I Need All the Advice I Can Get...

I have to agree with everyone else. Sadly, about 50% of girls are molested... it is usually by a close relative, sibling or neighbor.

She is learning these things somehow and at this point, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, so long as appropriate action is taken, she is taken to a child therapist who can help her and see if there is foul play involved.

Run to a counsellor now. This is way to complex for advice here. There are so many parts of it that are wrong and you are right to feel she was wronged.

Go get help for her and you go too so you can understand it all better and help her too.

Oh my goodness! I am shocked that so many people have been brainwashed to think that children who refer to sex or touch their bodies have been molested!

Babies touch their "private parts"! It is perfectly normal for people to explore their bodies with touch and otherwise. Young children are curious about their bodies and the differences between boy bodies and girl bodies. It becomes nasty and dirty when adults overlay their adult ideas over completely normal behavior.

Four year olds what to have babies and even say that they have babies growing in them whether they are boys or girls. Some boys are going to grow up to be girls and some girls are going to be boys when they grow up. They're going to marry their mother or father, grandparent, cousin, sibling, etc.

When I was about five or six the older boy next door took me aside and told me that if I pulled down my pants and showed him, he'd do the same. I wasn't interested. I went home and told my mother. I had two brothers. We were all born within four years. We took baths together until about the time I started school. One time the younger of my brothers streaked through the backyards buck naked with my mom in pursuit. I saw this from across the street with my friends. Nothing demonic here! He didn't want to take a bath, so he escaped.

Get a grip, folks! Go to the public library and get a book on child development. A classic is The Magic Years. Read about how normal children look and behave. There are children out there who are being molested. Don't trivialize true sexual molestation or the feelings of those molested children.

Children of four do not learn to lie as much as they have not yet learned the difference between truth and fiction.

In the early 1980's, there was a family in California who ran a day care center who was accused of molesting the children in their care. The McMartins' lives and livelihoods were trashed. Child psychologists came in and examined the children. Almost 30 years later, it has finally come out that there was no molestation that occurred. The children were unwittingly and unknowingly being coached in their testimony by the interviewers, something that is not uncommon with trial proceedings and especially when young,impressionable children are involved.

Give yourselves a break and don't create a problem where none exists. If you truly believe that something inappropriate is going on, do get the situation checked out by a competent professional.

Yikes. Too many people going in different directions. No wonder you are stressed. It's really important for parents to get on the same page and you will never do it unless you can figure out a way to talk to the father (not the stepmother). You might want to look at childreninthemiddle.com at their co-parenting services. Getting the father on board may be difficult but then, maybe you can approach it from a "we need to address this earlier than later". I am a family lawyer and cannot express to you how important it is to make the necessary sacrifices to try and start co-parenting and communicating as soon as you can. It may seem impossible, and sometimes it is but the sacrifice to try is what moms like you do. Let me know if I can brainstorm or assist you further in any way. I will be glad to give you more ideas so just give my office a call if you want, gratis, to set a time to talk with me. I wish you the best - there is nothing more difficult than single parenting. J. D. ###-###-####

I did not read the rest of the posts and hate to be negative but it sounds like your daughter is being sexually abused by someone close to her. Are there any other influenses in her life right now besides the dad and in laws. It is extremely rare for a 4 year old to be having these thoughts and deeds unless they are involved in an exchange with someone she knows or trusts.

T.,

My heart is breaking for you right now, because I know this is difficult. This is definitely something that a professional counselor should be helping you with. I don't know exactly what to say about the touching. My kids are curious about their parts, and we do talk about the differences and that they are private. But this seems like something more, especially for her to be so harshly punished for something that may be out of her control...especially for her age.

Plus, it is probably breaking your baby's heart that her friend "killed" himself. What a terribly sad way for any friend to leave us- real or imaginary.

I am praying for you, as I know a lot of Mamas here are doing, too. Our hearts are with you, dear.

Dear T. S,

I've already said a prayer for you and your precious sounding daughter! I suggest that you take her (with or without Chachi!) to see a counselor. Maybe something is going on in her life that she only feels comfortable sharing with Chachi. Hopefully, a trained counselor can get her to open up. Maybe the counselor can also suggest a way for the adults in your daughter's life to come to an agreement on how to and when to disipline your children.

