I Need Help! What Do I Do When My Fiance Started Back to Oil Rig????

You cant, cant, cant change a man. You need to decide if you would rather stay with him, knowing his work schedule, or leave him.

My grandfather was a Chief in the Navy. In the time my father was growing up, my grandfather was home for 2 or 3 Christmas holidays. They moved frequently, sometimes moving in one place for only 3 months when receiving new orders to relocate again. But my grandparents were married for more than 40 years. Personally, I think you need to decide if you want to accept a life with him, as he is now. If you can't accept him now, then perhaps you should rethink marrying him and find someone with a 9 to 5 job.

My husband and I met in the military so we've dealt with a lot of separation. My advice is understandably slanted. Fair warning.

I think you're being unreasonable. Men are conditioned to provide for their families the best they can and it sounds like he's doing that. He's telling you the truth that he doesn't like the separations any more than you do. However, you knew this was his line of work when you agreed to marry him. Why are you now expecting him to change? He probably feels like you're changing the rules after he already made the commitment and I'm sure that's frustrating for him.

Yes, you're going to end up with the lion's share of the kid work, but he's going to end up with the lion's share of the loneliness. He obviously loves you and is relieved that he has found a comptent partner that he can trust to hold down the fort while he is away earning a paycheck to support the family. You need to be that strong partner for him. Men really appreciate that. Believe me.

I think you're being too hard on him. One of the primary pleasures men can have in this life is a feeling of usefulness and competence at their work and appreciation from their loving woman for the hard work they do for her and their children. They can't experience pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding etc... Their major contribution to their children (other than good parenting when they CAN be there) is supporting them and making sure they can have the things that children need.

If you press and harp about it, he might change jobs, but do you want to do that to him? He loves his job now... you don't want him to end up like one of those sad, middle-management (think Joe V. the Volcano) types that hate their jobs and whose discontent spreads to every other area of their lives.

Every time you get upset with these week to two-week absences, you can think about all of the military wives that deal with 6-9 MONTH deployments. When my husband and I were engaged, he spent 6 months in the Middle East and when he was on the USS Gettysburg he was ALWAYS underway and I was pregnant, on bed-rest with a five year old at the time, not to mention all the way across the country from my family and friends. If I could handle that, you can handle this. And it will get easier with time. Right now you are in an intense and passionate stage of your relationship. I'm not saying that passion has to go away, but once you're married and settled there will be less doubt and more true, deep feeling to sustain you.

In conclusion, quit nagging him and be grateful that he has a good job that he loves and that he loves you. Be the partner that he needs you to be.

Best of luck!

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Edit: I read your "So what happened" post and I just wanted to say that you are allowed to have your feelings of course. However, acting on them is something totally different. The fact is that we can only live our lives based on what IS, not on what we WISH. Reality is reality. The hard truth is that you knew what his job was. You now know that his kids are coming to live with you. You know that he's unwilling to quit his job (not really that unreasonable since, as another mama said, I can't imagine that it would translate well to anything else, it's a very specific skill set I bet). You have all of the information, so what you have to do it to take a step back and ask yourself if you can live with the situation? Is having him worth all of the extra work and worth all of the times he'll be gone? If it's not, then you should think about leaving. You can't ask him to change. That's a fact. Did he ask you to change? Did he demand that you sacrifice, or did you offer willingly to do so? Can you admit that this is a VERY difficult market to find a job in, even if you have the proper skills and about impossible if you only have a certain specific skill set that's not suitable to a land-based occupation? If you can admit that, then can you live with the fact that he probably won't be able to find anything else? If you can live with that, then why can't you just save your relationship the trouble and strain and NOT ask him in the first place?

I must say that I object to the phrases "He gets to..." do this and that. You're turning it into a competition between the two of you i.e. which of you gets more of the things they need/want. After all, maybe he feels like you "get to.." be home with the kids every evening and you "get to.." sleep in your own bed every night etc.. Really you both need to be comfortable with your positions in the family and with shouldering whatever burdens your situation may place in your path if you're going to make this relationship work. You can't turn it into a competition. Believe me, that's one competition you don't want to win. If you can't be okay with it, it's never going to be okay. Just food for thought.

You see your future with this man pretty clearly. You have a very big decision to make.

I agree with the previous posts – if you can envision having a great time with your half-dozen kids and dad showing up occasionally, then you may have happiness in your future. If you move ahead with this marriage based on the hope that you'll get him to stop doing work he loves and makes great money doing, you will be hugely disappointed. Even if you do convince him to get other work, he may forever believe he gave up his own happiness to please you. That isn't a sound basis for any marriage.

I hope that whether you choose to marry your fiance or not, you will be clear-eyed about what you can be happy with. My best to you.

I completely understand what you're talking about. While I grew up in and around the oilfield families, and know how it works and learned to accept it for what it was. Yes, it does seem like they are "getting away from it all" when they go to work. And in fact they are. But the flip side is they miss all the family time that you get to take part in. All the firsts - steps, words, discoveries... It takes a very independent woman to accept and love an oilfield worker. Me? I loved the breaks and then the reunions that followed. But, if you are feeling abandoned now - my suggestion is not to go any further. It will only end very badly. Especially for all the kids that are involved. You want an 8 to 5 kind of husband and your fiancee isn't that kind. Follow your heart - it will tell you what you can live with and what you can't... God bless! It's a difficult decision.

I wish my husband made a lot of money and was gone for a few weeks at a time! Lol ;)

it's true you knew about the job before. And probably the possibility of getting custody of his other children. It may be scary but you are NOT doing it alone. Do you have family help or friends to carpool/meal share/playdate with? Money will be even more important with six kids in the house. Maybe the difference between what he might make at another job and the one he has is enough to hire a housekeeper once a week? Or a part time nanny? Or does it make more sense for you to quit your job or work part time during school or from home?

Nothing will make it easy, but realizing and accepting what you DO have will make it easier. My husband has no job right now and it's hard but we're just making it work as best we can. Your fiancé truly may not be able to find another good paying job right now, be thankful he has one that he loves and makes good money at!

Edit: yes he gets to be away from the home stresses, but I'm sure he has plenty of other stress at work, and the stress of providing for his family, which he will have to do even more when you get the other kids too. If you want to complain, yes be prepared for him to hate his new job, have no job, or to leave him and then you'll have to work even harder to do it alone! Count your blessings. I hate that my life isn't the way I want it but it is what I need to do in this economy for my family. Do you think he likes being away from you and the kids? Probably not. You are entitled to feel the way you do, but I encourage you to look at the bigger picture.

