I Want to Move but My Husband Says No

There are a few issues here and if you are serious about wanting to move, I think you should do some homework to solve them.
1) You think you have enough $ to live on your own, your husband does not. To find out, track your expenses and make a budget. For 3 months, keep track of where every dollar goes. Then, make a realistic budget of what it would cost to live on your own - mortgage payment for the mobile home, electric, gas, TV, plus a maintenance fund for when the furnace breaks, etc. Can you change your spending habits to come up with that dollar amount?

2) Putting a home one someone else's land is troublesome from a legal perspective. If your grandma willing to legally split the plot of land and sign it over to you? If not, you are taking a huge risk, because when your grandma dies (no one want to think about this, but everyone does eventually), the entire thing could be taken away from you, because the land goes to her estate and not to you. Once you finish step 1 and figure out that you can afford to do this, then talk to your grandma and see if she's serious about letting you have that land - not just in theory, but that she's willing to legally sign it over to you.

I can understand why you want your own place, and living next door to grandma sounds like a great compromise. But you need to have hard numbers to make sure the finances work - not just "I think" or "he thinks" - real, solid numbers.

ETA: If you think that all it takes to maintain a home is the $150 mortgage payment, then I understand why your husband is hesitant. I think you are very naive. Yes, the home is $150. But if you want internet and TV, that another $100/month. If your home has electric and gas, I'd budget $50 each, if it's going to be all electric, then $100 per month for electric. Or you might need a propane tank, and you need to know the install cost, the cost to fill it, and how often it needs to be filled. And the $150/month for the mobile home probably includes a furnace and water heater, but not appliances, so you need to save $ for those also.

I'm sorry if I am bursting your bubble. I don't want you to get in over your head. If you can start saving $ now to cover the upfront costs (appliances, etc), AND do a solid budget showing you can afford the mortgage plus monthly bills AND grandma is willing to sign the land over to you - I think you and your DH should go for it.

Thinking you can afford it and knowing you can afford it are two very different things.

Get estimates of mobile home financing in writing from three different places. Ask about things like taxes and any other expenses that may come up - my parents live in a retirement community where the houses basically arrive on wheels and are towed in and placed on a slab foundation. Although their house is bigger than mine and looks like a traditional ranch home, it was considered a "mobile" home so there were some differences in financing the initial purchase, taxes (I think they pay an excise tax but not property tax or something), insurance, etc. Find out how much your utilities will be - how will you heat your home (electric? propane?), how much will cable or internet service be or can you run lines from your grandmother's house?, how do you pay the water bill and how do you hook up electricity, water, sewage, etc. and is there a cost to do so? Will you need to buy furniture or appliances? Will your grocery expenses increase (they might if you share the expense with your grandmother right now and rely on her pantry staples)?

After you figure out the true costs per month, get your husband to agree to set aside that amount in a savings account for 3 months. If you still have money leftover and it's not too painful to live on what's left each month, then you CAN afford it and have proven to him that it can be done. If you really can't, then this trial will show you what your shortfall is and you can then set a concrete goal, together, to close that gap and get a plan in place to move when you truly can afford it.

This situation sounds trying and hard. This is your grandmother, not his. So I can assume your hubby likes having spending money each month. Since it's cheap to be there he has a LOT of play money each month, you do too? Put your money to a good use. Pay for some classes or child care and get out doing stuff, away from grandma's house every single day.

He's not your father or mother. If you want to go to work then go look for a job. Find out if you can get child care assistance to pay part of the child care bill for the new baby. If you want to earn money there isn't anything he can do. If you filed for divorce he'd get custody since he is working and can support his children. You wouldn't be found fit since you'd have no income.

I would let my husband know that this isn't working and that you are not happy.

I would assume that Tennessee has a similar income/housing cost as Oklahoma. We paid $18,500 for a 3 bedroom, 2 bath mobile home and lived in it 12 years. We paid $40K for the 4 bedroom, 3 bathroom, 2 living areas, dining room, and study area home that we live in now. It was off a mobile home lot, used, but in good shape.

