I'm at Lost with How to Discipline My 5 Year Old Son

Hi A., You have a lot of good responses here so I will be brief. There is one thing I have done in the last month with my 5 and 4 year old sons that has dramatically changed their behavior. And it is so simple. I never thought I could do it and imagined it would make my life miserable, but it has not. I have completely cut out TV, except on the weekends. The first shock I got was that the kids did not put up much of a fight. I did this cold turkey. One day my husband and I just decided they were watching too much, so we turned it off. When they asked for it. we said, "Nope, only on "S" days (Saturday and Sunday). But how about if we draw a picture instead?" And they were fine! In fact they loved it, becauase (to everyone else's point) they were getting more attention from us. But they also learned that they love to draw, practice letters and numbers, and actually play with each other more than they love TV. And I cannot tell you how dramatically their behavior has changed. Almost overnight, they became more verbal, less angry, less frustrated, more patient...honestly I know it sounds unreal but it is true. If TV is a big part of your son's day, I highly recommend eliminating it, just to see where his mind will take him. I also second everyone else's advice to spend some alone time with him and let him talk to you about whatever is on his mind. Even if I do just a few minutes of this every night with each of my boys, it is where I learn more from them than any other moment in time. Good luck.

i can figure out how busy u r and ur husband... i am a full time nurse with 3 kids ... and my husband also travels a lot abroad ... i experienced the same thing as u have now with ur son ... spend time with ur son once u get home from work ... ask him to tell u stories, how he has been doing in school, ask him about his classmates, teachers...stay with him when he watch TV, try to relate with him, pretend to be like a classmate to him while u watch, laugh when he laughs, ask him about what he understands in what u r watching ... bring papers and pens and draw simple cartoon characters with him ... talk to him more often... i believe, ur son is just trying to get ur attention a little bit more...
i should know, i experienced exactly the same with my 5 y/o son before...he was too naughty in school before, his teacher told me...the principal in school even called my attention before. We all suspected ADHD before ... i talked to our doctor, so i modified the time i spend with him ... Now, my son is top of their class... everyone in school knows him now...they call him THE GENIUS...he speaks english fluently...he is the only one doing that in their school... He is always chosen to compete with other school...He loves watching TV, i watch with him...he picks up english words easily ... his memory is too sharp ... He now knows how to appreciate...he'd say, mom u look fabulous, lovely, ravishing... that started when i tend to notice and appreciate every good thing he does...i sometimes pretend not to notice the little mistakes he does, i focus on the good things and his attitude and behaviour changed... God bless u!

I feel for you. As a teacher i have met many really great parents with challanging children. You have gotten so many great suggestions about positive disipline and more attention. Foods and tv can be serious culprits too. Since you already got such great advise on those things my only peice of advice is this... ADD and Adhd and other disorders are seriously over diagnosed especially in boys. I am not saying that you shouldnt get your son evaluated but see if you can find the source of his frustration first, and try some of the more natural and common sense things before you medicating or labeling.
E.

A.,

Wow! You have a tall order for such a little person! I hope he can sort things out with you, the rest of the family, and school.

Just a suggestion on what not to use: Don't touch the subjects of Food Clothing or Shelter. Any one of the three being threatened to be taken away or amended significantly can harm a child.

Take him by the hand - instead of repeating instructions. Walk him through things. No, you shouldn't HAVE to do this - but you might and not know it. Gentle patience will help a lot.

You need to find out HOW he learns. Is he hands-on? Is he someone who needs to be shown first, then do? Do first? Is he upset visibly or does he lose interest if he doesn't get it right the first time? Just some instances - that doesn't cover everything.

You may need to do research on your own - find out what he needs to accomplish in the classroom ahead of time, and practice it.

ADD/ODD/ADHD all are acronyms that generalize several disorders and (often) don't describe or treat the underlying circumstances entirely - if at all. Beware of someone who gives you a one-size-fits-all response for your son, too.

He may be feeling the need of his father's influence in the home too. Balance is very important to children.

Remember: Children weren't born knowing how we want them to act and do things. Some need to be shown more than others, too. Sometimes they get it right - but don't know what they did to make it right! Some even shut down once they have gotten it right, and forget how to do it, too.

It's like learning to be on time. Yelling at your child that they are late and holding up the family doesn't help them learn what steps to take to make it so they are not falling behind. (just an example).

Patience in addition to the love you already have for your son will help immensely. That, and researching and practicing and not looking for a single cure-all.

Good luck!
M.