You say he takes off for work and doesn't have the stress you have etc. WRONG! Do you realize that his job is one of the most dangerous jobs there are and there is plenty of stress for him. It may not be the same stress as yours but it is stress all the same. You should be proud of your husband that he has this job and is able to care for you and 6 children. So he is gone for a week or 2 at a time. Make the time he is there good times. You need to figure out a way to make your life better for you while he is gone. You didn't mention the ages of the children but they are in school during the school year and if not consider mother's day out a day a week or so, so you can have some time to yourself. You should feel great that you have a man in your life who is willing to work, takes care of his family and give you a pretty good lifestyle. Your job is tough but his is tough as well. You will need to make it work for you both or you will lose him. He is doing what he loves to do and is good at. Why would you force or want to force someone to give that up other than you are by yourself with the kids for a while. Sorry, no sympathy from me on this one. You need to schedule your day and stick to it. Get your kids involved in chores around the house as well. Don't sit around and feel sorry for yourself because he has a hard job that takes him away for a while. What if he was in the military? What would you do? If you love him, you will love what he does for you and your family and if you can't live that way then you need to move on. Never force anyone to quit a job or change or you are going to fail. You can not change anyone and if you feel you do then they aren't for you. If you love him, you accept him for who he is and what he does. Good Luck to you.

Sara B is soooo right!
You cannot (and should not) try/want to change a man!
Make any and all decisions based on the "what IS" not "what might be...someday....maybe"

Would you be happy with half the money and twice the kids if her were home more?

ADDED After reading your SWH, I can't help but pick up on a bit of anxiety over being responsible for "his" 3 kids. Would you feel the same if it were going to still be just your 3 kids? Maybe there is something going on. If you cannot commit to caring for his additional kids, I really think you need to re-evaluate and possibly take your 3 kids and move on. Those 3 "new" kids NEED someone on board that they can count on like a rock while their dad is away during the week. Good luck!

No...you're not wrong about your feelings...if you're frustrated you're frustrated. Trust me I can completely sympathize w/ you. My husband over the years has been an offshore diver (when we were engaged...no children but like an oil rig worker gone for weeks at a time...and I had to relocate to New orleans for his job...all alone, no friends or family), and lately in the last 5 years been a contract worker over in Iraq and now Afghanistan. He comes home every 3 1/2 to 4 months for a week and a half to 2 weeks at a time. Last summer we moved from the west coast to the mid-west...for his work (the HQ is here) far away from any of my friends and family...any support whatsoever. We have an 8 year old son and I'm currently 33 weeks pregnant. In April my husband went back over to Afghanistan after being home for 8 months, long enough to move us cross-country and buy a house. I knew he'd have to go back overseas after we'd settled here but getting pregnant sort of changed my perspective towards things. I have no one here...no one. Sometimes its soul-crushingly lonely. My mother in law is coming up to help towards the end of June then going back home at the end of July, and my husband is coming home for the birth of the baby(mid-July), then two weeks later going back to Afghanistan until November. My family will come sporadically in August. So before late June, no one...after August, no one. So everything...w/ the exception of actually making the money comes down to me. Taking care of our son and his soon to be baby brother, paying bills, upkeep of house, help w/ homework (thank god it's summer), grocery shopping, dr appts, taxes...EVERYTHING!! I used to get down about it...really down (as in crying in the shower not knowing how I could deal with all this) but then I came to the conclusion that this is what he does for a living, and I just have to deal w/ it, don't have to like it, just deal...and in this economy he's damn lucky to have a good job...granted it's in a war-zone but I'm used to that now (he's fairly safe where he's at) beggars cant' be choosers I guess. This isn't really the time to ask your husband to get a new job. You seriously don't want him out of work in this day and age. I know it's frustrating. But sometimes we holders-down-of-the-forts need to be pragmatic about things. Trust me when I tell you I understand the whole 'what about me' lament...I know what it's like to think you always come last. And sometimes I guess, that's true. But unfortunately that's the way things are sometimes for moms. But believe me when I tell you that, though it may not feel that way ,you are appreciated...by your kids and your husband.

How old are the children...do the older ones do chores? If not perhaps giving them chores to do can take just a bit of the work-load off your hands. Teach them how to do laundry or vacuum. Older ones can even prepare simple dinners or at least prep work so that when you come home there's not as much to do. And even the little ones (babies excepted) can help w/ cleaning (picking up, dusting, straightening their rooms, putting dirty laundry in the hamper). I'm not saying turn it into a child-labor camp, but children are capable of helping out quite a bit.
Is it possible for you to work outside the home less...part-time maybe?

And you're not really alone if he comes home every one to a couple of weeks for a week or so. I know it feels that way but you're not. That time goes like a flash unless you're dwelling on it. So don't dwell. ;)

Well...the only problem is that that is the same line of work he had when you met him. If it bothers you then maybe he's not the right one for you. Or, if he's definitely the right one then enjoy your time without him. It's hard at first. During school I see my husband after 10 pm (if I wait up that long and an hour or two on the weekends. At first it was really hard and I was really lonely. Now I enjoy it. My kids and I have our own fun and we just know that the hours my husband goes to work and class is how it has to be.

Oil is in their blood. My dad is a petroleum engineer and I know he lives and breathes oil. They truly truly love it and the rest of us with non hybrid cars depend on them.

Good luck with your decision!

