Ignorant Questions from Strangers!

I completely agree with you on this subject. I also believe that if a woman is pregnant, that a person shouldn't just assume it's ok to rub the belly. Or when someone has a new baby, for a person to just approach the baby and start touching them.

lol, My 12 yo is going CRAZY when she gets dirty looks while holding her baby sister! My 15 yo could care less! And OH when I was 22 with my step-son, 2 daughters, 2 foster kids and babysitting one more! I would get the most horible looks and oddest questions. Here is this young girl (I looked 12) with all these kids from different fathers! People would ask if they were all mine- to which I always answered Yes, I collect them and walked off. LOL

Actually - I just remembered this funny story - when I was a licensed realtor - I was holding an Open House and the two lady's asked me - when I was due and I said "Oh, I had him in January" and it was like Late February or March - not very long after (and I had a C-section and was a little overweight). I wasn't offended one bit, because I knew that I still looked pregnant (I had a big baby boy who stretched me like no other......(9lbs 2oz - 21 1/2 inches)). But the look on their faces was priceless. They were so embarrassed that they didn't really talk to me much afterwards. LOL Anyway - I thought I would share that story.

In my experience, insult is purely in the mind of the recipient.

People will always ask dumb questions, and you or I will never educate them to do otherwise. I have asked dumb questions myself, not meaning any insult. (I'll bet you have, too.) So if you don't intend to insult me, why on earth would I take upon myself the agony of being offended?

I have had my share of "moments" like when I took my 16 y.o to register for High School...had a 2 mo. baby at the time. I heard people behind me talking about "what a shame..blah blah" I finally realized they thought the child was his! Not that it was His and Mine or anything, but like the daddy! I turned around and said "Oh, you think this baby is HIS!" and I burst out laughing. Oh my goodness, what are you thinking? He's only 16....ha ha ha ha!!! and turned back around. I wasn't offended...but did think it was funny! Another time someone asked when I was due? I told them "I'll let you know when I conceive" end of that one. I wasn't offended though, I just figure they are not so bright! They own the problem not me. Another time I was pregnant and someone asked how many kids I have......I LOVE this one...I said this is number 5.....they said "don't you know what causes those?" I said..."UM...sex? So you've stopped having it since you don't want kids?" shut them up fast! Just took my daughter to the doctor and she asked if I was Grandma....I said no, mom. she was apologizing and I was thinking no big deal.....
I could get offended I guess, but I choose to put the problem on them and not take any ownership for it. I just figure people for the most part aren't trying to be fatheads! So I just find the humor and don't get offended. When I do get offended, I seem to carry that poison around a lot longer than they will........and they aren't worth it believe me! But I do sympathize. I'm not trying to join the ranks of the rude and insensitive. I just learned through living life, that I can either feel bad.......or I can laugh.

I know how surprised I was when I was asked if I was pregnant and the person had seen me walk in with my 4 month old. Long story short - this gentleman proceeded with his line of thought because it was terribly important to him I hear his joke about babies being born naked if mommy's lift heavy things while they're pregnant. All I can say is try to handle it with grace because you can't change people but you can choose how you handle it. It's alot less stressful to laugh it off than it it to stew about it. Hang in there!

Hi J.!

Your post made me laugh.

I'm not usually offended by all the questions I get, but I can empathize with your situation. In my case, I am a white mommy with a biracial daughter (black/white). She definitely took after her daddy and no one ever thinks she's my biological child!

Here are some examples:

"She's beautiful! Where did she come from?"

"What country is she from?"

"Are you her nurse or her mommy?"

To my daughter "Here you go sweetie - give this ticket to your...to your...to your person."

Q: "She's your daughter?"
Me: "Yes. My husband's from West Africa."
Q: "Oh (pause) is your husband black?!!"

"My best friend takes in foster children, too. God bless you." OK - that one was insulting - it insinuated that a child of color must automatically be from a disadvantaged background!

Thanks for the laugh! You're definitely not alone. M.

[chuckle] I used to have SO much fun with nosey, but well-meaning strangers. I have friends who are a bit overweight and have been asked when the baby was due, so I decided to go on a one-woman sensitivity training campaign when I was pregnant. When someone would ask me how far along I was, I would get a sad/hurt expression on my face and plaintively ask, "you think I'm PREGNANT?!" (I know. I know. I have a twisted sense of humor.)

