I Need Help!!! 13 Yr Old Daughter Acting Out!

She is on a path of self distruction. Main problem is her friends, been there, done that. They feed off of each other. The same thing happened to my daughter when we moved and she made new friends. They all seemed so nice and were at the house all the time. But then the stealing, smoking, talk of sex, drugs, alcohol all came up and then started. The more we restricted her the worse it got. She started sneaking out at night, skipping school, you name it. Than she got very depressed, probably from the drug and alcohol use and finally agreed to go to counseling which we had been pushing her to go to. She is now a happy well adjusted young woman, but her 3 best buddies (all in their early 20s now) from back then are all still so messed up it is so sad.

M.--
I'm so sorry to hear that you have to deal with such chaos. I have foster children (boys only) and when they show up to my house, they usually have had years of the kind of behavior you describe.

My house is calm now, all because of Parenting Teens with Love and Logic. Read it cover to cover, implement one step at a time, and soon you will remember that parenting was once *fun*.

Good luck,
A.
Love and Logic Parent Coach

I really hope you read this because I see a lot of similarities in our stories:

I read and reread what you said carefully ,
trying to find the right approach.
I remember being thirteen and feeling the pressures of trying to fit in with new friends, and how at odds I was with my parents. I'm 28 now with a three year old.
Maybe you never expierenced this , I don't know.
I too , was in GT and had a DONOR dad that lived in CA my whole life and moved to within 30 min. of me when I was 12-13 yrs. old.
My mom was very protective of me and didn't trust or believe me. She was right , sometimes, but many times she was totally off base, and I really could have used someone who believed in me at that time.
She was so scared for me that she created a paranoia that was much bigger than the problem.
If you want to know what happened to me,
I dropped out of school in the 11th grade after being raped which I never told my mom about because of our relationship being what it was. My mom sent me to my Dad's to live with him for the first time in my life. I lived there for about 1 month. Lived at a few friends houses, then went travelling in a bus around the southwest for the summer.Came back to Austin, lived with 5 guys my age in a shack off of S Congress, met a guy I lived with for about 5 years. Became a strick Macrobiotic for the last three years with him. Broke up , moved to Jamaica and lived on the beach for a summer. Moved back to Austin and met the man I am now married to.
We've been together for 7 years have a 3 year old son, own our own business and are living the life of our dreams!!!
My husband is also a high school drop out for many of the same reasons and we are currently developing a non-profit that builds confidence and support for teens we didn't have.

I have WAY simplified my last 13 years. I wanted to make a couple of things clear through my story:
1. Your daughter is going to be fine, whatever happens. If she is GT she knows how to think creatively in situations
2. Alot of people consider hardship to be the building blocks of a successful life so even if she does become a teen Mom ,good could come from it.
3. Your daughter needs someone to believe and support her. If you think you are going through a hard time,how do you think she feels; try seeing it from her perspective.
4. You can not control your daughter, you can only council her at this point, and if you truly want to be there to have any influence on her life , you might want to stop pushing her away.
5. If you've never seen the movie THE SECRET you should watch it , with her, like 20 times, until it sinks in that the things you focus your attention on are what are going to become true in your life. Try thinking this" My daughter is very smart and she can handle anything that comes her way. She always makes good choices and she can count on me to love and support her"

Good Luck, I know she's going to do great , and If you want me to meet with her , my # is ###-###-####.
-BLESS, Angela Peace