I understand you feel lonely and you have the right to feel that way, but you your only thinking about you right now. Did I get that right, 3 kids are his and the other three aren't yours together....their yours from a previous relationship. How can you be mad at him and call him selfish for wanting his kids when you have yours? I am assuming you knew he was trying to get his kids too and you stayed and went along with it. The list of things you have to do is the same list all of us mothers have to do. with three kids already you should be used to doing a lot of that stuff already. Some women have to do it alone like you but not because their husband is off working his butt off trying to support his family, but because their husband doesnt want to do it. Some women have to deal with being alone and holding down the house for much longer without any contact from their husband for months. i know for you this situation is hard cause you have never experienced how bad it can actually be, but you have to think about the fact that your fiance is trying to support you guys and make sure there is enough to go around. my husband was gone for 11 months. He wasnt there while i was pregnant with our third and last child and didn't get to come home til after the baby was almost 3 months. I felt lonely and miserable too but then I realized so was he. I like you kept thinking about me being all alone handling the house and the kids and my pregnancy all by myself. I felt angry and hurt because everything was on me and he didnt have to do anything but work. Then I realized he was going through his own problems....he missed us, never got to sleep in his own bed, eat home cooked meals, while I was stressed about dealing with the kids and their issues he was missing them and wishing he could be there for just one. His job is what keeps us going. yeah I make money too, but he is the bread winner so to speak. my husband too has a job that if he left it for something more convenient for me and my needs would never make as much money. then we would have a new problem...how to feed our kids. He loves what he does but he does it for us. Do you think if your fiance could afford to stay home with you and all the kids he wouldnt do it. Cause I bet you he would rather get to be with all of you, why else would he want his kids to live with you guys. But someone has to pay for all of you to live. Hes just lucky that at least the thing that takes him away from his family is something he loves to do so it makes it less crappy to be away from you guys all of the time. Trust me my husband is out of work right now and things arent going very well for us...now is not a good time at all for anyone to let go of a good paying job. You want to be able to afford your growing family. If being a mother of 6 is not something you wanted to do you should have told him that before not just told him to quite his job. If he didnt hear you or care then knowing what he wanted and was going to do you should have left. This is the life he has and he wants it with you, but if this is not the life you want then you need to move on. alot of us deal with thing in our lives that we dont like but sometimes they are things that just can't realistically be changed for lots of reason. we as people just have to figure out how to deal with them. Do you take the challenge head on because the people it involves are worth it and make the most of it or do you run for the hills. I dont know what the answer is for you, but i hope you find it and make the most of any situation you end up with. Please know that I didn't say any of this to upset you or come off like I think its all about him and your wrong. It's just I've been you and i know how you feel. It took me a long time to realize that being with him even if it wasn't the fairytale I wanted it to be was a whole lot better than being without him...i learned to addapt. its not always gonna be perfect, but for me he's as close as they come and worth every minute I have to be alone so he can take care of us. i hope you find the answer that helps you get through this..... whatever you decide. If you stick it out just know your stronger than you think you are. You can get through it. Good luck

This is the same line of work my husband is in. He is gone for weeks at a time on location, then drives home the 9 hours it takes to get here. The last job he just finished was 75 days. And it is hard, I know. I have also been a military wife with husband gone 6 mos at a time, and with workups he was gone more than he was home some years. So I totally know where you are coming from. I only have one kid and I cannot imagine 6!

However, you cannot force him to leave this job that he loves. AND, he is correct, there is not much work out there right now and drilling doesn't exactly translate into an office job. I seriously doubt my husband could find a different job right now that would support us. My husband was laid off for 6 mos last year during the industry downturn, and there was nothing else. We were thrilled when he got hired back on. But more than that- a man needs to feel like he is good at his job. (we all do). Asking him to give up something that he is talented at is not fair. He does not want to look for a new job. He would not be happy doing some random job that just pays the bills.

One thing that helped us is looking at it like this: he is home about the same as an office-job dad. When you think about the hours spent interacting with your family, an office dad is usually home for a couple of hours before bedtime and usually on weekends. My husband is usually home for about 4-5 days at a time, and he isn't working. He is doing stuff around the house, we are going to the zoo and dinner out, he is playing with our son and being home constantly. Over the course of a month or so, it is a balance. He just isn't home for bathtime every night. But when he is home, he takes on the majority of the parenting for me.

You are right, you are leading two lives. You have to figure out a way to incorporate the two of them when he is home. Everyone makes this work in a different way, even families that have both mom and dad home every night. For us, it is making family time a priority when he gets home. It is including him in decisions that he can have input and control over, even just over the phone. It is making time for phone calls every day. It is NOT calling and complaining about every little annoyance like leaky toilets when he is gone. He can't do anything about that and it makes him feel helpless. But I can call and ask for his knowledge and advice.

One thing I learned during his military time is not to think of it like a choice. He is NOT choosing his job over your family. He is choosing to take care of your family the only way he knows how. He does not want to be told he is letting you guys down, because he is looking at the alternative as letting you down too. He is lonely and hates leaving. He is making a huge sacrifice too. People always say marriage is about compromise, but family is about sacrifice. It would be nice if we were all independantly wealthy and could do nothing but play all day, but that is not realistic. Not to downplay your sacrifice, but just remember that you aren't the only one.

Also keep in mind that if something happens, he can come home. This job is very much like a military job. The differences are both better and worse. Better is the fact that if you get in an accident, he is not stuck in Afghanistan and unable to come help you. But worse is that there is no support system for rig wives like there is for military wives. At least you live in Texas, where this is not a totally foreign way of life. In Tennessee, no one does this job. None of the other moms I know have a clue what this is like. Is there anyone in your area you can reach out to and have a support system? I would be completely lost without my mom close by and the moms group I joined for some time out. You need a support system, however you can find it, so that you aren't without some friends at least.

Do you have to work? I choose not to, and that makes it easier to include my husband in our life when he is home. Maybe that would be an option for you. Maybe that would make it easier on you with all the kids too.

It is within your rights to give him an ultimatum if you really don't think you can be married to a man who is gone all the time. But be prepared to deal with the fallout. If he doesn't agree to change jobs, you have to be prepared to lose this person you want to have a life with. If he does agree, be prepared for a lifetime of resentment. Ideally, he would want to change jobs and have great career prospects, but that isn't the case usually. It does stink that the majority of the parenting is going to fall to you. But that is what you are signing on for and you have to decide if you can live with it. But I seriously doubt that insisting he quit will go well for your relationship.

Good luck, I know it is tough. Sending you hugs and strength!

Added after reading other responses*

Everyone is right that this is not what you signed on for, because you haven't signed on for anything yet. But if you stay with him and marry him, you will be signing on for it and agreeing to live this life, kids and all. You have to decide if you can do that. You are the only one who can change your situation, you cannot hope for him to change your situation for you by changing jobs. And I would be cautious about hoping that he will realize in a few years that he wants to be home, or holding out hope for a promotion (like Debbie said- not always better). Too many women enter into a marriage thinking that things will surely change when... And then they are disappointed and angry when they don't. You have to be ready to accept this one as it is right now. There is always the chance things will change later, but not always for the better. Part of marriage is committing to rolling with the punches. But assuming he will want to be home more often in a couple years is not a good idea. You have every right to feel the way you feel, you just have to decide if you are going to move past it, or not. Resenting him isn't going to change anything except your happiness.

