I Think I Have a Right to Be Mad, Don't I?

Your friend is homeless. She thought she was doing you a favor since she lives with you and you pay expenses. Please...give her a break. I am sure she wants to please you. You are the "hero" of her story, so please let her help you. It was probably not about YOU, it was about helping and pleasing. You, obviously, have never been dependent on someone for shelter, food and care. If you had been, you would really GET THIS. Your hubby went along with her idea to help you. Please...let this go. And Merry Christmas. With your charitable spirit you already have Christmas in your heart year round so enjoy the season. God takes care of his own.

You can be upset that they didn't wait for you, but it sounds to me like perhaps they were trying to surprise you. Try not to dwell on how long you had been planning and all that. To me, it's not worth fighting with your husband over and for heaven's sakes, don't make the homeless person that's staying with you feel worse than she probably already does. Surely you wouldn't want her feeling bad and unwelcome over Christmas decorations.
How about saying, "It looks lovely, good job" and letting it go.
It's not even Thanksgiving yet......no need to start fighting about Christmas this early on.

I broke my leg really, really bad and one year for Christmas, we were having a super tough time. Not only had my income gone down considerably, but I couldn't even drive us anywhere. I'm a single mom and I was so bummed out wondering how I could possibly make a Christmas for my son. I could barely get around the house let alone.
One Saturday after we had an early dinner, I went in to my room to lay down and prop my leg up. I drifted off. My son, who was 12 at the time came in and gently woke me up. He wanted to help me into the living room because he had something to show me.
I cried.
He had gone into the garage and found our artificial tree and decorated the whole thing by himself.
My first thought was to feel bad that he hadn't had any help at all and my second thought was that it was something we always did together and here I'd slept through it.
He wasn't thinking any of that. He was so proud of himself.
I had tears streaming down my face and he was afraid I was mad or upset.
I could barely get the words out......
"Honey, it's the most beautiful tree I've ever seen."
I really meant it.
He really did a good job and I didn't change a single thing.
It was perfect just the way it was because he did it for ME.
He said I always give him Christmas surprises and he wanted to give me one.
How could I be mad about that?

Don't let what happened dampen things.
There is so much of this "season" left to enjoy.

Best wishes.

Yes and no. In the grand scheme of things, it really is not a big deal. The world isn't going to end, and your daughter will remember the year that your friend and her son lived with you at Christmas. However, in the moment, I would probably be ticked off too. Christmas is "my holiday" as well, and if my sister (who is living with us right now), husband, and son decorated the Disney tree we put up (all Disney ornaments from our trips) without me, I would be LIVID!

My advice is this, explain to your husband why it upset you (when you are alone), tell him the only reason you are sharing is because from now on you want them to wait for you, and drop it. Take a deep breath and enjoy hanging those last 4 ornaments!

Just another chapter in the Holidays of Broken Dreams novel!
Seriously, the thing is that her tree is UP, decorated and she can enjoy it right?
I find your post confusing as to who did the decorating...daughter & hubby or friend & daughter, etc.
Really, in the scheme of life, this is small thing. Try to keep it in perspective, even if you were disappointed.

You have every right to be angry.
What a major serious terrible disappointment.
Boy oh boy oh boy.

Now . . . . .
have you been angry long enough?

You might consider UNDOING what they did
and then redoing it the way you had imagined it.

Or, instead, you could just be grateful
you have your family with you and all healthy . . .
and that you have all these wonderful ornaments
in your home, for your family and guests to enjoy,
along with the wonders of this season.

That you are well enough off that you can allow a friend and her child
to stay with you while they are unable to have their own home.

That you and your daughter will (probably) have many more opportunities
to decorate trees or do other special projects together, year after year.

I hope that this serious major disappointment
is the worst disappointment you ever have
for the rest of your life.

