K.P.
No more visits, no discussion, no excuses or apologies. She does not get to pick-and-choose which grandchild to love. In trying to do so, she has made the choice to see neither.
I dont know how to handle my childrens grandmother at all. ever since i had my youngest son she has be so hateful towards him it hurts so much. She favorits my middle child to the extream. i left there father because of the situation when my youngest turned 2. He just turned 6. right after he was born just a couple days old my x's mom slamed her door and said cj will always be her favorite well she has kept her word on that. have broght this to her attention a lot of times and i can tell by the look in her eyes that she only has room in her heart for one child. Over the years my youngest has picked up on her behavior so he acts out and dont listen to her. She dont even give him a chance this is how bad it is when she has company that is family over they havent seen him since he was one. She dosnt include him when they go places or even to a simple trip to the market. It hurts to here your own son scream on top of his lungs saying my gramdma dont love me. I just hold him and cry with him and say i love you. My mom has 9 grand children and she treats them all the same and all the love her heart can make everyday that goes by. I am so stressed about this situation i dont know what to do but i know her reactions is making my son angry, sad ect.... When she dose decide to keep him on a weekend she complains about him she lets the middle child scratch him and not play with toys or anything. she dont even let the kids call her grandma they have to call her by her first name i dont even think she has the right to be a grandma. My x has not said a word to his mother about how she treats the kids diff. It's not a good situation at all im at the point that i dont want the boys to be apart of there lifes i dont want them to grow up not likeing each other. please help
Thanks for all responses... to answer some qustions. Me and the kids dont live with her or there father. My x had a DNA test on the kids after we split dont know why they look just like him from head to toe. There grandma was doing good with them for a while them there dad had another child a year after we split so they stop going over as much. She just has these moments where sharing her heart is to much for her. They only spend time with both of them when it is a holiday or a birthday. no more than that. I dont depend on her or my x or anybody on there dad's side of the family to be there for them they only want them when they have time for them. I was raised with love form my mom, dad, gram everybody in my family we was all together and made sure we was all taking care of. I have been passing the same love down to my children since the day they was born i know i cant protect them from everything but i tryed to give her chances to see that her grandchild is as special as his brother but my son dosent need the rejection in his life. I have remarried since then and the kids love him he takes really good care of us, he is in the army and the kids really look up to him and i thank god for all the good he brought into are lives. He treats the kids like there his everyday i thank god that. thanks for the support
No more visits, no discussion, no excuses or apologies. She does not get to pick-and-choose which grandchild to love. In trying to do so, she has made the choice to see neither.
If this were happening to one of my children, grandma visits/contact would be completely cut. You know what you need to do, A.. Good luck.
I get the feeling that there's a lot more to this situation than you're saying and that it all surrounds the circumstances of your separation/divorce and whatever your former husband has said to his mother. The biggest red flag there is that he doesn't correct his mother on her terrible treatment of the children. I'm curious about HIS treatment of the children.
Back story is everything. It's not an excuse, but an explanation might make responses easier.
For instance, if your former husband and his mother believe that only your middle child is his biological child then that explains their attitudes and behaviors. There would also be an easy way to end that nastiness... force the issue with a paternity test. If it happens to be true, then the children that aren't his shouldn't be exposed to that poison.
If that's not the problem, and they're doing this for some other reason, then address it in court. Document document document and request that the children are not allowed near the grandmother. She doesn't have rights to the children.
EDIT: After your SWH: I knew it. I mean, their entire attitude screams that they believe the children don't belong to your husband. What I don't understand is if you had the DNA tests proving paternity, why they're still behaving like jackholes. I'm sorry. I say the children shouldn't be around the grandmother and if you have to make a request from the court, do so.
Do you live with her? If you don't, then stop going over there.
You aren't going to change her, A.. Her mind is made up. She appears to run roughshod over you, and you just take it.
Time to stop being treated like a doormat.