Well M.,
I wish I could tell you that I had hoards of advice to give you, but all I can really say is that I SOOO feel your pain! Most of all, I just want to tell you that you are not alone, it's not you or your current husbands fault...it's really no one's fault. My daughter began what you call "acting out" (I call it morphing into some unidentifiable "punk-ho-thug") at the age of about 12. She will be 18 in two weeks and has not lived with me since last July. At the age of 17 in the state of Texas you pretty much lose all of your parental power, so the whole situation was out of my hands. She has been in and out of my house 4 times in the past year. I can offer no advice to you for your daughter, but I can tell you how important it is that you not let her dominate your life. My current husband and I have been together since she was 5 months old, and was the only "day to day" father she ever knew. Her biological father was also on the scene, but for every other weekend only. She will never know what she has done to this family. I've spent the past 4 1/2 years beating myself up wondering what I did wrong, and feeling like I had to justify my entire life to the casual observer who had no idea what my child was putting the rest of the family through. Everyone suggested therapy, and after 8 months of her completely snowing the therapist we gave that up. I tried being rational, being a "friend", trying everything to connect with her on ANY level to no avail. We also went through the "stripping of the bedroom", no privileges, constant monitoring, house lockdown.....the whole family had to suffer through all of this! I guess what I'm really saying is that I know the pain you are going through. You kind of run the gammit between an overwhelming need to understand what is inside your childs head, and wanting to pinch it off!! It's embarrasing as a parent, and you feel like you have to justify your whole life to anyone who knows the least of what you are dealing with. I KNOW!!! I've been there, and am still there on some level. This is just a few lines of support, you are not alone, and if you just need someone to talk to about this I would be happy to listen and nod. I don't know if there's a way that you could contact me directly, but if you are interested I'll give you my number. I am a stay at home housefrau, too. I think there needs to be a support group for mothers of wayward daughters!

You are right to enforce the rules. What teen wouldn't want to go where the freedom is, right? But whether it is vocalized or not, she knows her security is with you....when push comes to shove and she finds herself in need, it will be you she comes to. It is natural to resist the rules, but you have to stick with it. I'm in total agreement with you that she must earn privacy, trust,etc. I believe you trust your kids until they give you reason not to. After that, they must prove themselves, even if they must do so without a door. (I've done that!) For every rule you enforce, though, you must show her twice the amount of love. You can be steadfast in your decisions, and be clear about the wrong behavior, but you must also be clear about the right behavior as well and praise her every chance you get when she does anything positive. Do not allow her to just sulk in her room all the time. Make her join in a family game or outing. Get her surrounded by positive influences so she can see the difference between the desirable and the undesirable. Find stories about kids that have made these poor decisions and look where it got them. She must see the negative consequenses to these actions. Again, though, show her what she could do with her talents. What are her hobbies? Is there something you can get her involved with like a club or group that will fill her time with positive, goal driven activities?
You sound to me like you are doing everything right. My only concern is that your husband doesn't begin to distance himself from her because of her actions or her involvement with her dad. This will tell her that his love is conditional and she needs to know that no matter what he will be there for her.

Hey M.,

My two are now 27 and 17. Going on my 2nd round now. Learn alot the first time. YOU have to stand your ground. Do not let her rule you and daddy PERIOD. You give and inch she will talk a mile. But by the same token when she does something good she must be rewarded.

1. Go to the school. Visit with her counselors, teachers etc... Find out everything thing she is doing. Everyone she is hanging out with. Where does she go after school? Find out about every aspect of your childs life. Let her know you care and you are doing this for her to protect her. Yes of course she is going to be mad, resentful. "your are all up in my business" Mom this IS your child and you do not want to loose her. JUST do it.

2. Stay on her about school. Keep her busy with good programs that keep her busy. Band, Choir, Ready Set Teach programs, Church programs, etc...That way she does not have as much time to hang out with the wrong element.

3. There are reaction for every action the child makes. In other words. CONSEQUENCES FOR THEIR ACTIONS. They MUST pay a price when they lie, disobey, disrespect self, others, others property, etc...This is where you mom have to play tough love. Take that phone. Take the Ipod, computer. Car keys, etc... Whatever affects them and gets their attention. Do not give back until things change or the date that was agreed upon. Also you and Dad MUST (a bid must)stick together. Do not let the child play one up against another. Never let her get the best of you.

4. Praise and reward her when she has improved. When her time of punishment is up. Then give her things back. If she has not improved, make her earn them back but praise her when she has done good. This will help teach responsibility as well.

Tough love is always hard. We want the best for our kids and we don't want things to be hard for them like it was for us. But, it we are not inforcing any type of rules, code of conduct, etc...then we are not doing out duty as parents in teaching them how to act as adults when they enter the world on their own.

Sincerely,
S. R.

I don't usually read through most posts, but yours caught my eye and I really felt lead to read it through. I know that one of the other response was to look into Teen Challenge. I second that. I have looked into it for my brother, who is in his 20's, and it is an awesome program. I am sure there are many others out there, but this is one that I would recommend.