Be irritated for a few minutes and then LET IT GO!!!! Not to be rude about it, but just let it go. Don't let this hang over you like a dark cloud and ruin Christmas for you and your family. I understand why you are upset, but it's not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. Focus on creating other fantastic memories for your daughter. Remember that our kids can read our emotions better than anyone, so don't let her see any ill will. You will only be teaching her that if you don't get your way, you should pout about it until everyone else is miserable also.

I know why your mad , I think I would be kind of mad also. I would have to think about why they did not wait for you. Then think that their hearts were in the right place. Shake is off and decorate something else with her.

Wow, what I wouldn't give to have someone help me decorate my house for Christmas! I say count your blessings, and be thankful that your friend is not just sitting around on her duff.

You are allowed to be PO'd,and disappointed, but it is the season for good cheer. Your friend is homeless and you are being very gracious.. This may end up being a very special memory for her in the future.

You will be very fortunate to have all of the decorating you can handle for the rest of your life.. Enjoy this as a gift.

Please let it go. Love your family and love your friend.

Yes and no. You have every right to be upset, but I would not dwell on it for long, move on and have your daughter help you with some of the rest of the decore. Happy holidays.

While I understand that your feelings were hurt, you actually sound quite petty. Your friend is homeless and you are upset about whether or not yoou got to help decorate a small tree in your daughters room? There are plenty of holiday things left to do with your daughter. Don't let this spoil things. Your husband and friend were just trying to help (or so it sounded like). Put it in perspective and I'm sure you will realize that they weren't trying to hurt you at all.

Yes be angry, but be silent about it. There is no reason to let the others feel guilty about it. Find something else special to do with your daughter. Visit a homeless shelter, donate a decorated tree to someone less fortunate ... it's christmas time and we can forgive others, who really meant no harm. Take a deep breath and let it go.

They are your feelings. No one can tell you what you should feel. But how you handle them is different. Do you really believe they meant to hurt you or were so deliberately inconsiderate? Probably not. I am guessing that there is some misinformation on their part as to what it meant to you. Throw yourself into other meaningful traditions and be more clear that you want certain ones done as a family. Let this other one pass and enjoy the holiday season. We all put such strong expectations into this time of year that often are impossible to live up to. Don't let this dampen relationships or the season for you or your household.

I know it seems like you missed out on something great, but they didn't do it to hurt you. They obviously did it to surprise you and thought you would appreciate it. So try to appreciate their intentions and move on. There are plenty of other Christmas traditions left.

I think you should be proud of your husband for getting involved. In his sweet little mind he thought you would be so happy when you saw what he did..... instead he was met with quite the opposite.
Hopefully your daughter didnt notice the tension and if it were me I would have been all "LOOK WHAT DADDY DID!" and be all happy and joyful. Then finish the rest of the decorating with your daughter.

If you were on your cell why couldn't you have just walked in to the room? Was the call more important than attending to your family when they asked?

Thirty minutes is quite a long phone call. If I were them I would have been mad you weren't coming to the room. So I would have just hung the stuff without you -- which is what they did.

I think you had your feelings hurt, and rightfully so. Your question is, "should I be upset?" and the answer is that you had every right to be upset at the time, but now that they know that, you should probably just let it go. With Thanksgiving right around the corner, please try to keep some perspective on all that you have to be grateful for. I battled cancer this past year (1 year anniversary of diagnosis is this week) and I can tell you that, while I would be sad that they did it without me, in the grand scheme of things, it's pretty insignificant. I agree with the others who said that their hearts were in the right place and that they likely didn't do it just to spite you, so try to be thankful for what you have (just think about your poor friend that has to rely on you for shelter because she has no home to put a tree up for her child) and let the small things be small. Best wishes and happy holidays to you and your family!

Yes...and no. Your requests were ignored and that can be very frustrating. Something, that was very important to you was done without you. That's not fair. However, it doesn't sound like this was done to hurt you. There was a lot of excitement and I think, it was just done out of pure excitement. I don't think anyone purposefully, or maliciously did this to hurt you, or defy you. At the end of the day, is it really worth dwelling on? No, not really.