Deb D

T.,
I highly recommend you get the child to her pediatrician and let them him or her know about this and have her examined. This sounds very serious. Also, it sounds to me like she needs to be in counseling immediately. ( I suggest a Christian counselor.)
Do not let this go any further. This immediately sent up red flags to me. It is definitely possible that she is being abused. What her dad and stepmom are doing is totally inappropriate. Spanking and time out is the worst thing they could possibly have done. She has done nothing wrong; she is just a baby.
Please, please get her to her doctor today; I would not wait another second.
I definitely have a feeling that "chachi" is not imaginary and that he may be very very real. Please update and let us know what happens. Do anything you have to do to protect her. If you don't, no one else will.

Ask your pediatrician for a referral to a counselor!!!!

That sounds way to complicated and mature for any of us to try to help you with.

A professional seems like the right way to go on that. If anything make an appointment with her pediatrician and see what he/she has to say about it.

Good luck!

WOW. I agree with the other that your daughter might be getting sexually molested. I can only imagine how extremely difficult that is to swallow, but that's what it seems like to me. Molesters are extremely smart. They tell the victim that if they tell anyone about it, they will hurt their sister, brother, friend, mom, whomever. Your four year old daughter probably won't tell you about it out of fear. I hate to say it, but is it possible her dad could be molesting her? If you are confident it's not her dad, is there an uncle who lives nearby? What about an older half or step brother? I think you should ask your daughter, "When Chachi was alive, who did he want you to have sex with?" Really try to get it out of her. Pretend like you know, and that it is okay for her to tell you, that nothing bad will happen if she tells you! If she still won't tell you, maybe she isn't getting molested. Whatever the case, something is extremely wrong and she should go to counseling. So should you and your ex (if he is willing to go with you).

Also, share your suspicions with your ex. Tell him you think your daughter might be getting molested and see how he reacts. If he is instantly on the defensive, that is a HUGE RED FLAG. If he says something like, "Molested? Molested? What? You are crazy!" If he gets angry like that, it means he is guilty!! Study and memorize his response, and tell a therapist how he reacted. Do not take this situation lightly. Some very serious foul play is probably going on here.

I wish you can sneak a "nanny cam" in your ex's home, but I know that's illegal! Then you'd get to the bottom of it. However, I think your ex's response will really say it all b/c you will catch him off guard. Oh yeah - confront him IN PERSON - not over the phone or in email. It is very important for you to see his response with your own eyes. I know - the next time your ex comes over to pick up your daughter, ask him in your home and have a nanny cam! It's not illegal if it's in your house! Get his reaction/response on tape and show it to a professional. That would be ideal. Best of luck!!

Wow...I would consult with a good child psychologist for advice on this. That way, you have a third party, professional opinion to share with your ex. Make him share the cost and agree that both sides will honor whatever the psychologist has to say about it.

The sexuality part of your story seems fairly innocent to me but having Chachi commit suicide as a solution to all of this is a little disturbing.

Good luck!

M.

I am a mother of two and a grandmother of 3---my daughter had two imginary friends ---- we used to include them at the table and give them blankets on vacations--and one of my granddaughters has a stuffed dog that goes everywhere with her and has real personality traits and even does tricks---however we never had any issues such as you have mentioned with "imaginary" friends! I have had to deal with similar questions (sexual in nature) from seeing something on TV or even in advertising on TV---those I could trace to the source pretty easy! The things you little girl is saying and doing have to be coming from SOME SOURCE---this source sounds very harmful to me and I (if it were me in your situation) would discuss this with my family physician--who will probably refer you to a child psycologist---which is a good thing--you need to get the the basis for these issues and thought----sex and suicide are not ordinary thought processes for a four year old and it needs to be handled before any thing escalates--do not misunderatand--seeing your doctor is a positive step for your daughter---it is NOT negative for her or any negative reflection on your mothering skills---use the resources available to get this problem onver and done with---you may have to include your ex in these discussions--(sounds like you both need to get on the same page with parenting anyway--even divorced parents need to be in agreement on raising their children--that will provide an incredible sense of continuity and security to the children when they are at the different homes)---that would be your doctor's call!! And--pray---God gives great direction!

