I Need Some Encouragement on How to Handle My Adult Child......

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I was in a very unhealthy relationship when I was 19-21. He was abusive physically/emotionally, manipulative, untrustworthy, etc. We lived together. It was a dark time for me.

When I finally left, I asked my mom, "Why didn't you tell me to leave!!!" She said, "Would you have listened? I decided to trust that you were in it for a reason, and would learn what you had to. It was hard watching, but it wasn't in my control."

And you know, she was right.

As a result of that "failed" relationship, I was able to learn some of the most valuable lessons of my life. Ones that have made my marriage possible, ones that have made it easier for me to discern my path as a kinship care provider and parent, and ones that showed me what is in my control/out of my control, and how to take ownership of my physical/emotional/spiritual/intellectual self.

What was a "mistake", has been an invaluable wealth of self awareness and Love.

First let me say, I am so sorry about your daughters miscarriage.

I completely understand what you are saying about them getting married. You have good reason to be worried and like all mothers, you want what is best for her. You want her happy and healthy.

Here is what I learned from one friend.. She was young and we all felt she was making a HUGE mistake marrying this guy.. The more we pushed, the more she defended him.. We made calm, heartfelt comments and had long conversations. In the end we stopped and supported them.

6 months after they were married, they filed for a divorce.. No, "we told you so's", instead we were also sad and felt bad for them.

Many years later she was remarried had 3 beautiful children a wonderful life. I asked her, "What could we have said to you to make you change your mind about the first marriage?" Her answer.. "Nothing." She said she "just had to marry him". She "needed that lesson".

When my husband and I announced we were getting married ( I was 20 he was 21) to his parents, they said, "you do not have our permission". We told them, "we are not asking for your permission, we are telling you". They never let up.. They screamed, cried, gave us so many reasons why we should not get married. They dragged their feet and never got excited about the wedding. It was so hurtful to me, because my husband was so terribly hurt by the things his parents said, what they said to other people..

It did not stop even after we were married.. It has continued all of these years.. And yet when his sister was married, they were over the moon. They went overboard about how happy and thrilled they were, that is when my husband realized what we had missed out on.

My mom was always supportive. She was also honest. Early on she said she "loved both of us and wanted us to be happy, but she did have some concerns".. She told us very honestly and non judgmental about her concerns. We were able to discuss her concerns and reassure her we had heard her and would take them all into consideration.

We will celebrate or 30th anniversary in a few months, I no longer speak with his mother. I encourage my husband and our daughter to visit her, but even they really dread their visits with her.. Why? Because she still does not seem to have accepted we really do have a happy marriage. It is as though she still does not approve.

You can share your concerns, but accept their decision and not mention them again once you have shared them once. This is her life and even though we want to protect our children, we have to allow them to make their own choices, so that when they are successful they can take credit for it and when they are not successful, they can also take total responsibility for them.

I am sedning you strength.

When a parent disapproves of our mate openly, it can hurt all the relationships involved--yours with your daughter, your daughter's with her fiance, etc.

I was around your daughter's age when I moved in with my now-husband, though we didn't marry till 9 years later. My parents didn't think it was a good idea, so I didn't talk to them about it anymore. That was a loss, for them and for me. Don't turn her away with your disapproval.

I just went through something similar last year. My stepdaughter, who I've been very close to since she was 1 year old, got married. She was 25, so not quite so young, but she had only known her BF for 3 months when they got engaged, and she could never come out and say "I love him". It seemed she wanted to get married because she felt that ALL of her friends were already married and she was getting OLD. And the sight of a really big diamond seemed to be all she needed...

It was hard to be excited about dress shopping and all the other things when I had so many misgivings about their relationship. I did go shopping with her, I actually suggested the dress she ended up getting. I felt throughout the preparations that I would have chosen to be much more involved if I'd been more OK with her choice. In the end, she planned much of the event herself. I also had very little money to contribute, and her fiance's family is very well off, so that was one more dynamic.