What if, you and your daughter went and picked out things to make a wreath, for her door? I always loved doing this, when I was little. You could go out, pick all your supplies, and come home and make it. Just you and her, no one else. You can enjoy decorating and making something together. Perhaps, that will help with feeling left out of decorating.

Yes!! I totally understand why you are so upset. I would be too. Would it do any good to make a scene about CHRISTMAS decorations though? I don't know, I can't answer that, and I don't really know what I would do. My guess is that she didn't realize how important it was for you to do that with your daughter, and she possibly took your comment about it being fun as a hint that she should do it since she's the homeless one living in your home. I'm not sure. Just remember that different people have different backgrounds and different upbringings. What's a big deal to one family may be nothing special to another family. I think she was probably just trying to help you, but didn't understand how meaningful it was for you to decorate with your daughter. I think you should talk to her, and explain how important that was to you, and ask her to please check with you before doing anything like that again. I would definitely say something because if you don't say anything, you're going to explode at some point about something, and then it'll come out a lot messier at that point. Also, because if you don't, then next thing you know she will be unknowingly messing up your New Year plans, etc. Good luck!!!

You had expectations that the others didn't bother to try and meet, so yes, you have a right to be mad. We often get mad when our expectations aren't met, but did they do it maliciously? Did they seem sincerly unaware of what your expectations were? If so, I'd probably forgive and forget. Sometimes we don't get what we want even with the best laid out plans. However, i would really try and put on a great face for your daughter as she may not want her own tree next year if it reminds her of her Mom being upset. So, put on the four ornaments and enjoy time with your family and if your still upset, well then just pour really cold water on your husband while he is showering and I promise it will make you smile!! LOL.

if it upsets you that much..just take it all down and put it back up with your daughter..may take a little extra time..but if in the end you will be satisfied with the final product and peace of mind knowing yall did it together..then it will be worth it!

A couple of years ago I worked on hand sewn lined curtains for our bedroom. They took me about 2 weeks standing little bits at a time sewing while hugely pregnant. Not including the research and online shopping for cheap deals on quality fabric and lining. I kept them carefully folded up and hidden so no one would see the fabric as I worked on them. When they were FINALLY done I asked my husband to put up the curtain RODS ONLY so I could hang them. He knew I was hiding them waiting to surprise him with the finished product, or so I thought. I wanted to hang them and have him walk into the room all amazed at their splendor. That was my "big moment" after all the hard work sewing big heavy curtains for very large windows (never again).

Needless to say, when he called me, he had gone into my sewing room, grabbed one of the curtains, and tried to cram it onto one of the rods UPSIDE DOWN so that not only were they hanging badly and sticking out instead of draping gracefully because they weren't hanging by the proper seam, but they were popping the hand basting at the hems (which took hours) with the heavy weight of the fabric mashed onto the rods. He was yelling, "Somethings wrong with these, they're not sliding onto the rods!!!"

So much for appreciating the textile pattern and having the big "Oooh, Aaahh" moment.

I WAS SO MAD. I yelled pretty bad for a few minutes. I explained thoroughly why I wanted to hang them and how disappointed I was and how hard I worked etc. I laid the pregnant lady guilt trip on him blah blah blah. He apologized. Then I let it go. He didn't do it to be mean. I hadn't made it clear enough I wanted to HANG THEM.

Try not to think of this as a huge calamity on top of all the charity you are doing for your friend. You're lumping a few too many things in with the disappointment about missing the decorating of those particular things. You need to explain thoroughly WHY you are mad you got jipped of your idea to help decorate which you were looking forward to. Then let it go. Tell them not to do that anymore with the rest of the decorating, cookie baking, gift wrapping, Christmas story reading-anything you will be doing with your daughter. Build more holiday memories and do other decorating with your daughter.

