Ignore the Question

In my opinion, this isn't her son. This is her nephew. If she is worried about him all she can do is talk to his father and his grandparents.

I think it would be more traumatic for the child to be moved into her home. Especially if she starts calling him son and herself mom.

I see you edited. I'm leaving my original post below but the short version is:

On what planet does she think it's morally right to "take back" a child you legally adopted to someone else after that child's mother dies??? So my answer is NO, and I hope she doesn't seriously get a lawyer and put the family through more trauma. She should do the mature thing and leave well enough alone.

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If this is true, then she is out of luck. This is not her son anymore. Not to legally raise. She may not agree with his parenting or the grands, but she can't get the child back - she made the choice for someone else to raise this child and that's not something one should do lightly. The father has gone through a monumental loss and she wants to take his son, too? The child has lost his MOTHER and is grieving that loss and they want to continue the chaos and uproot him or put his father through a legal battle? How is that better for the kid?

If she was not involved in an open adoption, then she would not know all this and maybe that would be easier on her. Maybe SHE (and her husband) should take some of her own advice and get counseling for her reactions to the loss of her SIL and the choice to place her son for adoption with her brother.

I know of people who placed subsequent children for adoption at birth or shortly thereafter when they couldn't tend the kids they already had and it was better for the child, but there has to be more involved here than "oh, I have a spare kid". Did she place the child with the brother or did CPS get involved, for example? Just seems odd.

Per your ETA... while you've only had 10 responses so far... it seems all of us (so far) agree that NO it would NOT be morally right.

She's already his aunt. Being in his life / help as an AUNT is the morally right thing to do. Not trying to take him back / away from his father and grandparents.
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This isn't her son. This is her nephew. Which is a very key distinction.

I have no idea why she gave him up (my best friend was a #6 given up for adoption, because she was a 'surprise!' golden years baby. GREAT birth family, but mom was already gramma, and great gramma, and felt she couldn't raise a baby... so put her up for adoption. These sorts of things happen, but they're rare. FAR more common, in kinship placement/adoption is that the birth mom / birthparents are abusive, neglectful, or in active addiction)...

... But she gave him up. He's been legally adopted. His mom has just died, and his dad is grieving, and his grandparents are stepping in in the middle of a terrible situaiton, which is HUGELY LOVING.

And birthmom/auntie wants to stick her oar in? Not only start directing how people are grieving the loss of their mom & wife, but try and take her nephew away from his dad and grandparents?

How awful.

Auntie needs to step back. Not only losing his mother, but also losing his father might be what SHE wants, but I can't imagine being yanked out of him home and everything he knows and loves is what's best for HIM.

This is NOT her child anymore. This is NOT he son. She gave birth to him, but HE IS NOT HERS. She has NO legal rights. She can't just request the child "back." This child is solely, legally the adopted father's child. She gave up her right to parent, when she willingly handed her child to someone else, and they adopted him. There are no take backs.

This story stinks and is VERY fishy. She GAVE UP her own child, because someone else couldn't have any? Really? You just hand it over, like there is no love, no bond. Here ya go!! A MOTHER is going to hand over her toddler, out of the goodness of her heart? NO, I don't believe that for a second. She probably got the child taken away (or there was the threat) and now she wants a do-over. She needs to leave the child alone. He IS NOT HERS. She doesn't get to have an opinion on how he is raised. She GAVE UP that right. His mother just died. The father's wife just died. Now she wants to sweep in, because she doesn't approve of how the child is being raised. Guess what lady, you don't get a say. You gave your child away like a freaking puppy. Do you really think the child would be better with a woman who handed him away like an object, and "wants him back" him now that his REAL mother has died? Like she let a friend borrow a sweater, or something? What a bottom feeder.

Your co-worker is either a liar, a sorry excuse for a mother, a horrible opportunist, or worst. Who does that? An AWFUL person, that's who. Don't believe what she is saying, and don't give her any advice. Her story is shady, at best. Stay FAR away from her.

