I Need Help with My Teen Aged Daughter!!

If you've taken away everything you can, maybe it's time to work from the opposite direction... good ol' bribery. That's assuming she's had an educational evaluation and doesn't have an underlying learning disability or other reason she's having trouble succeeding academically. Has she been to the school's Student Assistance Team? No child wants to fail, even though they act like it sometimes. Some consistent counseling, in school or in the community may be helpful.

Sounds like you are doing a lot right. It may not seem like it now, but, eventually, she will thank you for being so involved and "nosy".
It is possible that she is still being bullied. I was bullied quite a bit, and they go out of their way to make others' lives miserable, no matter how old or what class they are in.
I agree with the ladies that yelling, while relieving you temporarily (and me), does little in the long run to make her understand and listen. Finding time to sit with her and calmly explaining things to her, as well as getting her feedback, may do wonders. (If you haven't already done that ad nauseum).
I also like the other ladies suggesting private or alternative schools. It is difficult for many children to sit for a long time and study. It is actually very natural for kids to want to learn by being active and interacting with one another.
It might also do some good to get her involved with some after school activities, starting with martial arts. That would make her feel more confident in general, and more able to protect herself, if need be.
I am a single mother, too. I understand that there should be three of you to do everything that needs to be done. Just do the best that you can, and it'll come back to you.
God speed.

If you go to the love and logic website, they have a radio show you can listen to for free. www.loveandlogic.com.
There is an episode that sounds just like your story. I highly suggest listening to it.
Good luck.

You sound like a GREAT mom, very involved in her schooling. That is AWSOME!!!

Let me tell you a bit about me in high school. First off I did not have involved parents... I was a teen who HATED school!! I did not like sitting for 6 to 7 hours. I had a hard time focusing with so many people around me... I got distracted easily. I did not fit in well with my peers. I was rebelious... I didnt want to have a strict time limit on when to have my work done. Work given today needs to be in tomorrow type thing. I was great at the reading and writing stuff, I loved history... but I really lacked in science and math. My 8th grade year was a HUGE struggle!! I absolutly hated it!! Hormones kick in at that age... boys turn into a priority... by this point I was like most teenage girls who know it all and mom is the dumbest person on earth... By 9th grade I just stopped going to school altogeather... ditching all by 8 days my 9th grade year. Any way to the point of my story... I ended up going to a school that I got to work at my own pace. I went in to the school 2 or 3 days a week for 2 to 3 hours to take tests and turn in work and get help with any thing I didnt understand. I ended up graduating with a 4.0 and finished all 4 years in a little under a year and a half and I got the traditional diploma. She sounds like she may do well in an alternative school or maby even a home school setting. Good Luck with her!! T.

It really sounds to me like this is how your daughter has chosen to "stick it to you". I mean you work full-time and you are the only parent in the home. She is obviously doing this on purpose. However, as we all see she is only punishing herself in the long run.

It is obviously time for professional intervention, when making her life miserable by taking away all the usual teenage lifelines (phone, computer, social events) has not yeilded the desired result.

I say that she is "sticking it to you" because you are the one upset about her academic progress, not her. She is obviously retaliating against the chaos in her life. A good therapist will help her get to the bottom of why she feels like the best avenue to "stick it to mom" is to sacrafice her own future. She sounds like a very depressed young lady.

If her dad is still in the picture I suggest the two of you sit down with her and present a united front. Admit that you screwed up by not keeping her family together (or even creating one if you never married) but that being apathetic about her future and success is not going to change what you two did wrong. She owes it to herself to rise above your mistakes.

Get her to a counselor, one who won't buy the bull she dishes out, one that WON'T coddle you either...you both need to face the tough truth about what is really going on under the surface.

It never ceases to amaze me when we create such turmoil and virtual abandonment in children's lives and then wonder why they retaliate in self-destructing ways. This is more than needing tutors or being a social butterfly...when a child disconnects from their future success, doesn't care about what she misses in the present (social events, phone time with friends)as a punishment for that disconnect, she is headed on a downward spiral.

It is just my opinion and I know it will generate some "hate mail" but I felt it needed to be said.

I really do wish you luck and I know this can't be easy to face.

Get the book "love and logic for Teen years" Its amazing!! Unfortunately you cannot control her grades. That is a choice she will have to make on her own. When she fails again and all of her friends go off to high school with out her, she'll figure it out. Don't stress yourself out over a battle you cannot possibly win.

