I Teach My Kid to Lie....

May sound strange...but the omit the truth and say no thank you and don't say it if it's rude...to me is lying just like saying yes we love that. What a concept.

However, yes I have fallen into the trap of similar instances as you have...and those who claim to never have...well good for them...all perfect! But I am not perfect and sometimes I make bad judgement calls...but I think it happens.

I avoid that stuff by telling them the truth up front!! What is the problem in saying, " my daughter doesn't seem to like sloppy joes, but she needs to venture out of the cheeseburger/pizza world... besides, you make awesome sloppy joes, so make them anyways!"

And what's the problem in saying, "Thanks for the tracksuit, It is very much her style... but it is SO much her style that she has something like that already! lol! But thanks for the spot-on gift, you know my daughter so well!"

WHATS the problem in saying those things!?!?

No, I don't teach my children to lie, but I do tell them to keep negative comments to themselves, that it is rude, but I don't counter that knowledge with a lie.

no I do no think it's ok to lie or teach your kids to lie. Why not just be honest with your friend about the sloppy joes. It's such a silly thing to lie about. And about the outfit, why not just be thankful that your daughter now has a newer one? If it's comfy, just keep it. Who cares if it's the same color or style as the other one. You are teaching your daughter to lie and that's not something to be proud of

I don't see why you couldn't just be honest. It's not the end of the world that your daughter doesn't like sloppy joe. I don't believe there is "good" lying and have never told my children to lie. I think encouraging your daughter to lie will create a confusion. Maybe when your daughter starts telling YOU a bunch of "good lies" then your feelings will change.
I also see you running into some issues in your friendship with Sara once she discovers your "good lies". I had a friend that lied about a bunch of petty things and you'll note that I used the word "had". When people discover someone is willing to lie about minor things they question that person's integrity and lose respect and trust. If you value your relationships then you'll apologize to your daughter for putting her in that position and you'll come clean with your 'peach" of a friend.
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Your SWH response to me was immature. You came on here and told your business about your issues with honesty and now you're mad because you don't like my response. Funny thing is that I'm not the only one who feels this way so I suppose seeing for the upmteenth time that people disagree with the way you handled things struck a nerve with you. Or perhaps it was because I mention that your daughter is going to do this "good lying" against you one day. Just so you know, I don't have issues with my ex-friend because I saw that she, like you, had some growing up to do so I let her go do that. When you finally learn true friendship you'll realize that what is hurting your friend is you being a liar and not thinking enough of her to be honest. When you learn to parent better you'll realize the error of teaching your daughter to be a liar. I'm sad for you and your friend, but I'm especially sad for your child that you put in such an awkward position.
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I'm "taking out" something on you? I have no idea why you would think that as I did not berate you. I merely answered your question on a post that you titled, "I teach my kid to lie". I didn't say or phrase anything to you that anyone else didn't. A couple of people even gave you links to articles about the ills of teaching your child to lie. You already knew it was wrong and admitted as much in your post. Then because person number 10 (or whatever number my response was), says something you feel attacked. Makes no sense. Now I'm thinking that I struck a nerve by saying that you won't like it when your daughter starts telling you "good lies". Well, that's what usually happens. Parents instill the wrong things then are upset when it comes back on them. Now I wonder if you lie a lot and/or frequently tell your little girl to lie. If your daughter has a dad in her life I wonder what he would think of this if he knew... Hmmm... Anyway, I sincerely hope you'll mature and stop before it's too late and before you've ruined your friendship and before you do any/more psychological damage to your little girl. I'm done responding to you because it's obvious that you are not thinking clearly by taking one response of several and feeling it is something personal against you. It really wasn't. For future reference, it's best not to reveal info about things that you're sensitive about. Be well.

hmmmmm its a dangerous game i think. My ex's mom taught him to lie instead of dealing with peoples feelings and having to deal with the consequences and it led to him thinking ling was acceptable. There is a diference though because she would have him lie over everything.
I don't see how the sloppy joe lie was needed. Why would it hurt your friends feelings to say no she doesnt like sloppy joes but make them anyway she needs to eat other things. Or that sounds fine and if your daughter got there and didn't want to eat them then deal with it then? I wouldn't tell my daughter to pretend to lvoe them. I might say "my friends making sloppy joes, I know you don't love them but you're going to eat dinner there so I'd appreciate not whining and to eat your dinner nicely?" My daughter wouldn't touch sloppy joes and shes 5 so theres no convinicing her to eat them anyway...shes ask for a plate of veggies probably instead...so I;d probably say no Emmy is an odd one she doesnt like them she'd rather veggies...wierd right? but I love them, so make what youd like and Emmy will be ok.
As for the track suit. I wouldnt have returned it with my daughter and told her to lie I'd probably return it on my own and then not mention it.
i'm always confused on this subject...there seems to be a thin line and I'm not sure where it is.

Molly, my husband's mom taught them growing up that if they didn't have anything good to say about the menu or presents, to say thank you and nothing else. That is not a lie. That is good manners. You can teach your child to omit a definitive answer that is untrue and use words that make the other person feel good without lying.