My sister-in-law is 46 and has a five year old. She's always being mistaken for the grandma. It doesn't bother my sister-in-law who understands that these folks aren't trying to be hurtful or offensive. She just calmly informs the nosey, well-meaning person that, unlike the typical 20-something year old mother, she decided to retire from her career and then feather the nest before filling it with a baby. It shuts 'em up every time!

As another 40 year old mother, I totally understand. I was having dinner out with my partner and our son (16 1/2 months old). He was seated in a high chair in the middle of us. An older lady asked me if he was my grandson!!! My partner gets even more upset than I do when this happens....I get really uncomfortable. I think to myself, do I really look that old? Does my partner really look like she could be my daughter (there is 6 years difference between our ages)? I makes things so awkward...and this is the second time this has happened...and it is normally older (like 50-60+) women who ask this question...I realize that in their day, yes, you were normally a grandma by 40, but times have changed! Women now have started waiting until they are more financially and emotionally ready to have kids, waiting until their careers are set before they give up so much of themselves. But I guess we will just have to take things with a smile and politely say, "no, this is my child" :)
good luck to you, mama! :)

When my son was 6 months old I was attending an event out of town with co-workers. I was speaking with a woman from the venue and the whole time I was talking she was smiling, almost excited. She suddenly blurts out "I'm sorry! I just love to touch pregnant women's bellies!" and put both hands on my stomach. Yes..that's right. Not only was I not pregnant it was in front of my co-workers. Argh!!

Hi J., I was 36 when I had my son AFTER having fertility issuses. I used to get people thinking I was the 'nanny' at the park! Don't you just love it! Just because I was older and he has blonde hair and I'm brunette, and I don't have gray (yet!)
You can't tell about any of it anymore... so many different sernario's out there.
Just ignore them and enjoy your child, it goes soooo fast!
My son just finished 5th grade and is off to Middle School now.. he was just a toddler yesterday!
E.
Seattle

I sent you a private message b/c it was personal, but I forgot another one that's happened to me; apparently, children just "find me" and latch on to me in public places, and people always think they're mine. At the bank one day, I was depositing a paycheck and this little boy kept hanging around me and the male teller goes, "Oh, is he yours?" I said something funny; I don't remember what it was, but I TOTALLY *wanted* to lean in and say, "I just have recreational sex." Every time I'm in the bank, I think DARN--I missed my big chance.

LOL! I'm sorry! But I had to share this with you! I was working at a hospital when a CNA (actually an LPN but didn't want to deal with being a nurse) asked me when I was due....I said I'm not pregnant I'm just fat...he didn't say a word and never apologized! I was furious! Yes, I'm overweight but I thought he would at least apologize!

And I owe an apology...I had a child come to my daughter's birthday party with his cousin, who was older than him and I "assumed" that he was a cousin....actually he was an uncle. I however, did apologize! The mother was young enough to be a mother but I thought since her daughter's daughter was there...you are so correct, we should not assume! I've also had problems where I thought it was the child of the parent when it was actually the child of the parent's child....16, 17 yr old mom. So it can be confusing and if you work with people like I do, you tend to stick your foot in your mouth often. I will try to remember what you say so thank you for the reminder! And congratulations on your little girl!

I totally agree with J. T. My M. was 34 when I was born and 44 when my sister was born. M. had quite a lot of gray hair and I developed young. It was pretty weird when strangers assumed 12 year old me was my sister's M. and our M. was the grandma. This was back in 1957. Now, people assume that my 3 year old granddaughter is my daughter and my almost 13 year old grandson is my son. My hair is all gray, too.
Also, I was mortified when I had gained some weight about 10 years ago, and people who knew me asked if I was pregnant! So If you are not sure then don't assume you are.
Grandma Cheryl

Ugh! I'm 45 and have a 9mo. Due to a little bit of good genetics and the remarkable job my hairdresser does hiding the grays, I haven't been met with the "grandma" comment yet. I can tell you, however, that having a baby in my mid-40s means I'll never get my abs back. I am completely surprised that nobody has assumed I'm four months pregnant again. I know it's just a matter of time. Hang in there. There are too many great things about being a mom at this age to let a few thoughtless words get you down.

If it makes you feel any better, when I was in labor and being transported by ambulance to a larger hospital, the hospital driver asked my husband (age 37) if this would be his first grandchild. My astonished husband said, "What?" and the woman said, "B.'s your daughter, isn't she?" I am 34, only 3 years younger than he is. My husband has a little gray at the temples but does not look that old.... All we could do was laugh...