Oh, and what kind of person openly admits to co-workers they just handed their toddler to someone else? She is messed up, for sure!! My advice for her? Get therapy. And, don't GIVE YOUR CHILD AWAY, if you want to have in opinion about their lives. A birth "parent" only has rights, if they keep their rights. She handed them away.

ETA: Since you asked, if she really did seek to get this child back...she is completely morally bankrupt. I don't care how you defend here, for her to think about it, is even wrong. For you to defend her, is also wrong.

EDIT: I know our answers seem harsh, but based on the original question and story, it's very hard to wrap your head around giving a child up when they are almost 2 years old to someone because they can't have their own child. You would have to pry my son from my cold dead hands unless I knew I would be harmful to him.

Seriously - I can't imagine how hard that would be for the CHILD to be GIVEN AWAY. It really doesn't ring right. And if it is true, then she needs to accept that she is the aunt and let the family grieve. Her trying to remove him from the people who have raised him would just cause a ridiculous amount of pain for everyone.

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(original)
I don't buy this story at all. Your friend is telling a tall tale because there is NO way unless I knew I was a danger to my child that I would give up my TODDLER to someone because they couldn't have kids. Unless you meant to type days instead of years, this doesn't make sense. And if it is true as you describe, she needs to butt out because she's a hot mess and that kid would probably be better off with his adopted family.

The answer is she needs to see a lawyer.

But I'm concerned with who gives up a 4th child.

I'm also concerned with who gives up a toddler?

I'm also concerned with the judgmentalness going into "taking the boy back", with no acknowledgment that HIS MOM JUST DIED, and his father's WIFE JUST DIED.

Maybe she should back off and let them grieve?

But anywho - should your friend want to pursue this as something other than office conversation, she'll need to see a lawyer.
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I see your SWH seems to imply that the mom wants a moral answer, not a legal one. I think we all gave moral answers - leave the child alone.

But I'm very proud of you for offering to post on her behalf. Too often there are questions that are nothing more than gossip, posing as "a concerned friend".

I agree with others, this seems odd for all the reasons stated. She would need to look into the law but if the adoption was legal and she gave up her rights it would be the same as asking for her nephew who was by birth her nephew.

This poor child and father or going to have a hard time NO matter where they are! It sounds like they are doing the best they can under the circumstances and I don't think anyone is in a position to criticize. Plus, If she is 9 to 10 hours away how can she make a judgement about their life?

If she truly wanted to help she would offer to go there when she could, once, twice a month, every other month, to help them get back on there feet so to speak. Even to just go and take care of household chores, grocery shopping, cooking and freezing meals would be of so much more value than the hell she is planning to put everyone through. To even start this is just cruel and wrong in my opinion, no matter if there is a loophole in the law that would allow a child to be ripped away from his family after such a tragedy.

I adopted my biological niece and she came to me when she was ten days old....she is MY daughter!! I saw your full question earlier but didn't answer. No it is not morally right for her to try to take away a child when his mother DIED and his father is grieving.

I don't care if it is her first, fourth or tenth child...it is wrong for her to be anything other than a supportive aunt after the child is adopted. But go ahead and have her waste her money at an attorney.

Generally (there are ALWAYS exceptions to the rules) once a parent terminates their rights (especially voluntarily) it's VERY difficult to reverse that.

Add on top the upheaval this child has JUST gone through and the chances of a court taking him away from the father he knows ... pretty slim.

That is if this story your co-worker is telling you is true. If I were you I'd stay out of it and tell her if she's really serious she needs to seek legal counsel.

It seems to me that you DID get something useful for this woman here. You got that she needs to leave this alone, and the many reasons why. Not what she wanted to hear? Not what YOU wanted to hear? The reason you are appalled at the answers is that you didn't want the answers you got. You wanted people to tell her how to do it.

Quite frankly, you really ought to start looking at it with some objectivity instead of just being on the side of your friend. You come across pretty judgmental yourself.

Dawn

what was the question?

Doesn't seem THAT crazy to me. We don't know all the details.

All she can do is talk to her brother about it. See how he feels/reacts. I don't see it as morally wrong if the kid ends up in a loving home.