J.,
This is B. (deaffmommie). I understand your frustration, But birthday parties and gifts seem to go hand in hand.
My daughter has done "fundraiser" type parties and her friends has donated baby clothes for the Chinese orphanages and we have had a Chinese Baby Blankie Making party where the girls made knot blankets to send to Chinese orphanages.
These types of parties "give back" but My daughter was older.
Are you more upset that she was thought of and her friends wanted to give her something from them, or more upset it seems like you "lied" to her?
Even when I had to cancel a party because my daughter was acting out so badly on the party day, her friends STILL came by and gave M her gifts from them.
I let her keep them.
I see this as a two way street.
1) you can let your anger boil over and confront yor friends, and possibly loose them. or
2) write a thank you note and express your "happiness" with their thoughtfulness of helping you to celebrate your child's birthday.
3) write a thank you note and return the gifts.
I think number three would be heartbreaking for your daughter.
Since she is just turned 5 years old its a huge concept you wish to teach.
You can talk to your daughter and explain how nice the friends were in bringing her a present. And you could allow her to choose one to keep and take the rest if you truly do not want her to have any of it back to the store or donate the gifts the a charity of your choice.
Grady Burn Unit would always appreciate toys for their waiting area and for the therapy rooms.
I also think you need to step back and view things thru your friends eyes. Why would a mother want no presents for their precious darling child? Surely she kidding. She won't mind a "little something" for "Susie".
I see this as yor friends and her little friends wanting to share a small part of themselves with your daughter,
Take a deep breathe and breath it out, then sit and compose thank you notes. There is PLENTY of time to teach giving back to your children.
I hope this helps.
B.
deaffmommie