During the weekends, i've started purposely leaving my 9 month baby with my husband while I keep busy around the house. What bothers me the most is that from the second he wakes up and until he goes to bed he's sitting on the couch, playing video games or watching tv. Today, he kept the baby for over 6 hours in her high hair, in the living room, while him and his brother were playing games. She's an awesome baby, but she definately was letting him know by whining and banging on the chair that she wanted to grt out, play, crawl! He barely spends time with her during the week because of work, and ignores her during the weekend. I didnt interfere all day to see what he would do (besides being very verbal to her about her needs like "here baby you must be hungry, heres your bottle") and nothing happened besides that, poor thing stayed in there all day.
He knows how to play with her, but prefers not to, im guessing, and it really hurts me.
I also have to mention that his older brother and wife (in their 30s) moved into our house for whats been over 8 months now. All his time is spent playing games with his brother, since thats all he does.
Ive tryied talking to him and he just mumbles yeayea, or "well what else you want me to do? Theyres nothing to do" (i could list things to only find his gaze on tv, barely listening anymore).
He changes diapers and makes her bottles and puts her to be and all that but doesnt SPEND TIME with her-and barely me for that matter, just xbox, tv, or his brother.
Hes a wondeful loving husband, and as much as we discussed his brother leaving he never actually TELLS his brother to leave. This is ruining our relationship AND family, i simply dont know what to do anymore. I dont want to make an ultimatum ie its either he moves or I move, but I feel so close to it, and I simply dont know what to do anymore.
i'm sorry, i'm not getting the 'wonderful loving husband' vibe from a man who so totally ignores the wonder of having his own BABY there with him, who spends no time with you or her, and who refuses to have a conversation with you about it.
there is no way i would tolerate me or my child being treated in this manner.
nothing wrong with ultimatums when they're called for.
this oaf needs a wake-up call.
khairete
S.
If a babysitter did this, you would fire him or her. If my husband had done this, I would have taken all the laptops and game devices with me when leaving the house. I would also have had a talk with his mom and dad about his and his brother's behavior with the baby. I'd tell the entire family, I would be so angry.
I guess you can tell I'm not above embarrassing someone when I'm THIS angry.
You don't leave a baby in a highchair for six hours.
Why is this couple still living with you? What is your SIL doing?
You say he's a wonderful loving husband. What is loving and wonderful about a husband who sits gazing at the TV ignoring you and his daughter? It sounds like his bro and the TV take the place of YOU. You have talked about it til you're blue in the face and it hasn't done a bit of good.
Instead of expecting your husband to tell his brother to leave, YOU should do it. I swear, I'd have a fit if it were me. Don't mince words - tell your BIL and SIL to go find somewhere else to live. They are ruining your marriage and being party to your husband being a very poor father.
It's time to take back your house and if it messes your relationship up with your husband's family, too bad.
That's my opinion.
Dawn
No offense, but he does not sound "loving". He sounds immature, selfish, and rude. You need to get his family out of your house. A "loving" husband will pick YOU and his CHILD over anyone, even family. And game time needs to be restricted. If she sat in her highchair for HOURS, not only was he refusing to "play" with her, but he wasn't TAKING CARE OF HER. What would have happened if you weren't there?
Sorry, but your baby comes first. I would have pulled the plug out on the TV and really wouldn't have cared if I embarrassed him or not!!! I would NEVER allow my baby to sit in a high chair for 6 hours. Sorry but that is neglect!!! If you had a nanny I am sure you would have fired her for leaving your baby like that. Time to get serious here and have a sit down. Plenty of time to play video games when the baby is sleeping. Sorry but your husband sounds very immature, and he needs a wake up call. Your baby did not ask to be brought into this world, and she deserves full love and attention. PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN!!!
Were you home during the six hour high chair confinement? If so, you are also being as neglectful as your husband. Find other ways of getting your husband involved, but don't use your baby in your passive agressive method.
I am sorry if this offends you, but I am not sorry for saying it. A 9 month old shouldn't be forced to sit in a high chair for that long. Did you take her out to change her diaper? Please don't do it again!
I'd tell him flat out that leaving a baby in a highchair for an extended period of time is EXTREMELY CRUEL and NEGLECTFUL. If any social worker came by and saw that happening I am certain that they would remove the baby from your home.
Yes, I would issue an ultimatum, but in your case, it seems very likely that he won't choose the grown-up path. Be prepared for that. Start putting money aside for you and your baby in case you have to leave (or if you have to kick him out.)