You have to change your attitude. What's 3 more kids when you've already got 3? Since you didn't mention their ages, it's a bit tougher, but truly - you've known what his job is and how much he loves it. If YOU make him change it, he's only going to resent YOU!! Being apart is tough, but it makes the time together that much more wonderful - stop complaining and start rejoicing!! Do you have a church family or a babysitting co-op(if needed)? They'll both help. My husband was gone from Monday thru Friday every week. We had our first baby (C-section) on a Frdiay and he left on Monday morning. Men think taking care of us means they bring home the "bacon" so he's doing what he knows is his job and he's doing something he loves - most folks go to jobs they hate and become bitter because of it. Yes, you'll have a full plate, but the kids are only young a short time - enjoy!!!!

I think there are several things to consider here.

1. Since he's been doing this for years, I assume this was his job when you met. Did he ever tell you that he would quit?

2. This will not be the last time the two of you disagree over something major (especially if you're going to have six kids), so if you can't work this out together I don't know that it bodes well for your future life together.

3. I truly believe that some women are cut out to be military/oilfield/traveling salesmen's wives, and some are not. I am in the "not" category. If you're in the "not" category, as well, and he's not willing to pursue another career, then I think you'll both be miserable. Even if he quits, he may be miserable. So, you need to both consider whether this is a deal breaker.

I'm sorry that no one seems to have a more pat, simple, all you need to tell him is "abc" answer, but it's not that kind of question.

If you do decide to stay with him, I would recommend living near family and developing a support network to help you when he's gone. You'll also need to work out how you'll handle the time when he is home. If he's gone for a week or two, but then home for two or three weeks, it may average out to be okay in the long run. But if he comes home and still doesn't want to be at home, well...

When I was growing up my Mom had a friend whose husband worked on rigs in the Gulf. He was gone for about a month at a time. And she was raising two children with Down's Syndrome. She was a very happy person, and they had adjusted quite well to his odd work schedule. But she was on board with the plan. I think couples can work through anything as long as both are on board. When both aren't on board, that's another story altogether.

Wish you luck and wisdom.

I'm going to chime in right along with the other posts. This is the job he has always had, he had when you met him, and it's what he loves to do. If you were ever able to convince him to find a new line of work, he would be a defeated, miserable man. Having 3 more kids "piled" into the pictures is probably just exagerating the problem for you. But you should see it as a blessing that his kids are going to be with you and with him, when he's there. And what a blessing to have a man who works hard, loves his job, and supports his family. But if he always comes home to a critical, nagging wife, who dissaproves of his career and holds a grudge against him and his kids (which could happen in time) because of it, then all of your lives will suffer for it. Everyone has things in their lives that could cause us to grumble and complain. If we let it, it can steal our joy and ruin our families. Just try to find the joy in the family the way it is. When he is away, spend that time awaiting his return with eagerness. Love your kids, love his kids, enjoy the time you do have together when he is home, and love him as he is. Anything else will make you all miserable. Right now, you are the the only thing making you miserable. You just have to change your outlook on the wonderful life you have. I know it sounds easier said than done. If you are a praying gal, I recommend you pray, pray, pray for God's joy, and for patience with your husband and children. He will help you through anything!!!

cc

My husband used to work in the field also and at first I hated it, but I did get used to it. Like you, I hated that he missed out on family things because he had to work, but there are many people outside of the oil field that miss things because of work. My husband was also very good at his job as a mud engineer. So good that they moved him into the office to oversee all the others and I was thrilled that he would now be working Monday through Friday. The thrill did not last as I soon discovered that even when he was home he was still working and continually on the phone. At least when he was working at a rig he was truly home on his days off and had much more time to spend with his family. As it is now, we had more time with him when we didn't see him for a week or two. He also now hates his job which puts him in a bad mood all the time.

I know that your situation is different due to the number of kids that you have together and the fact that it is still a relatively new relationship, so make sure of what you can live with before you commit fully to this relationship. So many of my husband's friends are divorced because the wife could not handle being alone, most of which cheated on their husbands while they were away.

Because your fiancé is so good at his job he probably feels defined by it and it would be hard for him to change. Even if he does, he will not be happy about it which will then open up different issues that will need to be worked out. I know that it will be hard during the times that you are running the house all by yourself, but when he is home you can take some well deserved time to yourself. You'll probably get more of it that way anyway. I, personally, would love for mine to go back into the field so that I could have my happy husband back.

Good luck.

Wow! I can really understand your feeling alone and left with all the kids and the house. That is truly hard.But, and its a big but, this is a man with a career, not just a job. He has told you over and over that he loves the work, he loves the money, and he's very good at it. Most men, much more than most women, define huge chunks of themselves with their work. This is who he is. You and I may not have that passion about our work...its a means to an end for many of us. But men people who love their work like he does have made it much more important. So I think (and this is my opinion only, I'm not in your shoes) is that this man and this career are a unit. Obviously the big drawback is that he isn't there all the time, but you need to step back and think. How are things when he is home? Does he do his part with kids and around the house? Is everything else OK in your relationship? When he IS home, is he there 24/7 and able to be with you? (Many women would give their right arm for that situation). Can you use some of the very good money he earns to get some extra help with child care and house issues? If most of that stuff is positive, then you need to carefully evaluate what you want and need. Lots of people have jobs that take them away for weeks, months, years of their time. They can and do build successful families by prioritizing and dealing with trade offs. Right now you seem to be stuck on this issue, and I suspect it is coloring your whole relationship. I think if your relationship is strong otherwise, you can negotiate this issue. I just looked at your answer back, but I still don't see where you say how good or bad things are when he IS home. You say he "gets to get away from all the stress", but ask yourself if he really wants to be away. From what you say, he would rather be around, but the great job he loves and makes great money at outweighs that for him. It sounds like you really need to sit down and negotiate what can be done to make you feel better about his job. You both sound like very good people trying to negotiate a difficult issue. Good luck to you both and to your children!

I you force him to quit a job that he hates and pays extremely well your relationship will probably not last. You must have known what he did for a living before your got involved with him. You have a difficult choice to make,. Good luck.

L.

He is not your husband, so your first obligation is to your chidren. Is raising his 3 along with your 3 in their best interest? Being a single mother of 1 was incredibly hard. I can't imagine living as a single mother of 6. Even though he will be home some of the time you will be their only live in parent much/most of the time. Unless his children are being rescued from an abusive or neglectful home leaving them with you is very unfair to you, as well as to them, since they won't really be with their father.

