"I Want! I Want!" at Family Outings

Some kids will ask for every single thing they can, on the off chance that maybe you'll say yes. I would give her her own money and once it's spent, time to go home. Or I would let her know that if she asks for all of these things, the next thing she wants to go to (fair, carnival, movie), you just wont' take her. Maybe you need to get the grandmas on board so that they understand that the kid needs limits and is expecting things that you and dad cannot provide. Even if grandmas can provide these things, it is good for her to hear "no" and have the person stick to it!

No, I don't think this is normal behavior for a 8-9 year old. I am a child psychologist, by the way. To me, one of the key things in your message was pointing out that you are stepmom. Are you and her dad on the same page about this? Does he give her identical messages and back you up all the time? With most of the stepfamilies I work with, I focus on giving the message that rules may be different in our house, versus mom's versus grandparents, and that's OK. She has to follow the rules when she is with you. It sounds like she spends most of her time with you? When you say she gets allowance - how much does she get? generally it should be about the same as her grade - so if she is in 3rd grade, she'd get 3or 4 dollars. I make my kids give one dollar back right away to be put in their savings account, which they can use to buy larger items with our permission. I do it that way so they understand the point of saving.
Next, I'd consider teaching her to take responsibility for her actions by instituting a behavior plan that rewards her for positive behavior. for example, my son also likes to ask for presents, so we have a rule that he may not ask for gifts, ever. He can say, I would like that, but not ask to get it. If he asks, he automatically doesn't get it. I remind him of the rule before we walk into a store where he might want something. By now, (he's 11) he almost never asks anymore, but he will say when he likes things. We have also started wish lists - if he sees something he wants, I tell him to put it on his wish list, which I will consult when I plan to buy him a present, such as his birthday or Chanukah (or Christmas, of course).
the last part of the plan is that if he did get upset in a store, we leave the store, even if my shopping is not done. This drastic step is necessary to prove that you will stick to your plan, and her begging and pleading will not be effective.
good luck!!

My 17 year old daughter is the greatest, but she can spend money like it's going out of style. She earned it, so there's not much I can say. So don't worry too much about the spending trait.

The answer to your question is it's normal, especially for some kids.

Just say no. You don't have to explain it or argue about it. I've been a tightwad with my kids their whole lives, and they survived. It's not good for them to get everything they want anyway.

Let grandma spoil her -- that's what grandmas are for. And your job is to teach her limits.

You're doing fine, just keep saying no. One phrase I've found helpful in parenting is: "oh well." That answers a lot of their complaints.

Your so right !!! This is annoying !!! She is to old to act this way. I do remember my older children doing this at a younger age. This is what I did when I thought the asking was out of control. I made is crystal clear when we arrive , DO NOT ASK FOR ANYTHING AT ALL, I CANNOT AFFORD IT. IF YOU ASK WE WILL LEAVE. Do that once and follow through! She will think twice before asking again. But do it at a place where you didnt buy tickets yet,LOL. I did it at the grocery store once and at the park. Never really had to deal with it much after that. I also made it clear if they acted up or embarrassed me WE LEFT and the next fun thing that came up, WE DID NOT GO. As long as you follow through it will work.

Personally I think she is to old to do this. This behavior shouldn't be tolerated anymore. So my advice would be before you get to your destination you tell her the exact plan & let her know the moment she asks for anything that was not in the plan then she will get nothing & you will immediately have to leave whatever it is you are doing no matter what.

Also you mentioned that you have wanted to walk out just after you purchased movie tickets because she is acting up while passing the concession stand & I say are you kidding me. I wouldn't hesitate for a minute to leave. So perhaps when this happens again you should ask the cashier or track down the manager & explain right in front of your daughter that you are trying to teach her a valuable lesson & would like to know if they will refund your money if you can't make it from the cashier to the theater without her begging for something that wasn't on the plan. I know theaters will refund your money if you don't like the movie shortly after it starts, so I think they will help you teach your dghtr a lesson.

She is at a perfect age to learn about money. My husband & I recently attended a program by Dave Ramsey. He briefly talked about children & earning money & what he did with his own children. I was so excited to find out he has a program for young kids too. I just ordered a "commission" program off his website for my 3 children (6, 4 1/2 & 3). I have not completely read thru it yet but the reviews were great so we will be getting started soon. All the questions you asked are in the childrens program & it was only $10 & there is a lot in there including a calculator, chart, a CD for parents & kids, some good quality envelopes for saving, spending & donating & much more.

