This could turn more into a vent, so I apologize ahead of time. It's about my mother and her opinion on "todays" parents. She called and asked if my son and I wanted to go to the beach. I asked my son he said no, becasue he doesn't like the beach my mom goes to as it is too rocky, even with his swim shoes. She won't go to the other beaches. So I told her sorry my son doen't want to go. She said this is what's wrong with you parents, you give your kids options you shouldn't ask you should tell. When it comes to chores and house rules I agree with that assesment but not if it is recreational. Why would I bring my son who will sulk to the beach. An outing is supposed to be fun. My son and she seems to forget when he is set against not doing something bringing him anyway is a waste of time and money. She said that I shouldn't give him a choice pack him up and he'll have to deal with it. Now my mom wast that kind of mom and was dragged places I didn't want to go and she didn't care and if I rebelled she'd just hit me. She is also of the opinion that car seats are optional and when I was chrisiting my son told me not to put him in his car seat it would mess up his outfit!!! Of course I didn't listen to her, but her weekly comments are pretty much we didn't do that or this with you and you managed to live. What do you guys think? When it comes to doing something recreationally should you just pack the kid up knowing he'll be miserable hence you will be or give him the choice.
Hi Ladies. I should have told you my son is 7.5 years old. We go to the beach at least 3 times a week and my mom knows he doesn't like the beach she goes to. She likes it because the parking lot is closer to the beach, she isn't a fan of walking but totally able and it has LESS KIDS. That's right my mom doesn't like kids. She says she only likes hers and grandkid but that's debatable(lol). My son is an only and makes friends fast so he also likes it with more kids, more to play with. I have tried to compromise and tell her I'll bring one of my son's friends this way the friend can distract him from the rocky part and he has a playmate. My mom doesn't want to be responsible for other kids, even though it would be me who is responsible. So no friend can come when we are with her. I also invite her when we go to the beaches we like but, she declines. That's it in a nut shell, thanks for the comments.
My son is 7, so I would pretty much give him a choice--unless it's a family function/work picnic etc that was planned ahead.
It is NO fun taking him anywhere he doesn't want to be! I agree.
I do not make my daughter do anything recreational that she doesn't want to do... unless she is sitting around too much, then I "ground her" to outside...lmao...
Also, There are so many things I have dragged her to because it was a family thing, or it was "important"... so when it doesn;t matter, I let her decide.
If you were invited or wanted to go to the beach that is different. He has to go because you are going. But, if an invite is made to him, he should have an option to say no. It is different to say, hey, we are going to the beach, instead of do you want to go to the beach.
Ha Ha, this reminds me of my mom, aren't they wonderful. I just love it when they question our parenting, yet I remember being her child and would definately have questioned some of her desicions with us. My favorite answer to these kinds of statements (when no kids are around) is...
You got a chance to f**k up your kids, now it's my turn. I say it in a joking way but it shuts them up everytime :)
Sometimes it's okay to let your child have an opinion about what he wants to do in his spare time. If it were the case where everyone in the family wants to go to this particular beach and he's the only one who doesn't want to go and letting him stay home alone is not an option, then certainly he should probably go and just suck it up. But, if he has a viable choice of whether to stay home or go to the beach and he wants to stay home, then certainly give him that choice. When I was a kid, I didn't like rocky beaches either. They're no fun for body surfing.
This is the entire reason why I will refuse to be like my mom. If my son doesn't want to go to the park then he doesn't have to go. If he chooses walking over rollerskating well then we're walking. If he chooses to have mayonnaise instead of ranch dressing then he can have it. When I was growing up if I was offered milk and wanted water instead - a slap in the face... literally.... Now if we're going to Grandpa's and he says he doesn't want to go, well he has no other choice he has to go. He gets over it but he chooses what to do recreationally most of the time. And why not? He's a kid. Us as parents have to get over it sometimes. Yeah we might hate playing baseball but still have to do it. And the comments from moms.... don't get me started because I promise you, I'll be here for the next hundred years writing every sour comment my mom made to me about me being a parent and how to parent my kids. Sometimes I tell her, listen lady... you might of wanted to raise your kids that way but this is the way I'm raising my mind. Stay out of my business or please leave. It gets that bad.... anyhow, you're not overreacting. Your mom is taking it too far....
> She said this is what's wrong with you parents, you give your kids options you shouldn't ask you should tell.
Sounds like she is trying to guilt you into giving her her way.
I think you're doing the right thing. You have unhappy memories of your childhood which is something that you're NOT giving to your son.
You can either say, 'I appreciate your advice however I've given it a lot of thought and choose to do such-and-such'. You also could see if they can compromise like going to a different beach which your son would enjoy too, if she's open to that. Using this as a problem solving exercise would be a great teaching opportunity.