It may be time to re-evaluate whether this is the best relationship for you and your children.

I hope that didnt' sound harsh. I remember how hard it was with one (before I married) and my heart breaks for you at the thought of 3+3. Do what is right for your children.

It is time for you to do a self-evaluation. The facts of your relationship and its future are laid out in front of you. Is this something you want whole heartedly? Are you the type of woman who can deal with physical separation in a marriage? Do you even want to? Are you the type of woman who can handle raising 6 kids? Do you even want to? Is your love for this man worth the work it is going to take to do this? You only have one life. It is your job to make sure that it is a happy one. The only person you can change is yourself. Don't walk into this blindly. You have too much at stake. Don't sugarcoat your situation. It is what it is. Can you accept this and still be truly happy. You have your facts now before you walk down the aisle. Choose wisely.

It depends if you can live with this situation and how much you really love him. You can have a really rich life with him being gone a lot if you learn how to fill it, at least in part, with friendships and activities that make you and your children happy. It is not easy to raise 3 or 6 children mostly on your own!

It also depends upon whether or not when he is home, he is really at home and involved with you and the children. It will not be truly a marriage without your mutual unwavering commitment to each other and your children together. Life is just too hard without the added burden of second-guessing, constant complaining, and not really accepting one another as life partners and parents.

If you decide to continue your relationship, be prepared to make a commitment to make it work with his job. Let this be an issue of the past that you have resolved one way or another.

A good paying job is hard to find. Don't underestimate the monetary value that he contributes!! Having enough money to live on can erase a lot of pressure and tension in life. Not the most important thing, of course, but not unimportant.

I don't think that you have an easy decision. You must look deeply into your heart on this one. Best of luck whatever you decide!!

You can't blame him. You picked a guy who works on an oil rig. That is who he is. Good thing you aren't married yet. You have a choice to make. Nobody is forcing you to stay with him. Look at the situation and decide if this is the best thing for you and your children. If not, then you need to get on with your life. Love is not enough. This is not the life for everyone.

My daughter is marrying a guy who was just drafted by the NFL. She hardly ever got to see him during the football season during college and now he is off training and she is left to plan the wedding alone. But she knows this crazy life is what it will be and she says it is worth it. No, it is not ideal but she will not complain to him about it because this is what he loves.

You cannot go to the store and buy an orange and then complain that it doesn't taste like a strawberry. I am so sorry that things are not working out like you would prefer, but now is the time to decide if you will be a supportive wife for this guy or if you need someone who will be home every night. I, personally, like my husband home every night, so I would leave, as painful as that may be.

I used to be in the military. In addition to (unaccompanied) deployments of 3 mo to 2 years... there are numerous training exercises, and short term schools that are unaccompanied. Plus, you know, the obvious: you get orders to a new base every 2 years.

I never understood the women and men who dated us, KNEW what our jobs were all about, married us... and then proceeded to be miserable. Then they proceeded to make both (or all if they had kids) miserable.

If you know you don't like his life BEFORE you marry him, don't marry him honey.

This is what he does. He loves it. Is there anything you love enough that you would be unwilling to part with it? If not family, or location, or work... how about your kids? Find something that you love so dearly that it is just NOT on the table. That's how you put yourself in his shoes. He's telling you he loves it, and he's not giving it up... but you don't seem to be hearing.

It's obvious you both love each other... but love isn't enough. There also needs to be belief & respect & partnership. You're not believing him, and you both have different views on what makes a partnership. Neither is wrong... but it's soooo very important that they line up. Or neither person has a partner.

Some military spouses make their entire families miserable, others couldn't imagine another way because they LOVE it. They love the freedom, and the change, and the independence, and the life long "mini-honeymoons" when they spouse returns.

If you love him, but you hate your life. Eventually... you'll grow to hate him as well. Don't let that happen. And the reverse is true. If he gives up what he loves, because he loves you... but then will hate his life, he'll grow to hate you as well.

all my best, and meant kindly,
R

I know drillers make good money! And he knows he probably won't be able to find a job that will pay anywhere close to what he makes now. I am sure in his heart of hearts he wants to be with his family , but it is also a strong instinct for a good man to provide well for his family. I am married to a fireman and I can truly relate to what you are saying. My husband was a heavy equipment operator for the California Dept of Forestry for 20 years. We have 4 boys (his, hers and ours). I am a hairdresser. My husband would be gone for weeks at a time. The longest period being six weeks. I hated his job. It was very dangerous. His partner at work was burned bad, 90% of his body. The job was stinky and dirty. I always got the dirty, stinky laundry when he came home. I wore about 13 different hats, juggling everything by myself. Looking back I do not know how I did it all. The boys hardly knew their dad. We went to church without him; we had Thanksgiving, 4th of July, some summer vacations without him and we got use to him being away. I got over the bitterness of it early in the marriage. I married for life. The good side is that NOW, the boys are grown, they are very close to their dad, I have a great respect for him and we enjoy our early retirement to travel and do what we want to do. Because he sacrificed by planning for our future. Becasue he was willing to sacrifice, he knew he wouldn't be able to make as much money doing anything else, so he put money away for the future. your husband to be is probably a very quiet thinker like mine, but also very wise. To do the kind of work your fiance does, it takes a very special person. Try not to fight him on it but to trust him and love him through it. You will reap the benefits. The kids will bond to you in a way you will not even be able to believe. They will help you through this and you will come out the blessed one. You guys are going to be in this together. Make the most of it. You do your best, God will do the rest! God's blessings to you and your family!

This is not the relationship for you, this is what dating is all about, seeing if your are a fit. Be strong, have courage, take care of your children and YOU.