However, I don't blame you for doing this. Especially asking your daughter not to tell her you took back the track suit. Your daughter is a smart cookie - SO many kids just blurt stuff out and it's a shame. She could say something like "I really enjoy wearing MY track suit." She isn't saying "your track suit", so it's not lying, and it's not hurting your friend's feelings.

Good for you!
Dawn

No good lying. You could say my kids, daughter, doesn't really like sloppy joes but she can try them and we appreciate your thoughtfulness and making them, etc. As it was your daughter wasn't hurt by trying them. I think kids learn this 'situation ethics' from parents and then we end up with not being able to trust anyone. Is that what you want? I don't.

I've been thinking about this too!

I think I would stick with the simple "tell the truth, except where to do so might hurt that person or others"

That seems to allow for the white lies:
you look great today!
That was a very interesting question.
I love tube socks for christmas!

But still keep in tact the basic honesty we want our kids (and other human beings) to exhibit.

As far as the dinner goes, I would have done the same thing. I think it's good for kids to get out of their comfort zone ince in a while.
About the birthday gift. Simply say OMG she loves it but she got another one in almost the same color a few months ago and had already worn it. So we exchanged the one you got her for another color or outfit. A really good friend won't care that you exchanged it as long as you and your daughter are happy.
Honesty is the best policy. I would be hurt if I bought a gift for someone and I never saw them wear it. I would think they didn't like it and had tossed it or given it away. Tell her how much you appreciate her kindness but exhanged her gift is soo much better.

I don't believe there is good lying, but I do believe that you can teach tact and grace when you are in situations that require delicacy. For instance, with the sloppy joes, I would have had NO problem telling my friend, "Sloppy joes are great. I'll give you a heads up that my child can be a stinker about trying new things, but I bet you can sell it to her and I'll give her a pep talk before she gets there." No reason to lie whatsoever.

Now, the track suit, that's a little trickier. I understand not wanting to have two of the same thing. I may have kept both anyway. But that's where you teach your child that when you receive a gift, no matter what, you receive it graciously. You don't announce, "Oh, I already have one of these." or "I hate this color." You simply say thank you and say it genuinely because you should always appreciate the thoughtfulness someone else has shown even if it creates a personal dilemma (like not liking it, having duplicates, etc.). And that's really, from what I am reading in your post, what you want to convey to your daughter: to be gracious and not make other people feel bad.

how i was taught when we are at someones house for dinner is to always be a good guest. eat what your served even if you dont like it. it was just good manners.

as for the gifts people cant expect every person to love the gift they got them. tell her the truth. say dd loved it but had one really close to it and wanted to get something different.

I would have to agree with some of the other mom's on here. My daighter is just about 9, and of course opinionated. I am teaching her that it is not ok to lie, but to keep mean things or hurtful things to herselg. Like not getting a birthdfay present you may have wanted, be thankful for someones thought even if you may not like it. I try to explain to them and show them how it's best to be honest with people, and be upfront.

You need to work on getting creative.... :)
There's a fine line between those little white lies and the social etiquette. Unitl your daughter understands those yep try to work around it...For example on the sloppy joe. You could have said to your friend when she asked....Oh no problem Sara don't ask me what to cook...We are grateful you are doing this we'll be happy with whatever you serve. Your daughter asks about what's for dinner and you tell her...well it's Sara's house and she can make whatever she'd like. It would be polite if you would just try a little bit of what she makes. You might enjoy it. etc..etc...

Best wishes :)

it is perfectly possible to courteous and kind without lying. you'll do your kids a far, far greater service by working with them on that.
khairete
S.

I think you need to work on finding ways to express the information in a better way, and also take some ownership of this yourself, instead of having your child lie to make someone else feel better.

So, next time Sara says, "I'll make dinner. How about X for dinner?" Be honest and say DD hates everything but pizza & burgers, but all the rest of the kids love it." Sara is a good friend, and I seriously doubt she'll be upset (or even particularly surprised) to find out one kid is picky.

And for the track suit, you should have told Sara, (not have your child tell her) that the track suit was returned because she one that is almost identical to it (maybe insert joke about Sara's great taste?! :), and say that DD picked out another outfit that she loved instead, and then have DD tell her thank you for it.

I think teaching good manners and appropriate ways and times to share feelings/opinions is really the key here. NOT lying.

BTW, you might want to read this: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=1122...

You are doing your kids a HUGE disservice by teaching them to lie. You can still be truthful and avoid hurting someone's feelings----Its all in the way you say it. I completely 100% disagree with you that its ok to lie to avoid hurting someone's feelings. If you were feeling ok with it, you wouldn't have posted and tried to justify your actions. Right?

Check this article out...
http://nymag.com/news/features/43893/

Molly,

I don't know that you are teaching your child to lie so much as teaching her that sometimes we do, or say, things to spare our friends feelings.

