Yep..my title is true. My 6 year old son said this to me the other day. When I asked him why he said that he said that is what his dad says to his live in girlfriend. I explained to him that is not appropriate and by calling someone a B**ch that you are not conveying that you love them. That it is not okay to call a girl that. He apologized and said he didn't know.
I'm so sad though. I'm not in a relationship and so my son is getting the image of a relationship from them. His dad thinks women are property and this is how he talks to them. I'm sure there is slim to nothing on things I can do to get him to change. Ahh the mysteries of why's he's my ex husband. lol
So.... how to I teach my son to grow up and be a good man who doesn't talk to his women like this or view them as property? How do I convey that his dad's choices are wrong w/out belittling his dad. (I'm very careful to not badmouth his dad to him.) I just have this image of my son growing up to behave just like his dad and that breaks my heart. Any ideas how to model a healthy relationship as a single woman? If you need any additional info please let me know.
Thank you Mamas (and Papas). I appreicate all your words of wisdom as always.
Didn't Jay-Z publicly re-think his policy on the use of that term when his daughter was born? I don't remember which supermarket aisle magazine I read that in. Sorry :-)
But I remember reading his public announcement came in the form of a poem or rap. That might be good to look up.
Ugh. That's awful. You can do it absolutely without badmouthing dad. Just go over your values and so on. And you can even go on "dates" with your son, and have him practice being a gentleman, holding the door for you, pulling your chair out, etc.
I'm sure you can avoid him having this type of behavior as a grownup.
What a prick.
The son does not have to grow up like the father. You can model to him how women are to be treated by not allowing yourself to be treated poorly when you date. You can teach him to open doors and respect women. You are a much bigger influence in his life than his dad. Point to toher male role models too, like grandad, uncle, etc
Just make sure that the men in YOUR life treat you the way you would want your son to treat women. He will SEE this.... and will learn to know the difference when he becomes of age.
Remember never to say to your son "You are acting just like your father" when he does something negative, as that will be like a compliment to him and he will continue that behavior. Always focus on the good traits that he may have received from his Dad, never on the negative traits.
what a tough situation to be in.
I think you did just fine in correcting your son. I don't know how I would handle it if my boys said that to me (I wonder how many flies would get in my mouth before I was able to close it!! LOL!!)
Check into Boys Club of America - someplace where your son can get a positive male role model. Just because you aren't dating doesn't mean that he can't experience what a real man should do and treat girls.
It might help if your ex-husband would take some parenting classes and maybe even if you guys could go to joint/family counseling so that he can hear from someone else the err of his ways. Is this something he is open to?
Continue to be a role model yourself. Keep displaying the behavior you want and expect from him. Correct nicely when he brings home bad behavior from his dad.
Have you looked into Boy Scouts? Maybe seeing some of the men there as role models can help as well.
I think explaining to him the definition (not the female dog definition) would help as well. But I think you handle this very well. Do you have a brother who is in a relationship? What about grandpa?
There have been a lot of things where the sks came home (SD in particular) with one POV and we had to offer another. I think you did right to tell him to be respectful of you and that was not appropriate. He didn't know. I think there will be more times when you will have to talk to him about your values and walk the fine line of correcting him without totally bashing his father. My sks started to see things more for themselves when they were 11ish and then again around 14 and 17. Give him the tools to evaluate his world and make the right decisions. Even if you never remarry, your relationships with other people will show him your example and teach him how you want to be treated/treat others.
My best girlfriend and I refer to each other as "B***h" as do my daughter and I. For us, it IS, in fact, a way of expressing affection. We're all very strong-willed, opinionated women, which, in many people's view, equates to being a b***h. We wear our b***h badges with pride.
ETA: A friend of mine uses it as an acronym for
Babe
In
Total
Control of
Herself
That said, there is no reason you can't simply tell your son that, while his dad may use that word at his house, you don't like it, and he isn't allowed to use it at yours.
How awful! Sorry you are dealing with this, but I have to give you some mommy props! Your post says nothing about getting back at dad or making him be better, you are just focusing on what you can do for your son without badmouthing dad, way to go mom.
I love the idea posted about going on 'dates'. Or just when you are out with your son, letting him know which things he does that are good and then encouraging him about things he doesn't already know. You are definitely the first line of defense here, so you will be the majority of the influence. And then find little examples all over- tv, movies, uncles, neighbors. Any positive male influence or example should be pointed out. This way, dad begins to be pale in comparison.
In psychology, the saying is this- from the same sex parent you learn WHO to be, from the opposite sex parent you learn HOW to be with others. Keeping that in mind may help guide you. Oh, I forgot to add library books, always good to find positivity in there! Good luck!
I think your son needs to see women being treated right by men who care just as a person not even a date or husband. I don't know if you go to church or not but maybe you could find a man who loves his wife to include your son in his life some to see an example of how to do it. You could invite them over or get to know couples who do care about the opposite sex. I think he needs to see it from a man interacting with a woman on many levels. Not sure how that will happen but I know it can. If he has to be around his dad he could be around the right actions from another man and he will see the difference.
Sounds like you already know what you are doing. It's good not to bad mouth the dad in front of your son.
However, I would talk to a counselor or attorney, the court can order parenting and/or anger management classes for your former husband. The court can stipulate no cursing (i.e. no more I love you B and more), no bad mouthing the other parent and in some cases no smoking, drug or alcohol consumption when the child is present.
Keep in mind if your former husband sees any short comings in your parenting skills, he can ask the court for the same stipulations.
Keep us posted.
Blessings......
It takes a village to raise children where are the other male role models in your son's village. Where are you male friends? Yes what he sees will impact him too but you can add some positive input into his world by expanding your circles. My son and nephews were exposed to many loving and appropriate visions of relationship through my married friends, church family and other family members. He has also seen what not to do too. Ultimately he will choose the kind of person he wants to be and deal with the consequences of his choices.
I agree with grandma t, make sure your male relationships reflect your wishes for the man you want your son to become and that's the best you can do.
My son has grown up to be very much a gentleman in spite of his father's "expertise" in women. I just made sure to have lots of good men in his life who were devoted and respectful to their wives and families. He's had some really good role models. He could see for himself that there was a difference between his dad and the happily married men he knew. I didn't have to say much of anything.
My daughter, who is 10 years older, was involved in an abusive relationship and my son was like...."Get away from him! If he cared about you, he would NEVER treat you like that"! My son was 9 at the time.
Your son will be okay. Be a strong and loving mama who expects respect from your son. Have him around men who are good to the women in their lives. It will work out.
Best wishes.