I tried to be as honest as I could about my concerns, without judging her, and letting her know that it was in the end, her decision. For the first year of their marriage, I listened to her complaints, but I didn't let her put the blame on him. They seem to be doing better now, but I still am not fully for this marriage. I guess I don't need to be, since it's her life. Now they're "trying" for a baby (OMG!).

This experience made me think about my parents, and how they weren't really for any of their four children's marriages. My brothers were both very young (18 & 20) with pregnant teenage brides. The guy I married was divorced with two young children and we'd had a tumultuous relationship all along. My sister married a man with disabilities and no high school diploma (their's is the only marriage that has lasted - 25 years, and he's had a very sucessful career!). My mother kept her thoughts to herself, and went along with the proceedings with dignity. I guess that's what I tried to do, too.

We would love if our children learned from OUR mistakes, but alas, they need to make their own!

You cannot control them, whether you like it or not, they are adults. Let them make mistakes, and learn from them...this is what makes us stronger adults. Lend a listening ear, and try to support their decisions in life, good or bad.

I face fears like yours everyday with my two adult children.

It's going to be a learning experience and no one can tell how it's going to turn out.
It might work, or it might not - either way she'll come out as a more mature person.
If I were you, I'd try my best not to offer advice unless it was asked for.
Try to celebrate her marriage as a part of the journey (it IS a major rite of passage) and don't think about the destination - there's no predicting how any of it will turn out.
My Mom predicted AT OUR RECEPTION our marriage would not last 3 years - which really hurt my husbands feelings - we courted 9 years before we married.
We celebrate our 22nd anniversary this summer and we're very happy together.
What ever you do, avoid becoming a predictor of doom and gloom - it reflects badly on anyone who ever does this.

It sounds like you have a pretty clear-eyed understanding of your emotional position. That's good. You recognize that other responses might make your own and your daughter's experience happier or more comfortable.

Your daughter is a young adult in love, and she will probably do what she will do no matter what you feel about it. If you'd really like to work with your feelings, there's a pretty potent self-help process called The Work that you may find really helpful. Here's a link that will get you into the process, and you can watch other people doing The Work on video. My husband and I both use this process when we struggle with making peace with someone or some situation: http://www.thework.com/thework.php

Let me give you an example. You fill out the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet. You pick out one statement: "My daughter's upcoming marriage will be a terrible mistake."

You answer The Four Questions:

1. It it true? (Well, anybody can see it's true. She's too young, they're too immature, etc.)
2. Can you absolutely know that it's true? (I guess I can't know for certain. Miracles happen. People learn and grow.)
3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
(I feel terrible. Anxiety makes my stomach tense up. I feel a sad ache in my heart. I can't even talk to my daughter about her plans, …etc.)
4. Who would you be without the thought? (I would feel so light! I could be a more joyful participant. More supportive. I could listen to her better, and maybe make a few suggestions she'd find really helpful. I could see my future son-in-law more clearly, and maybe even notice some of his finer points. I could connect to the young couple better, as ilndividuals and as a couple. I might even feel some real hope for them, …etc.)

Finally, Turn Around the concept you are questioning, and be sure to find at least three genuine, specific examples of each turnaround.

You might turn the original statement around: "My daughter's upcoming marriage will be a success." Find three specific examples of how or why this might be true. (a: Their love might really be strong enough to conquer all. b: They are not me, and their relationship is not mine. They have already dealt with some real problems and come out intact. They may continue to learn and grow. c: Even if they end up divorced, it will be successful if they know themselves better and can succeed in future relationships.)

Go on to explore as many turnarounds as you can find (the website helps coach you on this), and work with them until you can see that they may be as true, or even truer, than you original thought. You will also learn to see how all those scary or anxious thoughts are projections of your own thoughts about your life and your beliefs. That doesn't make them wrong, because that's how our human brains function, for our own protection. But it doesn't make them right, and they can cause us a great deal of distress that may be simply unnecessary and unhelpful.

However the future unfolds, I wish you and your family joy and discovery.