A wonderful loving husband is considerate without having to be told and listens to what his wife is trying to discuss with him. He ignores you as much as he ignores your daughter.
I suggest marriage/family counseling, because he needs to realize that change is not optional and you need to learn how to communicate more effectively.
Do any moms remember when your kids got that loud or annoying toy. What did you do? I know what I did....I took the batteries out so it would not work anymore or I made sure it did not work anymore. The same thing can happen to an XBOX or video game. I was always asked "what happen to the toy" my response was always the same...."huh...what toy...oh no it does not work anymore?" . Get my point.
Apparently your husband does not know any better and left your daughter in her high chair for 6 hours. You on the other hand know better and still allowed her to sit there all those hours. I am not sure who is worse. I feel really sorry for your baby girl.
I could not have let my child sit in a high chair that long. Not sure how either of you was able to do that.
Here's what I do when the kids play video games too long - we just take away the controllers. They can't play without controllers.
I would let you husband know that from now on, gaming is to be done only during nap time or when your daugther is in bed. He clearly can't control himself and you will take away the controllers if you need to or get rid of the game system entirely. Tell him that yes you realize that you sound like his mother, but he is acting like a teenager and not the equal partner who you married.
Then plan some outings for next weekend and show him what life is like with a baby in normal households where adults parent their children. Unless he's 17 or something, this behavior is bizarre and unacceptable.
I'd sign him up for some classes or playgroups with baby out of the house.
Wow. I feel very sorry for you. My husband is a stay at home dad. He does everything for our 17 month old and 5 month old, and is very hands on involved in everything. I cant imagine what I would do if it were any different.
If my husband has on a TV show or a game (which is rare) on the weekend, and it is bothering me, and I feel like we need family time. I simply TURN IT OFF! What is he is a child? Is he going to throw a tantrum?
TURN IT OFF. And say “hey, lets spend some time toghether with the baby and take her to the park” or whatever the case may be. Even if its just playing with her in the room.
And I would tell your husband “I love your brother, but this is affecting our home life, our marriage and your relationship with your daughter. In two weeks I would like you to tell them they need to find a new place to live within the next month. If you do not do this, I will tell them.”---If that month passes and he does not do that for you. Then I would tell him you are leaving him. I am a firm believer that you do everything to make your marriage work. BUT that goes BOTH ways, if the other person isn’t willing to put forth the effort then they do not deserve to be with you!!
Take it from someone who has a VERY hands on husband when it comes to baby care, and very in love with our kids that you DESERVE to have someone like that with your baby. In the end you have to put your baby first. Him putting her in a high chair for that amount of time is ABSOLUTELY unexceptable !!
In our house, a nine month old sitting in a high chair for 6 hours would be considered neglectful. If your husband is that cruel and out of touch then why the heck did you allow him to treat your daughter that way? How would YOU like to be strapped in a high chair for 6 hours?
I'm sorry but maybe I shouldn't have responded to this post as I cannot relate AT ALL. Sometimes new Dad's need a little encouragement to get involved. Sometimes they are nervous or don't realize that interacting with their baby can be as simple getting her some pot and pans to bang around. Not all Dad's are able to jump right in but playing video games and watching TV all weekend is just plain weird. His response to your questioning is "well what else you want me to do? Theyres nothing to do" he sounds like a bratty kid whining I'mmm Booooored.
I really don't know what I'd do in your situation but certainly not use my kid as a pawn and my in-laws as scapegoats. Are you really that sure he wouldn't sit on the couch all day if his brother wasn't there? I think you two need a talk (counseling session) about maturity, responsibility and forming a strong family connection. With a nine month old you are both at the very beginning of long journey, if he remains detached in this way it's going to be a rough road.
I am sorry this is happening. Have you tried sitting down on the floor with him and your baby and playing all together? I would try asking for "Family time " and then get down on the floor together and play with your baby. Tell him to turn the tv off and put away any distractions. Say for the next hour, we are going to spend time with our baby. Show him how to play with her and tell him that if he doesn't start getting involved now, she won't know him and he will regret it terribly.
You have got alot of issues here so I can't address them all, but I really feel that you could benefit from therapy together. Tell your BIL to leave and its time for him to find somewhere to live. Your marriage, homelife are at stake and having other extra bodies in the house will just make it harder.
