I never *ever* thought this would happen to us. We've been together for 13 1/2 yrs, married for 6. He's the love of my life, and I can't stand to be in the same room with him anymore. We have two great boys 5 1/2 & 3 (just yesterday, happy birthday kid, your parents are getting a divorce).
We separated a year and a half ago for 3 mos. He said he didn't love me and we have nothing in common. I cried, begged and pleaded for him to come home. I did everything he asked me to. We went to counseling, but that was no help. I lost 30lbs in 3 mos (that part was great). And for a little while I thought maybe we'd be ok. We loved our kids, and we did love each other, we just had to work really hard.
Well, I worked really hard. During the seperation there was a girl who worked for us that was an issue. I believed he didn't do anything with her, but she was definatly inappropriate. She worked for us, but was our best employee, so as much as I wanted her fired he wouldn't do it.
The past 3 mos I've just given up. Figuring I'd just be alone in this marriage until the boys grew up. I chose thier father, I was going to suffer, no them. Most mornings I wake up dreading another day. I need 3 sleeping pills to get to sleep. I cry most days and have gained all the weight back.
This morning I find a text on his phone from "Her" that says "Baby, are you having doubts?" He says it was doubts about our marriage and that "Baby" is just a girl thing. She was trying to help.
I think it has to be over. I've asked him to leave. But what do I do about the kids? He's a great father and they think the sun rises and sets because of him. How do I destroy thier world? What do I do now?
I really hope you can make it work. But if you need a divorce attorney please contact me at ###-###-####. M..
J.,
Please know that all will be OK. My husband (ex, actually) became verbally abusive about 2 years ago, and i thought that my behavior could 'fix' him. Nothing i did could make him happy for more than a few days at a time. It got to the point that i realized that i was not responsible for his happiness. I thought i could stick it out, and be miserable, for our son's sake. But his behavior clearly affected my son as well. I left him, and have never looked back. Parenting is a hard job, even harder as a single mom! But it CAN be done, and one day you'll realize not just that you can do it, but that you ARE doing it. It's better for your kids to grow up with a healthy, happy mommy as a role model, than to think of what you have now as a model for their own marriages later on.
best of luck to you. Be strong!!!
J.,
This must be so so hard. Before you do anything, though, I would contact a local group here that is incredible at thinking through these issues with you. www.CCEF.org. They are local and very very gifted.
Good luck.
Coming from a family of divorced parents, I stronly encourage you to go to counseling, couples counseling (even if you are getting divorced...you need to learn how to get along), and counseling for the kids. and I agree with the other response...never bad mouth the other spouse in front of the kids! And never use your kids as a pawn in the divorce.
First I wanna say sorry.
Second, I wanna just say that the children will be far better off with 2 happy parents. Your children, although it may take some time for them to adjust, will be just fine. My parents seperated and then divorced when I was 5ish. It took some getting used to but my mother was a happier person and I didn't have to listen to them argue anymore. Yes, your children can hear you arguing and they will remember. I remember and that was 30 years ago. Thankfully the fighting stopped and everything worked out for the best. My mom met a wonderful man and was re-married. And I know that as a woman I don't have to put up with anything just because.
Do what makes you happy because in the nd that is what s gonna make your children happy.
You are right to try to keep the family together as long as he is a great father to the kids and isn't abusive or addicted to anything. You suspect that the boys have a better chance growing up normal with two parents that at least tolerate each other, rather than a single mother who now must spend the time she used with her boys and trying to stay ahead of the housework, working outside the home and squeezing everything else into her "off" hours. The money situation will be terrible. Your hubby will have spend money on TWO homes, one for him, one for you and the boys. Not much will be available for the kids' necessities.
As a stay-at-home mom, if you're like many of us, we spend all of ourselves with the family. We put careers on hold, we don't have time to go out with our friends and who has time for a class in a hobby when you've got the kids and all? Where is our "ME" time?
This changes us. I wonder if your husband is reacting to the natural change that occurs when wives are absorbed into their families and have few,if any, outside interests. Do they think we are boring? Well, I can certainly be bored by another load of laundry!
The cheapest option would be to find a way to make this work. Since you basically love him and he is not actively trying to leave.
Entering counseling is difficult with a firefighters shift schedule. I was wondering if one of the churches in your area had a "marriage encounter" sort of group class. I know Christs Church of the Valley in Oaks has something. (Upper Providence township, moviechurch.com)Most churches have something.
These type of courses and groups try to improve relationship skills for BOTH parties. Another angle they use is to have the person who is willing to do the effort (in this case,you) goes more overboard in doing things for the other. Treating them as if you were being showered with love and kindness and your natural response is to do likewise. Kind of like the way we were when we were first married. (I used to iron my husbands shirts! Can you believe it?)
I think individual counseling didn't work well in your case since there is a fear of pointing blame. A group class is less threatening and they teach you to find common ground.
If I can suggest one more thing. Start improving yourself. You lost weight before, try getting involved in something fun that also helps you get physically fit. Improving the health of our bodies makes us feel strong in weak situations. Our strength will eminate from you and he will take some notice.
If you do a group class, you get some social time, net-working time with others, (yoga classes, Karate classes-take the boys, Karate is something our whole family does now. I started with just me and my daughter, now the 2 boys and their father are doing it! uniform is nice and lose, hides a multitude of sins!) Whatever you find will help. Then you need to get involved in a hobby. Meeting with others to do your "hobby" once a week gives you a chance to decompress. Talk with others, etc. Mine is oil painting. Always wanted to do it and when Methacton had it's night classes, once a week, I started it. It's been 3 yrs now and the first group of people are still there! We maintain friendships even between semesters!It's also the one time a week I have to paint! it's too hard to fit it in at home! But I at least have that.