Single parents need to be very careful what their children hear and see. It could be tv and they hear even if not see it. It could be a boyfriend who is affectionate. But I know that even my babies fondle themselves while changing their diapers. I have a 5 yr old in my day care that is very sexually aware and I believe it is his mom. She has come with hickies all over her. He has seen something. We have to arm our children very youung these days. They tell day care providers to just ignore it. Years ago I took three girls to a Girl Scout deal that was to teach them about their bodies. I wish I had not. They came home and were experimenting and touching themselves. It is not wise for our children to know know and learn it from others. I do not agree with the spanking. Every opportunity we have and every day lends to it is a teaching. We have that opportunity to teach right from wrong. If she asked Daddy for sex she needs to be told that daddys do not have sex with their daughters ever. That she should not be concerned with sex either. Sex is a grow up thing but between adults that love each other. Daddys and mommys have a different special love for their children. Sex is not part of that relationship. So much they all could have said to comfort her and teach. Giving up her pretend friend I think is wrong. She is using it to express feelings that maybe she is confused about and without it maybe she will not express them as well. It will go away and it is normal. I have not experienced my children having one but I have heard it is normal. Let her express what she feels and what questions she has about sex. It is not a nasty thing it is part of our beings as humans. It is an expression of love and we are complete when we have that soul mate. You do not want her to think it is dirty. She could take that spanking as that. Looks like they spanked her because they were horrified. They did not know how or were prepared to deal with a child that young with these things and most of are not. But she should not get the message that if she talks about sex she will get a spanking. You want that open communication as far open as it will go. She should be allowed to talk about it. She also is old enough to understand that that is private conversation only to talk to you about. Other children do not need to know because their parents will talk to them about it. Handle it with love and let her respect you for giving her the answers she wants. Only tell her enough to satisfy her curiousity. She will come more and more to you with these questions. These learnings do not just well she is a teen lets talk. It is years of communication a little at a time to build trust and conversations. Let it be comforting to her to know she can come to you and not her friends. G. W

OH, dear, T.! I am coming from a distinctive Christian perspective, and what you describe is extremely disturbing. Chachi seems to be an evil influence on your daughter, stealing her innocence and causing her a lot of mental (and probably emotional) anguish. So while I'm glad to see that Chachi is no longer around, it is very troubling that his "killing himself" seems to be an acceptable way to solve problems. But then "making" a new friend seems as insidious as Chachi was. Your little girl should NEVER be uncomfortable telling you ANYTHING! Her severe punishment only breeds confusion and shame, and now she has to deal with being "shameful" and being afraid to tell you what her "new friend" tells her.

Although I am suggestion that this might be more a spiritual problem, I am not in any way advocating the thought that your precious daughter is "demon-possessed."

I would ask for help from a clergyman that you trust. If you aren't a church-goer, maybe a friend of yours is and could arrange for you to see someone from her own church.

Your daughter may need counseling, and if you can find a Christian counselor, you will have more success with spiritual matters, as secular counselors do not recognize a spiritual realm.

I pray that God will bless you.

suziwollman

In my humble opinion, there is something very wrong going on here. I would immediately seek advice, starting with your four-year-old's pediatrition.

I TOTALLY AGREE WITH THE THERAPY SUGGESTIONS, however
I don't think that touching her own body is necessarily wrong, I am single with 3 boys and 1 girl, 2 of my boys play with it all the time and 1 doesn't and my girl is now getting curious about hers and wants to look and see with a mirror. All fairly normal. What is a little disturbing is the fact that your little girl talks about sex. I have heard that bi-polar kids have an advanced knowledge of sex, but I a professional would know more. I also have a friend with a 4 year old girl that actually masterbates herself to sleep and has been doing this since she was a young toddler. She sees a counselor and I guess this isn't uncommon either, she says she has to inform the daycares that this is how she puts herself to sleep (for nap time)and appearantly they have several girls that do this and it was not shocking for them to hear.
Seek professional help and let them guide you through what is normal and what is not. You need to keep the dad informed as well so you both can co-parent your daughter and not get into the blame game because this not ever helpful. (I also think the step-mother should butt out as much as possible)
God Bless,
J.

Read Bondage Breakers by Neil Anderson. It addresses the issue of imaginary friends.

Dear T.,
Not to alarm you, but the first thing I thought of when
I heard that your 4 yr old said she wanted to have sex while
at her dad's house, was HAS YOUR HUSBAND BEEN BEHAVING INAPPROPRIATELY TO YOUR CHILD. I sincerely hope I'm wrong, however, you can never be too careful when it comes to the protection & welfare of your babies!! I also found it curious
that although your child is a girl, her imaginary friend Chachi, was a boy. My suggestion to you is to get some professional counseling...I realize that you are a single mother and finances may be an issue. There are many counseling services out there that offer professional help on a sliding scale. (You could also call United Way & see if they offer any counseling.) At the very least, I would immediately
seek counseling from your pastor/priest or if you are not a member anywhere, it's possible that a local church in your area would offer pastoral counseling if you call & check.
Also, if your daughter is enrolled in a public school for kindergarten next year, definitely talk to the school counselor & get some help. If your 4 yr old is not in school yet, I'd still talk to the counselor at your older daughter's school because the situation may be affecting her as well!! I
don't want to cause you any unnecessary concern, however, at
the very least, you may be able to rule out that your husband
isn't doing/watching anything inappropriate with or in front of
your child...It's of the utmost importance that you find out
where your 4 yr old found out about "having sex." There's no
way she would know about that on her own. Until then, I would
do everything in my power to keep her away from your ex.
You'll be in my prayers.
C.

