, I Need Venting, Feel Sad Now

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you asking "How do I and my family get to be invited to these events?"

That's what I would do.

When you say "Some girls take me out for grocery shopping and girls night out", does that mean you don't have the money for groceries & they buy you groceries and you can't afford to go out for girls night out so they pay for you?

Too late now, but when IF/when it happens again (if you don't discuss in advance with the pastor the way you feel), reply back:

"Looks like one of you will need to fill in because we have last minute plans and will be out of town, hope the rest of you have a great trip."

God didn't put you on Earth to be walked on, or to feel less important then others. Get off the pity train and stand up for your "fine" self.

I would likely say to him that you know I really hurt my feelings that everyone else was invited and my family was not invited. Is there any reason why?

I think I would try to be more direct with the junior Pastor. If you're hurting I would flat out ask him (in a nice way) why you were not invited along when you're part of the group.

Depending on his answer you may want to move on to a different setting for your spiritual life. Or he may have an answer that makes total sense and just never occurred to you. But you won't know unless you ask, and there's no reason to stew on it.

I would pray about it too and make sure I'm not missing some lesson from God on this one.

PS: I'm SOOOOO sorry you're feeling left out. That's really hard, especially when you're new somewhere. Hang in there. <<hugs>>

He's a pastor. If you can't talk to him and tell him how you feel, then there's a problem. And as a pastor, he should be more sensitive to his parishoners.

Sometimes the ones who holler "Christian" the loudest are the most inconsideration and unempathic people.

I would innocently say,

"Is there any way me and my family can be included in the group activities? I wasn't sure why I never know about them, is there something I'm supposed to be doing to find out about it? We'd love to participate, but I usually find out too late and I wasn't sure if or how to get involved."

It sounds like this is a trip for college students. I know your husband is doing some grad work, maybe PHD but that is not the same. Maybe I don't understand but it sounds like you are complaining about not being included in a group you have no reason to be included in.

I read your posts and I feel so sad for you because it seems like you find ways to feel like you are excluded. :(

ETA: thanks for clarifying the grocery shopping...

Elena:

I'm sorry.

You really need to talk with the pastor and convey your feelings to him.

You have expectations that are not being met. You need to have a face-to-face with him and tell him how hurt you are that you and your family are not included in the outings.

However, I believe you have posted about your finances in the past and if girls from the church are taking out for grocery shopping and paying for it - then they will "assume" you can't afford it and MIGHT NOT ask you to go places because they know you cannot afford it...

it might also be that YOU are the only mother in the group and these people, while in college, are not parents NOR married...who will watch your son? If it's a college outing - you would take your son? See what I mean? these people have 'freedom'...and don't want an "adult" weekend to be taken up with kids and the concessions that kids take when going out for a weekend.

You might need to re-evaluate the group and find a YOUNG PARENTS group instead of college group..

Still talk to the pastor...let him know your feelings.

good luck.

**Adding this, I read your edit:
No... asking the Pastor why, is not "desperate." IF you ask him, in an adult manner... you will not sound "desperate."
It is all about, HOW you ask a person, something.
But if you feel desperate, then it will come off as sounding, desperate.

Me, I wouldn't feel desperate about it. I would be, Irked. And I would tell him that it is not fair, to leave only ONE nursery worker there. HE needs to come up with another person to be there, too. That YOU will not be responsible for a whole group of kids there on Sunday. And, that you don't know why, only certain families were invited, on that trip.
--------------------------

Have you ever tried to ask him... why?

Next: Him leaving ONLY one, Adult, in the nursery on Sunday... is really, not being responsible, either. Assuming, Sundays are busy and there are lots of kids there in the nursery, delineating only ONE Adult supervisor nursery worker in the nursery, is really, dumb.

It sounds as if YOU believe you're part of the college ministry group in the church, but they don't consider you part of the college ministry group. There has to be a reason for that. If you were part of the group they would be inviting you along or you would get notifications about these trips occurring so that you could sign up for the outings.

