I Really Want to Support My Sister ...

You are supporting her right to be in charge of her own life, which is very different from supporting her actual choices.

Yah for self-determination!

Supporting someone isn't always about saying what other people want to hear.

Tell her what you need to tell her, and in a kind way. "I was so surprised that you are getting married. How does X and your daughter get along? How does your daughter feel about this?"

or

"Wow. I know this is exciting for you. Does he make you happy? Would he be willing to go with you to premarital and family counseling? I think this would be a good idea, because I know you are over the moon for this guy, but this is a lot for (daughter's name) and it would be good for her to have someone to talk to."

I've been very, very frustrated with some of my siblings romantic choices. It is unfortunate that there isn't more balance in how some people consider their newest romantic relationships when they have children. Especially children of divorce--they many feel they have no 'say' in things whatsoever. It sounds like an awful lot is happening with your sister and her daughter... my tack would be to advocate as much as you can along lines of concerns for your niece and not to criticize the New Guy too much.

I wouldn't be concerned for your sister.. but I would be VERY concerned for your niece. She is only 8, losing her father, and now some new guy moves in? He could be a child molester, a jerk, a womanizer... anything, and she is taking a big risk exposing her daughter to him right now. Even if he is a perfectly nice guy, it is still a lot for a little girl to deal with.

I perhaps talk to my sister not about her choice of man... but about the hardships it could be doing to her daughter to move so quickly. Nicely ask her if they have done premarital counseling, and how beneficial it can be. Other than that, my lips would be sealed. You can be supportive of her.. without being supportive of her decision.... does that make sense?

Eh, my sisters screw up all the time. As do I.

When they're all happy and crazy about something, I am happy and crazy right along with them.

When it doesn't work out, I'll be the first one in line agreeing with them when they complain about the rotten bastard.

In between, we may joke about our tendencies, patterns, choices, put it out there with humor.

But in the end, it doesn't matter WHAT they do, I'll be cheering them on everytime.

Cuz that's what sisters do, right?

:)

I understand your concerns. I think you should voice your concerns to her in a positive way as much as possible. Remind her that people do wild and silly things when they're in the lovey stage of it. Remind her too that jumping into it usually causes mistakes, if they're in love it will hold on, no need to rush. Listen to her talk about him and ask questions about him in a natural way. Pray for her to make the "right" choices and see and act clearly.
My sister has had three relationships since her divorce the first one while still in the process of divorce. The family was not happy and especially with the last one, they were very upset that she was going to marry him. A few family members let her know how wrong he was and she didn't really know him. They had found each other after so many years/use to date in high school. Something like what your sis is doing. Family members came to me about it and I understood and even felt the same way, but I told them, "she's a big girl and you just have to let it go and put it in God's Hands." They didn't like my answer. When my sis told me how the other family members talked to her and all, she was completely angry so much so she refused to talk to them anymore. It caused a lot of hurt feelings. Anyway, months have passed and guess what, they're no longer engaged he moved across the country and they're broken off. So just go with this as best you can, love her but don't necessarily agree with her.
The very best to you and your sister

You support her by continuing to be there for her while voicing your concerns. Tell her that you cannot encourage her because of your own belief system; that people need to get divorced before taking on a new relationship.

I would add a somewhat dramatic concern here. Too often violence ensues when on person moves in a third person before the previous relationship is officially over. She is officially still married.

The fact that she's not introducing her new boyfriend to the family is a red flag for me. Why is she keeping him in "hiding?" Does she know that you won't like him. And if so, why is she engaged? She needs her family's support in any relationship that she has. Is she willing to "lose" her mother for this man?

I suggest that you can be there for her without approving of her choice. I'm a believer in honesty and think you should be open and honest with her about your feelings.