For example; My sister is staying with us for a couple of months. My 15 year old son is fairly picky about food. My sister has prepared a few meals. He has not really liked them - I could tell because he ate little at dinner and then made PBJ sandwiches later. LOL But, I told him to eat what he liked off the plate and not to express his dislike of the meal because it would have hurt her feelings if he said he did not like it. She is a good cook - just cooks different recipes than I do.

Is this lying? Hmmm, maybe - but it hurt no one. So I am with you on the Sloppy Joe thing. The track suit may have been pushing the lying line. But it was a tough one. Maybe, in the future, discuss with your friend what your daughter needs/wants as present ideas. But, I have to admit, there have been times when my son received a gift from a friend or family that he did not like and I surely told him to say it was great anyway. Again, why hurt the giver?

Tricky, tricky, this lying line, isn't it.

She sounds like a terrific friend - you are both very blessed!!!!

This is a tough one. I don't teach my kids to lie, but I also tell them that sometimes we don't share things that might hurt someone's feelings. I wouldn't tell my kid to lie and say they LOVE sloppy joe's, but to be respectful and thankful and eat it anyway. I make my kids eat whatever we have for supper, so its pretty common for them to eat stuff they don't like. And most people understand that kids are picky. I'd tell the lady, my kids have learned to eat what's put before them - or something like that. That way you're not lying and they don't have to worry about pleasing a picky kid. Because that was the reason for the lie, to make her feel better right? :)

About the track suit, you don't have to tell someone you exchanged the gift they gave you. You can thank them for the gift and leave it at that. If they ask you how did it fit or do you like to wear it, you could mention that though you really liked it - you had something so similar at home already so exchanged it for this other really cool outfit that you wear all the time. People usually are not super attached to what they bought you, they just want to know that you appreciate the gift they gave. You did and would've kept it had you not had a similar outfit at home. It would be rude to bring that up to them out of the blue, but if they pester you - its totally fine to let them know. What if it had been too small? You would've had to exchange it. People understand that stuff, and should not be offended by that. And those that are just need to lighten up! lol

It is confusing to kids to think its okay to lie sometimes. Pretty soon they will be using that to their advantage - and what is scary is that sometimes they don't even realize they're doing it. In sticky situations where you don't want to tell the truth - where it hurts someone's feelings - you can either avoid the question of outright say you'd rather not answer. Or learn to answer in a diplomatic way. Say someone asks if something makes them look fat. Obviously you wouldn't say, yep it does! But you can learn to say something like, I really like that color, but I'm not sure that's the most flattering fit, what about this instead... Whatever. I wouldn't want to walk out of the house in something unflattering because my friends were too afraid to tell me the truth.

Anyway, you get what I'm saying. There is a way to be honest without hurting someone else's feelings.

Best wishes!

It's not really OK to lie, but it is okay (in my humble opinion) to omit information to save someone's feelings. My biggest "omission" tends to surround what someone is wearing/ hairdo, etc. If I don't think it's flattering, I just don't comment on it. If pushed, then I will spin it and say something like "It's such a different look for you, how do you like it?" and go from there.

Brutal honesty at the expense of someone's feelings isn't OK either.

In this case, I would have done the same thing with respect to the Sloppy Joe's. However, I would have told the truth with respect to the track suit... IF she asked, sort of. If Sara asked "did she like the track suit?" The honest answer is "Yes, she loved it". If she pushed for more info, then you could come clean and say that "great minds think alike and great-aunt so-and-so bought her the same one, so I did have to return it and bought her an adorable ________ to go with it".

I totally know where you are coming from - you don't want to put anyone out or make them feel bad. But, your heading on your post is your answer. I struggle with what the best response should be in social situations. I wasn't raised with the best of manners and have been learning on my own as I go.

You now have the opportunity to really think about how you want to handle these types of situations and how you want to word them. I like the answers given and will use them, especially for clothing gifts that are duplicates or very similar - that happens a lot at our house.

It's all a learning process. I try to ask myself "What am I teaching my daughters, when I do X or say X?" It kinda keeps me on my toes. :) Best of luck mama. Doing the best job you can as a parent, is a hard job!

On the sloppy joes, it's okay. It's about teaching kids to appreciate the effort and good intent that someone else makes for you. It's manners and social graces.

On the gift, not okay. It was entirely opposite of your first attempt. You focused on the thing and not the intent. That's not good manners.

I think you were not trying to "lie" but to spare your friend's feelings, but I think there are better ways to go about it than to tell an actual lie. For the sloppy joes - I would have just said,"My daughter is picky, but she WILL eat whatever you make for supper, like it or not, that is our rule, we don't cater to the minority". I would tell the daughter, "Sara will be making Sloppy Joe for supper, and that is what there is - I expect you to act grown up and eat what you are given and be thankful for it, even if it is not your favorite."

As for the track suit - if she was not asked about it she could just not talk about it, or if they ask just say "Thanks I really LOVED the outfit, you know, I already had one almost exactly like it, so we exchanged it for something different - it was this and this and this. I really appreciate what you got me and I like my exchanges too, and thank you for understanding why we traded it in!"

We can be honest and kind, too. We can also teach our kids and follow the age old rule "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."