If you don't think your husband has these opportunities, think again. I used to work as a Paramedic and there is ample time to network with friends and the relationships are as tight as siblings! To this day, I still communicate with them and two nights ago, we buried one of them. Don't kid yourself. Your husband has this outlet and you need it too.
Maybe developing your personal interests outside your family, improving your health with an activity, will improve in a subtle way, your relationship. I think one of those marriage "seminars" might work, too. Best wishes on your journey
I am from a single parent household. I remember dreading it when i heard my parents fight. If it is that bad you need to end it. There is no use in making yourselves miserable if it is not working out. Kids are more resilent than you think. Tell them that it is not there fault and that you both love them. May be you and the husband could wind up being friends in the end. DO not bad mouth each other to the children if things do end. This is not good for the kids.
J.,
I am going through a divorce myself... it seems to be taking a long time to work everything out and I am still living with my not-quite-ex, but we are trying to do the best for our 8-year-old daughter. I think as much as you don't want it to happen, for yourself and your kids' sake, you do know when things just aren't right and it's time to make a change. I don't take divorce lightly and I know all the guilt issues that come up regarding the kids. But I don't believe it's right to stay together only for the kids and truly be unhappy. I know because I've tried it, and I actually feel much better now having made the decision to divorce and move on with my life. Right now I am at that scary point of trying to find my own place (one that I can actually afford) but I am also feeling so much more hopeful and secure about myself than I have in a long time. If you feel like you just can't do this anymore, and he is not trying to help the situation in any way, then you need to start thinking about what you need to do to take care of yourself. I know we need to make sacrifices for our kids, but staying in a bad relationship is not one of them. It's not healthy for anyone involved, including the kids. And I would be really wary of this other woman. Maybe nothing physical is going on, but she shouldn't be calling him "baby" and he shouldn't be defending her for it. It sounds to me like he has seriously crossed a line there.
Yes, it will upset your kids if you divorce, but they can still have a great relationship with their father even if you aren't together. How has he responded to you asking him to leave? Has he not left because he wants to be with you or is unsure of your relationship? Or does he just have no where else to go? And why did he come back in the first place after the initial separation? Just some things to think about... It really does sound like you have tried, so give yourself credit for that. If he's not willing to try at this point then I have to say, yes it is over, by HIS choice, although you may have to be the one to make the first steps to physically ending it.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I know it's sad because you have been together so long and you do love him, but that doesn't necessarily mean you are supposed to be married anymore. Especially not if he is treating you poorly which is what sounds like is happening. Tell him you love him and would rather be with him but this situation you are in can't continue because you deserve to be happy and loved. Your kids also deserve to live in a house where their parents show each other genuine love and respect. If that is not happening, you will all be better off living apart. If you are not happy your kids will know it, and when they eventually figure out that their dad is the reason you are unhappy, it could really cause them to be confused and resentful of him.
I hope this has given you some things to think about that will help you. I truly wish you all the best. You really do deserve it.
If that is how you feel, you need to do whats best for YOU. No one can take care of those kids in your state. If hes not going to be a part of making you happy then your right it is time to move on. And is she is part of this reason...well then now you have a reason for him to have his balls hammered, and take him for everything he has. I don't normally suggest such things, but if hes cheating or thinking about cheating, screw him. First things first you need to get healthy, once your better you will be able to take care of your kids better. Then if hes a great father, he will make it a point to be in your kids lives. That is not your job, to make sure the kids still see their father. Thats his.
Pick your self up, dust your self off, and get ready for the next part of your life. Think about how great things will be. focus on the good in your life, your kids will be tankful in the end that you didn't stay in a marriage that didn't work. Trust me. My husbands parents stay together for the kids, and when we got married and moved away, they split up. My husband still blames himself. He thinks if he stayed home it wouldn't of happened. It should have happened a long time ago. They stayed in the loveless marriage for the kids, and int he end the kids suffered a far worse blow as adults. Now 8 years latter, both parents have new lives, new spouses, and I even have a brother in law younger than my children, but we wont start with that story! The point is everyone is happy again, apart. It wasn't easy, but it we all made it through.
Be strong, for you. Then the kids.
Good luck!
J., I'm so sorry. Your story sounds very similar to my own. Don't doubt your suspicions regarding "her". Very often we deny what we don't want to know is true. My husband left me and my two sons (at that time 3 1/2 and 5 yrs)but not until my self-esteem was almost completely destroyed. Trying to recreate myself into what he wanted left me totally stressed, depressed, and eventually physically ill. The truth is, what he wanted was someone else, and I was incapable of being that.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. You need it and deserve it. I'll admit, divorce is terribly painful, but it is not fatal! Divorce has an end. The pain of an unhappy marriage goes on and on and on.
Surround yourself with healthy, supportive, trustworthy women (preferably who understand what you're going through). If you can, get a counselor for yourself. It's a good idea to talk to a good lawyer as well. Owning a joint business can be tricky (I know). Take steps to secure your finances.
Again, take care of yourself! Try to stay healthy. Do what you have to do to give your kids a healthy mom. Don't fall apart in front of them. You really can survive this. No one wants to, but we do, every day. It may seem unbelievable now, but you will actually be happy again in the future.
P.S. It's a good thing that your boys are crazy about their dad. They're supposed to be. They're crazy about you too. Try your best to never speak negatively about him in front of your boys!!