OMG this happened to me for the first time yesterday in the grocery store! I am 35 and a man was talking to my son and then asked if he was my grandson! I cried all the way home! I'm glad to know it isn't just me though.

Amen sister!! I have often said that I would like to broadcast a commercial worldwide that reminds people to keep their mouth shut if there's a question about anything that could offend or upset someone.

After having my first daughter, I developed a low thyroid condition. Most of the weight I kept on was in my stomach. I can't tell you how many times in the last three years I have been asked if I was pregnant, even recently when carrying my 4 month old! I want everyone to know how this has made me feel, destroying my self esteem and setting me back just when I felt good about losing a few pounds finally. I have cried too many times over this ignorant question! And how I love to make them feel as horrible as I do by responding with "no I'm just fat still, thanks for the reminder, and don't EVER ask anyone EVEr again!!"

And for that matter, don't comment on how BIG or small a pregnant woman is, or how big or small their baby is, any of these can make someone feel bad! I've responded with "I'm/she is as big as your mouth apparently". So glad you are speaking out about this, made my day! :)

Amen...this response is for my mom too. She got pregnant with my little sister at 44. She had the joy have getting grey hair very early in life so when my little sister was born EVeryone thought it The baby was my older sisters and that my mom was just raisingher. SHe would come home crying. At this time in the world it was unheard of for women over 40 to have kids so it was really hard for her not to mentiion we were 7 years apart so she was coping with having to start all over again. I agree though people should just keep their traps shut. I am mom to soon to be three and dont wear my wedding bands becasue they have some sharp edges and dont see buying another one just so people can think I am married. I have had people come up to me serveral times in the course of my motherhood and tell me how brave I am for going at it alone...and then I have had some women tell me I should really do something about my fertility if i am going to have children by different fathers. My kids dont look anything alike is where this statement is coming from..I was appalled by both statements with the first I looked at the woman and said "go it alone? But my hubby helps me when he gets home from work" The nerve of some people!!! Thank you for letting me add to your rant about it becasue it drives me up the wall as well!!!

Wanna hear something just as bad? My ex's grandmother (you know ...... someone in the loop, knows me, and should know better). One time asked me when I was due. I had been on prednisone off an on and it make me blow up and bloated in all the wrong areas. I was MORTIFIED!!!!!!!

So YEAH! I totally agree with you!!!!!!

L.

DITTO! I can not stand it when a very small percentage of people ask if my son is my grandson. I am 44 with a 9 yr. old. Give me a break.

Amen! I so agree with you! I am a 48 year old mom to a 9 year old. Most of her friend's parents are around my son's age (26). Sometimes I am uncomfortable being around the other parents, but most times it is cool. My daughter and I have the most unique relationship. One that is so different than the relationship that i have with her older siblings and I am grateful for this. So when I get funny looks or comments I just think of what her and I share and that makes it worth it!

I agree about the don't ask if they're pregnant. It's easy to put foot in mouth.

However, the other question is not a big deal. I have, because I had two - one at age 41 and the other at age 43 been asked by people with total confusion if I'm their grandmother or mother. I find it funny and I laugh about it. The key is not to take it too seriously.

When I first had my daugther I saw a neighbor just before I got pregnant, then saw him again almost 2 years later, and he had a look of utter confusion on his face and asked me, "Is this your granddaughter?" I laughed and said no, this was my daughter. We need to lighten up and not take ourselves so seriously.

Hi Jeane,

I am 48 and the mother of a 5 year old. I have been asked if I was her grandma on 3 separate occasions. The first time it happened I was sad all afternoon, but I kinda felt like the man meant to hurt my feelings, as strange as that sounds as he did not apologize at all. Now, after 3 times I am able to brush it off. It also only happens when I run out of the house without even looking in the mirror or brushing me hair. Try not to take it personally. I just say "I wish" knowing that it would be a lot less work!! Best of luck! I also found a supplement called StemEnhance that is making me look younger, have more energy and even be in a better mood! You can check it out if you want at:

www.luminouslife.stemtechbiz.com

I wish you the best of luck!

A. Rose

Hello J. T!
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I agree. People just don't have any respect and really need to mind there own business. LOL!