My hope is that you will find the help and support that you need to push through this trial.

Dear M.,
The more we try to keep the human spirit in a box, the more determined that spirit becomes to break free.
If you want the answer to how to handle your daughter you must first think about how you would like to be treated. Children are as deserving of respect as adults. Would you treat an adult friend the way you have been treating your daughter? Or would you perhaps talk to them and support them?
Your daughter is at a delicate age. She has experienced a lot of change in her life recently and this has occurred simultaneously with the beginning of puberty.
I sense that her forays into "sex and drugs" are probably part of trying to fit in with a new group of children. Acceptance by one's peers is the main driving force behind the acts and behavior of most teenagers.
There is also the fact that children will find a way to do whatever they want to do with or without a parent's permission. The only way to stop this is to lock them up 24/7. Hardly feasible.
Your fears my dear are forcing your daughter into a corner and she is reacting as any human would.
Also your narrative focuses a lot on your ex-husband. Your resentment towards him is clear as is your need to control both him and others. I have to ask if you made some decisions in your life that you regret. If so, did you feel that someone should have stopped you? Are you trying to be the STOP button for your children? Are you trying to make it so that they will not make the same "mistakes" you did?
Even if you could do this, you would be doing them a disservice.
What your daughter needs most now is your unconditional love and support. If she does not get it at home, she will seek it elsewhere including in the arms of a teenage boy.
Ask yourself "What would love do now?" as each situation arises.
I would also suggest some release work around forgiving your ex and allowing him to be who he is. As you have noted you can not control what goes on when your daughter is with him. By restricting her so much at your house, you only make it easier for her to rebel. You see, your restrictions make her feel justified to "fight back.".
I suggest you learn to talk to her and most importantly to LISTEN to her. I would like to recommend a book by Elaine Mazlisch and Adele Faber called "How to talk so kids can listen, and how to listen so kids can talk." It is easy reading and absolutely wonderful. You will find many gems in it.
In a nutshell, understand that control over others is an illusion. Instead learn to be a guide. All we can ever do for our children is set the example and share our wisdom. The rest is truly up to them and who they are being. We can not live their lives for them.
Love to you.
Z

EDIT: After reading the other responses I can only say that if punishment worked, we would have no problem children. They all misbehave, generally get punished and then turn around and misbehave again. Punishment is not effective. Further I would ask if it is even desirable. Haven't human beings evolved a little further than pain and fear as methods for "raising" our children? Haim Ginott, a famous educator, once said "Punishment does not deter misbehavior, it only makes the perpetrator more careful about misbehaving." (I paraphrase.) The main effects of punishment are to create traumatizations, rebellion, and determination to fight back. Don't fool yourselves ever into believing that you can ever know where your children are and what they doing 24/7 unless you are by their side. My best friend in school was allowed out two nights a week only. The rest of the time she lived on a farm in the middle of nowhere. She was our wildest friend.

EDIT 2: This just in from Daily OM:

March 25, 2008
Accepting Yourself
A Dynamic Choice-Maker
There is no such thing as a good person or a bad person. There are choices and actions that lead us in different directions, and it is through those choices and actions that we create our realities. Sometimes we choose or do something that takes us in the opposite direction of the reality we want to create for ourselves. When we do this, we feel bad—uneasy, unhappy, unsure. We might go so far as to label ourselves “bad” when a situation like this arises. Instead of labeling ourselves, though, we could simply acknowledge that we made a choice that lead us down a particular path, and then let it go, forgiving ourselves and preparing for our next opportunity to choose, and act, in ways that support our best intentions.

Many of us experienced childhoods in which the words good and bad were used as weapons to control us—you were good if you did what you were told and bad if you didn’t. This kind of discipline undermines a person’s ability to find their own moral center and to trust and be guided by their own inner self. If you were raised this way, you may find yourself feeling shockwaves of badness when you do something you were taught was wrong, even if now you don’t agree that it’s bad. Conversely, you may feel good when you do what you learned was right. Notice how this puts you in something of a straitjacket. An important part of our spiritual unfolding requires that we grow beyond what we learned and take responsibility for our own liberation in our own terms.

