My husband was on my nerves last night and then he just got really rude. So I snapped back at him, and made the comment about him always thinking he is right because someone told him he was right his whole life, etc. Obviously I'm referring to my MIL.She and I do NOT get along, and probably never will. My husband and I have been married for 6 years, together 8, and have 3 kids. But his mom will never accept me. My husband is 17 years older than I am and he is black, I am white. I know she has issue with both, though my husband denies it. Anyways, when my husband was fired back in April, she told me it was fine for him to go play softball instead of find a job, who was I to expect him to attend events (sports games, dance shows, school parties, etc) for our kids when he didn't sign them up, it was my fault that he cheated on me 7 years ago, etc. I mean she is just horrible. And I know he goes to her when we fight about stuff and she tells him that he is right in everything he does, so that's why things don't change (though he has changed a LOT since we have been togeher). But I need to apologize to him for those comments and tell him I am working on not doing that anymore. I just don't want to start the fight all over again. I did tell him back in April that I would NEVER make him have to decide between his mother and I, that I would be civil to her, but have no respect for her as a woman. I did tell him that I expect to be treated with the respect of his wife, and not just a female his mother does not like. So do I bring it up tonight and apologize, or just let it go and keep working on trying not to make those comments??
Oh my gosh...okay, my husband is not a bad guy. He is a mama's boy - like so many men are. It does not mean that he is not a geat father and husband. Only his softball is a sore spot still, but that's it. I am good at saying below the belt comments and that is more what my post was about. I WAS WRONG!! Not to say he wasn't by being short, but my husband does not beat me, talk down to me or call me names, or do me wrong anymore. He plays softball, but he is not at a bar drinking all hours. All in all, I'd say I am one of the luckier women out there. I am working on not making the comments like I do when I am mad, but talking about it when we are both not arguing. That's what my question was. Thanks for the advice.
You could make a post it note and leave it somewhere you know he'll see soon after getting home. Just something short and sweet such as, I'm sorry for what I said last night. I was wrong. Please forgive me. I love you!
I think an air-clearing is always a good thing.
Tell him it is obvious to you that his mom doesn't care for you, but you will try harder to treat her with love and respect because she IS his mom.
You can tell him that you would prefer if he keeps personal things personal.
And you can apologize for the hurtful comment(s) you made last night.
Sweetie, if I haven't axe murdered MY MIL in 15 years--you can too!
If you read many of the posts you will know you are not the only one that doesnt like her MIL and vice versa.... it's a club and apparently you are a member, lol.
I like the sticky note idea.
Just tell hubby you are sorry for blowing your stack. I'm sure he will be glad the tension is over. None of like to fight, it ruins your day and your nights. Saying "I'm sorry" is the EASIEST yet hardest thing to do sometimes.
you are just lovely! i especially love that you have made it a goal never to make your husband make that terrible choice, all the while being very clear about your own feelings.
no one's perfect, hon. don't beat yourself up. just apologize to him and tell him it's a process, you're committed to continuing to improve. hopefully he is too.
khairete
S.
Make sure you apologize within 48 hours. Sometimes it take me a while to find the words and moment. Like you said you don't want to start the fight over again.
It sounds like the MIL says stupid stuff, but it is your husband's fault for sharing your private marital stuff with her. Why does she know so much about your business? He needs to stop telling her private stuff. Her opinions are dumb. He needs to put you first. Asking him to button his lip around his mom is not choosing between the two of you, it is honoring your marital vows. When you marry, your spouse comes first and foremost, and nobody else should ever be allowed to come between you.
first of all, all due respect to him as the man of the house, however, some black men, and i can say this cause i am black, have that "i am the man up in here" attitude and we bow down to them..however, i am a women of if you cant take it then dont dish it out. He being rude to you, yes, you have the right as a women and as his wife to check him on it. Also, he needs to be looking for a job, if momma said its ok for him to be out playing ball instead of looking for work, then she is sadly mistaken. First things first, and its in the Bible, NOTHING ONLY GOD comes before your family, when you get married, your MOTHER does not come first, you WIFE comes first, even before your children. My husband is extremely bossy, and once i got to know his mom, i could see where he gets if from, she he bosses our kids around for no reason at all, just because thats what the thinks parenting is, however, i am quick to say, "this is not ur mommas house" please and thank you is an order. Bottom line, stand your ground, sometimes you have to say things to get your point across, dont apologize...these are the times when we have a voice, along w/a brain, feel free to use them.