She sounds like a great girl with possibly a great boyfriend. She IS very young, but she doesn't know that yet. Show her this post, and let her know it is hard for you. If she goes to counseling, maybe you can ask to do a session with you and her to talk through these things.

But you won't ultimately be able to make this decision, so accept that. If you push her, you could alleniate her and him, and then you won't be there if she does need you. Or she will be worried about "told you sos" and won't leave if she should.

This really is your issue. Don't make it about her. You can only counsel her.

Just because it looks like a mistake you made doesn't mean it is the same mistake. What looks like the perfect situation can still fail. What looks like a match made in hell can turn out the best. You don't know, ya know?

You need to stop letting your life's experiences color your opinion of your daughter's choices and just be happy for them.

Considering she is in school and working to support herself I don't think she is taking her decision lightly.

I put my mom and dad through this. A few times actually.

I was married and pregnant by the time I was 21.

I think it is good you asked them to seek marriage counseling before they go through with it. Many over look this as an important step.

Marrying young is not something that is new for our generation. I think that young adults feel more secure being married.

I think you need to give them a chance. I have seen more marriage working then not around me...and it is not that life is getting easier...I think couples are seeing they can go it alone, easily.

It's hard to watch her make the same mistake you made...but maybe to her this is not a mistake at all. And if it does turn out not to have been the right thing....then she knows and has learned.

Sometimes you have to watch as they fall on their face...The experience has to happen or they learn nothing. This is a big thing to maybe fall from...but you can't stop them from doing it....or you may loose her....

From a daughter that has been where yours is...just be there for her. dont tell her how badly she is maybe screwing up. Kids have to take that leap of faith....that leap of independence. You may have thought her moving in with him was that leap....that turned out..ok....(I dont know the whole story behind your daughter so this is maybe too general/ I am speaking more in terms that she is still alive and sounds to be otherwise doing ok minus the miscarriage).

Trust she knows what she is doing. If she comes to you for advice or for your thoughts...Give her your honest...but not to harsh opinion on things. Let her know your concerns. Talking to her as an adult will help her feel more confident in coming to you with things.

You sound like a very caring and concerned mama. I think she will see this and be thankful someone is looking out for her. Just be adult with her:)

Good luck, remember this is suppose to be fun:) If you need to pretend you are prom dress shopping with her again:) Denial even for a moment can be a good friend:)

My own thoughts are that if your daughter moved out and is going to school full time while working 2 jobs you need to be cheering on her stamina and her ability to stay focused on the goal. It may not be the path you would have chosen for her but it sounds like she has her goal and is working towards it. Step back and let her make her own choices. support her emotionally. It's hard but it is her life and while it is easy to stand back and say do this do that (I know cause I do it with my 29 year old daughter) it is better to let her make her own choices. otherwise it will be a continual cycle of this is your fault. good luck

I am all for up front honesty. Tell her these things.

And as far as the 'more difficult road for education'... Maybe she just didn't want to ask for a handout. It's VERY liberating to be able to say, "I did this all on my own."

Hey! Join my club! I'm in your boat, because my 22 year old son is getting married next year, and I thought it was too early, also.

But, they do have a great relationship without all the issues you describe, so I have high hopes for them. I posted a question on here when I found out they were engaged.

I spoke my mind to them both, telling them I felt they were a little young, and what my reservations were, but after that, I let it go. All I can do is state my opinion once. The main point I tried to make was to wait a few years until they have kids, because they need time for just the two of them. They said that is what they plan to do.

As far as being excited goes -- I'm not a big wedding person, so I'm not sure how excited I would be, even if they were older. What can I say, weddings just aren't my forte. But when they have a baby, now THAT's my forte, and I will make up for my lack of enthusiasm about their wedding then, with lots of enthusiasm and help with the baby.

But I will try to smile and say wonderful things on their wedding day. I mean, I'm not unhappy about it, just not "excited," like I feel I'm supposed to be. And who knows, maybe it will be even more exciting than I expect.