I agree that asking him to change job is unfair....this is how he earns a living and obviously this is where he wants to be--- despite your requests.....you knew that this is his job--- so accept this.......but it is not fair that that you are making all the sacrafices..... i agree with you because all of the lifestyle adjustments are being made by you,,,,,so time for honesty.... do you want a one-sided deal.....i am being blunt because i was a military brat and am a military wife......you will give and give and give.......is this the marriage you want?,,,,, this is your man...you know what life wil be like when he is gone....you will do it all.and continue to do so when he is at home.....unless you both makes rules and habits that let the children know that when daddy is home he will assit and assume certain responsibilities...because he is part of family ... your sex life can exist only if children are immediately told that you and your husband will have a period of time that is exclusively yours- can you both get cooperation from both sets of children--- because all the kids must respect this or you create a unfair situation or can you both live without alot privacy or deal with sex/ intimacy on the quick.......you need to address this issue,,,before marriage .... Ask your husband bluntly and concisely what he will do with his time when he is home.... is he a sport nut or has activities that he demands or insist that must be a part of his life when he is home,,,can his choices include you and the children.....if not ----see if he will compromise or relinquish them when home.....will he compromise , or is this another issue that must be 100 percent his way. You need to know how much time he will actually spend with his family---actively involved.... do you consider a husband hanging out with tv , garage, friends, etc as being there for you and the family..... will he correct or discipline the children or will he turn the household upside down and let them do what they want because he so rarely see them....if you do all the discipling can he butt out or protest in private......this many children and daddy out of the picture . most of the time can be detrimental to discipline--- unless you both present a united front .....can you, honestly, handle a child or children with a drug problem, eating disorder, major chronic health problem, etc,,,. by yourself.... yes ...he will be there- but- mostly spiritually and you will be there physically and emotionally in the trenches every day.....he can not help ,,,he must maintain a certain attendance at work to keep his job....so if a child has a life threatening and/or chronic illness and he has no leave to come home what will the two of you do....he will not be home much. so what will your appearance be like when he sees. you.. can he take as you are that day or is it important that he sees some or alot of glam in or out of bed....glaam is hard to come by with 6 children,,,.....what will you do about--, basically, never having a moment to yourself,,,, .....think of yourself as a divorcee who got custody of the children and your husband has visitation rights,,, unlike most women ---i do not buy into the theory that because a person works he has the same stress as a stay at home mom,,, i have done both... and as a employee i had down time --- i got breaks. lunches and the privilege of getting off work and having free time ,privacy and choices .... a stay at home mom has none of these right or privleges.... sorry .....the stay at home .....mom must considers other before herself...she is on duty or on call 24 hours a day ..365 days a year... no holidays unless you can get a family member or hire a sitter to take over ,,,, you husband must work hard.. but at the end of the day.. he has freedom and all the rights and perks that come with it... HE IS NOT HOME,,,most of the time... he does not have the children with him..... you will be the one getting the short end of the stick...and this will be the unfair deal that you must live with until this man retires.. can you joyfully accept being the one who is being taken advantaged of... do not misunderstand me... he must take advantage of you - he works a job that requires a wife who cah handle a lope-sided deal...til retirement ... now these are the questions that must be answered before marriage or before 6 children --because the answers will be the cold hard reality of your life every day you stay with him,,, as a military wife and daughter i never was dumb enough to let anyone tell me that this lifesyle was a fair deal..IT is NOT.... you must give more then you will ever recieve..... but honor demands that you ask questions and work out the the details of the deal and if you choose to accept this life... then accept it and do so graciously.... would you consider getting a nanny or help with housecleaning ,,, gives you a break and he should consider it a necessary expense and vital expense .... also tell him you will need to take a vacation once or twice a year by yourself ... no husband and no children and no phone calls unless somone is dead or dying...you will call them or if you prefer go to a local motel for few days and shop or sleep or have fun all day...he needs to have time with the children by himself and the children need a time with him by himself....can you get a set-up that allows you to have phone calls with voice and image and then have definite times when daddy will call ,,, .... i am sure that he can schedule some time to call you and the kids on a regular basis at a scheduled time... this will give everyone time with him and let the children know that they and you are important enough that he will committ to spending time with you even if its only on the phone ,,,, if he will not committ to a definite call schedule then i would dump him,,,, because the only reason not to call is injury or sickness.... being tired or stressed is not a valid reason to not share time or communicate with your family,,,after all you will have the children all the time and must be their father/ mother most of the time--- whether stressed, sick or tired... so if he loves you and the children he will make the committment to a call schedule.... if he works odd hours then have a phone with an answering machine so if your not available he can still leave long messages for the family....like a voice letter,,, if he loves you guys he will find the time and make it a priority to stay in touch,,,, even soldiers on the frontline ,,find time to write and call their families.....even if they lose some sleep time....obviously this is a package deal---- him,,,,out of town jobs and 6 kids-----,,do you want this type of deal ,,,,,think long and hard-----because having him quit is not an option... he has honestly let you know he will not quite his job and you must love and babysit all these kids without him for most of the time...that is the deal you are being told to accept... accept or decline...C. v

P.S> i do think you are asking the right questions and most of the answers focus on accepting the fact that he has right to refuse to change his job...his ego and self-worth may be determined by his job... his job provides most of the money,,,,, the economy is bad so be happy he has a job .... but people this is not the questions being asked,,,,,, is this deal fair? WHY can they not sit down and talk about career changes for both of them ... he works 9 to five and she gets a job that makes more money ,,,, how about all you people who say learn to live on less and be less materialistic.... can that be possibility........how about the fact that this man has 3 children and thinks that his career should take priority over them ,,,,, does one always have the automatic right to put career before children.... tell me --- with out her baby-sitting ,,,just what would he do with 3 kids... would his choice make him less available as parent or will he give the responsibility to another again.....why does everybody believe that this person has the absolute right to a career that takes him away from his children and someone else takes care of them---- so why did he have children.... how about the fact he wants to marry someone with 3 kids which equals 6 kids.... for the sake of the children.. could he not consider a career change,,,,,,,again no one is addressing an issue she brings up... she loses her freedom and he gain his ,,,keep it simple,,, don't glorify by telling her be proud he takes care of his family,,,,be grateful he has a job..... this lady has valid and legit concerms,,,,she is left tending the home fires and caring and loving 6 children.... he keeps the status quo and she makes all the changes.......so let be honest and cut to the chase ,,,she is not getting a fair deal here even if there is reasons for it.... you tell her to make his time at home special and do not bother him with the everyday petty details of life....just what does this man do besides provide money.. you let him off the hook with the petty and gritty details of raising 6 children..., sounds lke he being treated as a prima donna......sorry if either one needs to complain , whine or cry .....the other person listens and empathasizes... being out of town does not absolve you of doing this for your spouse or children......basically she is not getting fair deal ,,,so let be blunt people and not obscure the issue with about how to keep him happy or surviving on your own.....in this marriage she will give more then she recieves from her spouse and he keeps a job he loves and he found someone to raise his chidren --he must always have someone else raising his kids......this is what he wants.... i know i lived that life and was happy.... but i do know the sacrafices i made and i made more then him.....this is life with a man who has a job that takes him alway from you and the kids.

hi, i am a wife of a rig welder and i know how it is when he is on the road for months at a time. we have two small girls and one on the way and i know its hard when he is away. the girls miss him and i am so lonely too. we try to stay busy and have time when he calls so they can talk about their day and if he was close we would drive and go visit him for a week or two. it will be hard with 6 children and you work,but it will work out. their is aways someone you can talk to when you get over your head. as long as you have family and friends support then you will be ok. im not going to lie you will have your fights and want to give up,but it will make you stronger. you do what you think is right. best of luck to you and your family.