Mobile homes are not expensive, they are hard to heat in winter and cool in summer if they're not sealed well though. You do have to have the land set up/ready for a home. Either sewer hook ups dug and installed or hooked up to a septic tank. Your own septic tank. Then you have to get your own pole for utilities and a propane tank. Unless you're in city limits and then you just dig water lines, still get your own electric pole, sewer lines, and a new gas line with your own meter.

Preparing the land can take up to $10K. Depending on permits, where you are in regards to a city or in the country and what you have to pay out of pocket. We had to put down 12" wide/18"-24" deep runners that were at least 30' long before out current home could be delivered. That cost $6000. Then we got our own electric pole hooked up, it was already there. Had to pay an electrician to come do all that after the city put their new meter on that pole. Had to hire a plumber to come out and dig trenches for the propane tank lines and the sewer lines to the existing septic tank. That cost us about $4000.

Our mobile home was used and off a lot so they paid all the moving and set up on the first one. the second one was buy as is. They didn't pay anything except to put the 2 halves together once it was here. We paid $4500 for it to be delivered.

All together we paid nearly $20K to get our current home here, set up, leveled, tied down, on the runners the right way, etc...my husband got an inheritance and we spent it getting a home and paying cash for everything.

It's not hard buying a mobile home. You do need to consider all the outside costs that go with it though.

A couple of things. Mobile homes need yearly tags if they still have axles. Make sure about that. We paid about $500 per year for insurance on our first one. It was good coverage too. Payments for a mobile home might run a few hundred per month. Ours was bought by my mother in law so we had no payments. Maybe grandma will buy the home outright and put it on her land and she will retain ownership. You guys could do an intercom deal where grandma can alert you if she needs help.

Overall a mobile home is easy to buy. Everything is in the purchase price from a lot. Delivery, set up, taxes, everything. If you buy from an individual you'll have to pay for tear down, delivery, and set up. That can cost a couple thousand per section.

You CAN go to work without his permission.

You CAN look at used mobile homes and see what's available.

You CAN talk to your grandmother about this and see if there are any options she can think of. She might be ready for you to move out too.

You are an adult and can move forward as an independent wife, mother, granddaughter, and more. It takes deciding when enough is enough. Your husband is not your boss, he's your equal. Since he's making the money he probably thinks his word is your order. Stop that. He is your spouse and your mate, not your caretaker.

There comes a time when you have to decide what life is worth, what it's about, if you are living or surviving. It sounds like you are simply surviving and not living at all. Make slow progressive changes. Finding a way to make money for yourself isn't bad.

Do you sew? do crafts? bake delights? have any marketable skills? Find out if there are any online programs you can do that will be a home job for you.

Go to school and get a license to cut hair or do nails. Fix up an area in your home or fix up grandma's garage where you can have a sink, chair, and mirrors so you can take in customers. Take the baby and put them in a sectioned off space where you can see them and spend time with them when you don't have a customer.

Do taxes in your home. It doesn't take a lot of schooling to do that. There are simple forms to fill out and they do the training.

There are many things you can do and still stay home but going out into the world and making friends, going to classes, being out of the house for even a few hours per day will help you immensely. Looking at the same 4 walls every day will drive you nuts, I know, I've been there. We lived with his parents for a while when he got laid off of his very lucrative job. His mom would come in, take "his" laundry-wash it, iron it, hang it up. Mine? She washed and dried them put it in sacks because she didn't know how I wanted her to do my clothes..less wrinkles would be good, right? She would come in and sort out our drawers, my underwear drawer! For goodness sake!

And I LOVED her dearly, she was the best mother in law in the whole world. I miss her every single day. But living with her? Not so much.

You need to be out of the house during the day. Either find friends where you can go and hang out, go out in the world, take classes, do something for yourself and get a babysitter.

Find a Mother's Day Out. They are usually at the local Methodist Church. We have 2. One is M-W-F from 10am to 3pm. We take their lunch. They eat lunch then nap. From 6 weeks to school age. The other one is T-TH and 9am-noon. They don't eat lunch and come home for lunch and nap. Age 6 weeks to 4 years old. MDO is not child care...they don't have to have licenses because they're only part time. You only pay for the days your child is there. You do enroll them so they have the right amount of teachers and classroom supplies but it's not like child care in lots of other ways too.