It seems as if grandma and dad and step-mom really overreacted to this situation. Instead of affirming the child, they punished her for normal curiosity and a desire to know the world better. She probably just blurted something that she'd heard on tv out loud to see what would happen, but she's sure never going to do that again! which is sad, because they lost the chance to ask where she's heard it or what she thought it meant, etc. and lost the opportunity to pass on good values and love and understanding in a confusing world. But you get to do that. And the fact that she admitted to you that they killed Chachi means she trusts you. Poor baby. I would be furious too. And you should say, that when she's big she can have sex, because it's most likely true! Sounds like she's just ready for the simplest of all birds and bees talk. Just the basics without any details. But yeah, there are plenty of good books that talk about how to discuss this with children. Poor Chachi too. My goodness--such a cruel way to get rid of an imaginary friend. Maybe she can make a new one! Or a doll or something that she can talk to. It's true that if you have a good pediatrician, they can give you good advice. I'd try the family dr. before heading to a counselor. They can probably give you some good advice. The main thing is that your daughter not leave this situation thinking that she is in some way "bad"--everything so far sounds normal. Sounds like all the grown-ups went a little crazy. Good luck!

I agree with Tracie. Take her to counseling. My daughter had an imaginary friend but "George" was just a buddy to talk to.
And as far as Grandma is concerned, you DO have a say in what goes on over there, and if they won't listen, don't take her there. Your daughter should'nt have been treated that way.

T., I don't want to alarm you but when my son started making comments about sex and body parts that I knew i didn't teach him about I figured it was school. I didn't ask enough questions.He was being molested by a 14 year old kid next door that he played with almost every day. It was also happening to another boy across the street. My son also had an imaginary friend at this time and I learned that's their outlet.When he finally broke down and told me he still didn't tell me everything. It took months of therapy before it all came out and the psycologist told me. 4 year olds don't know what sex is nor do they know to touch themselves. My hunch is she has been touched or worse already. please let me know if you want the name of the child psycologist we use, she is wonderful and is now a family friend. She is at Riverside Dr. and 121 in Ft Worth. Good luck.

I feel sad just reading this. My almost 4-year-old makes up imaginary friends all the time. Sometimes she pretends that characters from the TV shows she watches come over to the house. (Super Why, Veggie Tales Bob and Larry) Sometimes it has been an imaginary, non-real person.

Also at this age, they do learn to lie. I saw a show (20/20 or something like that). Kids must learn to lie to ultimately learn to show sympathy. Perhaps her imaginary friend is her way of trying to learn how to tell not truths...i.e. blame the friend for no no's. I know I did this as a preschooler. -- I don't agree with getting rid of the friend either.

I would encourage you to talk openly with your child about her friends (of all kinds), her body and sex. Of course, limiting it to simple, short comments that are appropriate for her age. It is always better to be able to talk about things and at least know what's on their mind, than to shut it down and not know. Our children are smarter than we give them credit for sometimes, but they lack the knowledge and experience to know how to express themselves and work out problems.

I am not a single mom, so I can't help you with what to do about the dad and step mom situation, except PRAY. When things are out of my control. I find that helps.

OK - I just read some of the other comments and I agree there are lots of things that don't sound right or good. Maybe that's why I got that sad feeling. -- And I'm not saying that your daughter is not telling the truth. That was simply an explanation of why she might have an imaginary friend. It could also be a way of coping with the divorce or the separation from you when she's away from home...either home...

There is a lot going on here. Really more than I can address. I'm sorry my answer is confusing.

I agree with the others. Better safe than sorry. Speak with a counselor asap. God Bless.

T. - I agree with the other posts. She needs to get into a special counselor to make sure that nothing inappropriate has happened to her. The fact that she's heard words (and seems to understand them) like "sex" and "killed himself" is really scary. I also second the motion that you have a say in what Grandma does. If you can afford it, get her in another childcare. I'm sure she's well-meaning, but it sounds like it's detrimental. My prays will be with you - this has got to be just tearing you up. Best wishes and remember to go with your instincts. You are her mother and you know her better than anyone in the world...and you will make the best decisions.