You are a human being with every right to be here, learning and exploring. To label yourself good or bad is to think too small. What you are is a decision-maker and every moment provides you the opportunity to move in the direction of your higher self or in the direction of stagnation or degradation. In the end, only you know the difference. If you find yourself going into self-judgment, try to stop yourself as soon as you can and come back to center. Know that you are not good or bad, you are simply you.

No means no. Stand your ground. Rules are in place for her SAFETY/to teach her that in life there are RULES to follow no matter where her feet land. Tell her it is job preparation for life. If she threatens/yelps, close your ears. Do not feed into her wails because when you feed into her wails, she's got you where she wants you and will continue to play you for a fool. Do not degrade her by calling her names. Call her friends/parents of her friends and tell them you are not allowing your daughter to visit/hang out with their children/her friends. Tell "DONOR" the child is not allowed to spend time at his presence for FAILURE to comply to YOUR rules since you are the PRIMARY parent. If he yelps, ignore him... If he's paying you child support good for him but you still have RULES that NEED to be RESPECTED by HIM. You can be called square, ignorant, blah, blah, but your child is your asset and your responsibility till she turns 18 years of age. You have every right to go through her items as long as she is a resident of your house. Leave the door up... give her that much respect/privacy. Sex/drugs... Call the local Planned Parenthood and see if they have seminars with teenage moms with babies. Or call her school and inquire of any homebound teenage mommies. Maybe this would be an eye opener to her that if she is indeed having sex this is what could happen to her. Her freedom will be totally squashed because her freedom would be occupied by a baby/working to maintain the baby in diapers, formula, etc. Drugs. Make her volunteer at a local homeless shelter/soup kitchen. A lot of those people are druggers. If she was a gifted student before the move, she can still be a gifted student now. Put a $50 bill under her nose or whatever you can afford and if she makes the honor roll, she gets the money. A bait in front of a fish... sometimes the fish takes the bait other times no. It is worth the try. I was strict with my daughter and she turned out to be a great young lady. My daughter told me thanks mom for telling me no, for making her read, and sparing the rod!

I also am a stay at home mother of 3 girls. They are all in their early teens. The chance of her lying to right now seems quite huge if she is truly stealing from you. I guess drastic behavior calls for drastic measures. Confrontation is never easy. It may be too personal, but is her dad in the picture? I think it is very important to keep the lines of communication open. Otherwise, your influence becomes absolutely gone. Is there a woman that she feels safe with who has the same values and ideas as you have? You may ask her for intervention. Or perhaps the counselor at her school. Some schools have counselors who are part of a grant that work in the school but not for the school. That may be a place to start? I am praying for her and your family.

As a problem child myself, I feel for you. I was aweful when I was that age. I was mad at the world for a lot of reasons. I was determined to make my mother as miserable as I was. Sex, drugs and rock n' roll pretty much sums it up.

Know who your daughter is hanging out with and know their parents. Talk to them, do they have the same values and rules that you do? Most of all trust your instincts! If you have a bad feeling about one of her friends or their parents, don't let her around them. My mother never let me go to one of my friends houses because she didn't trust her parents judgement, if I wanted to hang out with her she had to come to my house.

If you suspect it, she is probably doing it. Plus, it's better to be safe than sorry. I hated my mother for a while because she wouldn't let my hang out with a lot of the people I wanted to. I see now why and I love her for it! You have to remember that being a parent is much more important than being a friend at this age.

Also, make sure that she knows she can come to you with a problem. I never felt that I could talk to my mother. The few times I tried to reach out to her, it bit me in the butt and I got into even more trouble than if she had just caught me in the act. Even if what she is telling you is horrifying, try not to over react and listen with an open mind.

Good luck to you! I hope I have helped!

How much freedom do you allow her? If so, she needs to lose it all as well as her phone, computer, and any other privileges that mean anything to her. As long as she thinks you are all talk and no action you can talk yourself to death and her behavior will never change.. Sounds like her friends might be a problem too, it may be that you have to start home schooling her or move her to a different school.

edit: I hope you find a way to reach her, sounds like you've done everything I would do already!