It sounds like you have found at least one of her true fears - and that is that she will be beat up in high school. So, for her, there is no reason to go there. It is probably even hard for her to fail, but she is determined because of her fear of the others. I suggest that you work on that fear and tell her how you and others (teachers) can help her so that she will not be beat up in high school. Then ask if she wants to be with the friends she likes in school this year again next year. If the answer is yes, then she needs to get to work to move up in her grade with them. I believe that she has made a conscious decision to do this and she can make a conscious decision to change it once her fears are taken care of. And, by the way, I had a very smart son who was suddenly getting poor grades and found out that he thought girls would like him better if he was dumb! After we dispelled that idea, he went right back to good grades. Listen to her fears - they may be real!

Hi A.,
Also, consider picking up a copy of, "Have a New Kid by Friday."

I'd summarize the book for you, but there's just too much information he goes over. In short, I agree with the other Moms who feel this is attached to major behavior issues that are spiraling.

Hang in there, Mama, for your girl!

Added 24 hrs later: I disagree that this book is only for aggressive kids. This is not accurate. This author is not connected with the ads I've heard on the radio, either.
Also, as a side comment to what someone else wrote: ADHD does not suddenly appear in the 8th grade: it is being waaaay over-diagnosed nowadays.
T

A., stay strong! It will be ok. I'm a full time working mom as well...I have a Junior and a 6th grader...This age is not an easy age, it's often difficult to understand what they are going thru. Take some time for just you and her and not talk about school. Just reconnect with her. If she brings it up, there's your chance. I had to take the time to just visit with my daughter and not bring up the "icky" stuff as she called it, and tried to be supportive. The more you yell, the more she will ignore you. She might be missing that little something and she gets frustrated and doesn't understand the work. We looked into getting a tutor for our daughter and talked to ClubZ Tutoring...they seem to be pretty good. They focus on the child, the issue, and not try and suck you into the well...we need to get back to basics stuff...I really liked them....give it a try...be patient...good luck!!!

Have you tried to reason with her? Show her the importance of an education. Show her the consequences of not graduating. Those consequences are much greater than a lost cell phone, or computer.

Sometimes it helps to get friends involved to help her with her homework. I had several friends that were struggling with math, and I would help them, not a tutor or a teacher, and it seemed like they saw I could do it. I could also talk to them in a way to make them see how it worked. I also had friends that would get together for social studies (history) study groups. You can use peer pressure to your advantage!

Have you had her diagnosed to see if she has ADHD? It often presents as anxiety in girls and teachers often do not recognize it. It may be the reason she is having difficulty in school. My son was not diagnosed until he was in high school. When I asked his teachers about it they kept saying "No- he is just lazy". That was not the case at all and responded very well to medication. Please look into this if you think it is a possiblity.

Look into Outward Bound. Some of the courses are for troubled kids. I went on a 10 day trip and when I came back I felt like I could conquer the world. Maybe she needs to see for herself what she can accomplish. Self confidence is so important.

has she been tested for a learning disability? what about an emotional issue? does the school ahve any resources? is she aware that she wont pass? have you considered home schooling or a charter school? what about drug use? iknow that is a bit drastic but it happens. what about counseling? what about changing schools? is she involved in any extra curricular activites that would need for her to be grade point elegible? you also might want to read this book, it helped me a lot with my adopted sons. Love and Logic by Jim and Charles Fay PHD. it basically puts the responsiblity back on them. if they make choices they have tolive with them. no amount of ressure form you is going to make them do what you want or what is good for them. they have to face consequences to learn to live a better life. it was really hard for me not be a helicopter mom. to try and protect my boys. but in the end i accomplished it and the boys started seeing that mom wasnt always going to fix it. if they didnt dotheir homework, they didnt get credit they didnt get credit they flunk, they flunk, it takes longer to get out of school, your firends go on you stay with the younger kids they are embarrassed. at least check it out form the library if you dont want ot buy it. cant hurt to read it and try to apply some of the suggestions . it may work

Have you talked with her about the possibility of learning disabilities? I have several small ones that can make it difficult to learn but are not easily identified. and thats what I did. I gave up because then my bad grades were because I wasn't trying, not because I was stupid. Which is how I felt. I even did well most of the time but there were certain points when it felt as if I had hit a brick wall and all of the sudden I couldn't understand things anymore. Once I was diagnosed(even though I didn't qualify for help in school) I was better able to work around it because I figured out which ways I learned best and I wasn't afraid to ask for the help I needed. It was still hard, but I didn't give up so easily, because I finally understood that I wasn't stupid I just learned things differently than most people.