Tell your husband that its bad for her to be left in her chair for the day. Its neglectful and he needs to wake up and get involved. I would take away the game system and tv and tell him that you need him to co-parent. He needs to figure it out. Good luck.
I do think your life sounds stressful. I also think that if you tell hubby to boot his family he's likely to take your ultimatum and choose family. It's a guy thing. He's shown you what he's like. He is enjoying this time with his brother and he's having fun with him.
He is caring for the baby, just not the way she really wants to be handled. Sitting for that many hours is hard on her tushy. It's also not very good on her development. I'd show him the developmental milestones on parentcenter,com or babycenter.com and show him what she's supposed to be doing right now. Then tell him how his actions is stunting her actions.
I approve highly of your making him take her too. That's a great thing on your part.
Well, I feel like if you are considering an ultimatum, getting the brother out would make the most sense. I would set a very specific and short time frame for them to get out of your house.
It sounds like this is really a maturity problem for your husband, that wont totally go away with his brother out of the house. But at least it will improve and be easier to deal with without them there.
A.~ I'm sorry. What part of your husband is wonderful and loving? He doesn't listen when you try to talk to him. He plays video games for more than 6 hours at a time, and he neglects his child. How were you able to let her stay in her chair that long??
I don't know what to tell you. You are more patient than I would be with him. I don't think you can blame this on the brother. Your husband is a grown man and a FATHER. He needs to step up and act like one. If he doesn't want to be either of those things I think I would be serving up an ultimatum. And it would be either he gets it together or he will be free to play video games as much as he likes because you and the baby will be out of there.
Hubby did the minimal with the baby, as a majority of husbands may do. However, what works against his defense is that he is playing video games all day with his brother. He's enjoying his brother's company, as he has a game partner. What should he have done with the baby that would have been remarkably different besides actually holding her and playing a few minutes of peak-a-boo then putting her down elsewhere? Should he have held her for all that time? I'm not defending him, I just want to be clear on how you hoped this would play out.
Why is the brother and his wife living there anyway? You might want to have a talk about setting a deadline date for them to find their own place, so the expectations are clear. Right now, they are not. Husbands don't take care of the kids the same way we do and we as mothers need to accept that. Was it a good idea to leave the baby in the high chair all day -probably not, but now you can explain why to him. He figured, she's in the chair safe, not crying....it's all good. Men don't do things like we do. That's why they're MEN.
It is great to insist on his help, however, not at the expense of a 9 month old strapped to a high chair for 6 hours.
I just drove in from a 4.5 hour drive. My back hurts, my neck is stiff, my shoulders ache, and my leg is numb.
Just take the baby and tell hubby to grow up.
I just had a conversation with a good friend and how her husband cannot "multi-task" as we momma's do. I am learning to accept it and allow him to take care of the kids the way he does. Leaving her in the high chair for 6 hours, umm NO! You have to verbalize (if that's a word) LOL to your husband what you would like from him, they cannot read our minds.
You need to sit your hubby down NOT while he's playing games/watching tv, but say right before lights out in the evening, and tell him just what you told us. You don't want to nag, but he doesn't seem to understand how serious you are when you tell him you'd like him to do x.
If you come to him on the weekend and say honey, will you do x for me? Does he do it? If so, then he truly may not really know what you want/need him to do so he just waits for you to ask. My hubby "observed" the house cleaning ritual for a while before he felt comfortabl enough to jump in. Now we divide the house and have it conquered within a couple of hours every Sunday morning.
As for time with the baby, a lot of men don't pay a lot of attention/play with a baby so young. At one point I was beginning to think my hubby didn't like our grandchildren. Turns out, as they get older, he spends a lot more time with them. Some men just can't really relate to the baby thing and don't really know HOW to play with a 9 month old baby.
Next weekend, plan a day out of the house with you, hubby and the baby so you can all reconnect as a family!
Only thing I'd add is my husband wasn't great when our daughter was that age either. I don't think i ever expected him to take over for 6 hours though. You say "weekendS" so this wasn't the first time. My husband always had something else to do too - it wasn't video games but it's just as annoying when there's some excuse. He did spend some time with her but sounds like your husband does too - diapers, bottles, puts her to bed etc. So not zero contribution. Why not ask him to spend one hour at a time focused on her? This open ended thing may be too much for him. Not many fathers I know took over for 6 hours on weekends very often. As kids get older, fathers typically get more involved.