M.,
I have 4 girls from 26 to 10. I married her(26 year olds) stepdad when she was eight and the circumstances you describe are similar to what ours were. The oldest put us through the ringer and we did many of the things you are doing now, as well as having her arrested when she left home for the weekend. (hardest thing I ever did) she spent about 3 hours in the back of our admittedly small town police station but she was there long enough to figure out she didn't really want to be there. This next line if for you. Remember that what ever you do, that as long as your decsions are made with love and the hope of bringing her to become a better person you are doing the right thing(s). My only real advice is stay with it. Don't give up on her. On some level, (because her Dad (doner) did/has somewhat) she may be testing you. Moving into a new world it's easy to get sucked into the bad side. Those kids usually are easier to get next to and give the appearance of "cool" and can make a kid feel as if they have fit in right away. It is perfectly alright that you tell her she can not have a particular friend or that someone is not welcome in your world because of who they are. Another thing you may want to do is ask her if she's happy. When she screams at you or looks at you with dismay and gives you the Duh...no kidding idiot look. Try very sincerely ask her what you can do that can help. She will tell you to lift the restrictions and tell her you can't do that right away, but perhaps if she "does as expected" may be you will consider reducing the time. A friend of mine once said "Thirteen. Stuipid Genes" Kids seem to forget everthing you ever taught them and you turn stupid. To a degree it is what they need to do to become thier own person. Past too many more specifics, I offer this. Stay in her world, show up 15 minutes before she expects you if you are picking her up, and make her aware you are never more that 15 minutes from being in her face. Also, go back to when she was five and reward her with good behavior. You don't have to back off on your rules but there is nothing that says you can't present her with a gift certificate to the movies or a little something like a CD. Anything that might let her know that even though you may not like "who she is at the moment" you recognize and are aware of who she is.
BTW, my 26 year old now has two girls of her own and I think about a year and a half ago she said thanks for not giving up and coming to get me out of bad situations. There is hope. Keep trying. They are worth it.
M. T.

I also have a 13 year old and find this site primarily for parents of young children. Although I have a different set of problems with mine, I hear this from other parents. First of all I try and be in my daughter's life daily. We take her to sports, guitar, piano, and drama. Drama for this age group is very effective. My daughter has an opportunity to be involved away from school and act out with her peers!!!
The girls are currently writing a play and this is an exciting time for them. My daughter has learning disabilities and most parents would be horrified over these problems but we just took her out of school, which was the greatest move for us, and my daughter has blossomed. I know the kids she runs with and I know their parents. I encourage her to invite them over and I host sleepovers, dinners, whatever it takes. I take her swimming at parks and keep her busy regarless of my exhaustion!! Sometimes I have 10 kids here between my 2 and their freinds. I AM IN HER LIFE AND KNOW HER EVERY MOVE, EVEN THOUGH IT DOESN'T SEEM THAT WAY. There will always be drugs and sex. You have to speak to your kids candidly. I tell them the way it is. I have been there and although I am not 100% disclosing everything, I have been honest. They will have sex, just teach safe sex and honoring her body. There are wonderful books also available and you can talk to her school counselor...
For drugs, it is tough out there. We didn't have the same "grades" of drugs as they do now. It's scary and you have to snoop if necessary and do whatever it takes to keep her clean and sober. My mantra to young Moms is....little kids, little problems.

Make sure you get to know the Moms of the other girls. This is the age when friends are their life and they want to fit in. Limit myspace and cell phone and do more family time or be the Mom that takes the girls to mall and movies (supervised). Very difficult situation. If you found that talk on the notes it may be happening and that is such an early age.

I was at one time that girl your talking about...the child acting out...the best advice i can give you as someone whos been the "bad child"

Get your child in counseling...take away all her privleges...you've heard of tough love...NOW USE IT....if none of that works....there is a place called Project PATCH...

By the time i was 17..my life was headed to where i would've either been dead or in prision by the time i was 20yrs old.

Project PATCH ...LITERALLY saved my life...and my relationship with my mom...
I would SERIOUSLY suggest checking out the place...if you need any one to talk to ...my email address is

____@____.com

The web site for Project PATCH is.. http://www.projectpatch.org/

I have not been in your shoes so... take my advise for what it is.