I'm right with you J.. I was 40 when I had my daughter--now 13--and have worked really hard to make sure I don't look like her grandmother (as I easily could be). I color my very extensive gray and take care of my skin, but at 53+ my age is showing and the question occasionally pops up from strangers. I try to laught it off, but it does make you feel really old.
At least we know that our late-in-life children really keep us young (how many 50-yr-olds can identify today's pop stars on the radio?).

Okay that has happened to me. I am 39 and was at Costco a few months back with my little son. One of the food demonstrators there says to me as I am coming by-----look who is shopping with his grandma. I told her flat out that I was his mother. She didn't apologize or anything. I was really ticked off. So, yes I feel your frustration. Thanks for writing and I wanted to get that off my shoulders to someone who has gone through the same thing.

When I am not sure, I assume that she is the mom and let her feel good about correcting me. I will ask the little darling, "Are you listening to Mommy?" Or something like that and then the Gma says, "Oh, I am her grandma." I figured as much, but sometimes it's not, so I err on the side of caution.

I learned the hard way about not asking due dates unless I was sure. There was another mom in my son's toddler group that we would have play dates with. She was thin everywhere except her belly, so I asked when she was due and she said she wasn't prego. Oops! I don't do that any more. I thought I was sure, so no more.

Anyway, don't let it bother you, focus on the treasure you have in your little one. Better late than never.

J.,

I agree! I am a 41 year mother of a 9 month old and when she was 4 months old was asked when my baby was due when I was actually holding her! Luckily for me my friend was standing next to me and replied, "Hello! She's holding her baby!" It is indeed very rude and I feel like these people need to be reminded of how rude they are being. BRING BACK GOOD MANNERS!

AMEN!!!! Very well said!
I have gained my weight in my middle section, so I look PG. But my youngest is 11, and my tubes are tied. I am so NOT PG.
It really bugs me when someone walks up to me and asks, "how far along are you?" or "when is the baby due?"
Thanks

While pregnant I was carded to see an R-rated movie and recently was carded while buying cough syrup for my son while he was with me! I'm 27. I look young, but I don't look 17! I can't help but just feel my blood pressure rise when this happens.

I think you are talking to the choir, so to speak, here. I hope you have made a point to tell these inconsiderate people that their questions are inappropriate and downright rude. That is the only reply they deserve.

I completely agree! I am a young mom, I am 24 years old with a wonderful almost 5 mo. old boy. I have been happily married for four years. Sometimes though when I am grocery shopping or just out and about I get these looks from older women like I had to get married or that I am the un-wed mother of a one night stand child. (I am not saying their is anything against that) All I am saying is people mind your own business!!!! I am all about being friendly, but seriously can't we follow the Bambi rule? "If you do not have something nice to say, don't say it at all!" Anyway, in conclusion... I agree with you!

J.,

I agree. I was 41 when my son was born 2 1/2 years ago. Even though I look in my 30's, my husband will be 47 this year and looks it. He gets many comments about being our son's grandfather and it hurts him to the core. I know when our son does start school, we are going to be referred to as "the grandparents" more and more and you're right, it is not right. We chose not to have any children until we were able to both emotionally, financially, and relationtionally (if that is even a word :o)). I wouldn't want to live without my son but I don't want him to start feeling like something is wrong with his parents because other people treat us differently because we are older. We do everything with him. We bike with him, we run with him, we swim with him and in a few years, we will fish with him, play baseball with him and everything else he wants. I completely agree with you. I'm hardening my shell again the onslaught to start soon. My young looks will only hold out for so long but I feel it every time my husband hears it too because even though he tries to act like it doesn't hurt (like all men do), it does hurt. He is his father and there is no greater pride -- other than being a mother -- than being a father!
R.

I am a 49 year old mother of a 5 year old and have had similar experiences. It feels so awful to have someone use the grandma word. I am sorry for your bad experience. I know how it feels. Congratulations on your wonderful baby!!!!!!!!

It doesn't really bother me that much but I TOTALLY agree with this one! I am a 42 year old mother of a 19 month old gorgeous baby girl and have been asked the grandma question more than once. I just responded with, "well thats pretty rude, but I am her mother if you must know" I think they usually feel like a heel and start back pedaling. Pretty funny to watch them try to "fix their blunder" Maybe afterwards they will engage their brain before their mouth.