Stop allowing her access to any of you. Your children are more important than her right to see them. I'm sorry that's blunt, but it's true. You need to grow a backbone, dear. I don't know how old you are, but it's time to act older than your years now, for your children's sake.
Dawn
Protect your children from her behavior by not allowing visits.
Sometimes people are just too toxic to keep in your life, family or not. sounds like it is time for grandma to get cut out of all your lives.
I am a grandmother so I don't say this lightly. If she is hurting your youngest son, she doesn't have a right to be called "grandma" so it's just as well that they don't call her that. Just like anyone can be a father, but it takes a real man to be a dad; well, anyone can be a grandmother, but it takes a special woman to be grandma!
Anyway, what I don't say lightly is that I wouldn't allow my children over there at all anymore. My mom is the same way with my daughter's youngest son. She does not acknowledge him at all because she doesn't think my daughter should have had him. I agree that what she did not need was another child, but he's here. He can't be ignored, unloved, not included, etc.
This has got to be effecting your son's self-esteem, self-confidence, etc. Don't make him go through it.
She sounds toxic. Protect your children from her. She is not a person that should be around any children.
.
I would just stop going over there unless it is a birthday or holiday and stop relying on her for things if it is causing you and your son that much stress.
My lord, this woman would be OUT of my children's lives. Why are you allowing this to continue? Cut the hateful, miserable excuse of a grandmother off. For ALL your children.
Why do you see her at all? I would just forbid her to be in the presence of either of your children. If she can't grandparent appropriately then she doesn't get to grandparent at all.
I wouldn't let my children be around this woman! She doesn't deserve to be around your precious kids if she's not going to treat them the same and love them the same. And I would tell her right to her face...until you can treat my kids equally and loving, you are out of their lives.
I know that's hard, but you need to do what's right for your kids and get that toxic woman out of their lives!
A.:
Welcome to mamapedia!!
I'm sorry your post is hard to follow.
So is this YOUR mother or husband's mother? Either way? I would not allow any visits, calls, or ANY type of communication until she can change her tune...IF she asks tell her "it's not a good environment to put my children in...it is obvious to him and to everyone else you don't care about him. I will not allow ANY of my children to be short-changed."
There should be NO apology from you whatsoever. This W. needs to set a better example for her grandchildren.
Are you married or divorced? your post doesn't make that clear.
My SIL was dealing with this. She has five kids, and her inlaws were favoring her oldest and her fourth (weird, right?) so much, that her husband finally said they were done. He won't let any of the kids go over there anymore. It sucks, but it wasn't fair to any of the kids.
I have to say this loud and clear, leave this woman and never see her again! Your children DO NOT need to be around a woman like this. It is destroying your son's selfworth and the other child is getting spoiled and playing it off your youngest. It's not good for any of your kids, nor you! DO NOT see this woman again! DO NOT allow any of your children to see this woman again! She is toxic and ruining your children. I cannot make this any plainer. Just because she is the kids grandmother does not make it mandatory for them to see them. Tell her the facts, tell her bye-bye, and move on! Fight for your children's spirit and emotional survival. This is a ridiculous situation that needs to be stopped immediately. There's obviously no changing her so move on for your kids' sake!
K. B
mom to 5 including triplets
I'm assuming from your post that this is your EX MIL and she sees/has the kids when your ex has visitation or custody?
And that makes it harder to "tell" her anything or lay down the law.
How sad that his father won't protect him.
I'm sorry, just make sure that little guy is loved and secure at home.
Very simply put...follow my rule: If you can not treat my children equally then you will not treat them at all..period. She should no longer have access to any of your children period. She sounds like quite a hateful person to begin with so why allow her to damage your children with such hate. It is well past time you put your foot down and just exclude HER from your family entirely. If she inquires to why you haven't sent the kids over for a visit tell her plain and simple "You clearly stated that you have no room in your heart for ALL of my children so you will see NONE of them...Good Day and Bye Bye!"
Peace and Blessings,
T. B