It sounds like, your rules of keeping her so close, is pushing her away. Remember when you were 13. You were just figuring out what this world had in it. Your friends were super important and our parents did not know anything. I am not saying to open the door wide open, but maybe give her a window that she can discover who SHE IS!

Allow her to feel like she can go out and see, and then feel comfortable enough that she can talk with you about what see saw... without being judged.

As far as keeping away from drugs and sex... just turn on Jerry Springer... let her see what a mess those peoples lives are... then reminder her how easy her life is with out all that drama.

Then... PRAY like never before. Check out "The Power of a Praying Parent." Great read.

Hope this helped.

J.

Hi M.,

First things first: Breathe.

You sound very stressed in your request. In order to really "get" what's going on with your daughter, you first have to find your center, and then reach out to her from that place.

I know that most of the previous commentors have assumed that your daughter is, in fact, having sex and doing drugs. And she might be. But on the other hand, she may have a problem with lying - to you and to her friends. You can't know yet, and it may be hard to get a full account until she is much older.

After you've found your center, it's time to sit down and have a long talk with your daughter. I can't walk you through that process here - I don't know enough about your situation and it's too much to go into in this format anyway. But I would be happy to walk you through the process of opening up your conversation with your daughter over the phone or in person.

Know that this is the hardest part of adolescence - and that this too shall pass.

And once more for good measure: Breathe.

K. Rayne, Ph.D.
www.karenrayne.com
____@____.com

Part of the problem could be the move away from her former friends and school. There haave to be rules and she must understand that. Sometimes they get into the wrong crowd and make bad choices. Incourage her to bring her friends home so you can meet them, but don't hover. Help her make better choices in her friends. Good luck and stay strong. Tell dad that there are rules and he will help you follow them or he will be limited to his contact.

Hi M., I wonder how your daughter is doing nowadays...now that she is...20?? I wonder because I have experienced very similar problems with my daughter since she was about 12 or 13. She was very angry at us (mom and dad). What I didn't know then was that anger is a part of depression; a very large portion. Also, when a father-daughter relationship experiences negative, it can have adverse affect of the child. Our daughter has had to deal with a lot since she was 11 from our son having cancer at the age of 4 months, plus leukemia years later, etc, etc,. She is almost 12 years older than our son. She is now 20 and has seemed to have misplace her morals, standards and everything else. To make it worse, she is using the system to "back her up" so she doesn't have to live by any rules...ie: not living at home...in a voluntary mental illness setting. SCARY!! Bottom line...we should have not only had her on anti-depressants earlier but when she was on them, we should have made sure she took them regularly so they would work. Unfortunately we did not and now we/she is paying the price. Because she is numerically 20, we are not allowed to know anything about her. It's terrible. I could go on and on, but I'd rather hear how your daughter ended up; or rather how you ended up dealing with the situation. When we were little we weren't stuck in the house on a computer. Kids today are isolated (pretty much) due to our technology. It's a catch 22. Would love to hear how you made out. Take care, Warmest Regards,

Okay,
This is really serious! I have to say I have a 7 year old and my biggest fear is that she does the same things I did growing up. Your daughter is doing every thing I did when I was 13. I don't know how my mom did it. But looking back at my life I realize there are so many situations I put myself into that I could have been dead. Stay tough, but never let her doubt for a second that you love her. Some times you can be so caught up in tough love that its probably necessary to pull back from the fight and remind her that you love her so much.
Oh and put her on birth control. Don't worry that she is just 13.My sister insured her 15yr old daughters birth control by getting her the shot. I'm not the Christian type but I must admit there are some good churches out there who have info on support groups. Parents with troubled teens. Or Al anon.
With summer just around the corner you should prepare yourself and your family, she will have nothing to do but to get into trouble. Plan for some summer family events. Camping vacationing. Maybe even teen camps at the ymca. Anything to keep her busy and out of trouble.
But most importantly encourage positive rewards. Sometimes I get so caught up in the negative with my daughter that I can over look when she has done something good. Then she sees that she doesn't even get any type of reward or even a pat on the back. Then she thinks, why bother.
I don't know if any of this is going to help. I feel your desperation. I'm 30 years old and have been in and out of prisons rehabs and on and off meds all of my teen years and some of my adult life. For what its worth, I made it through and live a very fulfilling life. I wish I could redo it all over again. Id give anything to go back to High school and attend my Senior prom. But it is what it is, and if I could help prevent some one from doing the childish thing I have done, then it would be worth all the pain I went through, just to be able to tell them, "I have already done all this, and your making a big mistake." Please keep in touch and let me know if there is anything I can do to help.
T., Austin Tx

Tell her she can't have a boyfriend at all! It makes things a lot worse!

