I was just going to keep it peaceful with him. I would advise trying to do the same, and also try to talk him into getting a vasectomy. Why? Well, you tell him so you guys don't end up with any more kids that will just cost more money. In reality, so he can't leave you have have more kids with someone else and then conveniently not have any money to send you for yours. At this point you have to think of the big picture, and in essence be "one step ahead" so to speak. I wish you luck.
Forgive me, this may not be constructive, but ALL I came away with after reading your post is, "He's cheating on HER". Men freak out when they cheat and they (almost) always point the finger at the innocent party. The situation just sounds waaaay to exaggerated to be anything on the up and up.
Be careful.
My hubby would have had a fit if I tried to leave the house a midnight to pick up some other man he didn't know and be gone in excess of two hours! I wouldn't even consider going. I'd have to have told my friend sorry, call a cab or someone else.
Then, you spent YOUR grocery money to do it. And because you spent your grocery money for gas to help your friend, your hubby did not get something he wanted. Doesn't matter what it was - the money is to feed the family not put gas in the car so you can go help some stranded stranger.
As for all those gifts, my hubby and I rarely give each other birthday, xmas or anniversary gifts. We just don't put that much emphasis on getting gifts for each other. We would rather spend that money doing something together. And as for extended family, we have such a large one, that no one expects others to get them gifts. Our family just doesn't place that much emphasis on gifts - we give of our time and spend time together doing things. That's all the gift we need.
I will say that I don't think your hubby should have called you those names. There is no excuse for that.
