Okay…this is going to be a weird one but please hear me out. I’m nervous about something that occurred a few days ago and I might be making a big issue out of nothing but if not, then I think I did something real stupid. I have an older teen daughter who has a boyfriend. Months ago, she came to me to talk to me about birth control and that she was thinking about sex and wanted to be responsible and informed. We always talk and I took her to the OB/GYN, got her on the pill, asked her to wait if she could, and did all the right things as a Mom. I also asked her to please urge her boyfriend to speak to his Mom or Dad as well for guidance so he could have support and counsel from them. I do know his parents and we have become friends over the past year. However, I did not and would not tell his parents that my daughter came to me about the sex issue. I felt it was not my place and that I needed to handle my own teen…not theirs. That information has been between me and my daughter, until two days ago. Here’s where it gets weird but hear me out. The boyfriend’s mother paid to have a private reading done by a well-known psychic. This is something she has done before…so I was told. In this reading, the psychic starts talking about her teenagers and pretty much blurted out that her son, my daughter’s boyfriend, is having sex and she needs to talk with him and give him guidance. She readily told this when the two of us met for lunch a few days ago. I nearly fell off my chair! Then she kept going on and on about it and wouldn’t drop the subject. I already knew her son was having sex…I’m the parent whose teen daughter actually came to them and asked for advice and help on the matter! Here’s where I think I went wrong….this lady was obviously distressed and very inquisitive about all this and after 20 minutes of listening to her stress over the thought that her son could be having unprotected sex, I confessed that my daughter came to me and that she is on birth control, armed with condoms, and has had counsel from her parents and my OB/GYN. I thought it would bring relief to the whole event, and it did. However, I can’t help but feel I betrayed my own daughter’s confidence and trust now and I feel sick over it. This lady was also visibly hurt that her son did not come to her even though my daughter advised him to do so. She also made a remark that her much older 20-something daughter still tells her that “she doesn’t do anything with her boyfriend of two years” and we probably all know, including the mom, that it’s probably not true. Right now, I feel awful and I feel like I was kind of “duped” as well. What if this psychic thing is really a big hoax and this was a plot to get me to tell her something that she just suspected but couldn’t confirm? What if this was a set-up to get information from me and I fell for it? I feel terrible and wish I could take the moment back. I have not told my daughter about this and I don’t know what to do. Do I tell her what happened or just let it go? Please…..if you have any advice on this…..I need some direction. For all this time I thought I was doing the right thing and leaving the boyfriend to make his own choices as to talking to his parents and getting guidance. Now they know and it’s my fault. What do I do now?
I wouldn't worry about betraying her trust. If she's a teen, you need to be in her business. If she waited until she was married, there wouldn't be a problem. If she is intimate as a teen and before married, then parents tend to get involved, as they should. Don't worry! Good luck!!
Whenever anyone is asking about someone else's private business that I happen to know, I simply suggest they talk to the specific person involved and change the subject. It's a little more tricky when it's about teens and sex, but I probably would have just suggested she talk to her son, since she's so worried and since he and your daughter are very close. It's over and done with now, however, so don't beat yourself up about it. I would at least give your daughter the heads-up so she and her boyfriend aren't caught unawares. She was honest and open with you, so return the favor, let her know you're now feeling badly about how you handled it, but were caught off-guard and don't want them to be if his parents confront either one of them. Also, I would take the opportunity to remind her that you appreciate her honesty and openness with you and you feel his parents deserve the same from him. Good luck!
You and your daughter seem to have an open and supportive relationship. I think that if you told her what happened and that you feel bad that you may have betrayed her confidence, she would probably understand. I think it would be best to hear about this story from you rather than her boyfriend or his mother. It may not end up being a big issue after all but it's a good lesson about trust and open communication for both you and your daughter.
Wishing you and your daughter all the best.
Well, it's a good thing you and your daughter are communicating and she is being responsible. You should probably tell her about the incident and apologize for breaking her confidence. You were put in an awkward position and you may have said too much. Did you say they were having sex or that they were prepared for that to happen? It makes some difference.