"We have tried all types of discipline - time out; taken aways toys; no tv; no snacks; spankings; positive reinforcement and nothing seems to phase him."
I think perhaps consistency would help. It seems you have been trying too many different things. Whatever you chose WILL phase him, he just might not show it. It is frustrating to put a child in time out and NOT have them complain, but it does bother them. I had a 2y/o that would put herself in the corner when she touched something she wasnt allowed to, but she soon learned to control herself. Your son is having problems controlling himself and needs help. There is no reason you should tell a kid 10 times to do something. Count to 3 and immediately give him a consequence if he hasnt responded. Tell him you are counting and what the consequence will be..then do it. In my experience time out works best...HOWEVER my timeouts meant face in the corner, no peeking. Sitting in a chair watching the family, seems to me like fun. After the time out explain what he did wrong and tell him why it was wrong. But be consistent and swift.

Hi A.,

My first instinct would be to ask his doctor for any screenings that would rule out ADHD or OOD etc. I have a great pediatric neurologist in Rockland County.

It sounds like he's really stressed out.

I'm guessing he has a nanny or is in daycare? Look at how his caregiver really treats him when he's with her. Bullies tend to be kids who are bullied. When you do spend time with him, be sure to make some time one-on-one, and do not include his baby sister.

Make a behavior chart, Let him place a sticker next to his name for each day he keeps it together. To start him off being successful, you could even break the day into parts, how many mornings did he do well, how many dinners? A day worth of stars gets a small reward. A school week full of stars gets a treat of some kind, like an outing with dad, or that new collectible he wants, etc. If he's misbehaved, he doesn't get the star and has to try again later. If he's misbehaved in school, he has to remove a star.

Most of all be patient with the discipline you use. Tell hime every day what you expect of him, and tell him you know he can do it, because he is a wonderful kid. Stop yelling and hitting, pick your battles and follow through.

It takes time for a child to understand cause and effect. And I don't think kids should be spanked for bad behavior. It only teaches them that they can hit someone they are unhappy with, and people with power do the hitting... After all, the most important person int their lives hits them. So what can be wrong with that?

Val

It is really hard to be a mom nowadays. We work full time, take care of our homes and try valiantly to raise healthy, happy children in a tough world. We do the best we can. You should give yourself credit for doing all of these things.

My strongest advice is that serious behavioral/chemical issues aside (and it doesn't hurt to have the school evaluate him), I would have to say that it looks as if he is crying for some "Mommy" (and Daddy) attention. He just started big boy school, and you both work full time. He doesnt know how to deal with the big world, and how to explain that he might be feeling scared, or intimidated, or shy, or something else. And instead, he is acting out. Spend some one on one time with him every day. Make him feel safe. Make sure that he understands that his behavior is not appropriate, but teach him the right way to communicate and understand his own feelings. A little goes a long way with kids. Working full time might not give you quantity time, but that doesnt mean you cannot give quality time. Best of luck!

Hi A.,

If you have not done so already, please take your son to a doctor. It is not typical for a child so young to already have multiple trips to the principal under his belt. There may very well be something underlying his behavior that the proper treatment (behavioral or otherwise) would help. He might not be seeing well and becoming very frustrated. He may have a developmental delay which makes it difficult for him to abide by class rules. He may just need a super-firm hand and some loving time with Mom and Dad...but you should find out so that you can give him what he needs.

You have a beautiful name, by the way.

I have found the book "1-2-3 Magic" by Thomas W. Phelan, Ph.D. to be very effective. When I first read it I did not think it would be, but if you follow it completely it really makes life pleasant. You may want to get the opinion of the school and your pediatrician on the possibility of ADD/ADHD. Good luck.

Take a look at the book 'Positive Discipline for Toddlers'.

Dear A.,

Nan D said it perfect, be consistent,firm,and make sure to follow through with consequences don't just threaten. Eventually he will know you mean business. Make sure your husband helps you both need to be on the same page. My philosophy is pick your battles, and when you do make sure you win or they will run all over you. Good luck!!