Hi M.,

My heart goes out to you right now...Our family experienced something similiar about 4-5 years ago with our oldest son. First of all I would like to encourage you to listen to all those little "mama" signals that are telling you something is terribly wrong. Second, seek out counseling for your daughter!!! When our oldest started acting out much like your daughter. We thought, its just a stage, hormones, change in school, etc... but we could work it out. Boy were we wrong! Things just kept escalating no matter what we did. Finally we sought out counseling. We found a wonderful family counselor who held the same values we held (We used the Timothy Center in north Austin). He encouraged as parents but most importantly he was able to reach our son. He didn't tell our son anything we hadn't taught him already but he was just able to soothe the situation and work with our son on deeper level that we as parents couldn't do at that time. The counselor worked with both my husband and myself and kept us fully informed of what was going on and how we needed to handle different situations that might come up with our son. Long story short...today, we have a close relationship to our son who will soon be 20! So I would really like to encourage you to find a good (female) counselor for your daughter and your family. As I have explained to many other parents who have battled similiar situations...seeking out a good counselor is no different than taking your child to the doctor when he/she has an earache.
Believing,
C., mom to 3 boys, 14,16, 19

Please, please, please seek out professional help for her! Even though she denies doing drugs, etc., you need to have a drug screening done and probably have her tested for STD's. I know that may sound extreme, but you may just save your daughter by doing so.

You are doing the right things, you care, you're watching, you're asking for help and advice, you're taking an active part in her life and trying to help. Prayer will help. Asking others to pray for you will help. Take advice carefully, you know your daughter and family best. Besides what you have already done, you might try some distractions. Limit contact with friends- computer and phone, but don't leave her bored and lonely. Plan some girl time- things she likes to do or you like to do together. Plan family activities, so she doesn't have that time to spend with friends. Find ways to pull her focus away from herself, volunteering together at a clothes closet or food bank, helping an elderly person. Doing things for others can really make a child feel better about themselves and doing it together can change their opinion of you. Try to make it a privilege to help out, not a punishment. It seems kids change in the wrong direction quickly, but it takes much more time to get back on the right path, be patient. Praying for you.

I feel for you, my 13 yr old hasn't gone as far as yours but has been my boundry pusher since the day she was born. She was in a click at school that sounds like your daughter's and was getting way out of hand.

Our experience has been that she tests each boundry or rule so completely that we make rules just for her to push against. Sounds weird, but if she's busy trying to get past a simple 9:00 bedtime then she's busy focusing on trying to get past a 9:00 bedtime and not running amuck in another area that are more serious or harmful. We also plan when to let her get her way so she satisfies the feeling of getting her way or feeling in control. This idea was my husbands, he admits to being a disruption growing up so I guess it's in the genes.

I have 17 neices and nephews, almost all grown now and some more successful than others. The ones that acted like your daughter say that consistancy and rules with consequences are important-so you're on the right track. It sounds like you're consistant and she can always count on you to follow through with your word. Just make sure you follow through on rewards and positive situations too. The n&n say that's as important as consequesnces for bad behavior.

Something that has worked for my dd, if she won't listen to you or your husband let her listen to other people who say what you want to say. Take her to the shelters and have her help out on a project so she can see where her decisions can take her. Really put her in a situation where she can feel how it will be if she continues with this direction of decisions and ask her what concerns or questions she may have about it, and let her be with you when you ask the counselers there or the other volunteers.

I think she started all this to show how upset she is about moving but it's gotten out of her control and she doesn't know how to stop it.

Another possibility is to change schools in order to change her new set of friends. That sounds drastic, but it worked for us. It was amazing to watch peer pressure not in action when you remove bad peer pressure. It also gives the child the excuse not to participate in activities they may not really want to be a part of deep down.