I second what Laurie D says , you seem to have a really good relationship with your daughter , I have 2 daughters (4 & 2) and I really hope to have this kind of relationship with them.
Whatever you are doing , keep doing , it would appear you are doing an awesome job as a parent!
I would tell her what happend, one, just so it can relieve your mind and conscience, because you know you wont feel better until you do. And two she would probably rather hear it from you then be questioned by her boyfriend and his parents. Just talk to her, you seem close and maybe it isnt as bad as it seems. And if it is then at least you were honest with her, and thats all you can do. You didnt mean to do it, you didnt intend to do it, but it happend and you didnt do it to betray her or hurt her, or even tell on her boyfriend. You did it because you were comforting your friend and his mother.
Just talk to her and hope for the best.
This is how I look at it. You simply told her that your daughter has come to you to discuss possibly being ready to have sex, and so you took the proper steps with her and gave her the information and tools she needed to protect herself, end of story. You didn't go into the details of your daughters sex life (which I am sure you wouldn't want to know). You did your job as a mom and that is what you told her, nothing more. I would tell your daughter just that. I don't think you would want her to hear it from her boyfriend.I am sure if you are that close she will understand you were only trying to put his mom at ease and assure her that both of your children were behaving responsibly. I do not think your intensions were anything other then that and I believe that your daughter will understand. Good job mom for being so open and REALISTIC!! with your daughter.
I think you sound like a fantastic, rational and compassionate mama. Take it easy on yourself. Motherhood doesn't miraculously make us perfect...We are still human! I would suggest telling your daughter what happened. Sure, she might be embarrassed and angry, but the bottom line is that you were simply being a loving mom and acting with good intentions. These situations are really complicated and big for the teens, but also for their parents. Even if she doesn't get it today, she will eventually understand and respect you for your support and trustworthy love.
It was not appropriate of you to discuss your daughter's sex life with boyfriend's mom or with anyone. If you think the boyfriend's mom will tell him of this discussion, then you must tell your daughter. Be prepared for her not to trust you with confidential information any longer. If the other mom brings up such a subject again, it would be best if you told her that it's not appropriate for you to discuss your daughter's sex life with her or with anyone. It's not like some friend was discussing her son with you, you were not an uninvolved party. If this mom does not have the relationship with her son that you've had with your daughter, and hasn't made sure that her son knows how to practice safe and responsible sex as you've made sure of for your daughter, that is her problem and you mustn't put your relationship with your daughter at risk over it.
I think you made a huge mistake. But it was a mistake, and now you have to own up to it. IMO you should have a talk with your daughter. Better she her it from you than BF.
I think that you shouldn't stress about this. If it was a "hoax" about the psychic, to "dupe" you, then the biggest problem in this scenario is that the boy's mother would stoop to manipulative and childish deception instead of an adult conversation, which makes her sound less mature than your teen daughter!
Assuming the psychic visit is real, the psychic is either (1) really psychic, or (2) smart enough to know that most teens have sex, therefore this woman's teen boy was most likely having sex, thus her "psychic information" was an easy and correct assumption. I bet on the latter, frankly.
Anyway, if you think the mother will say something stupid and it will get back to your daughter, just prevent that by telling your daughter of the strange events. Since you put the mother's mind at ease, she will probably not interfere, and it shouldn't affect your daughter. It depends on your relationship with your daughter, and how much you think this might bother her.
As you trust your daughter's judgment, she needs to trust YOUR judgment too. You felt that it was the best thing to do at the time, to give this information to a frantic parent.
you did exactly what i would have done. you kept your promise to your daughter by not bringing it up to the other mom. you didn't spill the beans right off the bat. all you did was ease the wild imagination of your daughters boyfriend. i would much rather know my kids are being safe rather than not. i would tell your daughter. tell her what happened bc you never know what the boyfriends mom has said or will say- or what hes gonna say to your kid. clear the air, clear your conscience and keep that trust with your daughter. im sure she will understand. and be proud of her for coming and talking to you about it. thats a sign of maturity. maybe some of it should have rubbed off on the boyfriend.
theywould have done it anyway. you were responsible and they were going to find out sooner or later and both kids have to take responsibility for thier actions its called becoming an adult. honor the other parents decisions if they dont want your daughter around no more respect that.