While I totally agree with you, I think that the issue isn't really whether or not you should just pack up your kid to bring him someplace he doesn't want to go. The issue is that your mother is questioning/undermining/insulting your role as a parent, and it's really hurtful.
If she had said, "oh, it's really too bad. I have so much fun with (your son) at the beach and I love watching him splash in the waves and I miss you" you might have been more inclined to talk your son into having a good time there. But she made it so that you didn't want to be there with her either!
I don't know if you have this kind of relationship, but I would try to find a way of telling her that while you might have different opinions about parenting, it's hurting the relationship between the two of you the way that she expresses them. And I wouldn't hesitate to add that if she's not careful, she stands to lose both you and your son out of your instinct for self-preservation. Avoid making a threat, of course, but there's a way it can be said so she simply knows it's the truth.
Good luck. Unsupportive parents are the worst.
I think you did the right thing.
I would totally ask my son his opinion. I think there obviously are things that could come up that you wouldn't ASK your kids opinion on, But when it comes to taking them somewhere that is supposed to be FUN they should have a choice.
I agree with you 100 %, Kids ARE NOT property they are people and to a degree have the right to their opinions. If he does not like it then he does not like it and would not enjoy it. She did call and ask if You and Your son would want o go right , THEN WHY ASK.
Stick to your guns, this is your child therefor it is your parenting styles and choices that matter not hers.
UPDATE: I think it is all about her. Well she needs a reality check, and she needs to learn to compramise. You have tried, so again if she cannot comprimise with your and your son's wishes then she is disrespecting you both and she will be the one who suffers for it in the long run.
Good Job Mom!!! Your son will appriciate you for your caring nature!!!
I agree with everything you are saying, kids should have options if it is recreational ("do you want to go to the park with the ducks or with the big slides?"), but if you think going to the beach would be a good idea find a beach on YOUR OWN first. Make sure its a place your son likes, then invite your mom along (Cause god forbid she's not invited when it was her idea in the first place! - *wink*). That way YOU have control of the situation. And never let you mom drive your son, either. Sounds dangerous!
I agree with you for the most part but sometimes we all have to do things we don't want to do. Why not say, sure mom we'll go to the beach but lets to "alternative beach". You didn't say how old your son is and I think that makes a difference too.
As for other things, when your mom says "we didn't do that" tell her you know but you do. As for the carseat being optional, tell her that although they may have been optional when you were a child they are not optional now and it is not safe to not use a carseat. If she still bulks just tell her you are doing what is best for YOUR child!
you give your son choices, give your mom choices too
he doesn't want to go, so your compromise with him to go is to take a friend...fair enough. if gma doesn't want that, she don't take him...end of story.
my mom tells me i'm too strict with my daughter...but you know what..grandparents had their chances with their kids (us), now it's our turn, if they don't like what you're doing,I say like they say "tough, deal with it"
I both agree and disagree with your opinion.
We took our first real vacation earlier this summer. We went to Hilton Head, a 15 hour drive, and our house had a pool in addition to being a block from the beach. Our kids wanted to be at the pool as this was their first real beach experience. It wasn't an option. We live in Indiana. We're land locked. We were going to the beach. Even if it was just a few hours, we were going to the beach and could swim in the pool later. The people we went with took the opposite approach and did what their kids wanted to do.
Generally speaking, though, we don't tend to give our kids too many options if there's something we want/need to do. They're little 2 and 4, and we have no family within hundreds of miles, so they go where we go.
However, last week, when my husband was out of town, I did offer them the option of the pool in the neighborhood or a splash pad. They chose the splash pad. Sometimes, they just want to stay inside and watch TV - we usually don't let them have that option either. We like to wear them out in the summer as best as possible. They get many more liberties in the Winter when we have sub zero temperatures and less ability to go somewhere.
I wouldn't worry too much about what your mom says....I've noticed the previous generation always thinks the current generation is getting off too easy. I'm sure her mother thought her parenting skills were lax also. When our kids are parents, we'll probably think they are too lax on our grandkids......
I totally agree with you, if its something recreational thats suppose to be fun for him, why force it if he doesnt want to go. It could end up making everyone miserable. I think if its something you know he would totally enjoy when he is there but he is just being moody its one thing, but you said he really dislikes that beach and doesnt have any fun so why push it.
YOu are a good mom and doing what is right for YOUR children. She raised hers. I think doing something that makes the kids miserable will be just that....miserable. Why ruin everyone's day.
Stick to your guns, you're the M..
if i wanted to go, i'd make him and hopefully he could see some fun in being their, collecting rocks instead of building a sand castle, like that.
But if i didn't really care to go, i think it's fine to stayhome.
Ihope your mom has other redeaming qualitites, she sounds a bit selfish.
You didnt say how old your kid is, or how often you've been to that beach, or how open your mom is to considering another beach...