You can move forward and make your life better even if you don't move right away. YOU can be happier and mentally healthier if you simply get out of that room all day every day and don't spend time there except bedtime.

there must be some essential bits missing here. obviously you can't post the entirety of your life, but i don't get why your husband WANTS to stay in what is clearly a cramped and uncomfortable status quo if there's a reasonable option.
is he an unreasonable fellow? is he so controlling that he's shutting down your idea just because it's your idea? does he always cut you off when you try to have important discussions about your family and its future?
if so, there's your problem.
i'm also concerned that you currently have extra money every month that you've been spending on 'whatever.' you have two children but you're not saving any of your disposable income?
before you even THINK about spending more than you do now, you've got to work with a financial counselor (you could do it yourselves but it doesn't seem as if you're remotely on the same page) and get onto a good firm budget. you need to put that extra money away for at least 6 months and make sure you've a) got a nest egg built up and b) have learned to live within a budget that actually works if you spend up to the $300 you have decided is reasonable.
but i have no clue how you came up with that figure since you have 'very little income'.
i do commend you for bringing a budget to your husband, and i would be very butthurt at having it dismissed and being accused of lying.
does he have any grounds for treating you that way?
but since you admit that you both 'waste' money i suggest you start there.
you need to fix the hemorrhaging cash and the belligerence in the marriage before you can fix the (untenable) living situation.
grandma's probably offering you the land for free just to get you out of her house, poor thing.
khairete
S.

Great advice from Mynewnickname and J.B. below.

Remember that the mobile home salespeople tell you the cost is $150 a month, but they leave out the "extras" like closing costs, transportation/install costs, etc. Same thing when you buy a car and then you find out about insurance, registration, inspection, delivery costs, and so on. You will have many expenses you don't have now - utilities, internet, and much more. Putting a mobile home on land owned by Grandma is a problem, but having her deed it over to you leaves you paying property taxes. Things just aren't that simple.

What concerns me the most are 2 things:
1) You say your money goes to "whatever". You admit you waste but say you'll give it up if you can get a place to live. Why not give it up anyway, to build a nest egg? You have an 11 year old who isn't learning to save money or that there are expenses, and it's way past time for that to happen! You and your husband don't know where your money goes.
2) You and your husband don't know how to talk or to argue fairly. You aren't a team. You each stick to your position, and you don't budge. You say you have shown him a budget, and he won't look at it. But does it include everything?

You need some financial counseling or budgeting help. You need to learn how to "argue" fairly and without winding up not speaking. You need to learn how to compromise. You need marriage counseling. Again, your children are watching this and they are learning, especially the 11 year old, some pretty bad habits.

Stop talking about the mobile home. Keep track of every penny for 3 months - every pack of gum, every splurge item in the checkout line, every Dunkin' Donuts coffee, every birthday gift for family or your child's friends, everything. Do not decide that something is too small to matter. If you pay with a debit card, you can sign up for free on Mint.com for budgeting help (tie your bank account to it so every debit and deposit are logged), and you can further break down your purchases by more subcategories than they provide. You can also tag purchases/expenses that relate to your taxes (medical copayments, miles driven for charity, everything).

Hmm, well if you make him leave then you'll be a jobless single mother stuck living with her grandma.
Will that be better than your situation now?
I understand him wanting some money left over after paying bills s every month. Who wants to work hard all day and have nothing left over? That sounds so depressing.
Sounds like it's time for you to go back to work. With two incomes you will have more money coming in and all the pressure won't be on your husband.

Just save the 300 a month until you have enough down payment to buy the mobile home with your credit.

I can understand why you want to be in your own place. I also think J.B. and Mynewnickname have some important advice for you. It's great that you have started getting together the information you need about the costs of the mobile home; in order to know whether you all really could afford to live on your own, you will need to consider all those other costs, as well as insurance and property taxes (you'll have to pay those if your grandmother gives you the land). It would take several months to figure out how you spend your income now and how much you need to live independently. Perhaps it will reduce the tension with your husband if he knows that the decision will be made months in the future and based on reliable estimates of the costs and your actual expenses? Good luck with it!