OK -I'm sorry, but I was all set to say, "Well, if that's how he makes money and what he's good at -you're going to have to deal with it," UNTIL I read that you're getting custody of his 3 children. WHAT!?!?!?! I would let him know in a hurry that if he thought for a minute he was going to leave for weeks at the time while I raised his kids along with my own, he was NUTS! NO WAY! Yeah, he could find another job and give up any extra expenses so he could stay home. He may not make as much money, but that's too bad unless he wants to spend part of him oil drilling money on a daily nanny to help you out. Those are the choices I would give him. If neither is going to happen, I would pack up and leave. I would go absolutely INSANE with 6 kids, and most other women I know would too -especially if 3 of them didn't even belong to me.

I had to think about this a while before I responded. Yes he has a job he loves and he had it before you guys met. If it would be about you two I would say, no he should be able to keep his job. But now where HIS three kids are moving in, that is diffrent. You didn't sign up for raising his kids. Its hard enough raising three/six kids on your own but even harder if three of them are not yours. They most likely won't listen to you since you are not their mom. Still going to work while you have to watch over six kids is going to be hard. What would your fiance do with his kids if you wouldn't be around? He wouldn't be able to leave them home alone? If he won't reconsider about looking for a diffrent job you need to think about what is more important to you. Staying with him and raising all the kids by yourself and feel alone or go out there with your kids and enjoy live the way you would like it.

It sounds like he likes the "vacation" he gets offshore with all the guys. Sorry, but I dated a guy who volunteered even when he wasn't scheduled! It didn't bother me because I got a break from him, too. But, in your case, no, that's not going to work.... He has to stop making a living, and make a LIFE. He can't be buried with that money. Tell him YOU are going to get a job and he can stay home with six kids or pay day care. I would lose my mind.....

I think you should tell him that you are trying to understand the financial aspect of why he needs to stay where he is. Not trying to get him to quit, just want to understand where he is coming from. Find out what job he would do if he got a different one, how many hours it would entail, and how much would he make?

Often people get locked into a career because to leave would mean they would have to work two or maybe three other jobs to make the same amount of money. My husband is like that. If I decided that I hated what he did and wanted him to leave....there isn't much else he could do and we wouldn't have enough money to survive.

So after you learn about the financial reasons why he wants to keep the job, if you decide you're ok with it then you should think of this the same was as if he was in the military. I have friends whose husbands are gone for a year or two at a time in other countries with the military and that's horrid. Some of them even have step kids to care for, and some have very large families. It sucks, it really does, but they love their men and are willing to put up with it.

I hope your newly blended family will work out beautifully. I'm sure that's very difficult.

I like Jill's response to your situation. You definitely have to be on board for this to work out. I am in a similar situation. I am married to a boat captain who actually works longer shifts than most in the oil field. He works 90 days overseas, and is home for 45 days at a time. The nice thing is that he's REALLY HOME when he's home. So it is like a nice long vacation.
I knew this before we got married. I am assuming that you knew this before you started dating as you stated that he's done this his whole life. It is a hard life, but it is doable.
I am a stay at home mom right now, as I personally didn't feel like I could work and handle our 3 kids on my own when he's at work. So I don't know what to tell you about working while he's gone. I am investigating work out of home jobs for when our kids are all in school (like customer service, graphic design, administrative support that can be done inside a home office). You might consider that. I tutored online for a while. However, once we ended up with our third child, my schedule got too busy to keep the tutoring jobs going (especially since my oldest was starting school, and I wanted to be available for her when she came home in the afternoons). I have to deal with him being gone during some major holidays quite often. I usually join my extended family during these times. Sometimes he is gone when one of our kids has a birthday. I usually still celebrate their birthday in a quiet family way, but we have our big birthday parties when he is home to join in (and I can handle their little guests better this way too, LOL!).
It can be done, if you are willing to be supportive of him. I know it feels like it's all on you. Sometimes I feel that way in my situation. However, I feel like I am in a very happy marriage otherwise, and it's worth all of this. If you ever want to email me to ask me more questions, or just for support, feel free to email me at ____@____.com.

I think it is wonderful you have a husband who is gainfully employed and able to support his family while working a job that he loves. If he finds another job, maybe he won't earn a salary that will fully support this very large family he now has. That will be a different stress factor. Or may be he won't truly enjoy the job. He'll come home every evening stressed and might possibly not be there mentally at all. So if you look long and hard at what you do have, you are married to a man who supports you, loves his job and, hopefully, when he is home he is a happy husband and father.

On the other hand, I think you are right about wanting some 'me' time, and I truly believe you will deserve that from time to time. Have you worked out any agreements with him such that, when he is home, you can take a break for yourself? After all, you probably have earned some quiet time.

Giving ultimatums in a marriage is probably not a good idea. But trying to work out a compromise that will help satisfy your needs might be worth exploring.

I know that this is a hard situation and I can remember feeling this way when I first got married. I tried to talk to my mom and she told me to deal with it. This was of no help at all. I want to try and give you some food for thought. I can almost bet you that if he leaves his job that he loves for you then eventually it will bleed over into his everyday life. It may cause problems in the marriage. You should feel extremely lucky that you have a man who is willing to take care of you and the kids!! There seem to be so many selfish partners who only care about their own needs. If he works up to two weeks at a time then what kind of break does he get?? Enjoy the time together and enjoy the children. Teach them to be strong. Have a surprise party for dad when he gets home. Get a sitter for the children and have a weekend getaway. Let your love show through in so many ways. When he is gone get a webcam to communicate. Send love notes through e mail. Be supportive and let him be the breadwinner. This will give you a chance for self examination and your relationship can grow. There are always two ways to look at every situation but I choose to look at things in the positive way. Taking care of those 6 little dependents will teach you a lot of things! Kids are very genuine and very innocent!!