Hi,
I hope you don't take this the wrong way but it sounds like what your 5 year old wants is attention. You all seem to have busy schedules and maybe you ought to try slowing things down. I bet if you give him some one to one time he'll do better. Make plans for a special mommy or daddy date with him. Good Luck

Well, and we all do this, he knows that you don't mean what you say. How many times do you treaten him before he actually gets the time out. How many times do you say "Do that again and I'll..." before you actually do ... Well he knows that too. He knows "mommy is going to tell me 4 or 5 times before she is really going to do it, so he plays up to that. Stop doing that (trust me I do it too). Say it once and then follow through. Be consistant. If hitting the dog means a time out then everytime hitting the dog happens then time out happens, no exceptions. I just started reading a book that tells you to put a high back chair (like a dinning room chair) in the middle of the room and put a timer on so your child can see what happens. If he gets up add a minute. Let him know what is expected of him everytime you leave the house. It really comes down to consistency.

I agree you should talk to your son's teacher and principal and have him evaluated. Some of these behaviors are very typical for Sensory Processing Disorder (especiallly not keeping his hands to himself, and discipline efforts not working). This is a neurological problem, not a learning disability and is often overlooked, even by professionals. But when overlooked for too long, it can turn INTO learning problems and conflict with teachers. Check out this website and see if some of the characteristics of SPD apply to your son:

http://www.spdbayarea.org/sensory_processing_disorder_che...

There are other great websites, but this site has a convenient checklist of symptoms.

Good luck figuring out how to help your son,
K.

Hi. Im sorry I dont have time to write more so the tone of this may be nto what I mean, but.... if you both work full time, the real question here is what's going on before school, after school? is he there 8 - 6? that's alot. if not, who is brining / picking him up? the rhythm of a child's days and weeks are so so important. if they feel secure in that, discipline will be easier.... i am also a fan of the rocking chair vs time out chair - he sounds like he may be crying out for some tlc attention. see mothering magazine's website for acticles on this. good luck, i know its a struggle but it sounds like you are on the right path - for loving vs punitive solutions!
alex

It sounds to me that he is trying to get major attention. 16 mo. old sister, now going to school, lots of changes. Could you possible bite the bullet, quit work and homeschool? Or become stay at home mom and get involved at his school? Like a helper in his class.
If this isn't a possiblity, talk with the teacher. Maybe by working with her and she sees you are backing her up you both can come up with ideas on how to curb this.

A. - I think Kellie R has it exactly right - Her recommendation offers a really good balance of more attention and positive discipline vs. quiting your job and taking him to the doctor. It does sound like your son is really crying out for some attention though and the demands of kindergarten might just be a bit much at this point. I found that to be true even 10 years ago when my daughter started. I'm sure it's even more so now.

Along with the one-on-one time, I really liked what Kellie said about picking her daughter up from school because it gives you a chance to at least say hi to the teacher and hear if something big happened that day. Also by the time you get home from work, it's way too late and far-removed from the issue to try to discipline him for something that may have happened in school at 9 a.m. By picking him up, he's more likely to remember what you're talking about when you ask him about a particular incident.

It sounds like your plate is really full - sometimes our kids have a way of letting us know that and demanding we take a step back to re-evaluate what we're doing.

Good luck to you - I know it's not an easy balancing act.

My son is only 3 and that's a lot differnt from 5 but I've seen the best results when my husband and I are very consistent and form a united front. If I'm having problems getting him to do something and my husband notices, he'll come and reiterate what I'm trying to say and I do the same for him.
I also think the defiance might come from a control issue. In my house I dictate much of what he has to do. He gets tired of being told what to do all the time so I let him decide when he's ready to do some things and that way he gets to control some aspect. If I want him to take a bath and he refuses, I walk away and tell him to "let me know when you are ready to take a bath" and in the meantime there is no TV or toys. He just gets to sit (or squirm around) until he's ready to cooperate. Once we started dealing with him this way, we used it for getting dressed, eating, going to bed, etc. and the amount of time it took for him to cooperate got less and less.
I found that my kid likes to test his limits frequently. My husband and I are always there to remind him that, as his parents, we do. And while I'm pretty sure I hated my parents when they used this on me, now that I'm a grown up I appreciate all their hard work.

Are you sure your not talkin about my 5 year old - lol! I am having much of the same problems, sent to the principle for using a scissor to cut school property, very defiant at home and not respecting his parents... We too have been trying every method but it doesn't seem to be working. Although at school it seems to be getting better according to the principle and teacher.

Right now we are using the taking privledges away - no computer time, no TV time, reomoving favorite toys for 1 week to start, after that they are taken to the "church" house for the children who don't have toys. I am hoping it starts to work!

GOOD LUCK!

