I Think That My 8 Year Old Daughter Is Having Social Issues!

My daughter went through that stage in elementary school. She was bossy and fought with and often drove her friends away. She was not an only child, but her slightly older brother is highly functional autistic and used to let and enjoy her bossing them around in their play. So, I think she thought it would work that way with everyone else.

She did eventually grow out of it and has many friends now, but I wish I had done something sooner because she went through some sad years. Now she goes to a counselor about anxiety issues, etc. and he still works with her on how to be a good friend. Sometimes she still wants to boss them and 'fix' things, and he talks to her and explains how a friend listens and we can't fix other people's lives, etc. So he has helped her to gain more friends and keep the ones she has.

So what I wish I had done in elementary school, was to take her to a counselor back then. Going to a counselor does not have to be a long-lasting thing, you can go for just a couple of months to learn the skills you need.

Good luck!

I agree with Victoria!

Do your best to teach her how to be a good friend, because good friends attract good friends.

If she is not willing to listen and hardens her heart to your advise, let her suffer the results. I know that sounds harsh, but better to learn when you are 8 and can bounce back. Once the friend has had enough, try again to teach. Ask her what could have been done differently, how did that make her friend feel, etc.

Hi C.,

Girls definitely are tricky when it comes to social relationships. We are relationship-focused as females and navigating the feelings around friendships can be overwhelming.

I highly recommend helping your daughter nurture a hobby or sport that she can pour her energy into. Right now she's focused on her best friend, but in a few years it might switch to boy relationships. Girls need to keep busy with other pursuits. Some young girls become obsessed with horses, or gymnastics, or soccer, or painting, or playing an instrument, or working with clay...etc. I would zero in on what your daughter loves to do and go for it with gusto.

The next thing I would do is to know what character qualities your daughter possesses that are strong - she sounds like a very loyal friend. The virtues she needs to strengthen, which are not in balance, are flexibility, moderation, detachment. For a list of virtues to reflect on you can visit http://www.virtuesproject.com/virtues.html

As a Virtues Project Facilitator I train parents to recognize their child's character qualities and how to help their child bring out the qualities that are not as well developed. You can learn more about my course, should it interest you at http://www.noblemother.com/courses-services/programs/onli...

I hope things continue to improve,
All the Best,
R. Peirce
Certified Parent Educator, Coach, and Facilitator

Hello C., The good news here is that you recognize that your daughters behavior could be hurtful to her and her friends! So many of us don't see the problem. Can't see the problem. Since you obviously do, this really should not be terribly difficult to work through. Continue to talk to your daughter and point out what she can do to correct the behavior. Consistancy is always the hard part for me. I am trying at the moment to work through the middle school years with my daughter. It is exhausting. Your daughter is blessed to have a mother with such insight. Keep at it. M.

Dear C.

You and your daughter should play a game of pretend.
You and her should play like your friends. Show her how to share and understand feelings. Have comversation. And say to each other how they like each other and what they like to do. Show her how to be kind.
It is what I used to do with my children when they were young.
It did help a little.
Remember we are their teachers of life.

Vicki W.

you cant hold her hand through everything. she will figure out that her friends dont want to be bossed around. you need to just step back and let this take its course. good luck

Great resource, by Sal Severe:

http://www.amazon.com/How-Behave-Your-Children-Will/dp/06...

I Just read the version for younger kids and found it to be very very helpful in fine-tuning my parenting to result in better behaved children. I saw immediate results.

His writing is well laid out & an easy read. You can find his books at the library. Worth a thumb-through!

P

Yes, she will loose friends. I have an adhd daughter, who did that, and she didn't have any friends between ages 6 and 15. Then she caught on, and luckily had good teen years. And yes, I am sure yours is partly due to only child. If you can afford some lessons, put her into a group situation, and this summer, give her camp.

John Rosemond (www.rosemond.com) would say to not interfere and let her learn life's lessons herself. He might say to give a hint, such as "wow, I wouldn't want to play with someone who was bossy". Otherwise, you'll interfere with her social development and she won't learn these things of her own accord.