You were right, this behavior can be expected from a 3 yr old but it is good that you recognize this behavior is not good & important to change, not only for your sanity but for your step daughter that needs to learn about money sooner rather than later.

Well I guess maybe you are the Step-Mom...and she's acting against you.
Does your Husband/Her Dad.... reinforce the SAME 'rules' about your family's budget???

My kids are: 3.5 and 7 years old. They understand that we cannot buy everything. We explain that to them. Their Aunty is very generous with them...and their Grandma... but we cannot do that. They understand the difference. If they do happen to 'whine' to want something, and we can't I just say we can't spend that much. And they understand. OR.... if we can manage something for them and are okay with it... they HAVE TO ask nicely and respectfully, and they do. And however, I know they appreciate it. We don't have to force them to say thank you... or that it will mean that ONLY if we get them something they will behave. Whether they get something or not... it is not a deciding factor on if they are 'nice' or respectful. To us.

Your Step-Daughter, at her age... should know better. Or maybe it is the behavioral/emotional legacy that her parent's Divorce affected her with. Maybe that is the way she learned to cope... and to get her way... when her parents split and it brought her attention. Even if negative... and it made others just spend wildly on her and to cater to her every desire.
So, it is probably a LEARNED behavior... which the OTHER'S "taught" her....
Now, it is VERY hard to, UN-do.

What is her Dad saying about all this? Does he "allow" her to be this 'bratty' way? Does he like it that his child is this way?
It is not fair that only you be the "wicked" parent.

Next, it is so harmful, to her and other's... that she is ALLOWED to "compare" you with her money-giving Grandma and call her "names." Even if that is calling her "THE BEST GRANDMA IN THE WHOLE WORLD"... because it is HURTFUL to you, as a Step-Mom and as an adult.
If that were my Kids, I would.not.allow.my.kids.to.do.that kind of 'comparing' and name calling. Because, it is a back-handed 'name calling' about you.... which your 9 year old Step-Daughter KNOWS you are within ear-shot hearing this.

If she blows her allowance... to bad. Let her deal with the consequences. "Allowance" means NOTHING to her... because she does not respect that it is her money... because she will always get more and whatever toys/treats she wants. THUS, allowance is a moot event. It denudes it and the whole 'lesson' about it.
Don't give her allowance. Period. As a lesson.
Next, HOW does she get allowance? For behaving/doing chores/grades/just being respectful??? Or does she get it no matter what even if she is a 'brat?"
If so, Allowance means nothing.

No, not all kids are like that.

My kids are younger.. .and we have since they were 2 years old, in age-appropriate ways... taught them money does not grow on trees etc.. Sure they are not perfect, but at least I know I can go to a store and not have to be Nagged or begged or whined to about, by them, to get a toy or treat. And they will not tantrum in the store or have a melt-down over it... or to just make a scene.

Your Step-Daughter is NOT too 'young' nor too fragile to learn the facts about money and budgeting. And the difference between needs and wants.... for the FAMILY.

It cannot only be 'you' that is trying to instill rules about life, into her. Her Dad has to too. Or she will get older and older... and then she will get worse and have an entrenched attitude of "entitlement". Not cute, in an older child.

All the best,
Susan

N S-

I know exactly what you mean. I was a Nanny for many years, and it was important to me to teach these kids budgeting and the value of a dollar, especially since they got what they wanted so often.

I made the strict rule of if you wanted something at the store/ outting they had to use their money, "do you have your allowance with you?" and that was it. Sometimes I'd allow them to work off the purchase at home, but they never received the purchase until the chores were done.

For birthday gifts, I would take the kids to the amusement park as their gift, and sometimes they would get mad because we they couldn't have extras, ($150.00 for the ride tickets weren't enough!?!).

Instead of getting mad, I would show them the costs, and I think your daughter is old enough to understand. Before the event have her help you budget for the event.

"We have $200 for the day, tickets are $X.xx, lunch is $X.xx this is what we have left over." Then divide that left over by the family members, and that is the extra she has.

