I Love My Mother-in-law So Much . . .

Maybe she just needs to vent too sometimes and she feels comfortable doing it with you and SIL. Maybe change the subject when it gets overwhelming for you.

I listen, my mother is the same way, but who was listening to me when i was complaining about my teachers and homework and my first boss...her
But what you might to is tell her that you will call her on a certain day of the week, then do it. try to mentally prepare yourself and limit the time on the phone, i have to call my mother every tuesday at 3 (5 her time) and "talk" for an hour, then i go for a walk with the kids or something with A LOT of movement!
Try to use a phone that you can put a head set on or use your blue tooth, then you don't have to stop life if your out and about or trying to do something in the kitchen. just a few i can think.. good luck

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I mediate..it has helped me very much.

Aging is rough business. When you don't feel good you can become pre-occupied. Just do your best to listen, and when you can, if she will listen, throw in suggestions on being positive. I would suggest just getting good at knowing how to get off the phone. So call and give it 5 minutes, then have somewhere to run, etc....

You are not "responsible" for your MIL's health. If she complains you can just acknowledge that you hear her, NOT commiserate. Commiserating will just fuel the fire. So just be quiet or just acknowledge you heard her. You can make positive suggestions if she is open to that, but if she combats that.......then she really doesn't want to be positive.

Speaking once a week is enough.

Hi A.,

I hear your concerns, and it sounds like you are really trying to be there for your mother in law. I can tell you're worried. Good for you!

Keep in mind, I'm not a doctor, but I've worked in the mental health arena in the past, occasionally with older adults. You didn't mention how old your mil is, but one thing that comes to mind is that perhaps she's at an age where some mental changes can occur. I am in no way saying this is the case with her, as I don't know her, and you haven't provided enough information (not that you should have) for me to be able to tell, but it's just a thought. Perhaps you could offer to go with her the next time she goes to the doctor, and see what she/he thinks. Or, maybe you could let the doctor know ahead of time of your concerns. Primary care doctors are good at dealing with this kind of issue, and are there to support their patients.

As adults get older, we often struggle with issues related to aging, and often there are signs of mental health issues that were not there before. I don't know if this is the case with your mom, but please know there is nothing wrong with asking for help and support from those around you, including her medical team. You don't need to do this alone.

Dawn suggested that you and your husband sit down and talk with her, this is a good idea. Let her know you have some concerns, be non judgemental, and go from there. Be sure to tread lightly, because chances are she may think there is nothing wrong.

You are a wonderful daughter in law to be so thoughtful and so caring. Do take care of yourself too. Blessings to you.

I am in a similar situation with my mother. We used to be very close, but now she is constantly complaining - mostly about my father - who's a really great guy, so it is very annoying to listen to. Here are ways that I've tried to handle it that don't work: I've asked her to stop, I've explained to her that happiness is a choice - blah blah blah, I've tried to change the subject and I've tried ignoring her.

Bottom line is: people who are negative and complain about others are usually very unhappy. I attribute my mother's unhappiness (albeit not overt) to her lack of purpose at this point in her life.

What I do now is pray to have compassion on her - that seems to work the best, but, of course isn't always the easiest thing to do.

Oh, there are so many things that could be going on.

I remember reading an article in Life magazine when i'd graduated from college. It was an interview with C. Everett Coop, former surgeon general, and he was talking about the difference in practicing medicine in the 1940's vs. the 1990's (it was 1998). He said, time was the biggest difference. Before the days of managed care, he had the time to talk to people and find out that their knee pain was really depression from the loss of their spouse, and it was how their body was handling the stress.

To me it sounds very similar - that her complaining is actually something much deeper. Maybe she's lonely, maybe she's scared.

It's easy to get frustrated. God knows my mother drives me completely nuts. But, one day she'll be gone, and you won't have her there to play with your kids, teach you her favorite recipes, etc. It's fair to limit the conversations and make excuses for why you have to cut it short.

Everything in life is relative to our perspectives. I always answer the phone with "hi, how are you?" usually, 20 minutes later someone finally asks me the same thing. They've ranted about their day, problems with their kids, etc. I'd rather have the friend to tell me their stuff than no one to talk to.

Having cancer after the birth of my second child 2 years ago taught me one really important lesson: life is ALL about the people we get to share it with.

Don't feel bad, I had to end a "friendship" for the same reason not long ago. No one should ever just be a sounding board for anyone, it's very selfish on her part, NOT YOURS!! I was friends w/this someone from high school and a couple of years ago, befriended her again out of lonliness since i am a stay at home mom...At first I enjoyed her but after a while all she did was call me at least three to four times a day to complain about everything under the sun...She had no regard for me or my time and thought being a mom was just a joke I guess..You, are unfortunately stuck so I would just avoid most of her calls in the future, even tell her you joined a club or anything to make yourself less available....

Try to find one thing she says that is not a complaint, and really really acknowledge her. I have found what I respond to- I'll get more of.

And have you told her, gently, you cannot listne to this? Try that.

Does she have a peer to talk to ? Bet she is lonely, a tough time for her too, and we'll all get to her age, and have a turn at how we handle it.

Best, k

We all get to the point where the only thing we have to talk about is what we want to complain about. That is the only changes in our life. We had an Aunt that always wanted us to stay in touch. We knew that all she would talke about was this dr. appt. or that ailment. However, if we didn't call, she'd tell someone else that we must be mad at her or not thinking of her at all.

I could have posted this post. I like my MIL too but she always complains about being sick or dying and I too grew tired of it. For the last 6 months I've been ignoring her when she brings up her ailments. I found that she feeds off attention and I won't give it to her like she wants. Also she is going through bankruptcy again and trying to make my husband and I feel bad for her. So again I'm supportive but I don't give in. I let her talk then change the subject. Everyone has problems and life goes on one way or another. I can't be the glue that holds things together anymore. I have a life too. I vent to my husband and dog. I never talk to my kids about it as it would be taken the wrong way. And my husbands family is very sensative anyways so I have to walk on egg shells already and it stinks after 12+ years. Hold your head high and keep living your life and take her like a grain of salt, that's what I'd do.

Do you have caller ID? Assuming you do, here is what I suggest:

Pick up when she calls IF you are "up for it."
If you aren't up for a conversation with her, then don't answer.

There is nothing dishonest about this - and you shouldn't feel bad. The phone is a TOOL and we are not at the beck and call of our tools - they are an aid to us (to talk to our loved ones more often, in this case).

I have a lovely friend whom I adore - who has been my friend for over 20 years. He can't have a phone conversation that is less than a hour long. Heck, he leaves 5 minute answering machine messages. Sometimes I just can't do it. I still LOVE this friend and I love talking with and listening to him MOST of the time. But there are days when I just can't do it emotionally - and some days I am worn out physically. What would be the benefit of picking up and then not being there for him?

My mom ALWAYS answers when I call and then often tells me she can't talk right then. I wish she'd just let it go to voice mail. I don't see it as a courtesy for her to talk to me to tell me she can't talk to me. It's a stress for her and always gets me a little off kilter. It doesn't make me angry, by any means, but I don't get why she does it. She doesn't need to be at MY beck & call OR that of a ringing phone.

You and your MIL love each other. I am sure she'd rather have your ear on fewer calls than have you wishing you were off the phone! If there are mental health concerns, talk to your husband and try, with him, to attend to those. Otherwise, remember that you are not REQUIRED to answer the phone - no matter who is calling.