I know it's painful when we see our children have issues in social settings. C., you've clearly given this a lot of thought. I don't know if you've been able to instill in your daughter a sense of compassion or the ability to 'be aware of others,' but it's something that she will need throughout life, so I highly encourage it.
When she's having a bout of jealousy, that's the prefect time to sit down with her and have a loving dialogue about what she's feeling in her heart. If, through helping her recognize her own feelings, you can open her eyes to the feelings of others, she will be fine.

Best of luck!

CeceD

I don't have any answers but wanted to tell you good luck.
I have had friends like that and it does end up pushing you away. I hope you get some good answers. Just wanted you to know that I feel for you and to wish you good luck in your answers.

My granddaughter is 9 and in the 4th grade. I've been a playground volunteer for several years now. I think that what is happening with your daughter is for the most part normal. She is learning social skills.

My granddaughter is sometimes jealous when one of her friends plays with other kids who are not also my granddaughter;s friends. And she is also bossy and wants to run things. I've noticed that most of her good friends are more follower types. She does struggle with other leader types.

My granddaughter has many best friends. Depends on the day which one is really her "best" friend. I would encourage your daughter to expand her circle of friends. You can do this by arranging play dates with girls who she's expressed a liking for. One girl at a time. I often spend time with my granddaughter and one other friend and when things start getting a bit touchy I make suggestions to one or both. For awhile it seemed my granddaughter had difficulty stopping what she was saying or doing when her friend indicated that she'd had enough. I'd say something like, "Mary is asking you to stop." When my granddaughter would ask Mary if that's what she wanted, I encouraged Mary to say yes or no. Either way we'd have a conversation about what was going on.

When my granddaughter would complain about someone or about a situation I would ask her how she felt and would then focus on her feelings first. When she seemed ready I'd bring up an idea about what the other person might be feeling. Often she didn't want to talk about the other person's feelings and I'd let it drop. She;ll learn over time as she's ready for a different way of looking at something.

For now the most important thing for her to learn is to recognize how she feels and how she can control what happens based on how she handles her feelings. For example, jealousy is often acted out in anger which can result in pushing a friend away. So what else can she do? She can join her friend and play whatever they're playing. It will take time for her to develop the skill required to do that.

It's important for us as adults to remember that relationships at this age are very fluid. Someone who's a friend today is not one tomorrow but then a friend again the next day. Sometimes days go by with one girl not talking to another girl but if left to their own devices they work it out. Often it's just time that's needed.

It is good to find a way to help your daughter understand how another child feels but I wouldn't do this by treating her mean. Instead I'd show her how to relate to another by helping her to feel good about herself. In role playing I would show her the skills that encourage co-operation. For example: when you're playing a game and she's bossy, tell her that you don't feel like playing when she acts that way. Suggest that you'd really like for her to let you use this game piece and she could use which ever one she wants to use.

Praise her every chance you get when she's getting along with you or other people even when you're not playing with her. If she's embarrassed, praise her quietly. Or, do as my granddaughter started doing with me, raise your thumb upwards. This has become a silent signal between us. I feel good when she gives me the thumbs up sign, too.

Often kids are bossy and mean because they feel insecure. Somehow feeling in control helps them to feel more secure even tho it gets them the opposite of what they want. I suspect it is related to being able to blame the other person because they didn't do what they wanted. This makes the key to helping kids learn social skills to doing whatever will increase their self-confidence and sense of security.

Modeling social skills is also helpful. Involve your daughter with some of your activities with friends.

Finally, your daughter is young. Many, if not most, leader type personalities have these same difficulties at this age. Praise your daughter for being a leader. Encourage her by telling her that she's learning and that you know she'll figure out friendships. And do let her figure out what to do after you've listened to her talk and validated her feelings. Ask her if she wants suggestions on how to do it differently and then brain storm together.

Focus on the positive. Downplay the negative.