Therefore, it's up to YOU to figure out what the reason for the discrepancy is and fix it. It's up to you to speak up for yourself. You're not being excluded so much as you're not actually part of the group. You're not "unwanted" so much as the group you want to be part of has no clue at all that you're feeling left out.

Ask some direct questions and find out what's going on. That will end the high school feelings you're having.

Most hurt feelings and disappointment are the result of unexpressed expectations. So express your desire to be involved!

*And--you should never "hate church" -- a sure sign of a bigger problem.

This would make me sad too! It's possible it's not malicious....like, maybe SOMEONE had to stay, so the people with more "seniority" went, but it doesn't explain the other events.

Maybe since you have been gracious about not being invited all along, they think you don't want to go and just accidentally haven't been as outgoing and inclusive as they should have been.

Worst case scenario, they are clique-ish or don't like you for some reason. But don't jump to this conclusion yet.

I think the best approach is to be direct without seeming hurt or angry. Talk to someone and say you would love to do those types of things in the future and ask if it would be OK. You shouldn't have to ask, but if you do, and they keep up this behavior, you'll have a reason to switch churches or suspect foul play. Maybe they'll be glad to hear you're interested and happily include you and feel silly for not doing so sooner.

I have a few "cliques" I'm "not quite part of". Some regulars at my gym, the other moms in the Tae Kwon Do waiting room three days per week. We're all friendly to each other, but I have not become part of the "inner circles" who hang out outside of these venues. I don't think they don't like me, I just personally don't want more involvement, and I'm not terribly social, so I think they sense I haven't taken that step into the "even deeper" friendships etc. If I was to start to be invited, I'd have to make the move. My friend (who I do see outside of the gym-she started going because of me) was talking about an event she was having for something else and the instructor-who we both LOVE- busted in and said. "Hey, can I Facebook friend you and come? I'd love to do that!" We were both like "Huh??! Awesome!" We wouldn't have thought to involve her, but were thrilled she asked.

Sorry for the sadness, but try to think the best and act positively for now! If you want to be more included, make it known!

***just read your update. The car thing could be a factor. They may assume you're just not able to do major things if you can't afford a car. They do sound nice to include you in carpools, but unfortunately being needy of help can be sort of a disadvantage in many ways. They probably genuinely like you, but you're not completely self-sufficient so it's a factor subconsciously. Can you possibly get a car? Whatever you do, just remain happy and positive and honest about what you are able to do and what you want. And be sure to be equally interested in them and their lives in case they may perceive things as one-sided since they are doing you favors. You need to get on equal footing as much as possible. If there is any other way to do your own shopping for a bit, it would be good. If they offer, go, but also go a few times on your own so they know you're not helpless. I'm as generous as they come, and very helpful to neighbors and friends, I always let them know they can call me, but it would be VERY difficult to take someone shopping. I have my hands FULL when I have to do that task. See if you can move past that a bit.

Hate to be ther bearer of bad news but you may need to go to the adult service and not the college service. Yes, the pastor may have kids, but he's the pastor, he doesn't count and neither do other "leaders" of the group. I have been to three churches while I was in college/grad school and once someone has kids they moved on to "new and young marrieds" groups. College groups are geared to more single college kids and married without children. Look to see if your church offers groups like that, or check other churches in your area, they are out there! If it still gets to you and you need more explanation, schedule a meeting with the college pastor and he can explain everything to you.

How rude! Next time you see him ask him why they do not take your family in consideration for trips etc...you have every right to understand.

There should not be so much drama with going to church and you should want to go. I personallly would find a different church.

You need to talk to him and flat out say you feel excluded, what is going on? I think otherwise it sounds like you don't want to go and are fine with it when you aren't. If it is a college ministry, I wonder if they think that the events are not something you can attend because of your son. They may think of you as a family vs college aged even if you are the same age. But you won't know unless you ask/talk to him.

If you hate the church or do not feel like this is an overall good fit, nothing says you have to stay there. I'd check out other churches now and then and see if one of the other local congregations has programs for your family.