It sounds like they are thinking only of themselves and not looking out for the best interest of the child! I would imagine this news and a random stranger just moving into her home would be very hard to take and will cause some problems. I would encourage you to talk to your sister and tell her while you respect her and love her, you don't like the choices she is making and the ones that are interfering with your neice. They are moving way too fast and since she isn't even divorced yet, that in itself is wrong.(*in my opinion) So...tell her how you feel and let her sit with it for a while. Maybe she will wake up and realize it is better to move slowly and introduce her child slowly to this rather than turning her whole life upside down in an instant because they feel they are in love. Best wishes and let us know what happens!

My first impluse thought...is that he needs a port to dock in...and then my next thought that some men get with women who have children for devious reasons(I know...not a nice thought)...not a whole lot you can do about it...just wish for the best.

Sounds a bit like my sister. She's once divorced, jumped right into a horrible 10 year relationship, found another dead in relationship before she broke that off and again had someone "lined up" before she ended that one. And this guys seems to be no better then the rest yet she walks around talking about how wants to marry her after only 2 months and this guys' never even taken her out on a date.
It's annoying, it's frusturating and basically sad. Obviously there are self esteem issues for our sisters. And while we wish for better for them, we can't change it. So if we want a relationship w/ them we just have to be supportive regardless if we don't like it. Because in the end, we'll be the ones getting pushed away.

I would be concerned about him moving to be with her so soon - why is he so willing to drop everything for someone he hardley knows? He must not have any close relationships and that's a red flag. The fact that his children don't talk to him and he's been divorced A FEW times. Another huge flag.

My mom is in a live-in relationship with a man the family does not approve of, AT ALL. And for good reason. When my mom first started in this relationship, I had a calm and respectful conversation with her about my concerns. I prepared for this talk because I wanted to air all my concerns at one time and not feel like I left anything unsaid. After I did that I did not speak to her about him again. She knew how I felt and sometimes I would ask her the hard questions "Mom, how is he going to save for a place of his own if he is taking you on vacation?" "Mom, how is he buying alcohol without a job?" "Mom, why are you working all day and doing everything around the house while he does noting?" But it is her life and there was a choice to be made. I could be indignant or I could accept her choice an love her anyway. I chose the later. My sister chose the former and they now have a strained relationship.

I would tell your sister your concerns and love her anyway. If you are indignant she will not share anything about her life with you and you are not close enough to see what is happening for yourself. If she feels you are not judging her (but supporting her) she will be more likely to confide in you. Otherwise you will loose touch.

I would be HOT. But sometimes being there for your siblings is just being there for them - regardless of whether you agree with the way they are living their lives.

I've had to learn this one the hard way. But I'd rather have my siblings in my life.

Since you haven't met him, you cant be too upset about him. As you said no opinion yet, is there anyone near your sister whose opinions you trust? a cousin or friend who is not a man hater. Since her marriage has been over in her heart for a very very long time, I'm not thinking she's moving all that fast. I started dating before my divorce was through. I had been SO lonely for so long. She did not go from happily married to wanting a divorce so if she wanted a divorce for five years she's been unhappily married for at least 6 years. That's a LONG time to go without a man's company, attraction, love, etc
Since she had known him previously, again it's not the same as moving a stranger into her home.
I dont know your sister, the people on here do not know your sister. But you do. Does she have a habit of hanging around child molesters? physical abusive men?? Criminals? If so you have reason to worry.

I think if I read this right that since she is not yet divorced if she wants to keep her daughter and not have the future ex be nasty she better hold the reigns on this one. Some courts still don't like this type of situation even though it might be commonplace. As for the man himself-your sister is probably attracted to the same kind of person (which in this case is an emotionally or physically unavailable person) and probably will have problems. But those are hers-not yours.

I wouldnt be happy.

I TRY not to judge people, but when it comes to children, you can never be too careful. What if he is a child molester? Wife abuser?

It sounds like your sister has a really hard time being alone and that is blinding her from making good decisions.

I would ALWAYS be there for my sister if she needed me, but I do not think I could "support" her in this.