So is this really about not wanting to give up his fun money? I think until you get to the bottom of why he won't discuss it or why he won't bring his own budget for you to review then you will not be able to go forward. If my DH accused me of "fixing the books" for something that sounds very reasonable from here, I would start to wonder what his motivation was to stay put - and if there was any additional motivation for him to keep me from working or looking too closely at what he spends and where. Why would he not want more room to live? I'd be very suspicious.

But I also agree with a poster below that hooking up the trailer on land is not cheap and ours was always drafty in winter. How would it be heated and would that be very different from what you have now? Your bills might change.

Secondarily, it is a smart move for a SAHM to always have options, so I would look into what your options are without him. Is his the only signature that you would be able to use? Would any other family member cosign for you? If you can line up childcare and want a job, what else is keeping you from it?

He sounds controlling and like he does not take your feelings or emotional wellbeing into consideration. I would get that job and just let him know that you and the kids are moving into the trailer and he is welcome to join you if he wants, but otherwise he can go wherever he wants. The way you make it sound here it seems he treats you like a child who has no say in your own life and must do what he says. That is not how a partnership is supposed to work, you both need to find ways to be happy, and it sounds like that is simply not possible for you in your current living situation.

if your hubby is like me its not the money, thats just the excuse for not wanting to live in a mobile home. i am against raising my family in a trailer home. and i would put up every excuse i could come up with to not do that.
one of the main concerns for me was having a storm shelter that i could go to without going outside. mobile homes don't offer that.
maybe he wants to be able to afford to build a nice home and not just toss a simple trailer on the lot.
i think you should reconsider moving for a few weeks and then talk to him about why he refuses to move. and see if it really is the money or if there is another reason he wants to stay. (he may not feel that he has job security and feels that moving would be more stress and cause complications or even job loss for him)

That sounds very reasonable to me. I wouldn't want to pay rent either. Better to put money into an investment (mobile home) that you can sell at a later date if you want.

So I'm guessing you don't pay rent now? Or bills? Is that why you are living with your grandmother?

If you can handle the $150 a month then I'm not sure why he wouldn't want to move. There must be more to it. Most men I know would rather have their own place and not be forced to share one room.

What is he spending the money on now? Is he concerned that he won't have that spending money? Sounds a bit immature to me - you're a family, you should be living on your own in your own home. This arrangement of living nearby to your grandma so you can check in but on her land sounds ideal.

If it's the extra bills (electricity and so on) then just do up a budget and show him it's doable. He shouldn't be cutting you off though. You have every right to bring this up. That's not cool. Good luck :)

Grandma needs to sign that land over to you if she wants to give it to you. From a legal perspective that could be a nightmare later. I went through this with me wanting to move and my husband didn't. I prayed about it, HARD, for about 6 months. He finally agreed to it. Do your homework with the numbers and make sure you can afford it. Possibly you could get a used mobile home that could give you further savings?? I'm not sure what his hesitation is. Does he think you guys can't afford it? Just give him time to process it all and work on that budget!!

It's unfortunate that your husband isn't listening to your feelings. As adults, I agree with you, you should be in your own place. However, it's hard to force the only breadwinner to do things that cost money if they don't want to. You may have to wait until you are earning a little money to have a say. In a perfect world, you would have a say even without a paycheck for the work you do raising kids, but this is sadly not the case for many stay at home parents.

I would look into part time work if all you need to get into a mobile home is $150/month. Granted, I GET IT, daycare may take your whole check, but it would get you out of the house and show a sincere effort to help get your family to a more independent place. Or if there is any other incentive you can think of to offer him to consider your feelings in this. Are there things you can stop doing for him since he doesn't care how you feel? Or extra things you can do to entice him to listen?

Otherwise you may just have to be patient. Eventually your husband has to get sick of living that way too I would hope.

Why doesn't he want you to get a job?