I agree WHOLE HEARTEDLY. I actually have the opposite situation from yours. I am 25 and have a 3 year old daughter and a 6 year old son. I was young when I had my son, but to make matters worse I am often told that I look about 18. I am constantly being treated like the baby-sitter or nanny by strangers. It is VERY frustrating. I NEVER make any assumptions. If I see I child that I think requires a comment I always limit it specifically to the child. "oh, he is so cute" "or she is really smart" I never add anything about the caregivers or parents. I believe the comment is enough. There are others suffering from your frustration, so hang in there!

I have always been asked if I am pregnant by adults and a lot of children. Even at 56 I am still getting the question from children; but I have learned to handle it with humor even with adults. After the first time and feeling it was an insult (it happened at Disney Land after just having a baby they asked if I was pregnant when I was trying to ride rides) I felt pretty insulted. By the end of the day I had learned to just say it was my baby fat. Which it was! But I never lost that baby fat and the questions continued. I found it was easier just to say no it is fat. For it put the person in their place but was also to the point. If someone was embarased it was the person who asked because I determined it was not going to make me uncomfortable. And when a child asked when the parent was around I just let the child know "No I'm not pregnant but am over weight." Then I proceeded to let the parent know I was not embarrassed.
I now am taking care of my grandchildren and often people are not sure of what to say. I look like they could be mine. At 38 I had my last child. So people have always asked these "Ignorant question" but I have not allowed them to be negetive to me. It is in how you decide to react to their question that shows who you are. Best to handle it with humor.
S. Hull, been there, done that

Right on! I love your "suggestion", I put a "suggestion" on here and it was pulled because it wasn't a "request". I think we need to vent sometimes and maybe we will be lucky and the ignorant people we are talking about will read it! I'm a pretty straight forward person and I think these days we put up with too much from rude and just plain stupid people. I like when people come forward and say ENOUGH ALREADY! God forbid people learn to think before they speak or make sure the "advice" they give is actually factual. Anyways, thanks for the post, it was awesome!
-B

Hi J.,
I'm 44 and I'm a mother of 4 year old. I've been through the same situation quite few times. Just don't put it in your heart. When I'm appointed as a grandma of my son I would turn around and tell the stranger with a smile: " No, I'm the mom, We were blessed late in our lives with that happiness" or something like that. Believe me, the strangers are the ones who feels bad. Don't let that bother you. Let your dother see you smiling and hear the answer, very soon she will need that answer for her-self or her class-mates at school. Tell her the story of her birth and why you are older than the other moms. Make her proud and special of being your dother. Remember, she will need that story for the rest of her life. Meanwhile, try to make your-self looking younger. Be in shape, may be light make-ups, cover the grey in your hair, sporty cloths and etc., so you will look younger and avoid the comment. If you react like you are upset from that comment, this is what you are modeling for your dother, at the moment you are telling her that this is something to be upset and angry about. If you show how happy you are having her even late in your life, she will know that she makes you happy. Tell her the story and keep bringing it up every time a stranger will wonder if you are the mom or the grand-ma. This is an excellent opportunity to bring the subject and use it as a special bond between you two. Good luck!
P.S. Now, as he is 4, my son is the one that answers the "grand-ma question". He says: "No, she is my mommy and I'm a miracle baby!" and you can see the pride in his eyes.

You are so right to be annoyed. One time while I was 7 months pregnant, I was at the mall with my friend and her new born baby. My friend was just 40 and me 35 and this woman came up and told me how precious my baby was and told my friend she must be the proud grandma. She was mortified. We laugh about it all the time, but really she doesn't look old and I don't look that young and I was obviously pregnant. She didn't need anyone making her feel unattractive right after having a c section. What a dummy. It is the same when people tell you you should just have 1 kid. They don't know why or if you made that choice.Now I just make up strange and humorous answers to stranger's questions. It makes me feel better.

I agree with you totally! People need to learn to mind thier own! I think it is a great thing to start a family, WHENEVER you feel ready, whether that is at 18 or 48!

Blessed Be you and your family.

It is a shame these things happen, people will be people.
Heck, when my son was in college people would walk up to him and ask if I was his girlfriend or sister, and he would proudly say, no this is my mom! The first time I met people at my husbands work, they thought he brought his daughter to in. I will be 50 this month, it used to bother me,(especially when I was pregnant and would get carded) but now, I just smile. Heck who doesn't want to look in their 30's when they have a 31 year old? When someone asks I just say, I had him at 4 :).
What can you do? Just foget about it!!!