I live with my boyfriend and his daughter who is almost 2. She has a mom who is in her life. But we (her dad) has more days of visitation. When she is with us, she is so attached to me--which I adore, but sometimes its a little excessive. She does love to play with Daddy and kiss him, and receive kisses, all that fun lovable stuff. But the problem is she won't go to her father when she has a boo boo, or if he gives her a bath I have to be in the room or she throws a tantrum, and same for being put to bed/getting fed, etc. She is surrounded by women (her grandma and great grandma watch her 5 days a week from 8-5) which is one reason why this may be. We need her to know Daddy is just as fit as me, if not better, to do all the care taking things. Not to mention, I don't like the pressure of always being the one to put her to bed/bath/etc. I feel like a full on mom and he is the dad that gets to do all the fun stuff and I'm not even her real mom. I'm her future Step-Mom I guess you would say. She goes back and forth to her moms and dads and before living with us, she was living with her grandparents. Its a long drawn out story, but she is in a wonderful home with her Dad and me now (we have her during the week and every other weekend). I don't, however, know what her mom's situation is like where she lives or what its like for her when she's there. We do know that she has always had female care takers.
We only know how she is with us and right now, she is so clingy to me, calling me mama, and won't let Daddy help out. How do we break this? I want her to be able to come to me--I LOVE that and am so lucky she likes me so much. but it breaks my heart to see her dad sad that she won't let him do the things a Daddy should do and loves to do. She totally loves him, and I can see that when they play, but all the care taking tasks she throws a tantrum for. When he tried to comfort her after she bumped her head tonight, she screamed and squirmed until she broke from his arms and came running to me. But later she played with him forever, tickling each other and playing with blocks. So how do we fix this?? Do I need to take a break from doing the baths and bedtimes and diaper changes or what??
Thank you to everyone who has commented and offered their words of wisdom!! It has relieved a lot of worries for both her dad and me. I love having her around and wish she was my own...I like to call her my "bonus baby" and maybe someday she'll think of me as her "bonus mom". In the meantime, finding out that this is just a stage kids go through of attachment to one parent or another is great to hear. Although our situation is unique and she may be confused as to who mama really is, I think I'll just keep doing what I'm doing and give to her what I would give to a child of my own. I am truly in love with this girl and wish things were different so that i didn't have to question my involvement. But my hope is that she feels the love we share everyday, and that our relationship will grow into something she'll always cherish, and that I can be someone she can trust and look up to. That's my hope! Thank you all again. We're gonna also work on integrating daddy into more bedtime/bathtime stuff too! And make him change more dirty diapers :) You all are So helpful!
Don't look now but you're living the life of every mother on the planet! We ALL feel like we need a break from the constant care giving.
At that age (and younger) it's all about "mommy" but the daddy appreciation will come later.
HI. Welcome to the "terriable two's"!! Believe it or not what you are going through is totally NORMAL for any two year old. I have three girls and one was totally attached to Daddy and the other two were attached to me...believe it or not it is a stage and you will get through it. I recommend you get the book: What to expect the Toddler years. It is a great, easy to read and use book that I absolutly LOVED when it came out and still referr back to it with the little one's I babysit. It may help if you go to the library to study once in a while before bed/bath time. Give Dad and daughter some time alone, and yourself a bit of a break. With time, care, lots of common sense and not getting caught up in drama you will all be fine. Remember, kids live in the moment, they have no sense of time and really they don't hold grudges. You can't control what goes on at her Mother's home, just keep your rules simple, consequences simple and immediate and give her lots of structure and love and it will all be okay. Best wishes.
You are a mom now. With it comes that feeling of "Oh my God, why do they neeeed me so much? How do I get my life back?". Enjoy it. It doesn't last as long as you would like it to. She obviously loves you. Keep up whatever you are doing with her, but remember to take breaks every now and then for "me time".
It sounds like she simply relates more to a female figure to take care of her. My youngest does this also. He wants only me and screams for me if his dad tries to do things with him.
One thing that's easy is to do things together with her. When it's her bath time both of you go in with her. After a few minutes, you walk out and leave Daddy. If she gets upset, wait a couple seconds and come back. You can do this in pretty much any situation. Bath, bed, boo boos "Oh honey let me run in the other room and get the ointment. OH I forgot the bandaids" Anything to leave her with dad but you are still coming in and out of the room so she sees you. Gradually you can stay out longer and then start having Daddy take her to the bath, bed, boo boo station with you following a few seconds or minutes later. She will start to accept that both of you can care for her.
It sounds like she's had a lot of inconsistency in here life. It's possible she's latched on to you for some reason. Your voice, hair, eyes, anything remind her of a time she was safe and that's why she wants only you. You and your bf should work together to take care of her so that she gets used to both of you. Even if you have to "run to the store" while Daddy gets her bath started.
Good luck!!