That little boy simply needs his Mom. Spend special time with him each day.... read to him, hold him, rock him, talk with him.... make eye contact with him and encourage him to be open and honest with you. There is a special bond between mothers and sons (I have two sons, no daughters) and that relationship is very important in a boys life. He needs to spend time with Mom each day. Read to him, sing to him.... let him read & sing to you. Let him be who he is. Accept his personality, relax and enjoy who he is. Do all this with positive energy. He picks up on your vibs, so keep them positive. It's important to talk with him, and to listen to him as well. We all need to be validated, especially by our parents. Best of luck.
D.

I don't know what the specfics are with your son but I do knnow that Kindergarten is a huge transition for most kids and boys especially can have a difficult time with all the "rules". There is less free time/outside time/playtime - and boys esp need these things. I would take a look at your teacher's teaching style and how it suits your son. Does she give him opps. for movement when he needs it? Lots of positive reinforcement when he is doing well? Or does she only focus on the troubled areas? Both of my sons had a very difficult time in Kindergarten. The first turned out to have ADHD and sensory integration issues and is now doing very well in 5th grade. The second is now in 1st grade and doing wonderfully with a teacher who understands boys and kids who need to move around . . .it was all a personality and style thing with the K teacher and also a big adjustment periodfor him. I also can tell you that what has always worked best with my kids are positive reward programs - whether it be stickers you earn and trade in for prizes, time with Mom etc. Also - make sure he is getting some special time with you - since you work and he is now in big boy school he may feel uncertain. Good luck.

Mom,

Your son is reacting, which means he wants attention.
question is Why.

well your profile says both you and your husband work full time, and in addition you recently had a new baby which mean less attention for him.

Work is essential I understand.

BUT he has his needs aswell.

My oldest son has ADHD, he is now 12 years old,

I also have a 2.5 year old and a 4 year old

All 3 are boys.

First -- today make time for your son, without his sister present. take him out eat together, and play together.
then talk, explain first his importance to you, his place in the family and how proud you are of him, then tell him your expectations , whats acceptable and what is not acceptable

1. He is old enough to clean up his own room now.this is his new responsibility, ask him if he thinks he can do it? then whatever his response say I know you can do it, I am counting on you. and I know you won't let me down.
2. everyday immediately after school he is to complete his homework.
3. following homework he has 3 jobs
clean up his room,take out the garbage,
and feed the dog/cat/fish
( if you have no pets get him a fish)

Establishing these simple rules and responsibilities will work wonders ,you will have to remind him so just get used to it, but what your doing is creating a way for him to feel sucessful, and creating an opportunity to praise him for a job well done.

WE DO NOT GET PAID FOR THESE JOBS.

NExt he needs to be enrolled in an activity to help him burn off his added energy,

Sports are the best medicine , it teaches them time management, team work, sharing, patience, how to follow the rules, and many more.

In addition you need to monitor his foods, NO SODA, very little sugars. and NOTHING with preservatives

such as lunchables, HI-C Juice boxes, capri suns, no caffiene, no cookies that are particularly sugary and not in excess. NO candy and NO CHIPS, doritos ect NOthing with red dyes blue dye, green dye and No gatorade, power ades ect...

As soon as you midify his diet you will notice a considerable change in his behavior, he will have alot less agression.

When you need to punish him, he goes to bed with NO TV, tell him he can read a book.

When he is being punished, you may initially have to carry him to his room 10 times before he gives in.
you will be tempted to give up, but this is not an option.

there is ONE WARNING, ( eg. YOU DO NOT HIT, HITTING HURTS,
YOU DO NOT SCREAM/YELL YELLING HURTS FEELLINGS.
YOU DO NOT THROW THINGS in the house, THIS IS only allowed when playing BAseball, or catch OUTSIDE.
YOU MAY NOT push, this is hurtful and not appropriate,

NOW pay attention if your child is throwing because he is playing, you need to stop what you are doing and show him what he can DO, such as roll the ball, play bowling, ect.
he can roll cars, build with blocks ect.

IF you child is PUSHING, ask him WHY first. and show him what he could be doing instead.

IF they are fighting over a toy, NO ONE GETS THE TOY

IF HE HITS out of jealousy, or anger-- he goes immediately to bed, NOW

after he stops crying and carrying on, you explain that you are very disappointed in his behavior, and will not tolerate this, if he can not learn to control his hands you will be very angry and the punishment will be more severe

then remove his videogames, or TV from the room,

IF your Child is fighting in class, he needs to have his seat changed and moved. Have him sit in the front of the class.
and take him to the EYE DOCTOR To have his Eyes and ears checked ( the pedatrician is not acceptable)

My son has glasses however his vision is 20/20

When he comes home after the fight ask him why he was fighting and talk to him about it, calmly, then decide on the punishment together.