It really sucks you put so much time and planning into the tree and window clings and they did it without you, but it's done. It's not even December yet, you did not miss your chance to make Christmas memories. Your daughter will learn to have fun at Christmas based on the behavior you model. Don't waste too much time being mad.

Havent read what others have said yet but I think this is one of those times in a young marriage where a husband is still learning about his wife's expectations... and he boo boo'd. He and your friend and your daughter were trying to surprise you most likely. I think their heart was in the right place and they don't deserve to be in trouble for it.
It's just one of those things. Trust me on this, you will have more weird Christmas's in your future, each one is different than the one before :)
Show your Christmas spirit and don't sulk about this... it wasnt meant to make you mad. I'm pretty sure I would feel offended if my husband was on the phone for 30 minutes while I was waiting for him to help me with something....and I would have probably done it myself without him.
Phones should not take precidence over live people in the room with you.

I agree with Meaghan H. I might add that, from my perspective and as someone who has extensive experience working with homeless families, I'm sure there was an element of 'surprising' you in a good way with the best of intentions. There is so much uncertainty when it comes to not having a secure permanent home and when people are kind enough to give a helping hand, there is typically a strong desire to 'do' something kind in return. Maybe their situation limits what they can do for you this time of year and wanted to give you a fun gift to come home to. I'll bet they even took special care to make it look really nice...for you.

I understand you had communicated different things and are angered the things you communicated were seemingly discarded...and to feel put off is certainly understandable. I guess I might just say with sincere kindness in my heart for you and your family and your friends that this time of year can be very stressful or very blessed. I'm sure it's a mixed bag for your friend worrying about finding a permanent home. Maybe for just this year you can look to your friend with compassion and gratitude for good intentions, make sure you let your friend know what some of your traditions are that truly mean a lot to you and that you don't want to miss out on, and thank her for her good intentions.

Next year is all yours:)

Well, she stole the wind from your sails, so you could be a bit upset. How upset will you be when the time comes to put all the decorations away? Usually that's when the help evaporates. If she's looking for ways to help out, then give her ways to do it. It'll keep her busy enough to keep her away from the things you want to do yourself.

Yes, you have a right to be mad. If it were me, I'd be furious. But unfortunatly that won't change anything except to make you miserable. This sounds like something my husband would do because he would think that he was helping out by "getting the job done". Try to explain to him why your upset, so hopefully things like this won't happen in the future.

Merry Christmas!

I do think I would have been highly irritated!! I am sure your face and body language showed your disappointment.
Michelle G has the best answer.
My first thoughts were to tell you to watch your friend and how she is reacting around your husband.
However, say your "piece" in private husband then "let this one go"...
Try dipping pretzels in chocolate and sparkles by yourself with your daughter. At four she will always remember this and so will you. Make something like this your new tradition alone with your daughter and then at 7 or 8 inivite her little girl friends to join you.
Next year the tree can be for daughter and Daddy for "their" tradition to surprise Mommy.
Do the family tree together.
Hopefully the friend will be gone by next Christmas.

I would be irritated then get over it. They should have respected your wishes. It sounds like they got excited and thought you wouldn't care since you were on the phone.

Gee did you tell your friend NOT to decorate the tree? Maybe she did it to say Thank you. I wouldn't be too upset since you might put another tree in the living room?

I would be. Hopefully next time he will wait. I am sure he learned his lesson.

My feelings would be hurt... :(

sure i'd be mad. but you are in a stressful situation with another woman in your house. keep in mind that that alone will cause you to be a little more touchy at times. and it's christmas. so try to let it go. good luck.