Lastly, when the kids wanted to spend allowance money before these events, I'd remind them of the event rules & of money.

It's tough, but I don't think she's trying to anger you, kids are just naturally self centered, but when you show them, they tend to be better.

R. Magby

I'm sure it's normal and it's her personality. Being 9 & 11 years older than my brother and sister, I easily got jealous of the life they had. I wasn't always begging for things, but yes I did want a lot of stuff especially around the holidays. I really think it's because I didn't really understand money. I just always thought it was there. I got mad when my parents said they didn't have any and then my mom got the kids pictures done again. Everything with bills was secretive. I'm not saying I needed to know everything, but they should tried explaining things till I understood.
My parents divorced my second year of college, so my dad took the kids to Disney World. Right before the vacation, after paying for my semester, he tells me he can't afford my books! I was so confused and upset...and no, I didn't go, I had school!
I now know that money isn't always there and learned that the hard way. (Credit card debt...can't spend more than you bring in, it'll never go away)
Anyways, I'm not sure how to teach her about how budgets work, but do keep trying. One suggestion, let her be in charge of the spending some how. I once took my sister to the mall. She wanted to buy a letter 'J' pillow. I thought her initials would be cute, but she had half the money.I helped her out, I had her give me the $10 and then I paid the cashier with a check. HUGE HUGE mistake. She came home and told my mom I stole her money. I thought I did a nice thing, but I should have let her pay with the cash and then cover the rest. No matter how I explained it, she still thought I stole her money. She was around 10ish years old.

You received a bunch of good responses. I agree with your idea of giving her a budget at the beginning of the outing and explaing this is ALL you will be receiving for this trip. After she blows it all on the first thing she sees several times she might realizes there is more to see and buy if she waits and looks around. On the saving issue - EVERY time she receives money for allowance take part of it and put it in a savings account. Say she gets $10 week.....give her $7, show her the other $3 tell her it's going into her savings account and take her to the bank and let her deposit it. Many banks have kids savings clubs, ours with each deposit lets the kids pick a prize from the treasure chest...they are decent too, not just pencils and cheap crappy stuff. When he was younger he loved to go to the bank to deposit his money more than he liked to spend it, because he got to keep all his money and get a free toy!

My 6 year old knows that what I say, I mean and if he continues to ask or beg about anything the answer will always be no and I will not change my mind. You are correct in letting her know how much you have to spend, but you should, also, let her know what your expectations(behavior wise) are of her while on the outing. I would tell my own child that he may get one treat while on the outing and I would lay out my expectations. If he began to whine and beg and complain, I would simply say,"You can stop complaing and begging and we'll stay or you may continue to complain and we will leave. It is your choice." Then I would follow through, even if you did already pay for the event. A lesson learned is worth more than the price of admission. If you don't want to punish the rest of the family for your daughter's behavior, then I suggest you enlist the help of a friend or family memeber. Make arrangements beforehand and if your daughter chooses to continue begging after one warning, pull out your cell phone and have the family memeber or friend come and pick her up and keep her until you are finished with your outing. This will make a big impression and she will choose differently the next time, I guarantee!

My 9 yr old is like this too.

This year, the day after Christmas, where my son got 2 giftcards to Game Stop and 5 new video games, he asked if we could go to GameStop to use his cards. Did you NOT just get 5 new games???

We also have a set of Grandparents that live near by and will literally take them to the store for a new toy everyday if I let them. They get upset because I ask them to wait and buy 'the GOOD stuff' on birthday's and Christmas, not just because my kid saw some other kid with it on a Tues. in August.

One thing that I do is show him that I only have the $20 cash. No debt card, etc. So that when I say that the money is gone I really mean that the money is gone. Another thing that has helped is that I had him the money and tell him that this is all he's getting spend it well, don't ask for more or for me to cover.

When you agree to buy something. Limit her choices. I have $5. You can have x or y.

It is only normal because she has grown to expect it, because it is what she has lived. We all reap what has been sewn.
I had a freind who's daughter never asked for anything, because she was told not to, and it was inforced. She was not allowed to talk about her birthday a month in advance. She wasnt asked her opinion on what the family did or where they went. Extras were not splurged on. They were frugal. With this kind of lifestyle, you get a non assuming , frugal kid.