It's extremely common for babies and toddlers to prefer one parent for weeks or months, sometimes even to the point of "rejecting" the other. This occurs even without the sort of complications your SD has experienced, so is probably an even stronger feature in her uneven emotional landscape. And, she could see you as the more cuddly, reassuring, or nurturing parent figure. (Warn your BF not to rub his beard stubble on her – it may create reluctance to cuddling.)
That will probably all change when she enters a new stage, perhaps becoming more adventurous. Usually, at some point, little girls fall in love with their daddies, and may even want to marry them.
Assure your BF that he doesn't need to take this personally. Sometime in the next year or two, he'll become the favorite, and you'll feel like yesterday's leftovers. I hope you won't take it seriously, either.
She's not trying to be hurtful, and it will not be a kindness to her emotional development to try to manipulate or guilt her out of her authentic needs and feelings. Keep in mind, at her age, she has no way to filter her emotions. She's just honest, and that's a good thing.
Thoughts like "the things a daddy SHOULD do" almost always cause us emotional pain, and it's unnecessary if we investigate more closely. Those "shoulds" and "oughts" are terrible troublemakers. Right now you are providing this sweet child with something she needs very much. She will be emotionally stronger and happier because you are there for her.
This is sooooo normal. My little guy is 3 1/2 and still - I have to get up with him in the morning - I have to fix the milk - I have to ... what ever. He finally will go places with his papa but that's it. We adopted him at 6 months and I am actually his step grandma but that doesn't change the fact that I'm also mom. One of these days he will ignore me completely but for now I am delighted that he "worships the ground I walk on".
Her daddy needs to pair himself more with fun activities without you around. And yes, you should probably take a break from some of the bath/bedtime routine at least SOME of the time. It will be easier for all of you if you aren't even in the house-go do some shopping and come back after you know she's in bed. If you aren't an option it will be easier. Good luck!
My daughter is exceptionally attached to me. She loves her Daddy VERY much, but she is closer to me. Almost all children go through a "I want this parent more" stage. It's very common, and since she lives with you the majority of the time, she probably thinks you're her actual mother, and birth mom is like a step-mom. I wouldn't worry about it. She will grow out of it. My husband gets sad alot, also because my daughter wants me more than him, but he gets over it.
Is there a reason her mom didn't get more time with her? That could be one of the problems. Maybe there's some issues going on when she's over there and she just feels more comfortable around you.
Good luck!
It sounds to me like she is a bit insecure right now, although picking one parent during certain stages is not that unusual, but I would try having you bathe her, let him play with her after for a bit and then both put her to bed. Share the diaper changing and other little jobs like that and maybe take turns reading her a story at nap time or bedtime and then she'll see you both together caring for her. I hope this little girls life gets some stability to it soon.
That's what you have to look forward to if you become his wife. I take it you do not have children of your own, but you are the woman there and at that age, she needs "mommy" care, not daddy, especially for the fact that he is estranged from her real M.. If they had been together all the time, she would probably gravitate to him on occasion, but for now, you are mommy and if you plan on being step M., that's just one of the "annoyances" you have to look forward to or adjust to. She needs you, take pleasure in the fact she is drawn to you, and try to make the best of it instead of playing the "outsider" by saying in essence "Go to your dad, I am not your mother...I am too busy studying for under grad school" If you need to concentrate on school, you may want to suggest to your boyfriend to negotiate more time with grandma, but if that's not possible, then that's your new reality- You have a daughter to take care of.
Sorry this is late but my almost 3 year old is in this stage right now and it does hurt my husband's feelings. But we just keep going. No, tonight is daddy's turn to put you to bed (we take turns) and I give her a hug and kiss and leave. Any meltdown is short-lived. Or daddy is going to do the bath tonight, etc. I think the more we give-in, the more she would think she can control it and decide it should just be me.
To help kids adapt to parental remarriage, here are some tips:
Don’t expect all step-family members to love each other right away. Give it time. Be patient.
Before the remarriage occurs, negotiate a successful agreement on how to handle step-children (how strict to be, when and how to discipline them, etc.)
Let discipline be handled by the parent, at least initially (the step-parent should function as support for the primary parent)
Encourage kids’ perception of their step-parent as non-critical and nurturing
Provide the kids with frequent reassurance and as much information as is age-appropriate so that they know how their lives will be changing, what to expect, and that they will continue to be loved and attended to
Maintain comfortable old routines (Sunday family days, camping each Memorial Day, etc.) and create new routines that will forge bonds
Don’t exhibit defense reactions to things the kids say and do: if parents or step-parents exhibit defense reactions, kids will see that as reinforcing their fears of rejection that may come from the remarriage
While introducing your kids to the concept of your remarriage may not be a smooth and seamless process, it usually can be navigated to a successful outcome when the tips above are followed. Care4hire.com