I'm sorry, I'm confused. You think they are mature enough to live together, but not mature enough to be married? That makes absolutely no sense to me. I would be overjoyed that they were actually doing the mature thing and getting married.

Well, at her age, she really is an adult. Especially if she supports herself financially!
So, you can't really "handle" her....she is going to do what she wants...all you can "handle" is your own reaction.
I would be supportive. Anything less and you'll push her away.

Here's what I think: I think you tell her all of your concerns & it probably would go smoother if the fiancee is there at the time. Once you've stated it, calmly & maturely, you have no other alternative than to let it go. She's grown, she's making the calls now, you said so yourself. It's the hardest thing in the world to sit back & watch your kids make mistakes, but it's part of the job description of being a mom. Also, try to keep in mind that although there very well may be a million similarities between your situation & hers, that doesn't at all mean that the end result will be the same. Everyone in my life told me to slow down & live my own life before getting married & having kids. I didn't listen. It's been a really hard road sometimes for us & right now we're going through a particularly rocky patch, but we're 34 years old with a 12 year old & a 10 year old, we've been married for almost 13 years. We've practically grown up together in a sense & not always at the same pace which has made it all the more difficult, but has made me at least all the better for it.

Well is the Fiance abusive or not???
You said there are issues/immaturity like: jealousy, inability to trust, and other things.
SO... those things, are your Daughter's issues or her Fiance's????
Things like: jealousy, immaturity and inability to trust... are BIG elements in a relationship. Because, it can make one, abusive. And if not, it causes a TON of problems, in a relationship.
If they have those problems now in their relationship, it will STILL be a problem... when they are married. But, they will be married. So, the problems, can be more complicated.

So, yah its up them. But 20 is real young.
She's responsible as you said.
Is he?
Is he getting educated too? or has a good job?
or is he a dead-beat loser guy?
You never mentioned, if he was a nice guy, or respectful, or that he is nice to your daughter and a normal well-adjusted, guy, or not.

Anyway, it is up to them.
It is their life.
BUT, if my offspring was getting abused... there is NO way, I would "allow" my daughter to get married to a monster like that.
Period.
No matter her age.

Really great advice so far. I would only add that they do not have any definitive plans! You may be panicked over nothing. You stated your concerns & it seems as though they heard them. Now step back & hope that your daughter makes the right choice for her.

As hard as it is we have to let our little birds fly away from the nest and test their own wings. If they fall, at least let them know they have a soft place to land.

With this being said, you should keep your feelings to yourself and be happy for your little girl. This is HER path and not yours. You cannot make her journey for her. I say this to you as I too am going through the same thing. My son is engaged to marry after only knowing the girl for 6 months! Granted they opted for a long engagement, I still do not feel they are a proper match. However, like I told you, it is not MY journey but HIS. So i sit by and act happy for them. At least this way if he needs a soft landing place we still have a relationship so that he can feel safe to come to us.

I haven't read the other responses so I hope I'm not repeating. Your daughter is an adult who can and should make her own decisions. Your job is to support her. You have to let everything else go or you're only going to make her angry and she will push you away.

I think all good parents feel this way on some level, whatever they may think of their kid's partner or their particular situation.....it is just too soon. Also when you are older and experienced, you see things so much more clearly than the kids do but alas, they don't appreciate your experience so they don't listen. Unfortunately, I think you are going to have to put on a smile and be excited or risk alienating your daughter. How? Follow the old salesman's advice and "fake it until you make it"! And afterward, if you see ANY opening or opportunity to ASK (not tell) her about the hardships she may face or the doubts she may have, jump on that like white on rice and ask some non-judgmental questions about how they plan to handle it. The key is to make her think about things for herself vs telling her anything. Good luck!

It seems to me that you are pouring your past and feelings of your mistakes on her. Although I'm sure many agree it is young for her it is something you have to let her do. You cannot step in the way and later regret not being there for her. I'm understanding you have said your peace and now enjoy putting things together with her. You don't want the other mom doing it for you. Don't give her a reason to push you out.