Do you go to church? It's hard to force a kid to lean towards better groups with better behaviors but if they can make just one friend to hang with in a differnt type of environment ti can make a difference.

The other thing we do is really reward for the little good things and focus on the good ahead that she will be doing(at least we hope and try to facilitate). We realized we weren't letting go of the bad behavior even after she had and really had to retrain our behaviors to treat her as positively as her sisters.

I don't know if any of this will help but I'm pulling for you and remember to take care of yourself, this can be soooo wearing!

I agree with a lot of the other responses. YOu have to know where your daughter is, and who she is hanging out with AT ALL TIMES. Get involved. Talk to her friends' parents, her teachers, her coaches, counselor at school, anyone that you can think of.

Also, most kids have sex, do drugs, hang out with the wrong crowd for a reason. There is something that you have missed, and don't feel guilty it happens to the best of us, but there are signs that are needing your attention.

Hope that helps

K. Haynes
The MOM Team
Moms helping Others Work From Home
www.mykidsaremyeverything.com

Hi M.! I don't have teenage girls, but one of my tween boys has behavior issues (ADHD/Bi-Polar). We see the most wonderful counselor that has really helped with repairing the family relationships destroyed by my son's behavior. We had stripped so many of his privileges that he felt it was a no-win situation and there was no way out...he might as well be nasty, as it made no difference. If you could get your daughter on the upswing to experience success in earning her privileges back, then maybe she would be encouraged to get more. It is EXTREMELY hard, believe me! However, letting them taste a little success will be well worth it. Find little things that she does positively. With my 10yo, we started out rewarding minor things that you should expect a 4-5yo to do, but it worked. Once he saw that I wasn't the monster that NEVER gave him anything, he worked hard to earn back small things. And we were where you were...totally stripped his room down to nothing. He had to earn even his bed back. (He was stealing things and stuffing them under his bed). Good luck! Please let me know if you'd like more info or a referral to the counselor.

I wish you patience. I have a 10yr old stepson, 13yr old and 14 yr old daughters. Calgon Take Me Away!. It gets better. I went through this last year and I am sure i will do it again. No matter how upset we are at each other we have our best discussions on the back porch. Guess what...sometimes we don't even speak. It will happen. My daughter has lost her door, too. She got it back when she figured out that mom is not crazy and will always be there no matter what( and alot of chores). Friends will come and go. Be brave. Get a bottle of wine and hide in the back yard for a while or in the tub. Take a deep breath. I am still learning as they grow.

I wish you patience and good luck.

Kimberly L.

Wow, it sounds like me and most of my friends. What my mom did was take me for a pedicure and lunch... and talked about the 'mistakes' that she made when she was a teen. The honesty let me see her as a human being and a women. My father died when I was 2 and she raised 3 children on her own. Once my mother was sincere and spoke to me as the adult I thought I was, we opened up a dialog that helped us get really close. She was always a parent, DO NOT become a friend. I continued to rebel through high school and when I didn't get accepted into various colleges (while my friends did) I grew up, went to a junior college for a year, ect. I now have a masters degree and a fantastic family of my own.

Ok, mom....calm down! I'm 29 soon to be 30. When I was your daughters age the same thing happened to me. I was doing great at in school. Had gone there my entire life and then BAM, we had to move! I did ALL of the things that you are saying that your daughter is doing. Difference is my dad died when I was 5. My mom had 8 children to take care of and there was no stepdad, she still a widow. I didn't realize what was going on with me while it was going on, but I do now. Problem is she really wants her dad, but there is stability with you. She wants her dad to take her and love her "as all dads do" (or so she thinks!). I got into fights, skipped school, started failing, stealing. I didn't care, I did it ALL. She may also be dealing with issues with other girls. When I moved the other girls didn't like me. I didn't want to be at the new school anyway, so I didn't care to socialize with anyone. But it's harder when those same people are messing with you. My mom didn't understand me or the things that I was dealing with, so as a typical mom......she fussed and punished. Which caused me to rebel even more. Whatever you do, don't "beat her down." Just love her, get inside of her mind and see what is really going on. She is dealing with issues, but doesn't know how to express them. Talk to her, let her know that you're there. And get your husband in on it. Spend a day alone with just her and see what happens!