You didn't really specify what he did that got on your nerves, but all the other stuff about MIL, black/white, etc has no bearing on the fact that you and your husband had an argument. If it is something that bothered you, you have a right to address it. Make sure when you do, you don't do it in anger and judgemental, just express how he made YOU feel. Best wishes, but if the comment you mentioned is the only thing you said, then why would you apologize for you saying he thinks he is always right? Now if you called his mother something else, then you should apologize for that..
Why in the world would you put up with something like this 'relationship'? He's cheated on you, he doesn't go with his own children to important functions they care about, he decides playing sports with the guys is acceptable to finding a job to care for his family AND he allows his Mother to disrespect you all the time.
That isn't a marriage... it's possession, and you are allowing your children to see him and Grandma treat you so badly.
Maybe you should just own up to making a mistake and look about leaving him and taking the kids...
I agree with just saying, "I am sorry for letting my anger get away with me and I am going to work on not saying mean things." and leave it at that. Don't rehash it...chances are it will come up again. There is probably no way to end this type of thing between mil and son but what helps me is knowing that my mil is mentally ill (never been to a doctor to prove it but I just know it;) I actually feel sorry for her. I grit my teeth when she says stupid things and hold my tongue. Now that my kids are getting older, they do not like their own grandmother. I know my dh doesn't like how his mom behaves especially since his own children don't like her but she did it to herself and thankfully I chose the more Christian attitude and let her burn her own relationships...you know the old saying, "Give them enough rope and they'll hang themselves." Well, she did!
Try to keep focusing on what is right about your husband, why you married him and what it means to your children to have their dad with them. And also remember that what is right about him may have something to do with his mom (like it or not!). Don't let your kids see or hear you being mean. I promise you, as they get older, they will see it for themselves and if you have raised them properly, they will figure it all out!!!!
Good luck and God bless! Merry Christmas!
This is complicated-you 've been together 8 yrs-and he cheated at 7-you married him at 6. That was the day you as much said-I am not worth being treated like the wonderful forgiving woman that I am-and you are-it sent the wrong message-to both of them. Instead of doing everything in the world to earn back your trust-and cherish you-as a wife and the mother of his children-he chose to use it as a means of belittling you-and whittling away at your confidence-until now when you don't even feel justified in bringing up a subject that is hurting you! I am not a professional counselor-but I think you need one. I would say you're smart not to ask him to choose between you and his mom.Also-it is possible to have a discussion without character assination and name calling-both of which it sounds like you avoid. Just because you think you are being double teamed, doesn't mean you should be debased and demeaned. He always sides with his mother-and she with him-period. Not a big mystery. He also needs to suck it up and get a #$%^&* job-like 16 million of us are trying to do right now. I am working in my husband's office-I guess he finally felt really sorry for me-at less money per hour than my ex SIL who embezzeled thousands of dollars from his company-and still, I do appreciate it. Good luck-I am on your side!!
I don't know your hubby but i know what its like to apologize to mine for going to far in an argument. I approach him when is calm & content (watching tv or something) I cuddle up to him and say that I want to tell him something and give him a kiss without talking about it after. He loves cutting to the chase & appreciates the cuddle & kiss too ; ) Hope its just as easy for you.
if all is calm now just leave it. it was your feelings and even though you said it in anger you should not appoligize for how you feel. just leave it alone and keep in mind for the next time to just back off or not be so quick to make a not so nice comment about his mother.