Reading between the lines, it seems like the Mom of the boyfriend just wanted to warn you that her son is having sex. Since your daughter is his girlfriend, she might have felt guilty that she knew, and you possibly didn't know. The whole psychic story could be true, although a bit dramatic, but that sounds like this woman's style. I think she just wanted to tell you and didn't know how else to do it. I feel It's just as much her responsibility as a mother to protect the girlfriend too, by letting the mother (you) know. I definitely don't condone the way she did it, but she told you, rather than hiding the fact that her son is having sex and could potentially get your daughter into trouble. Which happens all too often. I would tell your daughter, maybe not so dramatically, but tell her that his mother also knows and that the both of you just want them to be smart and safe, and of course, wait!! (BTW, I don't think you betrayed your daughter)
Yes, you were definately set up. There is no such thing as a psychic - they are all fakes. If they guess that someone recently got divorced, for example, they are bound to be right b/c people are always getting divorced! My point - there is no way that this "psychic" said EXACTLY what you said! Don't associate with your daughter's boyfriend's mom anymore! She seems very manipulative. I think you should definately tell your daughter what happened so she hears it from you and no one else. Apologize and tell her you think you might have been set up and that you NEVER intended to betray her trust and that you feel awful about it and could she please forgive you. I'm sure your daughter will forgive you if you take that approach. I think you're being too hard on yourself, so please drop this burden you are putting on yourself. Just set yourself free by telling your daughter what happened. I can only hope that your daughter doesn't end up marrying this guy someday - can you imagine having this manipulative woman as part of your family??? Be civil whenever you run into her, but NEVER socialize with her again. Good luck and let us know if you tell your daughter and how she reacts!
Just tell your daughter what you just told us... it's a cuckoo story, she'll prolly laff.
First of all, that boy's parents have a right to know that their son is having pre-marital sex. If it were my child, I would want to know and I would feel betrayed that the other parents knew but did not have the courage to inform me. It's best that the mom knows. As for you feeling that you betrayed your teenage daughter, you didn't mention how old she is but I'm guessing she is under the age of 18. She is not an adult and I'm guessing neither is her boyfriend which gives the parents on both sides equal rights to having a say and right to know in what their child is doing. I believe the right thing to do is for all parties involved to sit down and talk about this, like adults, including the boy and your daughter. You need to evaluate how you would feel if your daughter went to his parents for "permission" to have sex with their son, how would you feel if it was his parents (or his mother) who armed your daughter with condoms and birth control? Imagine how the parents of this boy feels. They are children and if they want to engage in adult behavior, then they need to grow up, act like adults, and openly discuss how they plan to protecting themselves from pregnancy and diseases (do you know for sure they will always use a condom? Do you know your daughter will always remember to take her pill at the same time each day? Do you know for sure the boyfriend won't cheat on your daughter, contract a disease and give it to your daughter? Do you even know that he doesn't have any diseases now???)...and more importantly, they need to have a plan on what to do in the event that an unplanned pregnancy (or disease) occurs. The best advice I can offer is for everyone to have a family gathering about this and move on from there.
Don't regret what's already happened... when the boyfriend's mom confronted you on the issue you couldn't just lie and hide things from her and feel OK with that so you told what actually happened. There are plenty of genuine psychics who could have picked up on her son's situation so she could be telling you the truth about that. Your choice now is to tell or not tell your daughter about the boyfriend's mom getting you to share the news with her. You may as well be honest with her now about what happened and let her know that you are glad she's honest with you and disappointed her boyfriend wasn't open with his parents, which led to this awkward situation.
Yes, you betrayed your daughter. You need to figure out how to make up the damage you have done to your daughter's trust.
I go to YokaReeder.com for help.
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Tell your daughter what happened so she won't be blindsided by her boyfriend's mom and then get one with life.
The pill only protects your daughter from pregnancy it doesn't protect her from sexually transmitted diseases or emotional drama/trauma or embarrassment.
I wouldn't put another thought or energy into this after telling her what happened. I hope this helps.