That said, when my parents were here, they wanted to take me and my 7yo son to a state park abt 2 hrs away from home. I wanted to go and spend the time with them (they are from out of state) and my son was having such a big fit about not wanting to go. We hauled him along anyway. My dad actually had to pick him up and carry him to the car! When we got there, he sulked for a bit, we have some great pouty pictures of him, but then I saw a very shallow river along a wide rocky streambed, and say hey, let's come here (the plan was to go hiking along the trail, but I felt my son would more easily forget his pout if he got to splash a bit rather than walking) My mom had to go and physically pull the socks and shoes off him, as he was still being a royal pain at that point. But then we did all end up having a lot of fun! I cherish those pictures from last spring!
I think though, you are okay saying no, he doesn't want to go to this beach, but suggest something or somewhere else, and encourage him to learn to compromise (mom has to too though) and spend time with someone doing something you don't necessarily like, just for the sake of spending time with someone important to you.
I too would feel irked, it's not such a dumb thing!
Could you have a talk with your mom and remind her that the equation involves 2 people, and just because she is the parent/g-parent, it doesn't negate the child's wishes and preferences as a person? That yes, your son needs to yield and do what he is asked, but SHE needs to TOO? Especially for recreational activities (as long as it's balanced between family outings/family time and just staying home playing games.)
ugh!, i am a supporter of kids rights, it sounds funny but some people just dont treat children like they have a right to their own opinion. Your son hates that beach, of course he shouldnt have to go for fun!, lol. Your mom seems like it might have hurt her feelings, kindly suggest to her that he wants to do other things with her just not that.
I guess I would tell my mom that *I* didn't enjoy visiting that beach, because it's rocky, has no kids for my son to play with, and I would prefer to go someplace we'd both enjoy. I wouldn't make my son the heavy. Suggest an alternative. If she balks (and it sounds like she will), then just suggest she find some other friend to go with her today.
Your mom isn't likely to change, so I hope you will find direct, peaceful, and sensible ways to establish what you want and need. You have the right to do that, and to model those healthy patterns for your son. I had to learn to do this with a very forceful and controlling mom. Actually, I was so sure she always had the first and last say, I was kind of surprised that the world went on turning the first time I managed to stick to my own wishes.
Go for it. It's wonderful! And watch out for repeating your mom's behaviors with your own son. Stop and assess every once in awhile. Those habits install themselves in your emotional software SO sneakily!
I don't make my daughter do anything "rec" wise unless she wants to. If she doesn't want to go to a ballgame with the G-parents, she doesn't have to. If she says it's too hot to go out to play, I don't make her. Like you said, when it comes to what she is supposed to do, that's another story. She's a great kid and she's 9, so I let her make choices.
As far as the car seat thing... Yeah, it's kind of against the law to not use one, so you're right on that one, lol.
hello , i know you are in a difficult position. you are trying to keep everything calm and everybody happy. i know you love you're mom very much. she sounds lonley, mabey ask her what her interest are and take her to workshops ect to find friends (when time permits). you're kids are getting the brunt of it and it sounds like knowbody is having fun. just remember you are trying you're best at keeping the peace. try to have one weekend where you're mom picks out and activity then the next is you're turn. it is very important to keep you're mom in you're life and good luck...
I agree, if its recreational he should have a choice on if he wants to go or not. My moms saying is " You will just have to get over it". If I ever use that phrase I will know I have turned into my mom!
I agree with the situation that was presented. I do not feel like they always need to have an option. An example of that might be a family vacation. If one person keeps opting out then its not really a family vacation, and you can't really enjoy each other that way. Or for instance if you have to run errands all day long, and can't leave your child anywhere, of course they have to go even if they don't want to. But just for little activities (close to home, not a family or big event), sure they should have an option. I have a lot of beaches around me, and even I don't like the rocky ones. They aren't as much fun. Im a smart a-- so I would probably take that approach with my mom. LOL. Like if she were to go into a rant about today's parents I would just say something like "hey! so what kind of pet dinosaur did you have when you were young?" hehehe. But if thats not you just take a more sensible approach and tell her, for things like this please respect your parenting. Good Luck!
In your M.'s days it may have been ok, but not today, lol. If you don't feel the need to have him go, why risk him being miserable?
I agree with both of you. I don't think kids should always get there way but I also think they should in some cases. Typically an only child gets there way a lot because there isn't a sibling to have a differing interest & also because it's easier for parents to let the child decide, this can lead to spoiled kids that throw tantrums easily or sulk when they don't get there way. So the solution is to find a balance. I obviously don't know you or your son or your mother so I am not saying your son is spoiled. Maybe you can tell your mom, we'll go with you this time but next time it's the other beach that we like. Everyone should compromise.