NO threatening, and you must follow thru.be consistent.

You never want to give your child a punishment which punishes YOU.

And Never say he can't go to his sports activity
this is his outlet, his medicine.

School is his job,

When he takes out the garbage you say thank you, I knew I could count on you, and praise him

Check his homework every night, and don't forget to ask how his day went show him he is important to you.

Cheer for him at his games.or activity, be on his side.

MOm I know your busy, but he needs your attention.

your family needs to be nurtured. so I suggest getting a calendar, and putting events and activites on it for family time. and its best if you do simple things like going for a hike in the woods,the library, apple picking, pumpkin picking. out for ice cream,fishing bake cookies together.ect..

the mall,and grocery store just doesn't cut it.LOL

and last little tip.

When the kids are demanding you attention. its best to give them 15 minutes of attention immediately, and then go back to whatever it is that you were doing. because then you'll have given your self 45 minutes to an hour of free time.

feel free to email me.
good luck

M

Hi A.,
I am so sorry to hear that you are having problems with your son. My sister in law is going through the same problems, her problem seams a little worse then yours, her son has already been expelled from school. She is looking into getting some counseling for him, because she doesnt know what else to do. I will keep you and your family in prayers and please keep us posted as to what happens.
N.

I was reading your request and it sounded all too familiar because I am in the same boat. I also have a 5 year old boy who started Kindergarten this September. He has been to the principal's office a couple of times and has been having the same type of behavior issues at school. He is a good kid and very smart, but his social skills are not always appropriate. I have been working with the school speech-language therapist because I found out he does not know how to use his words to convey his thoughts or feelings and he reverts to using his negative behaviors of using his hands or feet. She told us to give him the words to use, example: your child should say the name of the other child and say I don't like it when you hit me, draw on my papers, say mean things to me because it hurts me. I also have the school psychologist doing some observations in the class room and at a special area to get some insight and with my son he tends to be more unfocused when he has completed his assignment the teacher has given. She recommends the teacher to make the assignment more challenging for him so he would need to concentrate more and he would finish at the same time as the rest of his classmates. I also have heard that behaviors can be from a food allergy. You can also have the school test your child for ADD/ADHD by the school psychologist. We also use a chart method to help him see his progress for each day by using a number scale. #1 equals had difficulity, #2 equals needs imporvement, and #3 equals excellent. The teacher fills it out each day and sends it home with my son and my husband and I review it with him and sign off and return it back to the teacher the next morning. If you receive any good suggestions can you please forward them to me as I am always looking for new ideas/methods to help improve this behaviors.

Thank you,
A. G.

When thinking of the word discipline as it relates to our children I like this definition, "Training to improve strength or self-control"

Children at the age of 5 are exploring boundaries. Their own and others. Gentle guidance and teaching of what is acceptable behavior in group situations might be a helpful direction for you and your family.

Kindergarten can be difficult for some children in that they can't figure out how to get the attention that they desire. Some will "reach out" in seemingly unkind ways.

Keep trying different things and ask your child what the motivation is behind the actions. The child may need some extra one on one time with mom or dad to help find some balance.

The book "Playful Parenting" by Lawrence Cohen is a good resource to use play as a way to work issues out for children.

Some children find it difficult to sit for so long and need more physical outlet. Sometimes making sure that a child who has been in school all day listening to the "rules" is allowed some time to run wildly around a playground and yell and feel their own personal power.

Your patience and unconditional love will help you through this trying time.

Hi A.,

I have a 5 year old daughter that I too have been struggling with...the only difference being she acts up at home but is great at school. Anyway, I have been reading "Teach Them Diligently" by Lou Priolo and applying Scriptures in the training of my daughter and my 3 yr. old son and it has been helping. They are learning who God wants them to be and know that when we disobey God by disobeying our parents, hurting others, thinking only of ourself, etc. that there are consequences. Talking with them about what they just did that was wrong and why it is wrong, then letting them know the punishment (be consistent here...you don't have to use the same punishment for all offenses, but you should be consistent on what the punishment is for any given offense individually) and following through on the punishment is also crucial. If you don't see results right away, give it some time...one day, when you least expect it, you will start to see a change. Also, don't rule out the power of prayer...ask the Lord to show you how to train and discipline your child and ask Him to give you patience to endure. I will be praying for you and your son A..

God Bless,
C.