I can understand why you are upset. It seems like your friend took over and your hubby knew what you wanted to do. This was something that you wanted as a family. Unfortunately they don't get it. I would just suggest finding something else that is special--maybe put up some lights in her room that just the 2 of you can do. You can stay mad but what would be the point.
My dd's first Christmas, my husband would not get up so I went to get coffee for myself. I was gone at max 20 minutes. When I got back, all the presents were open save one--and the paper was picked up already. I totally missed her opening presents or the reaction when she saw everything. I was royally pissed. No one waited for me--a lousy 20 minutes. I took my daughter to my room and opened that one remaining present and then ignored everyone until it was time to go to dinner.

haha, it's one of those stories you can write in the annual Christmas letter. Your hubby and friend probably thought they were doing you a favor and I bet your daughter had a great time with them as well. Don't stress on it, just put it down as one of those more unorthodox Christmas memories.
Always keep in mind that if you have plans or great expectations about something that hasnt happened yet, you will always be disappointed if it doesnt turn out the way you were hoping. You can lightly hope that something will go the way you want, but don't put all your eggs in that basket because more times than not someone drops that basket.

This used to be me...I had my best friend living with me for 1 year, 9 of those months being my first year of marriage, and let me tell you, it was NOT a walk in the park! Especially when I would come home, and my hubby and bf would be sitting there and gang up on me right when I came thru the door about things, and then my bf took it upon herself on her day off to put up my husband & my christmas tree and decorate it, only to find out later that my husband and her did it without me. THAT WAS MY FIRST CHRISTMAS TREE TO DO WITH MY HUBBY, NOT HERS!

I had to sit down with her and hubby and discuss the house rules, ones that were to help everyone know whats expected of them, and how everyone fits into the house!

B.

A.,

I am so very different from most people, it is quite perplexing. Just about everyone was on your husband's and your friend's side. Well, I am on your side (I am always the black sheep of the crowd). If I understood your post correctly, your husband and your friend KNEW that you wanted to decorate with your daughter, right? If they knew (especially if your husband knew) and they did it w/o you anyway, then you have the right to be furious. I would be. I'm sure you felt very slighted, that they intentionally disrespected you. That is how I would feel. Now, if they (especially your husband) truly didn't know that you wanted to decorate w/ your daughter, then I don't think you should be upset.

If I am correct, you need to have a talk w/ your husband about respect. Tell him that is is unacceptable for him to do something w/o you when he KNOWS you want to be a part of it. For me, a marriage is nothing w/o respect for one another, and your husband must have respect for you. So many people said to let it go, that it's the holiday season, but if I understood your post correctly, that means they all did not and that this is a respect issue - a very important issue NOT to overlook, just b/c it's the holidays. Holidays or no holidays, there MUST be respect in a marriage.

I know it won't be the same, but I think you should take everything down and start over, just you and your daughter. Good luck and go have that talk w/ your husband.

I'd be angry too. It does sound like they had the best intentions though.

When my MIL was last with us at Christmas, I was pregnant and had to go pee. That's when she decided the tree was done....and announced it to one and all...while I was peeing (my memory may be faulty, but I think this is also the year she have me hangers for Christmas).

This is someone who does NOT have the best intentions. And I still let it go. What good could come of saying anything? Everyone was moving onto to something else, and I did my best to enjoy my time with my kids, regardless.

(I have since learned that confronting this woman is GOOD, but in a case like this, I'd still let it go, as it's just not the right time to initiate anything that would cause drama).

And your homeless friend is probably desperate to help you out and isn't always thinking through what is welcome help and what is not. If she'll be moving on soon, try to take it as her misguided "thanks" (but if she'd going to be around awhile & stuff like this KEEPS happening, then you do have to talk with her).

You have a right to your emotions. My concern is when they decided they would decorate the tree without you and WHY your husband didn't reconsider because he hadn't talked to you about it. Also, having another woman in your home tends to lead to nothing but chaos, drama, and other things...so it's WISE TO SET SOME BOUNDARIES FOR ALL ADULTS, NOW!!!!!!!! COMMUNICATION IS KEY!

My initial response in putting myself in your shoes, is that my feelings would have been hurt. Plain and simple.

Not sure exactly what I might have said or done, but without a doubt, my feelings would have been hurt, however silly that may be.

I think it's important to let your husband and friend know how you feel, and I suppose, maybe in the future, be very specific about your expectations, so there is little room for miscommunication.