I think you need to realize that he would not be happy doing anything else and you will not be happy with him gone. Realistically, I think you two need to go your seperate ways.

Good luck,
dh

WOW! It sounds like you have your hands very full. 6 kids sounds like so much work and to have a job on top of that sounds completely exhausting and frustrating and you must have absolutely no time to yourself. It is important for your husband to be happy with his career but your happiness and individuality is equally important. It sounds like you are sacrificing a lot for him and caring for 3 additional kids that you have not been raising until now is A LOT. You deserve a little peace and sanity and your husband should care enough to want that for you. If your husband isn't willing to give up his job because it pays so well maybe he can sacrifice some of that $$ to hire a nanny/house keeper, even if only part time, to help you out so you have some time to relax and do with your time what you wish. If you are able to put a little time into your interests it should also help ease the pain of missing him so much :)

you except a person for who they are and not "if they change this then it will be good". you except the person knowing they are the way they are and you love them for it. on any matter that is a big issue (religion, job, rasing kids) you really need to see eye to eye. i personally would not enter into this marriage espically since you want him to change it so much. will you love him if he keeps this job, will you be happy if he keeps this job. it dosent sound like it will be a happy situation for you. personally i could not handle six kids all by my self.

Your FIANCE' is doing what he can to provide for his family. You knew his job and position when you started dating him yet you chose to make a relationship anyway. Now you want him to leave what he knows and loves to accomodate your need for a help mate? I would recommend calling off your engagement and move on. He comes with a lot of baggage (as do you)and you are not obligated to care for his children. I think in the end you are going to be resentful of always being the soul caregiver of all 6 children and it's ultimately going to destroy your relationship with your husband, and by then, take your kids down, too. I think you genuinely love him but sometimes love is not enough. When you agree to marriage, you have to agree to ALL he has to offer. You're not in agreement with what he has to offer going in and you're not going to accept what he has to offer with a ring on your finger. Do yourself, and everyone involved, a favor and move on.

Have you thought about going to a marriage counselor and talking about it? They have the benefit of seeing famiiles after a few years and someone should be able to give you a good guess how you will be handling this down the road. Marriages fall into patterns and a good counselor should be able to see where yours is going and you would be able to decide if that is a good path and if not, take steps to change it.

If you don't want to be alone and he wants to be away for work, I would think this will cause a constant issue. I have some women friends who would LOVE the space and see it as a plus. Get some good advice so you can handle this or it will eat at you over and over.

Good luck!

I read over some of the responses, but I haven't heard anyone mention the difficulties of blended families. I am just coming out of a blended family of 5 kids (3 mine and 2 his). It was extremely hard with both of us there everyday. We are now in the process of divorce because it really became overwhelming and found we had different values and desires for what we wanted. Think long and hard. 6 kids of your own would be hard, but blending kids from 2 parents is very complicated. If you decide to stick with it I would strongly suggest marriage and family counseling before and during.

Your fiance is really trying hard to provide for you and his kids, I know it is probably hard for him to look for another job when he enjoys working with what he likes to do and yet it sounds like he is making money and is probably worried he won't find a job that will be paying good. I don't think many men worries about taking care of their family, some even let their spouse work to support them. In the long run he will eventually realize that he needs to find another job so he can be with his family, when he sees his kids, they will probably convinced him to stay with them, I had a similar situation, my youngest daughter who was only 2 years at the time was ready to walk out with my husband to go with him, when he was ready to leave for work and be gone for a week, he then realized he had to look for a job to be home with the kids.

Updated

Your fiance is really trying hard to provide for you and his kids, I know it is probably hard for him to look for another job when he enjoys working with what he likes to do and yet it sounds like he is making money and is probably worried he won't find a job that will be paying good. I don't think many men worries about taking care of their family, some even let their spouse work to support them. In the long run he will eventually realize that he needs to find another job so he can be with his family, when he sees his kids, they will probably convinced him to stay with them, I had a similar situation, my youngest daughter who was only 2 years at the time was ready to walk out with my husband to go with him, when he was ready to leave for work and be gone for a week, he then realized he had to look for a job to be home with the kids.

If you were not there, how would he handle taking custody of his 3 kids?

You did say "Fiance'" right? Why would you go thru all this and you aren't even married? End it now, sweetie. Don't ruin your relationship with your kids for someone who just wants you to mother his kids so he can please himself. He obviously isn't considering what you want or need. Let his family help him raise his kids as an absentee father. You can't make someone do what he doesn't want to do. It's obvious that you won't get what you want from this relationship, so why would you consider taking on his 3 children to raise if you still have to work?

If you will notice, most of these women giving you advice are MARRIED to their HUSBANDS. Believe me, it is DIFFERENT to be married. They have made a commitment and need to fulfill their marriage vows and their relationship is blessed by the Lord. Your's isnt. This man is not your Husband. You should not even consider taking on this task for a man who is not really committed to you. And, since you are not happy with what he does for a living (that he loves and will not change), why would you want to marry him and end up being his nanny and "live-in part-time-lover." You won't even have time for romance with 6 kids around. I know. I was married to a man who had 2 kids and I had 3 and then we had one together. Then, he cheated on me like most men do when the level of responsibility gets too great and they need their ego fed. This may sound cold, but END IT NOW, before you start building a commitment to his children. There are other men out there who might be more interested in having a family and sharing in the day-to-day responsibilities. But, you can do this on your own. I also know that if you take on his kids, your kids will feel abandoned. They need you. If you need more money, get a grant and go back to school. You will be glad you did.

I married a man with 4 children who was a teacher. I thought it was so noble because he was such a great Dad. Well, I'm sorry I did it. He was a great Dad to his children. My children felt lost and rebelled so much that I ended up having to do what I had to do for his children and one of mine went into the service, one went to live with his Dad and one moved in with her boyfriend and got pregnant and now is a single parent, still not married.
I was a lot happier as a single parent with my 4 children. I am sorry I thought love was so important. The Brady Bunch is just a TV show. I still had to work and eventually, he lost his teaching job and now I have most of the responsibility for the 3 children that are still at home and there is no romance. He just thinks he owns me and can make me please everyone else all the time. I love my job and that is where I get my Kudos, but I hate coming home. It's not my home anymore. I'm just the work horse that keeps it all together. Believe me, DON'T DO IT!!!