Sorry they were inconsiderate and ruined your decorating fun... :)

I'd be mad too. I hope you'll be able to just let it go. It seems like they meant well but at the same time, I'd be very disappointed. I'd probably say something and then drop it. So sorry about this. You are a kind friend to take them in. Good luck!

I would be upset too. Maybe you should talk to your friend and come to an understanding on some boundaries. Creating Christmas memories with your daughter and your husband as a family is not something you can do over. It's generous of your family to take your friend and her son into your home. Explain that there are some things you would like to keep as a family. Maybe she was trying to help but the bottom line is that YOU wanted to decorate with YOUR daughter. No one should have excluded you. Of course I agree with everyone talking to your husband too but, let's face it, guys don't get the sentimental stuff for the most part. Your friend should understand that this really hurt your feelings to be left out of a very important and special time.

And I think it's a shame that people can criticize you for being on the phone. I was on the phone for 25 minutes today catching up with an elderly friend who doesn't get out and doesn't have family in the area. Since he can't get out much, he looks forward to having someone to talk to on the phone. You never know what the situation is and it's pretty harsh to judge someone without knowing all the facts. As women and mothers, I hope we can find a way to better support each other. Obviously you are upset. You shouldn't have to read negative comments accusing you of being the problem on top of being hurt.

Do try to find something for just you and your daughter to do. Maybe you can make snowflakes from construction paper to hang all over her room. It's simple but fun and they look so festive. Enjoy the holidays!

This seesm to be more about your friend than the tree.. but first things first- how old is your daughter? If you have had this talk with her and , like you said you and her have been shopping for weeks for just the right ornaments- you must sit down with your daughter and explain to her , that you knew she was feeling anxious about decorating the tree but that you feel very hurt because all of the work you two put into getting the ornaments- or you put into getting the ornaments- decorating without you really hurt your feelings and you feel left out of that special moment with her. For your husband- I know it may feel like your talking to a brickwall with him and at times he looks at you like your crazy but he needs to understand - which he should've from the time you bought the first ornament in the home - that decorating the tree without you was the wrong thing to do. How could he be so non-caring to your feelings as the mom, as the one who drove around and found just the right things for the tree, get him to admit you were the one who found the decorations , and to admit he knew how important it was for you to be there with your daughter- just like him to decorate her first tree together as a family. OK the big whopper - what really matters here- your friend- yes people should be nice and yes tis the season for giving.. I am sorry but your friend is not helping you right now- the anger and frustration you are feeling and the neglect that has slowing been moving up in your heart is because you are not really helping her. What you can do- seeing she does have family- I wonder why she isn't living with them,, anywhooo,. You must learn the word no, and not feel bad. Now since she is still in your home invading your family, go online in your city for social services and give her a list of places who can help her, educate her, and house her aka a shelter. I am not syaing turn your back on her but you must get her out of your house before you become so mad at her invading the space you allowed her to take up with her son and never speak to her again. If you think a shelter -which there are great family ones out there, is a bit harsh for your "Friend" , then here is your next option, give - yes give her money after you help her find a small apt. for her and her son. This is a small price to pay to feel comfortable in your own home and no matter what your hubby says- which should be nothing- get her out of your home asap. * You have work to do and you must be just as humble and and as happy as you were when you let her in your home. SOOOO roll your sleeves up with a great cup of coffee/tea and get to work restoring harmony into your home and things will be fine- next time - say" I am sorry but I can't" or a simple "no" would help you. You must remember how you felt about them leaving you out and remember how you feel each morning seeing her in your home with her little boy. she has to want more for her and her son , he deserves to have his own as well as your own daughter . have you spoken to your daughter about how she feels with them there. You have to open communication with your friend as well and see where her head and ideas are and what goals she has. If you work at this hard and with a well thought out plan you could have your home back to "normal' before christmas. Good Luck and let your fingers do the strolling thru the internet world.